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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

624 replies

FlippidyFlop · 23/10/2020 13:39

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

OP posts:

Justbeinghonestreally · 23/10/2020 15:08

I think the thread just made me think about SC in general really and how sometimes it is easy for people to forget that leaving a relationship then means that your children can end up being SC and of course it can go many ways some successful others not. I don’t ever want mine to be SC and I wouldn’t want the complications of half siblings and things either and it’s not from a judgemental point of view.

I think I probably would struggle to feel that affection for someone else’s child so I completely understand why some posters are saying what they’re sayings. Absolutely.

Justbeinghonestreally · 23/10/2020 15:08

Yes I think my answer to would I prefer the alternative is I wouldn’t want either. I really wouldn’t.

Stantons · 23/10/2020 15:12

@Justbeinghonestreally I guess it depends how you handle things too. My feelings towards the SC are mostly linked to their mother who made our lives hell and spent 12 months trying to split us up.
I never really understood it, in her position I would want to be nice to someone who was going to be around my kids not piss them off

WearyandBleary · 23/10/2020 15:14

Not at all - I’d probably text or stay in touch no the same way I do for my ex-MIL.

I don’t love the step children like my own children. My relationship is really with their father. We try to be nice to each other though.

Original poster

FlippidyFlop · 23/10/2020 15:18

I do totally get you Just. I don't know how I'd feel about my kids being SC either. I think because as I've seen on here there are just so many variables.

Although one thing I would say is I've seen probably an equal number of exes being arses as I have step parents. Not my personal experience thankfully but it definitely happens just as much I'd say.

As for feeling affection, I'd say I do in a way. The same as I'd feel for any child who was with me at a certain time. But not a sort of attached affection that means I miss them when they're gone if that makes sense?

OP posts:

WooMaWang · 23/10/2020 15:19

@FlippidyFlop Mine were younger than that when I met DH and are here regularly. In fact, they are here more regularly than they would be if I were not here. I encouraged him to not just let his ex minimize contact (to maximize maintenance - she’s pretty overt about that) and to push for a contact schedule that allows them to have a real relationship with him.

I don’t need to love them or desire to see them myself to recognise the importance of them being here for both DH and his children. It’s not even that I’d never stop him seeing them. I actually support him so that he can see them as much as possible.

I certainly don’t do it for myself. In lots of ways, it really is about thinking about the DSC and putting them first. I could have a situation where they’re here EOW (and only on a Saturday night) but I didn’t try to encourage that. Instead, we have a 35-65 split. And during that 35%, DH puts them first by a long way.

Itsonlymakebelieve · 23/10/2020 15:19

I think that even if you wanted to stay in touch logistically it would be difficult. My sister had a DP with young children, over the years they were together she really got to love those children, both she and her DP got on well with his ex and all was good. She then broke up with her DP ( nothing to do with her SC) the SC mum was happy for my sister to still occasionally see the kids. But with school, being at mum’s house then dad’s house then visiting grandparents not much time was left over. It dwindled to birthdays and Christmas then faded away completely when my sister moved away for work.

Emmie12345 · 23/10/2020 15:23

Agree - would like to stay in touch if we split but wouldn’t pine for them

Original poster

FlippidyFlop · 23/10/2020 15:24

@Emmie12345

Agree - would like to stay in touch if we split but wouldn’t pine for them

I wouldn't try and keep in touch either nor would I want to tbh.

OP posts:

Coldandwet123 · 23/10/2020 15:25

I wouldn't at all. We get on ok. I was told by DH I should love his because they're his. I dont agree at all.
I can see in some situations where maybe the mother is absent for example. But children don't need every adult that comes into their lives to be a family member. My parents don't consider themselves SGP and I'm fine with this.

LyingDogsLie1 · 23/10/2020 15:30

No, I wouldn’t be fussed.

sassbott · 23/10/2020 15:34

No. Not one bit. In the main because their mother has never been supportive of my role in their lives. As a result I have stepped back massively, sacrificing my needs in my relationship to accommodate two children who need 121 contact with their dad, without feeling loyalty bonds (anxiety) when I’m there.

