Roles in reverse?

[amotherslove7]

As a step mother, I always hear the phrase 'you have to love them like they are your own' but why do I never hear my step kids being told that they 'have to love me as if I was their bio mom'?

Why so one sided?

Complete BS if you ask me!

A few months ago, my inlaws asked me how many kids I have.

I said 1.

They shook their heads sadly and said no you have 4.

BS!!!

I gave birth to one! Just one!

Ask my step kids how many mothers they have! Ask them!

I guarantee they will NOT say 2!!!!

[quote Witchymclovely]@Mommabear20 yes that’s the point exactly. And that’s the same level of maturity some SMs have to encounter when dealing with SC and BMs - not all may I add- “ I didn’t choose you” . You’ve articulated yourself just like a child.[/quote]
Exactly.

Life happens.

You don't get to choose your classmates.

You don't get to choose your coworkers.

You don't get to choose the other participants in your gym exercise class.

But step kids should be able to CHOOSE their father's new WIFE??

Riiiiiiight.

Good for you OP. I did the same, I DIVORCED MY STEPCHILD and I’ve never been happier. I still have my partner because he realised how toxic it all was and agreed something radical needed to happen. I’m not giving him up for a spoilt brat who wanted to make my life hell because it made her BM happy! It didn’t matter it was me! It could have been any poor woman who stepped in her shoes.

@Aerial2020

You don't have to meet the expectations of your in laws. You don't have to do anything at all. I hope you find some peace.

Thank you. I am working on it.

@HallieKnight

I hope the father is protecting all his kids from this

I need protection from you. Your comments are barf worthy.

Don't you have several foster and adopted children to smother with your love and uppityness??

Your only purpose here is to entertain me with your drivel. Your words mean absolutely nothing to me. Carry on though!

@Witchymclovely

Good for you OP. I did the same, I DIVORCED MY STEPCHILD and I’ve never been happier. I still have my partner because he realised how toxic it all was and agreed something radical needed to happen. I’m not giving him up for a spoilt brat who wanted to make my life hell because it made her BM happy! It didn’t matter it was me! It could have been any poor woman who stepped in her shoes.

Good for you! Your happiness and quality of life should not suffer because your step daughter decided you aren't worthy.

I am so sick of trying to attain and reach society's (& in law!) expectation of me as a Step Mother - when the child has zero expectations in this relationship in reverse

I think this is spot on. For whatever reason some children just don't want step parents.I think personality/age/circumstances are factors.

No one, adult or child should be forced to spend time at home with someone they don't have a relationship with but we seem to force the situation by blending families and it rarely works out well.

I think sm have a tougher time because fathers often have much higher expectations for women..they consciously or subconsciously expect their partner to act "motherly" and this puts pressure on the children and step-mum.

Op, not sure how old the children are but hopefully they are closer to teen years. Ideally they get to a their Dad on a solo basis, there is no need to blend and create a false family setup if if it's not naturally working. It doesn't mean you or the children are bad people, perhaps just very different.

I hope that you find a way to co exist with the children but don't think you need to put in more effort.

@Techway

I am so sick of trying to attain and reach society's (& in law!) expectation of me as a Step Mother - when the child has zero expectations in this relationship in reverse

I think this is spot on. For whatever reason some children just don't want step parents.I think personality/age/circumstances are factors.

No one, adult or child should be forced to spend time at home with someone they don't have a relationship with but we seem to force the situation by blending families and it rarely works out well.

I think sm have a tougher time because fathers often have much higher expectations for women..they consciously or subconsciously expect their partner to act "motherly" and this puts pressure on the children and step-mum.

Op, not sure how old the children are but hopefully they are closer to teen years. Ideally they get to a their Dad on a solo basis, there is no need to blend and create a false family setup if if it's not naturally working. It doesn't mean you or the children are bad people, perhaps just very different.

I hope that you find a way to co exist with the children but don't think you need to put in more effort.

Thank you! They are all teenagers.

They are children. Dont expect adult emotions and reactions from them. Of course they love their mother more. There is a huge natural connection there. It's so strong in fact that children who are treated poorly by their mother still want to be with them.

