Apparently I've been unwelcoming

[bahumbug2020]

Have name changed for this. We're on the final night of a 3 night stay for Christmas for the stepkids (aged 14 & 20). The eldest shouldn't have even come to stay according to covid rules for our tier as he's an adult. We've had our issues in the past due to the eldest not pulling his weight in the house and expecting to be looked after 24/7 but I think we're over it. Or I thought we were.

I've been accused tonight of 'being in a mood' the whole time they've been here. I really haven't been. I've cooked for them, made conversion, sat down for meals with them. You get the picture.

But what I have done which I think has pissed him off is gone to the gym most mornings (it's my only escape from the house and is quite frankly keeping me sane). Encouraged him to take them out for a walk this afternoon as they'd been glued to their rooms every day. While they were out me and my daughter watched a girly film. And then tonight they wanted to watch what I'd call a 'boy film' so I went in the other room.

These things apparently make me unwelcoming and he says he's been on edge the whole time they've been here. I'm not sure what he expects from me - it's his contact time, should I be expected to spend every bloody minute with them?

He's had too much wine and has made some silly threats which I know he won't follow through on. Am fed up quite frankly.

I wish I could get my husband to think like this. I made it clear from the start that I had no desire to play mum to his kids. He was the one who wanted to move in and I was reluctant. I wish I'd stuck to my guns now. Seems like he's hell-bent on creating this perfect blended family but that's not the reality of the situation.

You just have to keep repeating it. It took a bit of repetition on my part in the early days for DP to finally get it, but we're 5 years down the line now so it rarely comes up anymore. A lot of dads aren't capable of or willing to look after their own children by themselves it seems - I suppose I struck lucky in that I have a man who both can and is willing to. But if I'd not laid out my boundaries from the start and kept repeating them, it might not have been that way because I know deep down he would probably prefer us all to function as one big happy family every time they're over, but we don't, and he's seen that in fact that's ok. His kids aren't bothered where I am or what I'm doing with my time - their only concern is what are we doing with Dad this weekend. I'm essentially surplus to requirements as far as they're concerned- Dad cooks for them, cleans up after them, takes them places, enjoys his time with them, etc ... I do nothing for them. Because I don't need to. A lot of women fall into the trap of doing for their stepkids and it becomes a difficult pattern to break if all parties become used to it being the norm. I never allowed it to happen in the first place I guess.

Also - it helps that my DP first and foremost wants a girlfriend/ partner - not a stand in mother to his kids EOW. That's why he got together with me in the first place. His kids have a mum, they don't need another one when they're staying with their Dad. So he sees me as "his partner" and not in any way as "step mum". That helps I guess. But it all depends what your partner sees and wants in you... ?

You sound quite nit-picky & self-centred tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️
(and the stuff about Covid levels & rules seems to just be a red herring that you've obvs tried to use as leverage for the eldest not to come at all...)

It's Xmas ffs - the boys are visiting their dad at a shit time when you can't just go out & do whatever you please, at the end of a shit year
Would it have killed you to give up just a couple of days of your 'personal time' to make a wee bit of an effort?

Who gives a crap if you don't really fancy the film that the boys & their dad are watching? It's one film, on one night - presumably nobody was trying to force you to commit to making a habit out of it on a regular basis?!

Who gives a crap if you don't really fancy the film that the boys & their dad are watching?

Well, clearly the OP "gives a crap" hence why she didn't want to watch it. 🙄

@LouJ85 I find myself really envious of your lifestyle. Each time I broach that subject of keeping our families seperate and only do things together that we will ALL enjoy, I get truly slapped down. It creates unbelievable tension between the 2 of us which is rarely there otherwise

When did it start, this insistence on watching films together? I used to watch girly film with my mum; no way would my dad have stayed in the room, and vice versa for war films - he watched them in peace on his own. I can understand maybe watching something with a very small child; no adult actually likes Peppa Pig! But with a 20-year-old! Are you supposed to hold his hand in the scary bits?

Well, clearly the OP "gives a crap" hence why she didn't want to watch it. 🙄

Oh well
If she's adamant that she's totes happy with her performance & attitude to his kids, then good for her I suppose 🤷🏻‍♀️

But it's still just as valid for other people to disagree, and think that it was a very precious, self-centred carry-on

But it's still just as valid for other people to disagree, and think that it was a very precious, self-centred carry-on

Choosing to do your own thing is precious and self-centred, is it? Do you have kids and /or a partner? Do you never ever do anything different to them? No interests or hobbies of your own that you enjoy?

Gosh. That makes me quite sad for you.

[quote SuperPixie247]@LouJ85 I find myself really envious of your lifestyle. Each time I broach that subject of keeping our families seperate and only do things together that we will ALL enjoy, I get truly slapped down. It creates unbelievable tension between the 2 of us which is rarely there otherwise [/quote]

It's really unfair that you get slapped down. If your partner had never met you he'd be flying solo as a Dad, wouldn't he. Your his partner first and foremost, not a substitute mother for his kids. It makes me roll my eyes that so many Dads see it this way and just can't tolerate doing separate things, ever. I feel for you.

He has apologised grudgingly whilst still making it clear that he thinks I'm in the wrong.

So he's not sorry then.

People usually want to make the perfect blended family just before they put their foot on the break, take a back seat and expect you to drive.

I suspect he hoped you could all do things together as a family of 5. Apart from eating have you all done an activity, watched a movie?

