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Original poster

Roles in reverse?

164 replies

amotherslove7 · 02/12/2020 20:42

As a step mother, I always hear the phrase 'you have to love them like they are your own' but why do I never hear my step kids being told that they 'have to love me as if I was their bio mom'?

Why so one sided?

Complete BS if you ask me!

A few months ago, my inlaws asked me how many kids I have.

I said 1.

They shook their heads sadly and said no you have 4.

BS!!!

I gave birth to one! Just one!

Ask my step kids how many mothers they have! Ask them!

I guarantee they will NOT say 2!!!!

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Bollss · 03/12/2020 08:01

@curtainsfort

Well then surely you can understand the comparison.

Yes. And you can't compare the adult emotions and maturity with that of children. Irrespective of subject.

You can because it's the same relationship. Op was pointing out how ridiculous it is but it's clearly lost on you.
Bollss · 03/12/2020 08:02

@IndecentFeminist

Presumably because being loved and treated well is fundamental to a child's security and upbringing, but an adult is different
Treated well and loved are two very different things. I treat dss very well, arguably better than his mother's treats him. I don't love him in the same was I love Ds though, because I just don't have the same bond.
PettyAndHormonal · 03/12/2020 08:03

Of course they love their mother more. There is a huge natural connection there. It's so strong in fact that children who are treated poorly by their mother still want to be with them

Of course they love their child more. There is a huge natural connection there. It's so strong in fact that parents who are treated poorly by their children still love them unconditionally.

I'm not suggesting for a second that step children should love or be expected to love anyone like their parents. Just that the same also goes for people with their own children.

curtainsfort · 03/12/2020 08:03

You can because it's the same relationship. Op was pointing out how ridiculous it is but it's clearly lost on you.

It's ridiculous because children do not think like adults. They do not have that capability. If you have a different viewpoint that's fine, but don't be so dismissive of mine. It's not 'lost' on me, how condescending.

curtainsfort · 03/12/2020 08:04

Of course they love their child more. There is a huge natural connection there. It's so strong in fact that parents who are treated poorly by their children still love them unconditionally.

I don't disagree with this.

Bollss · 03/12/2020 08:04

@curtainsfort

You can because it's the same relationship. Op was pointing out how ridiculous it is but it's clearly lost on you.

It's ridiculous because children do not think like adults. They do not have that capability. If you have a different viewpoint that's fine, but don't be so dismissive of mine. It's not 'lost' on me, how condescending.

Adults don't have the capability to just switch on love either though do they?
PettyAndHormonal · 03/12/2020 08:05

I don't think it's about anyone's age personally.

I think it's ridiculous to suggest anyone should love someone. You either love them or you don't. Being a child Vs an adult makes no difference. I can't help who I love anymore than a child can or any other person.

I cannot switch on parental like love for a child who is not mine purely because people think I should do it and I'm an adult.

curtainsfort · 03/12/2020 08:06

Adults don't have the capability to just switch on love either though do they?

No. But I didn't suggest they did.

Jobsharenightmare · 03/12/2020 08:06

It depends on a number of factors to me and I felt that I had a really strong bond because of the age they were when they came into my life. I personally would include them, just as if I adopted them, because this is the only family they know and see and to me they are family. I understand that it is very much a personal situation, but I know other step parents who would say they love their step children just as much as the bio kids. Especially when they met as little people and are now adults, as my friends have seen them grow up and have been part of that for 25+ years.

Bollss · 03/12/2020 08:10

@curtainsfort

Adults don't have the capability to just switch on love either though do they?

No. But I didn't suggest they did.

But you're saying it's different for adults - but it's not is it because they can't just love someone because others feel they should?
curtainsfort · 03/12/2020 08:30

But you're saying it's different for adults - but it's not is it because they can't just love someone because others feel they should?

No, I never said anyone should just love someone. I said the thoughts of adults in this situation cannot be compared to those of children.

dontdisturbmenow · 03/12/2020 08:38

A few months ago, my inlaws asked me how many kids I have
There's got to be a back story to this for them to ask such question. It makes no sense otherwise.

