Roles in reverse?

[amotherslove7]

As a step mother, I always hear the phrase 'you have to love them like they are your own' but why do I never hear my step kids being told that they 'have to love me as if I was their bio mom'?

Why so one sided?

Complete BS if you ask me!

A few months ago, my inlaws asked me how many kids I have.

I said 1.

They shook their heads sadly and said no you have 4.

BS!!!

I gave birth to one! Just one!

Ask my step kids how many mothers they have! Ask them!

I guarantee they will NOT say 2!!!!

@HallieKnight

You love them as your children and you earn a place in their hearts as a mother figure in the same way you do with foster and adopted kids. If you aren't even willing to try that you shouldn't be in their lives

Oh dear lord 🙄

You still love on them just the same and in time they come to love you.

@HallieKnight your comments are coming across as very naive, do you have any experience of this situation?

@HallieKnight

You still love on them just the same and in time they come to love you.

Except that totally naive view has little relationship to actual blended families.

There’s plenty of rigorous research that shows that it’s just not true. And insisting that it is does much more harm than good.

You love them as your children and you earn a place in their hearts as a mother figure in the same way you do with foster and adopted kids. If you aren't even willing to try that you shouldn't be in their lives
This sort of absolute attitude can lead to alot of upset as unnatural expectations are placed on the step parent and almost inevitably these expectations can’t be met. Sort of like a 4 year old being told Santa doesn’t exist, but they will still get presents - a step parent can be nice and kind, welcoming, fun, caring, and everyone can be very happy together, as long as nobody is clinging on to the idea that it’s not enough and more is owed to the child ie. the “magic” if you like, of parental love from someone other than their parent.

As an experienced and successful step and foster mum I know this to be 100% the case, but if you're not willing to put the work in it will never work

@HallieKnight

You still love on them just the same and in time they come to love you.

No. Not always, in fact in the majority of cases, I'd say this were absolutely not true.

For all those that were saying this never happens... Here you go.

@HallieKnight

As an experienced and successful step and foster mum I know this to be 100% the case, but if you're not willing to put the work in it will never work

Yes. It’s clearly all the stepparent’s fault. If only they’d been willing to put in the work. 🙄

You’d think an experienced foster parent and stepmum would appreciate the quite considerable differences between the two situations. And also appreciate that adoption is a different kettle of fish again.

@HallieKnight

Children's wellbeing is never "bollocks", it's important

It definitely is. What you said was bollocks. Ps fostering is v different than step parenting.

It's expectations to ''replicate'' a nuclear family that seem often central to so many blended family issues.. these expectations can come from anyone ( the DM, DF, SM, DC, SDC, GP, SGP, stranger on the street etc) and be projected on anyone involved.

Seems terribly unfair to impose these expectations on anyone. I don't buy the ''if you don't / can't love them like your own'' then leave or that a child's wellbeing could possibly be reliant on a step mothers love - these are absurd expectations and bound to fail in 99% of cases. This leaves huge potential for people to get upset feeling the reality doesn't meet the expectation. You can't force 'love', or even people to 'like' on another. You can expect an adult to get over themselves and be kind, caring etc to a child regardless of what adult issues might exist in parallel.

Coming to @amotherslove7 original point about double standards... I've never asked this question of a child for obvious reasons, but I suspect any child asked who are your Daddy and Mummy in a line up of all family members would point to their biological parents in 99% of cases. Expecting a SM to point in the same line up to her biological kids and Step kids is a double standard.

Fostering is paid ......adoption is a permanent arrangement where the biological parents have given up responsibility. No issues around passing the child between parents and doing EOW etc...step parents can dissappear at the end of the relationship so very very different. I was a step child and to be honest didnt care a jot about my 'step mum', she was my dads partner. Those who think that the SM should be involved are kidding themselves, for me I wanted to spend time with my dad and didnt get the opportunity...

@ReasonablyUnreasonable

'You've been inflicted upon them'. Spoken like a true, bitter ex wife.

I bet if we SMs said we wanted entirely separate lives from our SC, that would be unacceptable because we aren't including them in our new family. So I'm either inflicting myself upon them, or I'm excluding them.

Burn!

Good one.

I am actually smiling while reading this.

@IndecentFeminist

Presumably because being loved and treated well is fundamental to a child's security and upbringing, but an adult is different

Sooooo...because I am an adult - f*ck my feelings?

Ummm, okay.

@dontdisturbmenow

A few months ago, my inlaws asked me how many kids I have There's got to be a back story to this for them to ask such question. It makes no sense otherwise.

I've be ever ever heard that SMs are expected to consider their SCs as theirs unless in rare cases thankfully where the mother has died or stop any contact and the SM has taken over the role.

Of course there is a back story.