Ps we had the same university issue and have allowed ours to see both parents. We think it's completely wrong that the government expected young adults to have to choose between their parents and them spending time should have been written into the rules as it was for under 18'd

The latest reason I'm in the bad books is because I've insisted the kids clean and tidy their rooms, and the eldest strips the bed (our spare room) before they leave. Apparently 'they've not been here long and shouldn't be expected to help.' Honestly I've watched them not lift a finger for 3 days, not even to clear their own plates or get their own drinks from the fridge, while he runs round after them.

My cleaner has the week off so it would've been down to the two of us to clean the house. At least by them doing their own rooms it has split the workload a bit. But I've been left to feel like the bad guy.

Choosing to do your own thing is precious and self-centred, is it?

It was 3 nights, not an unending commitment 🙄

Do you have kids and /or a partner?

Kids, yes.
Partner, no.
But then again, that's probs why I have the opinion that I do regarding OP's performance 🤷🏻‍♀️
He cut his kids off completely when his latest girlfriend came on the scene (it's all about her girls you see - his boys don't get a look in (an inconvenience)
So yeah - maybe that's what has coloured my view on this...

Do you never ever do anything different to them? No interests or hobbies of your own that you enjoy?

Well, yes!
But I live with them 24/7 so it's not just special occasions or overnight stays that I spend time with my kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

Gosh. That makes me quite sad for you.

Passive/aggressive snark - par for the course on MN 🙄

Don't feel sad for me pumpkin - I don't feel sorry for myself at all
I have a nice wee life with my kids
I don't need a stranger's validation

I don't think you've done wrong either.

When DSS is here I still go out running and to do the things I want to. We all walk the dogs together and eat together.

Sometimes I sit upstairs and watch tv as there's only so many cartoons I can take in a day.

Similarly DSS sometimes goes off and plays PS5 in another room or his switch.

We don't all have to be glued together all day.

@BrandySours It's ridiculous to begrudge someone for not perching on a stool or sitting on the floor to watch a film they aren't interested in. If they wanted to watch a "family" film they would have surely waited for her to be in the room to pick one together, which they didn't.

Regardless of whether OP was in a bad mood generally, there is absolutely nothing precious or self centred about not joining in with the film watching in these circumstances.

Do you never ever do anything different to them? No interests or hobbies of your own that you enjoy?

Well, yes!

Then you'll understand why the OP is entitled to exactly the same, won't you. Added to which - they aren't even her kids to begin with!

But then again, that's probs why I have the opinion that I do regarding OP's performance 🤷🏻‍♀️*
He cut his kids off completely when his latest girlfriend came on the scene (it's all about her girls you see - his boys don't get a look in (an inconvenience)
So yeah - maybe that's what has coloured my view on this...*

I'd say it probably has coloured your view, yes.

Passive/aggressive snark - par for the course on MN

Not at all - I genuinely feel for people who are of the view that having their own life and interests is "self centred".

But I live with them 24/7 so it's not just special occasions or overnight stays that I spend time with my kids

Also - you're missing the key point. They are not OP's kids. So she has no need or obligation to be there to spend any time whatsoever with them, if she so chooses. That's their father's job. It's on him and not her if he's incapable of doing this without her presence and input.

Apparently 'they've not been here long and shouldn't be expected to help.' Honestly I've watched them not lift a finger for 3 days, not even to clear their own plates or get their own drinks from the fridge, while he runs round after them.

Dear god, it gets better ...

At 14 and 20 years old, his sons aren't doing a thing to help around the house?! How is he expecting them to become self-sufficient adults able to support themselves if he continues to run around after them?

I don't see that OP has done anything wrong at all. I would like to hear her DP/DH on the subject of the film that was chosen and all the seats on the sofa taken ...

It would have been very different had he asked her whether she would like to join them , made space for her to sit comfortably and included her in the choice of film.

So many families rely on the mother taking a back seat on that sort of thing while keeping the household going and churning out meals.....

@LouJ85

Apparently 'they've not been here long and shouldn't be expected to help.' Honestly I've watched them not lift a finger for 3 days, not even to clear their own plates or get their own drinks from the fridge, while he runs round after them.

Dear god, it gets better ...

At 14 and 20 years old, his sons aren't doing a thing to help around the house?! How is he expecting them to become self-sufficient adults able to support themselves if he continues to run around after them?

This is the thing - when asked, they're completely happy to help. But he doesn't like asking them because 'they're not here much.' So it ends up being me who forces the issue.

OP, you don't like his kids. You've said as much before. How are you going to resolve this? The 14yo won't be stopping visits anytime soon and the atmosphere in the house is clearly not a nice one for anyone.

It's good for children (maybe especially teenage boys) to see that women who are mothers also have their own time and own interests and don't exist just to make everyone else feel good. Sounds like your dh didn't get to see that.

Not at all - I genuinely feel for people who are of the view that having their own life and interests is "self centred".

Can't be arsed to respond to the rest of your post directed at me, but on this last point: not once did I say or imply that people 'who [have] their own life & interests are self-centred'
Rather, I said making a big deal about just 3 days/nights is self-centred
Don't build an argument around something you've made up, it's tedious

Regardless, I'm not really interested in this anymore now
Better things to do with my time
(Ironically I'm being coerced into watching a film I'm not really interested in, by my 18 yr old 😂. But I'm going along with it because the older he gets, the more precious are the snatches of time that I get with him 🤷🏻‍♀️)