Roles in reverse?

[amotherslove7]

As a step mother, I always hear the phrase 'you have to love them like they are your own' but why do I never hear my step kids being told that they 'have to love me as if I was their bio mom'?

Why so one sided?

Complete BS if you ask me!

A few months ago, my inlaws asked me how many kids I have.

I said 1.

They shook their heads sadly and said no you have 4.

BS!!!

I gave birth to one! Just one!

Ask my step kids how many mothers they have! Ask them!

I guarantee they will NOT say 2!!!!

Yes but the question was why do people (as in adults) think it's reasonable to expect me to love them like my own, when if you asked the step kids they wouldn't love me like their own mother.

All the comments on this thread seem to have agreed that nobody, adults or children, can help who they love and how much. So unless you're trying to say that it's different because adults should use their mature understanding to pretend they love their step children like their own, whilst step children can't be expected to do the same, then why is their ability to understand relevant?

@DeadSouth

I personally find it hard to stomach when someone is in a relationship (not marriage) with someone and they post about having two kids all over social media. I would find it disrespectful to their mum.

I think it is disgusting to post about children - your own, step-children, other related children, or friends' children - over social media full stop.

Then again I safeguard the children I knows privacy as much as possible on social media.

Yes but the question was why do people (as in adults) think it's reasonable to expect me to love them like my own, when if you asked the step kids they wouldn't love me like their own mother.

It is because their "experience" of step-mothers comes from fairy tales. They expect other women to do things they wouldn't do themselves.
Also those people don't realise you can end up as a step-parent to someone who can be any age from 0 to 80.

@Cloverforever

Who has said you have to love them like your own? I've never read that, anywhere.

Me neither.

Suspect this is OPs soapbox topic and her inlaws have been subjected to it which prompted the question. They didn’t ask for no reason.

Plenty of us on here have seen this expectation on here.

Including none step parents telling you how they'd never get with someone with kids if they weren't willing to love them like their own, being told you should leave all your inheritance equally to your own DC, SPs parents should treat DSC the same as their grandchildren and so on...

Things like this are said on here all the time.

Tbh answering the question “I have one” seems odd. They know How many children you have. Why didn’t you just look baffled and say “eh? Are you drunk? You know how many children I have”

I'll always remember the thread where the OP honestly expected her EX partner to take all of her children out with him every time he saw his biological son (so his ex step children as well).

Crazy.

@Smallsteps88

Tbh answering the question “I have one” seems odd. They know How many children you have. Why didn’t you just look baffled and say “eh? Are you drunk? You know how many children I have”

Far less odd than being told she’s got 4. At least she was being accurate. Still not sure why they asked.

I’m assuming they were having a discussion about it rather than they out of the blue asking her. That would be just bizarre.

I don't love my stepson. In fairly, he was an older teen when I met my DP, and I do imagine that things would have been different if he was younger, as I'd have had a more active role in his upbringing. But I just entered his life in the 'grunty' phase, and I only see him a few times a day when he briefly comes downstairs to get food/drink in between computer games!

But, despite the fact I don't love him (as I'm sure he doesn't love me), I look out for him, cook/clean/wash for him (not like a slave, I just mean I do these things for the whole household), talk to him about how his A Levels are going, chat about various other things etc .. I think our relationship is about as good as you can get with an older teenage boy to be honest!

But no, I don't love him. And if anyone were to ask me how many kids I have, I wouldn't reply none, but I would reply 'one stepson'.

The real question, IMHO, is how kids are getting mixed up and “not understanding” in the first place. Why are they expecting parental love from people other than their parents? Do they just automatically expect it of all adults of their lives or are they being told they are hard done by if they aren’t getting it?

Posters getting pulled up for saying 'my husband's children' rather than 'the children' and so on...
That's not saying they should love her SCs as her own.

Things like this are said on here all the time
Certainly not all the time and very quickly shut down by SM and non SM. The inheritance doesn't mean they should love the children the same. My SM for instance is leaving be some money in her will but of course lives her daughter more than me.

Similarly, asking grand parents to treat kids the same (or. same presents for instance is not saying SMs should live her SCs as her own.

I think there's a lot of projecting here and making 4+4=5.

