Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

[FlippidyFlop]

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

Step parents can't win can they, especially step mums.. They're either too involved or not involved enough. We're suppose to love a child/children as much as our own, spoil them with love and material things. Can't take our own children on holidays or days out without the step child but we can't tell them off or put boundaries in place😑 give me bloody strength.

If you'd have asked me this question a few years ago I'd of said yes, ask me now and honestly no, I wouldn't care less if I never seen them again.

@TeachesOfPeaches

You see quite often in blended families which have broken up, the dad only stays in touch with his biological children and not the step children that the mother believed he 'adored'.

There was a post not long ago actually that stuck with me about this.

The OP thought her ex should still take his ex step children everywhere when he took their joint biological children out after they'd split.

What about step children who live with you full time? I think its harder in that situation. I dont have any feelings for my step son who I've known for around 5 years. My partner and I are planning on moving in together with my Son and his son. I will be ful time step Mum but honestly I wont feel like his Mum and see myself as just his Dads partner. His Son is 12 so not a small child anymore.

No I wouldn’t be bothered. In fact, my partner’s kids haven’t been around for months now, mainly because of lockdown and also because of a silly fall out, but that’s fine by me.

My DP didn't see his own DS for the first 6 months of lockdown, and didn't seem too fussed, so I don't think it's unreasonable for me to be the same.

DP has never facilitated a relationship between me and his EXDW (I've never met her) nor has he encouraged a relationship between me and DSS. Now at 11, DSS refuses to do anything around the house, despite only ever asking him to wash his dinner plate! I'm also not allowed to tell him off, as the last time I did (he'd tripped up DS3 on purpose) he complained to his DM. Poor behaviour cannot be challenged as DP is terrified his EXDW will stop EOW as she did a few years back, before there was a court order in place. This means that on DSS weekends he is treated as the Golden Child, while DCs get scraps.

I read the thread on here the other day about the DH not wanting to have any fun without the DSCs and thought it could have been written about mine. DP makes us wait until DSS is staying before he will join us in any activities. I take the DCs to do things by myself, but end up feeling like I am a single mum, despite not being.

In essence, the reason I will not miss DSS at all when I split with DP in a couple of months, due to the way his father has mishandled our relationship.

Your post is so sad itsovernowthen. I’m glad you’re leaving. You and your children deserve so much better. I hope you can leave soon and wish you happier calmer days ahead

@itsovernowthen
What an awful man, so only one of his children deserve his attention?
I’ve said before that first wives really need to have a think about their behaviour and how it affects more than them.

I had a stepson who was bland and irritating and spoke in monosyllables (was way off being a teen at this point). Was so hard to engage with him. We got on but I didn't feel anything either way.

Then I had three stepchildren in a different relationship and I still miss two of them now. Much less so the other one of their siblings but I know her difficulties weren't her fault.

I know my partner wouldn't miss my youngest but I do think he'd notice the lack of hugs and being told she loves him. He'd miss my eldest. They could easily be related, they're so similar.

This is very sad, to be able to be so close to children for so long, and be happy to never see them again.

It reads like for many they tolerate the kids to get the partner. But deep down it’s a hidden rejection.

@FlippidyFlop

And I do wonder the agenda of posters who come onto the step parenting boards when they don't have SC nor have they ever.

I don’t have step children but this is on active threads and I thought it was an interesting topic.

I can see why you’d feel the way you do. I think I’d be the same.

If DH and I split, I wouldn’t actively keep up a relationship with his parents either, despite the fact that we get on really well and I like them.

@Bluntness100
It’s hard to love a child who isn’t your own, it’s not often reciprocated by step kids.
Sadly too many kids are privy to the anger between their parents and that doesn’t make for a smooth step parent/child relationship.
I’ve been close to leaving my DP because of his ex wife’s behaviour, I have in all honesty never come across such a horrible bitter person like this, he has done everything and more to suit her and is a great dad but nothing is never enough, I’ve been called every name there is, she’s lied and attacked by own D.C. and the DC now won’t even be in the same room as me. It’s incredibly difficult and exhausting.

