Roles in reverse?

[amotherslove7]

As a step mother, I always hear the phrase 'you have to love them like they are your own' but why do I never hear my step kids being told that they 'have to love me as if I was their bio mom'?

Why so one sided?

Complete BS if you ask me!

A few months ago, my inlaws asked me how many kids I have.

I said 1.

They shook their heads sadly and said no you have 4.

BS!!!

I gave birth to one! Just one!

Ask my step kids how many mothers they have! Ask them!

I guarantee they will NOT say 2!!!!

Seems a bit harsh. Another divorce, another broken family, broken hearts, then the kids grow up in a few years and their dads alone and for what? Because they couldn’t the taught to be civil to the mother of their little sibling?

How old are the kids?

I never understand when people excuse rude behaviour from children when their parents split, even years later (talking older children).

My mum and dad were divorced. I still wouldn't have gotten away with being disrespectful to their new partners years afterwards.

If I was rude to the point of them feeling they had to leave I'd have been in trouble. No one has to be best friends but there would have come a point or age when my parents would have expected politeness and respect from me to someone else, regardless as to who it were.

I'd leave if things were really bad as the adult yes. But I don't think rude or disrespectful behaviour in children should be ignored by parents either just because they are children. We should be teaching our children not to do this shouldn't we?

It is a sad situation when there is so much anger directed at minor children who are the only parties involved who get no say or choice in the cast of characters with whom they are forced to interact.

The kids do not get to choose their parents or step parents. They do not get to choose with whom they wish to live. They do not have the freedom to leave or to get a divorce. If they find themselves in an unhappy, unfair, or incompatible situation , they are just stuck. They can't go to an attorney or solicitor to seek a remedy. They can't choose to leave and live apart. The adults hold all of the cards and have all of the options.

However, unpleasant the kids may be, unpleasantness is the only card that they hold. Young kids act out of immaturity. Older children most often act out of resentment. Adults should be expected to bring wisdom, maturity and experience to these situations. When wisdom, maturity and experience do not work, the adults have the freedom to walk away.

@Tiredoftattler I don’t think I’ve ever recalled a balanced point of view from you.

When wisdom, maturity and experience do not work, the adults have the freedom to walk away
In OPs case, she has emotionally walked away from these kids. After years of trying she has said, “ok, you choose to be like this, I hear you, I’ll do the same”. Why should she now walk away from her husband too?
Let’s not pretend all kids are wide eyed innocent victims. Some know exactly what they are doing.

@Tiredoftattler

I really like your take on this. It is very compassionate and if I was a child in distress, showing it through acting out, I'd hope you were my parent or step parent's best friend.

@Tiredoftattler

It is a sad situation when there is so much anger directed at minor children who are the only parties involved who get no say or choice in the cast of characters with whom they are forced to interact.

The kids do not get to choose their parents or step parents. They do not get to choose with whom they wish to live. They do not have the freedom to leave or to get a divorce. If they find themselves in an unhappy, unfair, or incompatible situation , they are just stuck. They can't go to an attorney or solicitor to seek a remedy. They can't choose to leave and live apart. The adults hold all of the cards and have all of the options.

However, unpleasant the kids may be, unpleasantness is the only card that they hold. Young kids act out of immaturity. Older children most often act out of resentment. Adults should be expected to bring wisdom, maturity and experience to these situations. When wisdom, maturity and experience do not work, the adults have the freedom to walk away.

so basically you're saying no matter how awfully kids behave, that's totally fine?

i dont think thats words of wisdom at all, i think thats how selfish adults are created.

@Aerial2020

My God you sound angry. Which you're allowed to be as no one is saying fuck your feelings. Kids reject for all sorts of reasons. And it hurts. It really hurts. Where is their dad in all of this?? But you're still the adults in the scenario so leave and be done with it.

I am. Very angry. Trying to breathe and let things go.

Which is why I did decide to leave this relationship. With kids.

I am at peace and happy when I don't think about dealing with kids.

When people (H & in-laws) try to have conversations with me about it or when I think about those conversations - I get pissed all over again.

I am venting, getting things off my chest and out of my head so I can be at peace with my decision to end my relationship with kids.

So your comment/advice makes perfect sense to me and I have already taken massive steps to implement this decision in my day to day life. Started months ago, actually. And I do feel much much better.

One day at a time is my motto!

So you are getting a divorce?

@HallieKnight

So you are getting a divorce?

i think she means she is ending the relationship with the kids not with her husband?

But to do that without divorcing she would have to move out and only visit her husband and child on the days step kids are with their mum. I'm not sure her husband would want to stay married under those circumstances, especially as she has expressed hate for his children

@hallieknight I’ve managed exactly that. I had no contact with my SD for five- six years. It was hard for my Partner at first but I gave him no choice. He knows if he had been stronger and not a doormat we would never have been in the situation we were in. He was just as responsible for the breakdown as my SD was and her BM. I take no blame at all. It can be achieved and as a result my SD and I have contact now. She is 18 now and I see her twice a month for an hour or two.

@HallieKnight

But to do that without divorcing she would have to move out and only visit her husband and child on the days step kids are with their mum. I'm not sure her husband would want to stay married under those circumstances, especially as she has expressed hate for his children

why do you think you're such an expert on what other people think and feel?

you dont have to have a relationship with step children - perfectly possible to make yourself scarce when they are staying and just be civil when you see them without making any real effort.

perfectly possible to make yourself scarce when they are staying and just be civil when you see them without making any real effort
Which is all the children want, it seems, so why the handwringing now that the OP has decided that’s all they are going to get?
Shouldn’t kids learn about actions and consequences? If you’re not nice to someone, at some point or other they will decide they CBA with you either 🤷‍♀️

Sometimes it’s a question of saving your own sanity and preserving your relationship.

@Youseethethingis

perfectly possible to make yourself scarce when they are staying and just be civil when you see them without making any real effort Which is all the children want, it seems, so why the handwringing now that the OP has decided that’s all they are going to get? Shouldn’t kids learn about actions and consequences? If you’re not nice to someone, at some point or other they will decide they CBA with you either 🤷‍♀️

Exactly.

You cannot continually push someone away.....then turn around and realize they are GONE and cry about it.

You pushed me away. You made this bed. Lie in it.

@HallieKnight

So you are getting a divorce?

Yes. I divorced my step kids.

You divorce your husband

Because YOU chose to be in a relationship with someone that already has kids, they did not chose you.

I do want to clarify one thing.

I am angry. But I am also at peace with my decision.

I kind of think of my flitting between emotions (pissed off/happy/angry/content/angry/at peace) as if you wake up one day and are having a great day. Then you think of a deceased relative and feel sad, but maybe an hour later you are having a good day again.

I am not angry 24 hours a day.

I am angry whenever I think about certain things. Then I force those things out of my mind and think about things that make me happy again.

It works for me.

@HallieKnight

You divorce your husband

Yessir Boss! When you say jump, I say how high! Let me hop right on that!

@Mommabear20

Because YOU chose to be in a relationship with someone that already has kids, they did not chose you.

Guess what? Life happens. I have made peace with my step kids CHOOSING to not be decent or civil or show me the basic minimal courtesy that I have routinely watch them show complete strangers. That is their right and choice. My right and choice is to treat them how they treat me.

I hope the father is protecting all his kids from this

@Mommabear20 yes that’s the point exactly. And that’s the same level of maturity some SMs have to encounter when dealing with SC and BMs - not all may I add- “ I didn’t choose you” . You’ve articulated yourself just like a child.

@HallieKnight

I hope the father is protecting all his kids from this

Protecting from what? They don't want ops involvement and that is what they've got.