Page 8 | Apparently I've been unwelcoming

bahumbug2020 · 2020-12-28T23:13:22+00:00

Have name changed for this. We're on the final night of a 3 night stay for Christmas for the stepkids (aged 14 & 20). The eldest shouldn't have even come to stay according to covid rules for our tier as he's an adult. We've had our issues in the past due to the eldest not pulling his weight in the house and expecting to be looked after 24/7 but I think we're over it. Or I thought we were. I've been accused tonight of 'being in a mood' the whole time they've been here. I really haven't been. I've cooked for them, made conversion, sat down for meals with them. You get the picture. But what I have done which I think has pissed him off is gone to the gym most mornings (it's my only escape from the house and is quite frankly keeping me sane). Encouraged him to take them out for a walk this afternoon as they'd been glued to their rooms every day. While they were out me and my daughter watched a girly film. And then tonight they wanted to watch what I'd call a 'boy film' so I went in the other room. These things apparently make me unwelcoming and he says he's been on edge the whole time they've been here. I'm not sure what he expects from me - it's his contact time, should I be expected to spend every bloody minute with them? He's had too much wine and has made some silly threats which I know he won't follow through on. Am fed up quite frankly.

Hawkins001 · 29/12/2020 20:22

I'm not sure how successful this will work but what about a detailed list of tasks and who's in charge of what for various purposes, such as the roommate agreement, Sheldon has with Leonard in big bang theory ?

saraclara · 29/12/2020 20:29

[quote Stantons]@saraclara the OP is entitled to have low mood in her own home, especially this year and especially at Christmas[/quote]
So if a woman posted about her DH ruining Christmas with his bad mood, MN would say "no problem, he's entitled to be in a bad mood in his own home"?

Veterinari · 29/12/2020 20:30

@saraclara

In practical terms you've done nothing wrong. So this comes down to your attitude while doing it. Were you grumpy? Did your tone of voice, facial expression, body language etc make them feel they were in the way?

You've said yourself that your mood wasn't good, and it was Christmas for goodness' sake. So it's not outside the realms of possibility that it wasn't what you did, it's how you did it, that made them feel unwelcome.

Ah yes it MUST be the OP's attitude that's wrong! Not the fact that the father of these young adults/children expects her to be cook, cleaner and entertainer and can't be fucked to even load a washing machine, but blames her for his own failings as an adult, partner and father.

WilsonMilson · 29/12/2020 20:31

If he threatens to leave, tell him to bloody leave and go and pack him a bag. He is acting like a complete arse and you have my total sympathy as I too have step kids, slightly older, and it’s difficult and often a no win situation for stepmums.

laudemio · 29/12/2020 20:33

I think its nice for them to have time just with their dad. Maybe he should ask the kids what they think.

Skittlebug · 29/12/2020 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

laudemio · 29/12/2020 20:35

Finger in the face wagging??? God Lord dump his ass! I would not put up with that.

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 20:39

@Skittlebug

It's not like you have to get the washboard and mangle out and wash the linen yourself, you put in a machine and press the button. You asked them to strip the beds and they did, if you wanted them to wash the bedding you should have told them. Tell DH to do it, he's just asked you what you want him to do. Honestly, op, I'm looking in my crystal ball and reading between the lines and i bet you've had the skin of your a* on your face all over Xmas and your dh has had enough of your moaning and mardiness. It's more work for you if his sons come for three days over Xmas except he ran around after them and you said earlier you both clean the house and he has just asked you what you want him to do? And also you managed the gym and a spa day so it's not like you've been slogging your guts out day in day out. But that's not good enough is it? You don't want them to come at all? Are you jealous of DH's sons? You sound very manipulative, if I was DH I wouldn't just threaten to leave, I would leave.

Have we been reading the same thread??!
This reply is so utterly off the mark it's hard to know where to start ...

Stantons · 29/12/2020 20:40

@skittlebug

^^ignore

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 20:40

So if a woman posted about her DH ruining Christmas with his bad mood, MN would say "no problem, he's entitled to be in a bad mood in his own home"?

Stantons' comment was that she is entitled to have low mood. Not "bad" mood. There's a difference.