I’m not a step parent. I have two DCs with my ex and a DC with my current partner. I live with current partner. So he is in effect step father to the two eldest. I can tell that he quite likes my middle child but the eldest he finds her annoying and she is disobedient. I’m sure he absolutely wouldn’t care less if he never saw them again if we split. Tbh if we didn’t have a shared DC
I think he’d be out of here as my eldest is so hard and draining.

You really need to leave SBTLove, how can you continue to let your children be in a situation like this.

I'm not a step parent but my children are step children to my exH's new wife and my DH. My DH was in a LTR a few years before he met me with a woman who had a child from a previous relationship. He never saw the child again when they split up but he still keeps a photo of him and talks about him every so often.

ExH is a muppet and will probably kill himself driving like an idiot one day. If/when that happens then I'd make an effort to ensure that the DC still saw their stepmum. She's amazing with them, they love her and she is the mother of their half-sibling, who I also want them to know and have a relationship with. The stepmum hates me though so goodness knows how that would work out.

@AnneLovesGilbert
Don’t worry that was nipped in the bud regards my own DC. We just ignore her as much as possible now. Sadly his DC are just like their mother; manipulative and grabby, he now takes them out one day a week, if they can get out of bed 🙄 It didn’t need to be like this.

Also @Annemy DC aren’t little.

I had SC for 3 years, long ago. They lived with us full time.

I had fortnightly contact visits for a year, until both XH and myself were in established relationships and it felt like time to move on. I would have continued to see them if they’d wanted that and 30 years on still wonder how they turned out.

Same as others have said - l would only stay in touch because they are dd's siblings. For me personally, nah really wouldn't be bothered. But they are grown up so not little kids. Just cos l love their dad, doesn't mean l have to love them - have always been very nice and welcoming but wouldn't feel right trying to be like a 2nd mum.

@Bluntness100

This is very sad, to be able to be so close to children for so long, and be happy to never see them again.

It reads like for many they tolerate the kids to get the partner. But deep down it’s a hidden rejection.

A rejection of what though? The kids are treated perfectly well by me whilst I am married to their father. But because I know if we ever split, it wouldn't be a concern for me not to see them again it's a rejection? We're talking about a hypothetical situation that's not even happened and which they don't even know my thoughts on.

And yes in all honesty, I tolerate my SC (although I don't think tolerate is necessarily the right word as it implies I don't actually like them, which I do) in the sense that I have a relationship with them because I want to be with my husband and it is a requirement of being with him that I get on with his children.

Yeh still see mine now not all the time but will take him out for the day for example and have been split from his dad for several years - he is my dc half brother Though and they are very close ( all stay The same weekends at their Dads together )

As in take him out for the day with my dc ( his siblings )

I, like you, feel much more detached than I would about my own children

I'd be surprised if you didn't feel this way tbh. It goes without saying it wouldn't feel the same as not seeing your own DC.

I certainly don't see them as mine in anyway.

Because they're not yours.

I don't really see what is wrong with that

I agree. There's nothing wrong at all.

I think the feelings you have are natural where you don't have a great relationship with them or feel close to them.

My son (originally stepson) is in his 20s now, was just two when I entered his life. I never imagined what life without him would be like, it would have deeply scarred me. From his childhood onwards I could not have loved him anymore if I'd fathered him.

I believe the answer to your question depends on the age of the stepchildren and their behaviour/attitude towards us.

One of my observations is stepparents saying they make the SDC feel welcome etc, but also staying they prefer non contact days.

When I speak to adults who were stepchildren, a lot of the time they describe it, as their Stepmum or Stepdad tolerating them...not that they treated them badly, but they didn't feel particularly welcome.

I think in all honesty it's difficult for everyone involved, especially the DC being the only ones who didn't choose the situation.