It’s not the children’s fault, they should (and do) come first. But as a result I now wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I never set eyes on them again. The bond is nothing more than children’s friends that I see once in a while.

@Justbeinghonestreally, fair enough. But then if you’re a mother who ends up in this situation. It’s not rocket science. Don’t be a total witch to your exh’s new partner. Because it’s hardly going to make any women warm to the children of a woman who is actively trying to mKe her life hell (which is precisely why so many women do it in the first place.)

I do laugh at some inevitable sanctimonious responses these threads provoke. It’s like a whole tranche of women refuse to admit that they deliberate create these situations precisely so her children don’t warm to another woman.

It is widespread. Which is why responses like this also are. Rarely do these dynamics exist between men. It’s always women.

MumChats · 23/10/2020 15:35

@StarUtopia

Wow, I"m quite shocked. How can you have children in your life and then be so throwaway about them?

Would you also not see your dog/cat again if you split up with your husband?

Wow. Just wow.

Not the same because your dog/cat would be yours wouldn't it. That's the same as saying would you not see your own children if you split up with your husband.

If your DP had a cat before you, then you were a couple, then you split up then yes i think it's very likely you'd not see that cat again...

Juniperandrage · 23/10/2020 15:37

I wouldn't get into a relationship if I didn't feel i could be fully committed to my step kids to be honest.

VanGoghsDog · 23/10/2020 15:38

Split with ex four years ago, having been with him seven years. I see my ex dss twice a year (his birthday and Christmas) and I keep in touch and send him weekly pocket money. He's 19.

I can't see me ever not being in touch with him. He's a beneficiary in my will too.

Not really in touch with the ex though.

So, yes.

Rae36 · 23/10/2020 15:38

No I wouldn't miss them. I haven't seen his dd, age 22, since Christmas. She only lives 5 minutes away. We have absolutely nothing in common. At a family event we'd sit together and have superficial chat but that's it. We are just not alike in any way, don't have any interests in common. She doesn't see her dad much either tbh. I see his son more, he's 27 and does come round. But again I probably wouldn't go out of my way to see him.

I would want our joint kids to keep in touch with their siblings so I guess I would see them for that reason until they got old enough to do it for themselves.

And I don't know, maybe if their dsd had died they would want to spend a bit more time with us? I would encourage them to do that if it helped them. But for me personally- no.

LastRoloIsMine · 23/10/2020 15:38

I split with my ex 7 years ago and still see my now adult step sons.
I have been to ones wedding. Was the first to hold their children this was luck not design )
Before covid i saw that at least once a month and since covid we have regular phone calls.

I dont think I am the norm though and I am lucky to have them in my life.

GabsAlot · 23/10/2020 15:38

prob not im not maternal and theyre adults now and i never ;lived with them

Rae36 · 23/10/2020 15:38

maybe if their dsd had died

Maybe if their dad had died I meant

Original poster

FlippidyFlop · 23/10/2020 15:40

@Juniperandrage

I wouldn't get into a relationship if I didn't feel i could be fully committed to my step kids to be honest.

And you'd know that beforehand how exactly?

OP posts:

Juniperandrage · 23/10/2020 15:40

..Because that's a conscious choice I'd make

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 23/10/2020 15:41

I’d miss mine.😕

I’ve known them for 21 years. My ds hardly remembers a life without them.

PrincessConsuelaBH · 23/10/2020 15:41

I'd be devastated.

I've been in DSD's life since she was 2 years old and we have 50/50 contact. I go to parents evenings, sports days, birthday parties etc.

I can't imagine that DH and I will ever split up but we do have DC together (so will always be tied) and I would make sure I still seen DSD, she's a big part of my life.

I get on well with her DM too - effort made on both parts for us to have a friendship. So I'm sure she would encourage me to still spend time with her.

Stantons · 23/10/2020 15:42

@Juniperandrage do you have or have you had SC?

Juniperandrage · 23/10/2020 15:42

No, but I know myself well enough

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