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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Apparently I've been unwelcoming

225 replies

bahumbug2020 · 28/12/2020 23:13

Have name changed for this. We're on the final night of a 3 night stay for Christmas for the stepkids (aged 14 & 20). The eldest shouldn't have even come to stay according to covid rules for our tier as he's an adult. We've had our issues in the past due to the eldest not pulling his weight in the house and expecting to be looked after 24/7 but I think we're over it. Or I thought we were.

I've been accused tonight of 'being in a mood' the whole time they've been here. I really haven't been. I've cooked for them, made conversion, sat down for meals with them. You get the picture.

But what I have done which I think has pissed him off is gone to the gym most mornings (it's my only escape from the house and is quite frankly keeping me sane). Encouraged him to take them out for a walk this afternoon as they'd been glued to their rooms every day. While they were out me and my daughter watched a girly film. And then tonight they wanted to watch what I'd call a 'boy film' so I went in the other room.

These things apparently make me unwelcoming and he says he's been on edge the whole time they've been here. I'm not sure what he expects from me - it's his contact time, should I be expected to spend every bloody minute with them?

He's had too much wine and has made some silly threats which I know he won't follow through on. Am fed up quite frankly.

OP posts:
TodgerStrunk · 29/12/2020 09:31

If he thinks that was unwelcoming perhaps he should try the version where you don't cook or do anything for or spend any time with his children?

Wolfiefan · 29/12/2020 09:32

You don’t sound very welcoming TBH. Sounds like you resent them and tolerate them in your house.

Flowerpot345 · 29/12/2020 09:33

I also don't think you have done anything wrong op.

MyGodImSoYoung · 29/12/2020 09:33

You've done nothing wrong, OP. My step children came boxing day and myself, DP and DSD all watched Jumanji (not my film of choice!). DSS stayed in his room. We didn't mind that he wanted to stay out of it, why should it be different for an adult?

Similarly, on Sunday I got back from an awful walk with my dog, to find DP and both SC doing karate and boxing. I couldn't stand the chaos so shut myself in my room for 20 minutes or so to play my guitar to calm myself back down before entering the mayhem. DP didn't mind, neither did the SC. In fact, DSD came and gave me a cuddle because I was clearly stressed.

If your OH was happy for his DC to be attached to their devises all day, not participating in any 'family time', then you need to be allowed to take time out too.

ShinyGreenElephant · 29/12/2020 09:35

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. We do stuff all together when the step kids are here but them and mine are all kids and play together. We also do things separately - I go out every day to care for my grandad, usually taking one or both of my kids, I also took my older daughter shopping while DH took his oldest to the cinema. DSD likes very different movies to DD and I so her and her dad will often have a movie night just the 2 of them. The step kids are here to spend time with their dad and couldn't care less if I'm there or not the vast majority of the time

Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 09:35

Just to add, he slept on the sofa last night but apparently got zero sleep which is obviously ALL MY FAULT so today is gonna be fun.

OP posts:
shivermetimbers77 · 29/12/2020 09:50

Of course it’s up to you what you do or watch when in your own home. However, speaking from the experience of a step-child, it’s very obvious when your stepparent is slightly tense and merely tolerating your presence.. not a pleasant feeling at all. So perhaps the truth lies somewhere in the middle here.

MeridianB · 29/12/2020 09:52

@bahumbug2020

Just to add, he slept on the sofa last night but apparently got zero sleep which is obviously ALL MY FAULT so today is gonna be fun.
Oh Lord, has he always behaved so immaturely?
LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 10:11

You see your child constantly, so was it really such a hardship to have watched one "boys film" and to have all gone for the walk?

Huh? Why does she need to do this? They aren't her children - they go there to see Dad, not her.

madcatladyforever · 29/12/2020 10:14

They are his kids not yours, he should be doing the bulk of it. Sounds like he wants to offload his responsibilities onto you like most men.

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 10:15

I don't get this perception that everyone has to be forced to do the same thing.

OP, they don't. Not even in a nuclear family does this happen all the time because (shock horror) people have different interests! I barely ever do "the same thing" as my DP and his 2 kids when he has his contact. Because it's the same weekend my daughter stays here too (she goes to her dad's the same weekend his kids are with their mum). So it's the only chance on a weekend I get to have quality time with her doing things she enjoys. And sometimes I might even (horror!) go to the hairdressers or see family or friends on that weekend while he cracks on having fun with his kids. DP gets it, he doesn't need me there to be a dad; and the lids couldn't give two hoots if I'm around or not. So it works for us. This concept of everything being so "blended and together" every single time they're over is utter nonsense.

