Roles in reverse?

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Tiredoftattler · 02/12/2020 21:04

Something prompted your in-laws to ask that question. Certainly, they know that you have given birth to only 1 child.
I would assume that they were hoping that your response would have been something along the lines of " together we have four.," They were likely seeking affirmation that "all " of their grandchildren were treated well and considered equally in their son's home.

Grandparents can be sensitive when it comes to their grandchildren. I would guess that you may not or no longer be their favorite daughter in-law.

My guess is that you knew exactly what they were asking you. As long as you are comfortable with the potential fall-out from your response, you have nothing for which you need to apologize.

If this is a family in which you hope to have long term standing a less antagonistic response might bode well for the long term.

LemonSqueezy0 · 02/12/2020 21:15

I think the idea that stepmothers don't have to love step children "like their own" needs to be normalised. They should teat them well, and anything else is a bonus. You don't have to love them exactly as much as you love your birth child.
I definitely think the Inlaws were asking for a reason, as they obviously know the family makeup. Id have a think about that, as there is probably more pressing reason they have said that

beavisandbutthead · 02/12/2020 21:20

you dont have 4 DC so your inlaws are being assholes...

Your DH does have 4DC

2GinOrNot2Gin · 02/12/2020 21:49

I have a great relationship with my stepchildren but I don't love them like I love my own. Doesn't mean I don't respect them and treat them well.

When you say it in reverse it does sound ridiculous. People will even go as far to say you aren't their mum so don't try to be. So I can't try and be their mum but I must love them as my own. How does that work?!

Stepparents cannot win. I have a stepdad and a sister from him and my mum. My step dad has always treated me well and I've never felt like he favours my sister. However my mum and stepdads will is set in a way that my sister will benefit more than me. It's certainly triggers lots of comments from people who think it's disgusting we're treated differently but I actually think it's fair. He isn't my dad, I have a dad.

Sophagain · 02/12/2020 22:00

Your logic is flawed. You chose to enter their lives - they didn’t choose you at all. Of course you’ll never live them like you do your own child, but there’s no need to be an arsehole about it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2020 22:02

Why on earth would they ask you that? How bizarre.

Cloverforever · 02/12/2020 22:05

Who has said you have to love them like your own? I've never read that, anywhere.

Tiredoftattler · 02/12/2020 22:07

Where does this notion of yard stick or measured love come from? Why would anyone ask do you love X the same as Y? Are the grandparents wanting them to be loved in the same measure ; or are they simply trying to affirm that there is positive regard and equal treatment of them by the DIL?

I love both of my parents. I have never wondered if I love them the same. I care deeply for my step children. I would do whatever I could for them and go to any length to protect them from harm. I think that might qualify as a" loving relationship."

What kind of healthy person spends time trying to quantify love as though there is some kind of scale on which it can or should be weighed?

Either you are loved or you are not loved. Who really needs to know more than that? Anything more just indicates some measure of insecurity.
It is not unlike the lover who wants to know if the ex was a better lover or better endowed. Somethings indicate a kind of juvenile insecurity that is hardly worth entertaining.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2020 22:12

Eye rolling at the faux naivety.

It’s as common to tell a step parent to love their partner’s kids as their own as it is to ask if they were the OW, how much their partner pays in child support or who’s in their will.

Nymeriastark1 · 02/12/2020 22:18

@Sophagain she isn't being an asshole about it. She's being TOLD by people she has 4 children when she doesn't. If kids have that much of an issue with a stepparent being in their lives then they take that up with the bio parent. He didn't have to re marry . Op there's nothing wrong with not loving your step children like they're your own, as long as you don't make it painfully obvious.

Aerial2020 · 02/12/2020 22:42

It seems one sided because they're children and parents are the adults.
Children don't have the same way of regulating emotions like adults are meant to have learnt.
Of course you have 1 child but expecting children to have the maturity to understand what you have written is never going to help you.
You have life experience to help you , they don't.
The other adults in your life should know that and shouldn't say stuff things like that. But then not all adults think before they speak.

Tiredoftattler · 02/12/2020 22:45

@AnneLovesGilbert
People may suggest all kinds of things and ask all kinds of inappropriate questions, but that does not mean that healthy, sensible people entertain those kids of thoughts.

Recently, I heard someone ask a relative stranger, for whom did they vote. The lady answered. " " it was long enough ago that I have forgotten."

Do you really spend your time trying to quantity the love that you have for the people in your life. I would not entertain questions about wills except with those people who have a need to know.