And by the same logic ... of course stepmums love their own biological children more. There is a huge natural connection there. It's so strong in fact that biological children who misbehave are still loved unconditionally by their own mothers.

See how it works both ways?

@LouJ85

They are children. Dont expect adult emotions and reactions from them. Of course they love their mother more. There is a huge natural connection there. It's so strong in fact that children who are treated poorly by their mother still want to be with them.

And by the same logic ... of course stepmums love their own biological children more. There is a huge natural connection there. It's so strong in fact that biological children who misbehave are still loved unconditionally by their own mothers.

See how it works both ways?

It is like talking to a brick wall sometimes, isn't it?

You can talk really slow, you can give crystal clear examples, you can repeat yourself.

They just flat out refuse to see the truth of this kind of situation.

Kids reject out of anger and fear usually.
At a guess, theres prob a whole lot of feelings going on to do with their own bio parents and the step mum is an easy target to offload. You get all the shit feelings that they aren't able to process.
Its your partner that needs to be helping you with this.

@amotherslove7
There is an inherent imbalance in the relationship between adults and children. You chose the man to whom you are married. You did not choose his brother, his best friend ,nor your next door neighbor. You chose that particular man with those particular children . You made a choice based upon your preferences and the experiences and activities that you shared with him. None of those options, preferences or experiences were available to the children. They simply conveyed with his relationship. You had the power that comes with choice. In these situations, children have no power. They are acted upon rather than being equal actors in the family structure play.

You do not get to choose your classmates, but you do get to decide which of them become your friends. You do not get to choose your teachers, but if a particular student/teacher relationship is not working , parents often have the option of requesting a change or some other intervention by the school.

Children should never be allowed to be rude to adults or other children for that matter. Politeness should be an expectation in all circumstances, you can insist that your child treat everyone with courtesy. You cannot insist that your child like or want a relationship with anyone.

You have the option of disengaging. Children are never offered the option to disengage. Efforts by children to emotionally disengage are often described as rudeness, disrespect, or entitlement. Young children do not often have awareness and vocabulary to articulate a desire to disengage, but they may be feeling the same desire to separate that you are feeling.

I am not trying to excuse rude behavior, but I am saying that the power imbalance in the adult-child relationship makes the adult the one who should bring more understanding and tolerance to the relationship development process.

Children should be able to assume that their home life will be filled with acceptance, caring ,and support from all of the adults who by their own choices inhabit the children's orbit and environment. These children are there because for the choices that adults have made; the adults are there because of decisions that they themselves have freely and willingly made.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@amotherslove7
There is an inherent imbalance in the relationship between adults and children. You chose the man to whom you are married. You did not choose his brother, his best friend ,nor your next door neighbor. You chose that particular man with those particular children . You made a choice based upon your preferences and the experiences and activities that you shared with him. None of those options, preferences or experiences were available to the children. They simply conveyed with his relationship. You had the power that comes with choice. In these situations, children have no power. They are acted upon rather than being equal actors in the family structure play.

You do not get to choose your classmates, but you do get to decide which of them become your friends. You do not get to choose your teachers, but if a particular student/teacher relationship is not working , parents often have the option of requesting a change or some other intervention by the school.

Children should never be allowed to be rude to adults or other children for that matter. Politeness should be an expectation in all circumstances, you can insist that your child treat everyone with courtesy. You cannot insist that your child like or want a relationship with anyone.

You have the option of disengaging. Children are never offered the option to disengage. Efforts by children to emotionally disengage are often described as rudeness, disrespect, or entitlement. Young children do not often have awareness and vocabulary to articulate a desire to disengage, but they may be feeling the same desire to separate that you are feeling.

I am not trying to excuse rude behavior, but I am saying that the power imbalance in the adult-child relationship makes the adult the one who should bring more understanding and tolerance to the relationship development process.

Children should be able to assume that their home life will be filled with acceptance, caring ,and support from all of the adults who by their own choices inhabit the children's orbit and environment. These children are there because for the choices that adults have made; the adults are there because of decisions that they themselves have freely and willingly made.[/quote]
" Efforts by children to emotionally disengage are often described as rudeness, disrespect, or entitlement. Young children do not often have awareness and vocabulary to articulate a desire to disengage, but they may be feeling the same desire to separate that you are feeling."