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 10:17

@ShinyGreenElephant

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. We do stuff all together when the step kids are here but them and mine are all kids and play together. We also do things separately - I go out every day to care for my grandad, usually taking one or both of my kids, I also took my older daughter shopping while DH took his oldest to the cinema. DSD likes very different movies to DD and I so her and her dad will often have a movie night just the 2 of them. The step kids are here to spend time with their dad and couldn't care less if I'm there or not the vast majority of the time

Glad it's not just me. Was starting to think I was in the minority! Grin

AuntieDolly · 29/12/2020 10:21

Perhaps he’s pissed off that his woman didn’t step up and take over the parenting of his kids like she’s supposed to? You crack on op!

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 10:23

@Wolfiefan

You don’t sound very welcoming TBH. Sounds like you resent them and tolerate them in your house.

Hmm based on what, exactly? She cooks for them, sits with them for meals, and makes conversation with them. Or did you conveniently skip over that bit because it doesn't fit your own narrative?

If continuing with your own life and interests by going to the gym every day and watching a film by yourself in another room makes you "resentful" and "unwelcoming" then fuck me, I must be both those things to my own child, never mind my partner's kids!

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2020 10:30

Op, is there a sub text here? Do you resent them? There is something about your phrasing which makes me think this isn’t about the gym or the movie but about what he describes as your “mood” , effectively your attitude to them and potentially a plain desire for them not to be there.

Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 10:35

My 'mood' has been pretty shit for months given the pandemic to be honest. Like many others, I suspect. It's been the same as it always is. I think he magically expected me to turn into Mrs Happiness for 3 days.

There is a back story around his eldest who pretty much blanked me for years but I thought we were over it.

OP posts:
FAQs · 29/12/2020 10:35

They don’t need parenting, only one is a child.

What’s wrong with them chilling in their rooms? Although helping out with housework is certainly not unreasonable.

partyatthepalace · 29/12/2020 10:38

The threats to leave don’t put him in a very good light, that’s for sure.

Can you sit down and break down the issues with him? It’s clearly fair enough you go to the gym to stay healthy and for time out, that you push the kids out for a walk, and that you struggle with the 20 year old not pulling his weight - people can still be v adolescent at that age.

It sounds like he perhaps wants to play happy families a bit. Would the kids like this? Could you have some blended family time eg dinner and film in the evening and do your own thing the rest of the time - and could he lay down some rules for his son to help out??

Sounds like it’s worth talking through, but he must stop making drunken threats.

NYNY211 · 29/12/2020 10:39

Personally at 20 I wouldn’t want to go and stay at dads GF house anyway. Staying for afternoon would suit me fine!

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 10:48

@bahumbug2020

My 'mood' has been pretty shit for months given the pandemic to be honest. Like many others, I suspect. It's been the same as it always is. I think he magically expected me to turn into Mrs Happiness for 3 days.

There is a back story around his eldest who pretty much blanked me for years but I thought we were over it.

Understandable. My mood has also been shit for months for the same reason.

Mollyboom · 29/12/2020 10:56

I think you have done nothing wrong. They are not small children. It's normal to only really eat meals together when you have teenagers that age, maybe the odd film if it's something you all like but I wouldn't feel bad that you have carried on with your normal routine when his children one of whom is an adult have come over. Ignore

MadameMonk · 29/12/2020 10:57

Personally I’d call his bluff, in the most blameless way possible.

Call a family meeting, look deeply concerned, and say that DP has suggested you have been unwelcoming, then cite some examples. In the spirit of ‘airing grievances’ and ‘moving on happily’. Be precise, ask everyone separately if they were offended or saddened by you not watching ‘girly movie’ with them, and doing your own thing during ‘boy movie’. Ask if they found the meals and bedrooms and mood generally welcoming or unwelcoming. End by saying you’ve enjoyed the communal time, are looking forward to more and are always open to hearing their views on the communal time and sharing of jobs, now that everyone is a young adult. Your door is open, during and between visits, yada yada. Once they’ve all muttered and nodded, smile, then waft off to find a board game for everyone.

Say nothing to DP. Until the new year at the very least. Not one word until he comes to you with a sodding apology, and a commitment to think/act/speak like someone 14 or older. Idiot.

justanotherneighinparadise · 29/12/2020 10:59

Yeah he’s just pissed off you haven't been the female lubricant to facilitate the kind of Christmas he envisaged with his kids. Carry on and ignore.

MichelleScarn · 29/12/2020 11:01

@LouJ85

You see your child constantly, so was it really such a hardship to have watched one "boys film" and to have all gone for the walk?

Huh? Why does she need to do this? They aren't her children - they go there to see Dad, not her.

Absolutely! Does he sit and watch 'girl's films' with your daughter? (Am doubtful!)
WildfirePonie · 29/12/2020 11:09

He sounds miserable. I bet he expects you to run around after them the entire time. Why don't you pack his stuff for him and show him the door?

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