Stantons · 29/12/2020 20:42

@louj85 just ignore her, there is no where to even begin this is one of those posts talked about in the is this section supportive thread

Original poster

bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 20:42

@Skittlebug

It's not like you have to get the washboard and mangle out and wash the linen yourself, you put in a machine and press the button. You asked them to strip the beds and they did, if you wanted them to wash the bedding you should have told them. Tell DH to do it, he's just asked you what you want him to do. Honestly, op, I'm looking in my crystal ball and reading between the lines and i bet you've had the skin of your a* on your face all over Xmas and your dh has had enough of your moaning and mardiness. It's more work for you if his sons come for three days over Xmas except he ran around after them and you said earlier you both clean the house and he has just asked you what you want him to do? And also you managed the gym and a spa day so it's not like you've been slogging your guts out day in day out. But that's not good enough is it? You don't want them to come at all? Are you jealous of DH's sons? You sound very manipulative, if I was DH I wouldn't just threaten to leave, I would leave.

I'm actually sat in front of the TV laughing with my daughter. He's the one who's stormed off into the other room with a mardy-assed face on him.

OP posts:

justthecat · 29/12/2020 20:45

what do you think his kids would think if they could see how he treated you after their visit ?
I think they’d be disgusted

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 20:45

[quote Stantons]@louj85 just ignore her, there is no where to even begin this is one of those posts talked about in the is this section supportive thread[/quote]

Quite. She's already had one post deleted for referring to the OP as a "twat". Obviously wasn't happy it got deleted and has come back with more of the same drivel ....

Original poster

bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 20:48

Oh I missed the twat name calling. Why exactly was I a twat? Am intrigued.

OP posts:

Skittlebug · 29/12/2020 20:52

Sorry didn't know this was just for support, thought it was an aibu. You do you op, tell that finger wagging mf to get stuffed and looked after his own sprogs and you enjoy the rest of your Xmas xoxo

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 20:52

@bahumbug2020

Oh I missed the twat name calling. Why exactly was I a twat? Am intrigued.

It was mostly nonsensical drivel, I wouldn't worry. She had no reason - just her "gut instinct" said you must have been acting like a twat, or words to that effect. Pay no notice!

Stantons · 29/12/2020 20:55

@skittlebug no, this is not the AIBU section

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/12/2020 20:58

OP, we’re heading into a fresh new year. Imagine thinking ahead to Christmas 2021 knowing it’ll be you and your daughter, no one else to cater for or clean up after, no finger wagging, stropping, sulking or ingratitude. If you bin him off your stress levels might drop through the floor. Get him out of your home and return it to a place of peace, fun and calm.

Dollyparton3 · 29/12/2020 21:00

@bahumbug2020

I just pointed out the fact that they effed off without a word of goodbye and that's apparently just me getting at them. I also tried to gently point out that them being here ends up being more work for me. His response is 'what needs doing - tell me.' Honestly I feel like I need to fucking spell everything out. The sheets were stripped and just put in the wash basket. On top of all the other washing which has been accumulating. Did he think to put it in the machine and actually, you know, wash the fucking stuff? Did he fuck.

Sorry but I'm seriously losing my shit now. All of this results in HIM being angry with ME. How the fuck does that work? I have just had the full on furious finger in the face wagging followed by him storming out of the room again. Have had enough.

This is the bit that nobody gets. As a stepmum there's always a little bit of unappreciated effort that ultimately just comes down to having pride in ones home. When I met my DH he had a lovely home but it wasn't clean. Was never stocked with life's little luxuries and washing piled up in every corner of the house.

There were chaotic trips 2 or 3 times over the weekend to pick up toilet rolls, toothpaste, rolls for breakfast or a pint of milk. I like to shop online with a list and plan ahead, that means that when his children come we have everything we need in advance, their bedclothes are clean, their rooms and bathrooms are clean and everyone (including him) can relax.

Gender neutrally but also massively biased, I take pride in running a good home and having everything nicely organised. I do the same in my full time very busy job.

I've also taken huge pride in making sure that the stepchildren have everything they need here. Not red carpet stuff but female touches that help make it more homely.