Definitely struck a chord.

I actually don't have much of a response because I am actively trying to process what you have said.

I think - I think a lot of the resentment I am feeling toward my step kids would not exist if (1) they were able to articulate their detachment toward me years ago ( I would have accepted it and moved on- no problem!!!) and (2) if my husband and in-laws were able to understand that the distance between my step kids and me was not 'my fault' due to my lack of trying and (3) I didn't waste my time trying so hard for years and getting flipped the bird left and right - it was exhausting, humiliating, demoralizing and infuriating.

Does that make sense?

Your message has really thrown me for a loop and I am sitting here thinking of all the 'what ifs' that could have happened over the past several years had my step kids just been able to say- thanks but no thanks, I would rather you stay over there lady and I will stay over here- no hard feelings, though!

Well. You suck. I can't even think straight. How dare you do this to me?! How dare you say such thought provoking things to make me reevaluate my entire marriage and subsequent divorce from my step kids? So rude.

In these situations, children have no power. They are acted upon rather than being equal actors in the family structure play.

Not just in these situations. This isn't unique to step families.

It is true of biological, nuclear families, too. The inherent power balance between adults and children exists for a reason - because children are not emotionally mature enough yet to make appropriate and safe life choices (with some variation and shades of grey as child grows up, of course, depending on the choice). So adult intervention, oversight, and control is a necessary condition - children need some degree of that in order to feel safe and contained. For example, no child "chooses" to go to school. They are legally required to, and the expectation is enforced by their parents.

"But mummy I don't want to go today"
"But you have to go, darling, I'm afraid. School is important." Etc... There are countless every day examples of children not being in the driving seat within the adult-child dynamic, for very good reasons.

However what seems to happen on these boards is, when this is applied to step children - it becomes "but the children didn't choose this - such nasty horrible adults!" Therefore this is somehow a disadvantaged child. Tell me how many children within nuclear families chose their parents? And the dynamics that exist behind closed doors, of which they become an ingrained part? How do children of parents who remain together, hold any additional power or control than those of parents who are separated?

My point being, we cannot continue to give stepparents and the adults in blended families are hard time because "the children had no say in this"; and by default apply some sort of "oh my god those poor children" attitude to stepchildren. Children in all families have very little say generally speaking, simply by virtue of being children - not only in who their parents are and how they make them feel, but also in many life choices, until their age makes it appropriate to have a greater level of autonomy. That's just life as a child - not the "hard done by" life of a step child.

@LouJ85

In these situations, children have no power. They are acted upon rather than being equal actors in the family structure play.

Not just in these situations. This isn't unique to step families.

It is true of biological, nuclear families, too. The inherent power balance between adults and children exists for a reason - because children are not emotionally mature enough yet to make appropriate and safe life choices (with some variation and shades of grey as child grows up, of course, depending on the choice). So adult intervention, oversight, and control is a necessary condition - children need some degree of that in order to feel safe and contained. For example, no child "chooses" to go to school. They are legally required to, and the expectation is enforced by their parents.

"But mummy I don't want to go today"
"But you have to go, darling, I'm afraid. School is important." Etc... There are countless every day examples of children not being in the driving seat within the adult-child dynamic, for very good reasons.

However what seems to happen on these boards is, when this is applied to step children - it becomes "but the children didn't choose this - such nasty horrible adults!" Therefore this is somehow a disadvantaged child. Tell me how many children within nuclear families chose their parents? And the dynamics that exist behind closed doors, of which they become an ingrained part? How do children of parents who remain together, hold any additional power or control than those of parents who are separated?

My point being, we cannot continue to give stepparents and the adults in blended families are hard time because "the children had no say in this"; and by default apply some sort of "oh my god those poor children" attitude to stepchildren. Children in all families have very little say generally speaking, simply by virtue of being children - not only in who their parents are and how they make them feel, but also in many life choices, until their age makes it appropriate to have a greater level of autonomy. That's just life as a child - not the "hard done by" life of a step child.

Yes but what you are failing to notice in your post is that yes children have no choice in their parents but they already have lost their bio parents together and had no choice on that and now they have no choice in the new step parent. There will be feelings of loss, anger maybe, hurt, etc. So they will be carrying all those feelings (some very negative)if they are not addressed with love and care, into their relationship with the step parent. The balance of power has increased.

