Apparently I've been unwelcoming

[bahumbug2020]

Have name changed for this. We're on the final night of a 3 night stay for Christmas for the stepkids (aged 14 & 20). The eldest shouldn't have even come to stay according to covid rules for our tier as he's an adult. We've had our issues in the past due to the eldest not pulling his weight in the house and expecting to be looked after 24/7 but I think we're over it. Or I thought we were.

I've been accused tonight of 'being in a mood' the whole time they've been here. I really haven't been. I've cooked for them, made conversion, sat down for meals with them. You get the picture.

But what I have done which I think has pissed him off is gone to the gym most mornings (it's my only escape from the house and is quite frankly keeping me sane). Encouraged him to take them out for a walk this afternoon as they'd been glued to their rooms every day. While they were out me and my daughter watched a girly film. And then tonight they wanted to watch what I'd call a 'boy film' so I went in the other room.

These things apparently make me unwelcoming and he says he's been on edge the whole time they've been here. I'm not sure what he expects from me - it's his contact time, should I be expected to spend every bloody minute with them?

He's had too much wine and has made some silly threats which I know he won't follow through on. Am fed up quite frankly.

From what my friends kids have said the most annoying trait in a step parent is to constantly be there and not allow the parent any time alone with their actual kids.

Ooh good, I'm the least annoying stepmum in the world then.

From your posts perhaps you'd be better out of this relationship, as it doesn't sound like a loving one that you enjoy being in.

It sounds like your DP and his DC irritate you, you don't really want them there and you want your space back. You weren't keen on him moving in...seems like he wore you down on it which you now regret.

Nothing wrong with feeling that way...just communicate it. It's your house and you have no worries of homelessness.

Someone can cook a meal and still give off the signals that they don't want you around...so that in itself isn't a sign of being welcoming. It doesn't have to be what you say, as your body language and non verbal communication speak volumes.

@Skittlebug

Sorry didn't know this was just for support, thought it was an aibu. You do you op, tell that finger wagging mf to get stuffed and looked after his own sprogs and you enjoy the rest of your Xmas xoxo

Aaaaahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Definitely not AIBU! Possibly double check the full facts before you spit out a cutesy 'im so clever' response

I never get this whole 'would it have killed you to have gone on the walk, watched the film etc etc'...

Perhaps the SC liked having time with their Dad?? I know I would have in that situation. It's so rarely about the kids though on these threads. It's about the perceived rejection of Dads kids when in reality, said kids likely couldn't give a toss and some would actively enjoy spending alone time with Dad.

And it literally is part of being a family. Me and DH don't sit and watch every single film or TV show with our joint child together. We don't do everything together. It is entirely normal in a family for someone to be off doing something else in the house whilst the others watch a 'boys film' or whatever. It's also normal for me to take kids on a walk if DH doesn't fancy it or vice versa. We don't do everything together.

What is not a normal family is this forced 24/7 glued to each others sides business.

I actually think just getting on with your normal life is more welcoming and treating them as part of the family.

When DH and DC watch a film I'm not interested in, that's my go and enjoy a lovely long bath time

It's so rarely about the kids though on these threads. It's about the perceived rejection of Dads kids when in reality, said kids likely couldn't give a toss and some would actively enjoy spending alone time with Dad.

Spot on.

@TalkinBoutMyyyyyDog

I actually think just getting on with your normal life is more welcoming and treating them as part of the family.

When DH and DC watch a film I'm not interested in, that's my go and enjoy a lovely long bath time

Agreed! You don't need to "put on a show", just going about daily life and allowing them to slot in should make them feel more at home and part of a family. Unfortunately, my DH prefers a musical number where SD has the starring role but hey ho!

@Dollyparton3 you do right cancelling their subscriptions, buying them little touches to make their life easier. They will soon realise how much input you provide!

Thanks @SuperPixie247. It's funny how many times they've forgotten what I bring to the party. SS tells me he loves it here, I cook the meals that he loves that are different to what he has at home, I'll buy in a couple of bottles of the pop that he loves and the Wi-fi is faster here

SD has benefitted from two incomes now instead of just her dads when he was struggling to pay maintenance and keep a roof over his head. I've paid for holidays, cars, helped with taxi duty, organised birthday weekends, taken them out for hot chocolate and on shopping trips when I wasn't that fussed about going out myself when their dad was working at the weekend.

But my DP was firmly told that I'm a second class citizen a few weeks ago in terms of my right to an opinion. So from now on that's fine. I'll step back and look after myself next year, it's been hard enough for all of us keeping the wheels on this year!

@Dollyparton3

But my DP was firmly told that I'm a second class citizen a few weeks ago in terms of my right to an opinion

I'm not sure I'd bother staying in a relationship with someone who spoke to me like this.

[quote SandyY2K]**@Dollyparton3

But my DP was firmly told that I'm a second class citizen a few weeks ago in terms of my right to an opinion

I'm not sure I'd bother staying in a relationship with someone who spoke to me like this.[/quote]
Don't worry it was SD who said that, not DH, he pushed back hard on SD when it was said. It has bought a few years of passive aggressive behaviour into the open now so it's a bit of a relief that it's out there

As shitty as it sounds @Dollyparton3 at least you know where you stand. There should be no more arguments or aggro your way, you can let them crack on. Have some from me because it must have been a really shit moment.