The people in your circle sound particularly rude.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2020 22:51

The people in my circle are thankfully all normal, healthy, well-adjusted and there are all sorts of family set ups including blended ones. I’m not talking about them. It’s the same old claptrap you see here often as you well know given how many threads about step parenting you frequent

aSofaNearYou · 02/12/2020 23:40

A few months ago, my inlaws asked me how many kids I have. I said 1. They shook their heads sadly and said no you have 4.

This sounds really patronising to me, like they were testing a child. Very forceful and unpleasant.

You are right of course OP and you are perfectly entitled to consider yourself a mother of one. I would consider what prompted them to say it (whether it is perceived mistreatment) but other than that, they are being rude and are categorically wrong in what they are saying.

Songbird232018 · 03/12/2020 02:08

I am also a mum to 1 and step mum to 3... my in laws family can sometimes be very thoughtless in the way they word things etc, I get on great with my SC and financially contribute etc to their upbringing but certain conversions surrounding wills / savings etc have made it awkward as I gave a healthy account for my child (save the CH and a bit each month) but the SC do not as their dad simply can't afford it with maintenance/ costs of raising 3 teens plus our child etc
It's been says that the money should be saved for them firstly as they will need it first for cars /houses etc. My answer if it's not my responsibility to save for those things didn't go down well... by all means I'll help if I can when the fine comes but my child's future is my priority to save for

JauntyMcGinty · 03/12/2020 07:17

@Sophagain

Your logic is flawed. You chose to enter their lives - they didn’t choose you at all. Of course you’ll never live them like you do your own child, but there’s no need to be an arsehole about it.

This. This is why it is one-sided with young, or new SC. Of course you're not expected to love them like you love your own, though some do. I hope you can open your heart to your SC a bit, you've been inflicted on them, not the other way round.

PettyAndHormonal · 03/12/2020 07:26

@AnneLovesGilbert

Eye rolling at the faux naivety.

It’s as common to tell a step parent to love their partner’s kids as their own as it is to ask if they were the OW, how much their partner pays in child support or who’s in their will.

Or people who've never been a step parent telling you they wouldn't enter a relationship with someone with kids if they weren't 'willing to love them like their own'... 🙄 As if it's a choice and you can just flick a switch and decide to love someone like your own child.

curtainsfort · 03/12/2020 07:35

As a step mother, I always hear the phrase 'you have to love them like they are your own' but why do I never hear my step kids being told that they 'have to love me as if I was their bio mom'?

Really

They are children. Dont expect adult emotions and reactions from them. Of course they love their mother more. There is a huge natural connection there. It's so strong in fact that children who are treated poorly by their mother still want to be with them.

As an adult you should understand the difference between standing up as a step parent and how those children feel about their mother.

Bollss · 03/12/2020 07:40

As an adult you should understand the difference between standing up as a step parent and how those children feel about their mother

And as an adult you should realise the difference in loving your own child and loving someone else's. For most people, it is not the same and imo it's bizarre that anyone would expect it to be the same.

ReasonablyUnreasonable · 03/12/2020 07:53

'You've been inflicted upon them'. Spoken like a true, bitter ex wife.

I bet if we SMs said we wanted entirely separate lives from our SC, that would be unacceptable because we aren't including them in our new family. So I'm either inflicting myself upon them, or I'm excluding them.

curtainsfort · 03/12/2020 07:55

And as an adult you should realise the difference in loving your own child and loving someone else's. For most people, it is not the same and imo it's bizarre that anyone would expect it to be the same.

I do.

Wellthisismorethanabitgrim · 03/12/2020 07:56

What a bizarre question to ask you. If anyone asks me if I have children I say no...because I don't. Depending on who I'm talking to / what the conversation is about I may then say 'DH has one'. It's just a statement about how my family is set up biologically and practically: I'm not a mother, I haven't given birth/adopted, I don't have the responsibility or role that a mother has. Doesn't mean anything one way or the other about how I feel about my DSC, it's just the facts.

Bollss · 03/12/2020 07:57

@curtainsfort

And as an adult you should realise the difference in loving your own child and loving someone else's. For most people, it is not the same and imo it's bizarre that anyone would expect it to be the same.

I do.

Well then surely you can understand the comparison. Op understands why you wouldn't expect a child to love a step mum like a mum. She's making a point that you shouldn't expect it the other way around. The point is you wouldn't ask that because it's ridiculous so why ask this?

IndecentFeminist · 03/12/2020 08:00

Presumably because being loved and treated well is fundamental to a child's security and upbringing, but an adult is different

curtainsfort · 03/12/2020 08:00

Well then surely you can understand the comparison.

Yes. And you can't compare the adult emotions and maturity with that of children. Irrespective of subject.