Page 3 | Apparently I've been unwelcoming

bahumbug2020 · 2020-12-28T23:13:22+00:00

Have name changed for this. We're on the final night of a 3 night stay for Christmas for the stepkids (aged 14 & 20). The eldest shouldn't have even come to stay according to covid rules for our tier as he's an adult. We've had our issues in the past due to the eldest not pulling his weight in the house and expecting to be looked after 24/7 but I think we're over it. Or I thought we were. I've been accused tonight of 'being in a mood' the whole time they've been here. I really haven't been. I've cooked for them, made conversion, sat down for meals with them. You get the picture. But what I have done which I think has pissed him off is gone to the gym most mornings (it's my only escape from the house and is quite frankly keeping me sane). Encouraged him to take them out for a walk this afternoon as they'd been glued to their rooms every day. While they were out me and my daughter watched a girly film. And then tonight they wanted to watch what I'd call a 'boy film' so I went in the other room. These things apparently make me unwelcoming and he says he's been on edge the whole time they've been here. I'm not sure what he expects from me - it's his contact time, should I be expected to spend every bloody minute with them? He's had too much wine and has made some silly threats which I know he won't follow through on. Am fed up quite frankly.

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 11:10

Absolutely! Does he sit and watch 'girl's films' with your daughter? (Am doubtful!)

I know, ridiculous isn't it. God if I three a strop every time my partner left me and my daughter to it to watch something or do something girly, I'd be stropping quite often!! I actually enjoy that 1-1 time with her, as much as the times we spend as a family together. Why can't men do the same? My DP manages it quite successfully- he cracks on just enjoys time with his kids, irrespective of my plans or desire to involved or not. He certainly doesn't see it as a personal dig at him or his kids - ultimately, they aren't mine or "ours" are they? He's not stupid, he gets that. Don't see why other men can't get it too...

PurpleMustang · 29/12/2020 11:12

So what he means is you didn't go into automatic stepmum mode and wait on them hand and foot and stick like glue to them. What you did was be pleasant, chatty, cooked but let him actually parent (spend time with his kids), and heaven forbid you went out to the gym. Yeah you have an extra toddler there

tara66 · 29/12/2020 11:22

I would be absolutely furious with your DH if I were you. He needs a good dressing down. Also why not send a questionnaire form to DSSs asking them to rate your ''performance'' for Xmas visit and for recommendations how you can improve?! Perhaps they will rate you higher than DH? Does your DH take any responsibility as to why he and boy's mother are not still together? Was it his behaviour she could not stand?

2020isalmosthindsight · 29/12/2020 11:34

Your DH is wrong, OP, and you were right to call his bluff on his threats to leave. Don't cater to him today because he slept on the couch leaving him grumpy and tired; that's on him entirely.

Doesn't sound like a great relationship, tbh.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 29/12/2020 11:42

I misunderstand your original post - I thought it was the 20 year old DSS who had complained. Can't believe it was you DP!

Anyway, he is being ridiculous. Families don't do everything together all the time. Nothing wrong with not wanting to watch a 'boy' film - especially as you'd have had to sit on the floor to do it!

If he's threatening to leave you because if it, I'd be sorely tempted to let him go!

I think you were more than accommodating by letting a 20 year old break the covid rules. The 'going between homes' rule for children doesn't cover a 20 year old adult.

Dontbeme · 29/12/2020 12:12

Why does he not want to spend time alone with his own children? That is a serious question that he needs to think about OP.

stealthninjamum · 29/12/2020 12:21

I can see both sides. Your dh hasn’t behaved well but you admit you’ve had a bad couple of months, and yesterday you went to the gym, watched a movie with your dd, didn’t go in a walk or watch the boys movie, so I can see why he felt snubbed.

Bollss · 29/12/2020 12:27

@maddy68

I think he's seeming you spend time with your own daughter but actively avoiding the step children he has a point

What's his point?

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 12:29

@stealthninjamum

I can see both sides. Your dh hasn’t behaved well but you admit you’ve had a bad couple of months, and yesterday you went to the gym, watched a movie with your dd, didn’t go in a walk or watch the boys movie, so I can see why he felt snubbed.

And yet she also cooked for them, sat down to meals with them, and made conversation with them... which is conveniently missing from your summary. Just because she chose to do some of her own activities too, she's "snubbed" them. Hmmm.

Bollss · 29/12/2020 12:30

@stealthninjamum

I can see both sides. Your dh hasn’t behaved well but you admit you’ve had a bad couple of months, and yesterday you went to the gym, watched a movie with your dd, didn’t go in a walk or watch the boys movie, so I can see why he felt snubbed.

Woman goes to gym on her own - she's being unwelcoming? I wonder if dp never has alone time?? Doubt it.

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 12:31

@TodgerStrunk

If he thinks that was unwelcoming perhaps he should try the version where you don't cook or do anything for or spend any time with his children?

Quite!

Diverseduvet · 29/12/2020 12:34

Do you all, your daughter included ever spend time all together doing stuff?

Original poster

bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 12:35

He has apologised grudgingly whilst still making it clear that he thinks I'm in the wrong. I've also told him not to threaten to leave again as I will make sure he follows through.

Am at gym having had a lovely long swim and spa. Shame I can't leave him to it for longer but I have nowhere else to go.

