Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

[FlippidyFlop]

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

[FlippidyFlop]

And I'm also not sure what is meant by 'fully committing to step children'? Can you elaborate?

So if I split with DH tomorrow, if I were 'fully committed' I'd continue to have a relationship with my step children for the rest of our lives?

Imo I'm 'fully committed' in the sense that I would never come between their relationship with their father who is, after all, the person that they come here to see. I'd never stand in the way or discourage that and I am 'fully committed' to never hindering my husband's relationship with his children.

Or are you only 'fully committed' when you love them and think of them as your own?

[Beamur]

I think I would still have some contact with them. We do have the odd WhatsApp chat that doesn't involve Dad too. They are my DD's siblings so would always be part of my extended family.

[Chimpfield]

Nope - they (adult children) like me just as much as I like them!!!

[FlippidyFlop]

@Juniperandrage

..Because that's a conscious choice I'd make

People often like to think they know what they'd do or feel in a certain situation. I personally think most people are kidding themselves if they think they actually do know until they've been in it.

You can't know that you'd 'fully commit', however you mean that, before you've experienced it.

[Juniperandrage]

I think you are fully committed to them if when you split up with their parent you are still there to support them and guide them in whatever way they may want you to.

[FlippidyFlop]

And I do wonder the agenda of posters who come onto the step parenting boards when they don't have SC nor have they ever.

[Juniperandrage]

It was in active threads, but ok.

[FlippidyFlop]

@Juniperandrage

I think you are fully committed to them if when you split up with their parent you are still there to support them and guide them in whatever way they may want you to.

They have parents for that imo.

I actually think in most scenarios it would just complicate things further having another parent you have to make time for considering you're already moving between mum and dad.

[FuckedyFuck]

This thread is really sad to read as someone who had step parents. One of them raised me from age 2 and then disappeared when they split when I was 20. It was soul crushing actually to feel like the person who attended all of your nativity plays, parents evenings, birthday parties etc was obviously only doing so out of obligation, rather than love.

I hope some step parents remember that children are human and being so easily disregarded by someone they class as a parent can fuck them up massively, it’s incredibly cruel to ‘play families’ when in reality you don’t give a shit

[TazMac]

I agree. We’re back to having DSD 2 nights per week and EOW. I think the difficult relationship DP has with his ex and the no relationship I have with her impacts things. I know that if DP and I split I would rarely see DSD again, even though she is DD’s half sister. I get on well with DP’s parents though and would remain in touch with them, so there would be potentially the odd occasion that I’d see DSD at theirs to facilitate time for DSD and DD to spend together.

TBH I think I deliberately hold back from DSD because I know how controlling and difficult her mother is and I know that she would not make it easy for me to maintain a relationship with DSD, even if it was for DSD and DD’s sake.

[Littlepaws18]

My partners ex has just split from her boyfriend and one of the kids is devastated. The impact step parents can make is huge but the links are so tenuous. It definitely isn't a role to take lightly, it's one that done right can shape lives.

[SBTLove]

I actually think it’d be a relief not to have to deal with them!
Never have I come across such whiney manipulative kids,they truly are their mothers children, I feel exhausted at the mention of their names 🙄
First wives should bear in mind if you treat your ex and new DP badly and make everything as difficult as possible it does not endear your offspring to anyone.

[FlippidyFlop]

@FuckedyFuck

This thread is really sad to read as someone who had step parents. One of them raised me from age 2 and then disappeared when they split when I was 20. It was soul crushing actually to feel like the person who attended all of your nativity plays, parents evenings, birthday parties etc was obviously only doing so out of obligation, rather than love.

I hope some step parents remember that children are human and being so easily disregarded by someone they class as a parent can fuck them up massively, it’s incredibly cruel to ‘play families’ when in reality you don’t give a shit

And if I don't 'play families'?

I'm sorry that was your experience but I have never attended a nativity play or parents evening, their parents go to those. I don't 'play parent' and never have done because they don't need that from me.

I appreciate some step parents do and get far more involved in that aspect.

[SBTLove]

@Juniperandrage
You can’t really say any of that until you are in that situation. Unless you have shared DC there isn’t any need for you to be in the DSC life tbf, if your DP moves on you are just some odd ex hanging about.

[Juniperandrage]

I can say that because I just did. I'm wouldn't abandon someone if I helped raise them.

[FlippidyFlop]

@Juniperandrage

I can say that because I just did. I'm wouldn't abandon someone if I helped raise them.

This is my point though. I'm not raising them. Their parents are.

[FlippidyFlop]

Also love the argument of 'no I've never been in this situation myself (so couldn't possibly know how I'd feel) but I just said it, so there'.

[SBTLove]

Raise them? try telling their mother that🤣
It’s pretty rare that there’s this happy blended, everyone is pals scenario. Step parents are routinely informed they have no place to discipline or make rules so no you don’t raise them, they visit your house occasionally.

[Juniperandrage]

Ok? So you step parent differently from how I would. That's a thing, it happens. I'm not criticising you, just saying how I would do it.

[TazMac]

I'm wouldn't abandon someone if I helped raise them.

They have two parents to raise them. In my case anyway.

I think the situation is different if the DSC’s other parent is not in the picture and your partner has them full time.

[Stantons]

@FlippidyFlop I need a like button for your post

[FlippidyFlop]

@Juniperandrage

Ok? So you step parent differently from how I would. That's a thing, it happens. I'm not criticising you, just saying how I would do it.

You don't know how you'd step parent though, this is my point, because you've never done it 😂

It's like a childfree person trying to tell you how much better they'd parent than you.

It isn't always about what you'd do or want to do. Not all scenarios allow for that. Sometimes the other parent doesn't want you that involved, sometimes the kids don't and so on.

[TazMac]

Ok? So you step parent differently from how I would.

Depends what the child’s actual parents think about how much you should be parenting, if you ever become a step parent. As people have being trying to explain to you, how you parent step children isn’t actually up to the step parent.

[SBTLove]

@Juniperandrage
You don’t get a choice, can’t you see that?
They’re not your kids, you have no say.
I think you have some rose tinted specs there.
Wait until you have to deal with a vindicative first wife and her manipulative kids, we’ll see how keen you are then 🤣

[Juniperandrage]

Then as I said to begin with. I wouldn't get involved with their parent. That was my exact point