Let’s be honest OP you probably were . I’m not judging! It’s so much easier when they’re not around isn’t it? And Christmas especially. There is nothing worse than an ungrateful SC and a stuck up her own arse ExW, I remember when I used to care about what they/people thought of my Step parenting, it was soooo stressful. At Christmas I used to get a lot of gin as presents from my family if they knew I had my SD for the holidays, very telling.

LOL @Witchymclovely - I can only do my best! But much wine has been consumed.

@Witchymclovely thats exactly how I used to feel! Hated the idea of people thinking I was an evil stepmother so used to stress about things like DSD refusing to have her hair brushed so my kids looked immaculate and her hair was always messy, or the same with clothes when she would only wear a scruffy tracksuit and sob if I tried to put something nicer on her and I felt everyone would think I just didn't care what she looked like. So stressful! Now I don't give a crap and its so liberating.

Now I don't give a crap and its so liberating.

⬆️ This with bells on.

Jesus, I don't spend 24/7 with my own kids. As a family we sometimes go in separate rooms to watch different things. We exercise separately. DH regularly takes DC (our DC not SC) out without me. OP I don't see what his issue is, unless he's expecting you to entertain them so he can have some downtime?

I’m not alone it seems

I think my husband is hyper sensitive to my mood when they're here and reads things into it when really I just want a bit of peace. He knows I find it easier when they're not here - who wouldn't. It's more work having them here, not all of which he picks up as he doesn't have the same standards as me.

Anyhoo, onwards.

You stood and let him wag his finger in your face? Get in before the post Xmas rush to hire a divorce solicitor and get the ball rolling. This should be moved to relationships, it’s not a step parenting thing, it’s a picked-a-shit-man topic. There’s no reason to have him in your life for a minute longer.

Jesus, I don't spend 24/7 with my own kids.

God can you imagine?! I wonder if those people who come on these boards making less than helpful comments about all being one big happy family stick to their own kids' sides like glue 24/7? My teen daughter would tell me to get lost

@Dollyparton3

Don't worry it was SD who said that, not DH, he pushed back hard on SD when it was said.

That's good.
That kind of rudeness is not acceptable and it's right that he addressed it there and then.

Your husband's reaction was obviously childish and exagerrated. But when it's like that, it might be an accumulation of issues and often people don't fight about the real issue. The pandemic is probably hard on him as well...I guess if you were in therapy, they would encourage you to have a talk where you both listen to each other to understand what your needs are and what would be the compromise.

I am one of those who wishes we had a "happy family" and I do feel profoundly dissapointed that my DP didn't really get very involved with my son who was abandonned by his father. I know that he didn't have to and that my son is very shy, but it's something that makes me feel bad sometimes even if I understand that everybody has the right to do whatever they want as long as children are not hurt. And my son doesn't even seem unhappy!

So nobody is wrong here, people just have different views and by discussing them in a mature way, things might get easier. Sometimes, relationships need a reset and I know it's very hard now.

OP, I think the crux of the issue here is his guilt and entitlement. He clearly goes out of his way to make sure that they don't have to lift a finger while they stay, because he feels guilty that this is the only time they have together. His way of overcoming the guilt is to make sure that the time they do spend together is (in his mind at least) perfect family time.

So when you don't dance to his tune by playing the role he has in mind for you, he gets shitty and takes his guilt out on you.

I actually think this is somewhat emotionally abusive. It speaks to his fundamentally entitled attitude. This is evidenced by his "punishment" of you via sulking when you don't go along with the happy family picture he has created in his head. He feels entitled to put his emotional needs first and to take his feelings of guilt out on you, and it's all designed to manipulate you into falling into line (similar with his comments about you trying to "control him" - in actual fact, he is trying to control you....!)

@violetbunny that is a thought provoking comment.
I can sympathise with OP’s position of being treated like she’s in the wrong when she has some legitimate grievances and/or is not perceived to be involved enough (from DP’s POV) with DSCs.
I can relate to the anger/sulks - it’s like DP sees any issues with our living situation (both have our own DCs - sometimes they overlap) as either me personally criticising him (when in reality it might just be a moan about the situation in general which is not really anyone’s fault or what someone else is/isn’t doing) or as some personality failing of mine, not wanting or being able to do things the ‘right’ way. It’s been making me feel crap about myself. But violetbunny’s comment about guilt/entitlement has made me think about it in a different way.
OP - you sound completely reasonable to me and have my sympathies for having to deal with the finger wagging, anger, sulks and ingratitude. Hope things have settled a bit now the festive pressures have gone - hard time for blended families, particularly when we’re all so caged in our homes anyway...

That is a good post @violetbunny. Guilt and entitlement are a dreadful combination.

I can relate to it to some degree as well. I think many stepmothers can.

What regularly perplexed me in my household is that DH neither feels nor behaves towards my DSes in the way he seems to imagine I should towards the DSC. I really don’t expect him to think if them as ‘our children’. Nor do I treat their presence in this house like a royal visit. So I really struggle to understand how it’s possible to expect me to do something radically different to him.

I guess male socialisation has a lot to answer for.