OP posts:

Original poster

bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 12:36

@Diverseduvet

Do you all, your daughter included ever spend time all together doing stuff?

We eat meals together. We chat in the kitchen. My daughter has absolutely nothing in common with her step brothers but she makes an effort. I don't see the point in forcing us all to be a happy family.

OP posts:

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 12:37

Am at gym having had a lovely long swim and spa.

Sounds amazing- hope you enjoyed it

knittingaddict · 29/12/2020 12:41

I have no experience of step parenting, but it appears from this thread that some people hold step parents to a higher standard than couples who are still together.

We are a marred couple with two grown up children. Sometimes we do stuff together because it suits us all and sometimes we do stuff apart because it suits us better.

No way should you feel bad op for what you do and any man who does make you feel like this is an arse.

TaighNamGastaOrt · 29/12/2020 12:43

I'm a sm too. Over the years I've spent more time with SD than her own mother ( her choice).
Twice my DH pulled this shit about how I was splitting the family if I chose to do something independent or with our son.
First time we had a chat about it. Didn't make much difference. Second time I packed his bags and told him to fuck off.
That solved the problem nicely. He now appreciates the time I spend with SD and doing family stuff.

katie9998 · 29/12/2020 12:44

@maddy68

I think he's seeming you spend time with your own daughter but actively avoiding the step children he has a point

Surely the SC are there to 'see' their father? And why does the OP (a grown ass adult) have to have someone else decide how she spends her time just because the blessed SC are in HER home

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 12:45

I have no experience of step parenting, but it appears from this thread that some people hold step parents to a higher standard than couples who are still together.

Absolutely - it's a common theme on here. Just have a look at some of the other posts on the stepparenting board for confirmation! You can have a life balance when you're a mum and do your own thing etc ... that's fine. When you're a stepmum... whole different story.

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 12:50

Second time I packed his bags and told him to fuck off.
That solved the problem nicely. He now appreciates the time I spend with SD and doing family stuff.

Good for you. I made it quite clear to my DP early on that I had no desire to "play happy families" every time they're over, and I'll continue to live my own life too and do things with just me and my daughter when we choose to, regardless of his contact time arrangements. I have no interest whatsoever in forcing children of different ages and interests together for the sake of it. I'm lucky in that, although he said it made him feel "sad" not to be one big happy family unit every time, he gets it and he understands that ultimately the kids need and want a relationship with him, not me or my daughter. Thankfully it rarely comes up as a discussion now. He will still invite me and/or my daughter to join things which we either politely accept or decline, depending on whether we fancy it or not. Then we get our alone time too as adults. It works. I'm forever thankful that I don't have these unrealistic expectations of harmonious blending imposed upon me that some stepmothers do!

katie9998 · 29/12/2020 13:06

@stealthninjamum

I can see both sides. Your dh hasn’t behaved well but you admit you’ve had a bad couple of months, and yesterday you went to the gym, watched a movie with your dd, didn’t go in a walk or watch the boys movie, so I can see why he felt snubbed.

Jesus Christ,

No the OP shouldn't make any choices that suit her needs at all

Said No sane grown woman

Ever

Original poster

bahumbug2020 · 29/12/2020 13:19

@LouJ85

*Second time I packed his bags and told him to fuck off. That solved the problem nicely. He now appreciates the time I spend with SD and doing family stuff.*

Good for you. I made it quite clear to my DP early on that I had no desire to "play happy families" every time they're over, and I'll continue to live my own life too and do things with just me and my daughter when we choose to, regardless of his contact time arrangements. I have no interest whatsoever in forcing children of different ages and interests together for the sake of it. I'm lucky in that, although he said it made him feel "sad" not to be one big happy family unit every time, he gets it and he understands that ultimately the kids need and want a relationship with him, not me or my daughter. Thankfully it rarely comes up as a discussion now. He will still invite me and/or my daughter to join things which we either politely accept or decline, depending on whether we fancy it or not. Then we get our alone time too as adults. It works. I'm forever thankful that I don't have these unrealistic expectations of harmonious blending imposed upon me that some stepmothers do!

I wish I could get my husband to think like this. I made it clear from the start that I had no desire to play mum to his kids. He was the one who wanted to move in and I was reluctant. I wish I'd stuck to my guns now. Seems like he's hell-bent on creating this perfect blended family but that's not the reality of the situation.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 29/12/2020 13:39

Creating a blended family or having you do 'wife work'? What does he do with your dd or does it only go one way? Keep at it with the gym-ing!

stealthninjamum · 29/12/2020 13:39

People aren’t reading my post. I can read that she cooked meals and sat with them - surely she’d cook herself meals anyway? Of course she is entitled to time on her own, did I say she wasn’t? But are people not reading where op admits she’s had a bad few months? Again I don’t blame her for that, many of us have. But if you read my thread I said I can see both sides and I said her husbands behaviour was also sulky and childish. I can see a couple who are both not behaving the best. Perhaps months of underlying niggles are causing these blowups and they both need to work together now before they become serious issues.

AliceMcK · 29/12/2020 13:46

I don’t even sit in the same room as my young DCs or DH if they are watching a movie I don’t want to watch. The last time I did I got kicked out of the room because I fell asleep and started snoring 😂

I think DH is being a bit precious. Your step kids aren’t little, they don’t need you there fussing over them. They are there to spend time with their dad.