Recently my SD told my husband that I have no right to an opinion on parental issues. So after 7 years of going the extra mile I need to butt out.

I get you OP. My SD will now not have any extra effort from me. I won't do all the little things that haven't been appreciated, I will close the door on the pigsty of a bedroom that I spent time and money decorating, I will no longer clean the bedsheets that she turns orange when she stays here and she used the last of the Sanpro and make up remover that I bought for her on her last visit. I've cancelled the Spotify account that I paid for her to use and I've revoked the Netflix access that she used to use at her mothers house that I pay for.

From now on husband you cater for them. You shop in advance, wash their bedclothes etc. In fact the fact that a list might be needed is an insult. Shut the door on the circus and see how they get on adulting by themselves

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/12/2020 21:05

@Skittlebug

Sorry didn't know this was just for support, thought it was an aibu. You do you op, tell that finger wagging mf to get stuffed and looked after his own sprogs and you enjoy the rest of your Xmas xoxo

Good lesson on not making assumptions.

Original poster

bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 21:08

YES @Dollyparton3 - you totally get it! He ran his house in a similarly chaotic way. Dinner was often after 9 as he hadn't thought about what they would eat. He sees me being organised as wanting to 'control' things. No, I just don't want to have to go to Tesco every time I make dinner. And I don't want to have two days of the house looking like a Chinese sodding laundry because I let it all back up.

OP posts:

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/12/2020 21:35

@bahumbug2020

YES *@Dollyparton3* - you totally get it! He ran his house in a similarly chaotic way. Dinner was often after 9 as he hadn't thought about what they would eat. He sees me being organised as wanting to 'control' things. No, I just don't want to have to go to Tesco every time I make dinner. And I don't want to have two days of the house looking like a Chinese sodding laundry because I let it all back up.

Well he could move out then and be out from under you "controlling and unwelcoming " thumb.

Why hasn't he ? Because in reality it benefits him not to bother with all the minutiae of life, leave it all to you and still make you the bad guy for it.

He can do fuck all while playing Disney dad to his kids and the victim to everyone else including them.

The guy's not dumb. An arsehole yes, but definitely not dumb.

Dollyparton3 · 29/12/2020 21:42

@bahumbug2020

YES *@Dollyparton3* - you totally get it! He ran his house in a similarly chaotic way. Dinner was often after 9 as he hadn't thought about what they would eat. He sees me being organised as wanting to 'control' things. No, I just don't want to have to go to Tesco every time I make dinner. And I don't want to have two days of the house looking like a Chinese sodding laundry because I let it all back up.

Yea! And dinner shouldn't be pizza every Friday night and on the go food all weekend. The irony is that for the first few years it was very much appreciated and I thought that the effort I put in made weekends a better more chilled and family style home for everyone.

We have a 20 year old who has pushed and pushed me away until this year when I totally detached and stopped making an effort. Fortunately though I have a supportive husband who called her out on it and told her to stop behaving like the rules of family contribution don't apply to her here and it's not a holiday home, it's a family home where everyone mucks in.

I did have to keep pushing him on the topic to get to this point though so persistence is the key here. I dont think your husband is a total bellend, just "blokey" if that makes sense. Like the other poster mentioned about their partner talking about headspace and being in the home in lockdown. Everything is magnified right now and I get the low feeling, this year has been horrific for me work wise and also the stress of keeping relatives etc safe.

I do say down tools for a bit next time they're here and let them go back to the old days. It takes balls of steel but it's a very strong lesson. And don't feel as though you have to take any shit from them. You've done nothing wrong at all.

AnneElliott · 29/12/2020 22:00

I think your DH is being a prat. Why doesn't the want to see his own kids by himself?

From what my friends kids have said the most annoying trait in a step parent is to constantly be there and not allow the parent any time alone with their actual kids.

Is it that he likes having a maid to do the donkey work? My H was similar (with our own DS) when he was small. He'd never like to take him out alone when he was little as I was helpful to hold the coats, carry (and make) the lunch/snacks and generally do the mundane crap stuff while he did the fun bits.

You should carry on op with your own life. None of us spend the whole time with our own kids- why are step kids any different?