I really don't understand why people don't get that.
Whatever situation with any child, step parenting or anything you need the boundaries but you need to understand they are not thinking like adults and they can't regulate their emotions like adults can.

They just display them in whatever way they can. And if anger is there they will lash out. Usually to the step parent who gets it all as the new person who is reminding them of their lack of power.

you need to understand they are not thinking like adults and they can't regulate their emotions like adults can.

I don't think there's any part of my post that portrays that I don't understand that

If you say it a child that's life, tough get on with it without addressing what's really going on, how is that going to help them at all?
They'll feel even more rejected and bottle it all up.
No one is saying as a step parent it's easy or they should accept the bad behaviour but the expectations of kids to manage this without help just wont work???

Yes but what you are failing to notice in your post is that yes children have no choice in their parents but they already have lost their bio parents together and had no choice on that

And often, children in nuclear families will hear arguments and be living anxiously, on eggshells, in an awful atmosphere. Those children have "lost" a sense of safety and security. They have no choice in that.

If you say it a child that's life, tough get on with it

Yet again something I didn't say.

@LouJ85

Yes but what you are failing to notice in your post is that yes children have no choice in their parents but they already have lost their bio parents together and had no choice on that

And often, children in nuclear families will hear arguments and be living anxiously, on eggshells, in an awful atmosphere. Those children have "lost" a sense of safety and security. They have no choice in that.

And? What's your point? It's not a competition between who has it worse

@Aerial2020

My point is that stepmums get a ridiculously hard time on here, repeatedly - they are told "you chose it, get on with it, the kids had no choice...". etc. But lacking choice and experience negative emotions due to your family set up, could apply to very many children, even those whose parents are together. Yet "together" parents aren't given anywhere near such a hard time on here. I'm saying there's an inequity in how stepparents (stepmums in particular) are viewed on here and the expectations and negative attitudes applied to them, above and beyond what is ever expected of a biological mum in raising her children.

So I was essentially challenging @Tiredoftattler'a assertion that "in these situations children have little control", as though its unique to separated families. If two arguing parents chose to remain together, creating disharmony within the home, said children would have just as little control over their unhappy living arrangements.

And? What's your point? It's not a competition between who has it worse

Yet again, missing my point entirely.

I am pointing out the unfair expectations placed upon stepmums on here on the basis that their step kid "had no choice" in the matter, because few children have such choices regardless of their family setup.

I was actually responding to @Tiredoftattler's point hence why I quoted her post originally.

Yes it could apply to many children but we're not talking about many children , it's the OP situation that posters are responding to.
It's not unique to step children lack of control but as we're talking about step children on this thread then that's why it's being mentioned.

I don't think the OP is having a hard time on here. I think most people are being supportive, me included.
I'm saying children need help to manage their feelings. Or how would it get any better for the OP and the family

@Aerial2020

Ok I think are repeatedly (probably deliberately) misunderstanding my point so I will disengage from you now. Especially since I wasn't addressing you or your comment in the first place anyway.

Sometimes some kids are just horrible. Unfortunately those kids end up being your SC. For whatever reason they have for being horrible or displaying horrible behaviour it shouldn’t be tolerated by anyone. No child has any excuse to be rude to any adult in their home. All the adults in the situation of a blended family must agree this and back up any parent in this scenario. But it doesn’t happen! But parents just like in a school situation when the teacher has told off their little angel it’s the teachers fault! No my little ..... wouldn’t do that, she’s picking on him. Yes that’s right that’s what SMs do! We wake up in the morning and we decide to pick on your Biological children. And that’s how it starts.... because that’s what they want really (some not all) They want you to fail, they don’t want u to be a better mum than them, when you succeed it brings out there insecurities in their own mothering. Aerial 2020 I think your probably a really nice person but sometimes children really are just horrible and they lie. They also kick you in the face, wipe faeces on your bathroom carpet, Chinese burn their baby sibling, cut their father off when he won’t pay for a school trip. But that’s ok she’s a child from a broken home. There’s a line, we have feelings too.