I've be ever ever heard that SMs are expected to consider their SCs as theirs unless in rare cases thankfully where the mother has died or stop any contact and the SM has taken over the role.

Aerial2020 · 03/12/2020 08:49

@curtainsfort

But you're saying it's different for adults - but it's not is it because they can't just love someone because others feel they should?

No, I never said anyone should just love someone. I said the thoughts of adults in this situation cannot be compared to those of children.

Yes this is what some posters are trying to say. An adult can make sense of it that a child would struggle with. You wouldn't expect a child to understand the same way. They Iove their mum because she is their mum and they know no different. A step parent may not love their step child the same way as a bio child but they would understand why. You cant compare children and adult feelings. They are separate.
PettyAndHormonal · 03/12/2020 08:51

@dontdisturbmenow

A few months ago, my inlaws asked me how many kids I have There's got to be a back story to this for them to ask such question. It makes no sense otherwise.

I've be ever ever heard that SMs are expected to consider their SCs as theirs unless in rare cases thankfully where the mother has died or stop any contact and the SM has taken over the role.

I've definitely seen it/ similar on here.

Posters getting pulled up for saying 'my husband's children' rather than 'the children' and so on...

PettyAndHormonal · 03/12/2020 08:53

I do appreciate the circumstances are different for the child and the adult because one chose to be a part of it and the other didn't.

I personally read the OP though as you wouldn't expect a child to love someone who isn't their parent and equally the same shouldn't be expected of a step parent.

Aerial2020 · 03/12/2020 08:53

@PettyAndHormonal

I don't think it's about anyone's age personally.

I think it's ridiculous to suggest anyone should love someone. You either love them or you don't. Being a child Vs an adult makes no difference. I can't help who I love anymore than a child can or any other person.

I cannot switch on parental like love for a child who is not mine purely because people think I should do it and I'm an adult.

No you can't and shouldn't be expected BUT you know that as an adult. A child does not have the same thought process. Of course age has everything to do with it otherwise all children would be born like adults and not have the innocence a child good has.
Aerial2020 · 03/12/2020 08:55
  • child hood
PettyAndHormonal · 03/12/2020 08:59

I think you've misunderstood what I was trying to say.

I understand the reasons why being understandable to an adult and not a child. I also understand that the child didn't choose the situation and the adult did.

My point was merely that love is not a choice whether you're an adult or a child. Whether you understand why that is or not is not the point I was making. You love someone or you don't regardless of age.

DeadSouth · 03/12/2020 09:00

I personally find it hard to stomach when someone is in a relationship (not marriage) with someone and they post about having two kids all over social media. I would find it disrespectful to their mum.

PettyAndHormonal · 03/12/2020 09:03

@DeadSouth

I personally find it hard to stomach when someone is in a relationship (not marriage) with someone and they post about having two kids all over social media. I would find it disrespectful to their mum.
Me too. I've personally never posted about my step children on my social media. If you looked on mine you'd think there was only one child in our house, my biological child. Not because I'm an evil person or don't want to include them, just for me personally I'm not going to post photos etc of other people's kids 🤷
Aerial2020 · 03/12/2020 09:07

I was saying the why reasons because the OP was asking about the role reversal.

And I was saying because they are children and they don't understand the why. So role reversal doesn't work on the scenario because they are not two adults discussing . The age makes the difference.

Bollss · 03/12/2020 09:07

@curtainsfort

But you're saying it's different for adults - but it's not is it because they can't just love someone because others feel they should?

No, I never said anyone should just love someone. I said the thoughts of adults in this situation cannot be compared to those of children.

so you're agreeing then, jesus.
Aerial2020 · 03/12/2020 09:08

Infact step parenting and blended families are hard work and it is not easy.
I can see the frustration in the OP post and I think that's what she was getting at.
The frustration that it's hard.

aSofaNearYou · 03/12/2020 09:38

@Aeriel2020 What you're saying doesn't make any sense. Why does it make any difference if the person in question understands why they don't love steps as much as their biological mother/child? The OP wasn't questioning children asking the question, it's other adults.

Aerial2020 · 03/12/2020 09:58

The OP said 'ask my step kids how many mothers they have'