A very typical blended family back story.

Girl meets boy with kids from previous relationship.

Girl falls in love with boy and thinks because she is happy and so in love everything will be peachy keen.

Girl marries boy.

Girl tries hard to bond with kids.

Girl bends over backwards to be accepted by kids.

Kids want no parts of Girl.

After a few YEARS of trying, Girl stops trying to 'win' over kids that want no parts of her.

In-laws sense distance between Girl and kids.

In-laws want Girl to try harder with kids.

Girl point blank REFUSES to try any longer.

In-laws are disappointed in Girl.

Girl gives zero f*cks.

The end.

@Smallsteps88

I’m assuming they were having a discussion about it rather than they out of the blue asking her. That would be just bizarre.

Yes. It was a staged intervention.

They were trying to convince me that I am supposed to never give up on kids.

Blank stare. Umm hmmm. Yeah whatever. Are we done yet?

I am done with them.

I will treat them how they treat me. Nothing more nothing less.

@HallieKnight

You love them as your children and you earn a place in their hearts as a mother figure in the same way you do with foster and adopted kids. If you aren't even willing to try that you shouldn't be in their lives

I tried. Didn't work. So. I am done now.

I will not be treated as less than but continue to kiss their butts, begging them to accept me.

No. Not gonna happen.

You don't treat me like sh*t but then expect me to treat you like you are gold.

@HallieKnight

Children's wellbeing is never "bollocks", it's important

My well being, regardless of my age is important to ME.

@KumquatSalad

Actually, in many cases, stepmothers cannot simply ‘open their hearts’ to the stepchildren and reap their rewards of ‘being loved like a mother figure’. Many stepmothers find that the children hate them even more for being nice and appealing because it makes them feel like they’re being disloyal to their mother.

What many of us get in return for being kind and patient with our DSC is increasingly bad behavior and attempts to upset us.

I’d never expect my DSC to love me. I don’t love them and cannot imagine ever doing so. When DH complains that I’m not doing his parenting work for him treating them like ‘my children’, I have started asking why he (as a man in his 40s) doesn’t love his SM or treat her like a mother. He’s known her for over 30 years and she’s done so much for him and his siblings over the years (including relocating away from all her family and friends because MIL moved hours away and FIL wanted to be able to see his kids).

I would love to know what his response to that question was?

Did it sink in? Or did it just float right over his head?

@HallieKnight

As an experienced and successful step and foster mum I know this to be 100% the case, but if you're not willing to put the work in it will never work

It takes two.

I cannot and will not continue to shower someone with love when in return all I get is two middle fingers in my face.

No, I am not being literal. My step kids are not blatantly disrespectful.

I said that to place emphasis on how I feel they treat me.

They have actively and purposefully made it abundantly clear they do not wish to have a relationship with me.

So I have actively and purposefully made it abundantly clear, that after years of trying- I do not wish to have a relationship with them.

@Pinkyxx

It's expectations to ''replicate'' a nuclear family that seem often central to so many blended family issues.. these expectations can come from anyone ( the DM, DF, SM, DC, SDC, GP, SGP, stranger on the street etc) and be projected on anyone involved.

Seems terribly unfair to impose these expectations on anyone. I don't buy the ''if you don't / can't love them like your own'' then leave or that a child's wellbeing could possibly be reliant on a step mothers love - these are absurd expectations and bound to fail in 99% of cases. This leaves huge potential for people to get upset feeling the reality doesn't meet the expectation. You can't force 'love', or even people to 'like' on another. You can expect an adult to get over themselves and be kind, caring etc to a child regardless of what adult issues might exist in parallel.

Coming to @amotherslove7 original point about double standards... I've never asked this question of a child for obvious reasons, but I suspect any child asked who are your Daddy and Mummy in a line up of all family members would point to their biological parents in 99% of cases. Expecting a SM to point in the same line up to her biological kids and Step kids is a double standard.

Double standard.

Exactly my point.

And I am so sick of it.

I am so sick of trying to attain and reach society's (& in law!) expectation of me as a Step Mother - when the child has zero expectations in this relationship in reverse.

Zero.

I am just so done.

And further more tbh, those that get it- get it. Thank you for commenting and showing your support.

Those that don't get it. Not my problem. Judge all you want. Enjoy your life.

If you want to leave just leave

@HallieKnight

If you want to leave just leave

My marriage? Or this forum? Or both? LOLOLOL

My God you sound angry.
Which you're allowed to be as no one is saying fuck your feelings.
Kids reject for all sorts of reasons. And it hurts. It really hurts.
Where is their dad in all of this??
But you're still the adults in the scenario so leave and be done with it.

You don't have to meet the expectations of your in laws. You don't have to do anything at all.
I hope you find some peace.