Do they just automatically expect it of all adults of their lives or are they being told they are hard done by if they aren’t getting it?
Not unreasonable to expect it from family members. It's natural for children, especially young ones to consider their SM as family.

The SM might not consider them part of her family.

I consider my DSD to be part of my family, bi to don’t consider her to be my child. I don’t understand why it must be one or the other.

@ReasonablyUnreasonable, maybe inflicted is the wrong word but children don't choose to have step parents in their lives. They don't get a vote over someone who can impact their lives.

I don't think this sentiment has anything to do with an Ex (why do women insist on calling other women bitter, its not used for men).

My dc are not keen on new partners, both sides, I think age is a factor, certainly once they are at secondary age they adapt less well. They feel "steps" are forced on them especially if it means going to other people's houses or having to social with their parents, partner's children. Their preference would be to have solo parent time and not be involved in their parents new relationships.

I think some children react better than others, in the same way that some adults like having guests stay whereas others don't.

My dc who are independent don't mind being social but that's because they can retreat to their own homes and not have step parents "inflicted" on them. Teens would prefer dad and mum limit their interaction with step parents.

People say you need to love your step kids because you chose to join your partner and his kids.
The kids didn't choose you and can't choose to leave in the same way that you could if you wanted.
You definitely don't have to love them like your own. That's often a lazy way of saying you'll treat them all fairly.

You have 1 child but your family has 4 kids imo.

You love them as your children and you earn a place in their hearts as a mother figure in the same way you do with foster and adopted kids. If you aren't even willing to try that you shouldn't be in their lives

@HallieKnight

You love them as your children and you earn a place in their hearts as a mother figure in the same way you do with foster and adopted kids. If you aren't even willing to try that you shouldn't be in their lives

What a load of bollocks.

@Techway To be fair, I would certainly call one of my (male) exes bitter, but I do see your point. I apologise for reacting so strongly, I clearly woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

However, I would disagree that teens would prefer to limit their interactions with their step parents. My teen DSS (14 this month) will sit in the same room as me, chatting, showing me stuff on his phone, talking about school, by his own choice. He is far more likely to join me when I am on my own in the house, rather than when his DF is with us - he is usually shut away in his room gaming or watching YouTube with DP is home. I actually think he finds it easier to be himself with me than he does either of his parents, because I am more impartial.

Again, having said all of that, my DSD seems to constantly flit between loving me and hating me. I try not to 'push myself' upon her, if you will, so will leave her to do things with her DF, but will join in if she asks me to. My DSD is five years younger than my DSS, but has adapted less well.

Children's wellbeing is never "bollocks", it's important

@HallieKnight

You love them as your children and you earn a place in their hearts as a mother figure in the same way you do with foster and adopted kids. If you aren't even willing to try that you shouldn't be in their lives

Are you a step parent?

Actually, in many cases, stepmothers cannot simply ‘open their hearts’ to the stepchildren and reap their rewards of ‘being loved like a mother figure’. Many stepmothers find that the children hate them even more for being nice and appealing because it makes them feel like they’re being disloyal to their mother.

What many of us get in return for being kind and patient with our DSC is increasingly bad behavior and attempts to upset us.

I’d never expect my DSC to love me. I don’t love them and cannot imagine ever doing so. When DH complains that I’m not doing his parenting work for him treating them like ‘my children’, I have started asking why he (as a man in his 40s) doesn’t love his SM or treat her like a mother. He’s known her for over 30 years and she’s done so much for him and his siblings over the years (including relocating away from all her family and friends because MIL moved hours away and FIL wanted to be able to see his kids).

And foster

I’d say that ‘bitter’ is exactly the right way to describe both my parents about their divorce. Even 30 years on they’re most definitely bitter. My dad just as much as my mum.

I don’t agree it’s a gendered term. It’s just that the demographics of MN mean bitter ex wives are over represented. If this were F4J or something, it’d be wall to wall bitter ex husbands.

@HallieKnight

And foster

Fostering is not at all like step parenting.

Neither is adoption.

They’re each completely different situations. In step parenting, a child still has two (competent enough) parents who very often don’t want anyone else interfering in their parenting choices.