Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

[FlippidyFlop]

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

@juniperandrage you don't know how you would until you're in the situation.

I had a lovely idea of getting in with their mother, of doing things together with SC of being a positive influence in their lives.

Instead I got a year of hell from their mother, feral kids and Disney dad. I once suggested visiting a kids farm place in the early days, their mother lost it and said I was over stepping and needed boundaries putting in place, you just don't know what crazy you might end up with

@Juniperandrage

Then as I said to begin with. I wouldn't get involved with their parent. That was my exact point

You said if you weren't prepared to be fully committed.

My point was how would possibly know beforehand.

What you said is very different from saying you just wouldn't get involved with another parent at all.

You were quite clearly trying to suggest you'd be better because you'd 'fully commit' in a step parent situation. Unfortunately, it isn't always up to you (which you'd know if you ever had been).

Er no. I was not in anyway suggesting I'd be better but if you feel like i was maybe that's your issue. Different people step parent (and parent) in different ways for different reasons, I just know what my boundaries around it would be

I don’t fully understand why you’d bother discussing this with someone who isn’t or hasn’t been a step.

It’s like all those childless people who are parenting experts. Best just to laugh at the naivety I think!

Anyway, my sd is an adult now. We’d exchange social media likes on photos and possibly the occasional what’s app. But I don’t think we’d have a relationship and I don’t think I’d particularly miss her.

@OhCaptain

I don’t fully understand why you’d bother discussing this with someone who isn’t or hasn’t been a step.

It’s like all those childless people who are parenting experts. Best just to laugh at the naivety I think!

Anyway, my sd is an adult now. We’d exchange social media likes on photos and possibly the occasional what’s app. But I don’t think we’d have a relationship and I don’t think I’d particularly miss her.

Yes, I think you're right! I said similar in my previous 🤣

@Stantons
At least you got to suggest a day out!
I handed them a chocolate bar, DP then had 6 hrs of ranting msgs about how I had forced myself into their company(20 seconds) & they were upset and scared! This was 12/14 year olds. It’s not improved 🙄

I agree with FuckedyFuck, this is incredibly sad to read as someone who had a step parent.

There is a million miles between loving a child as much as your own and not caring if you ever see them again!

Honestly, I judge your partners for being with you if you are this disinterested in your step children.

Luckily for me, my parents only entertained relationships that saw us as a package deal.

Children shouldn't have to share their home (which their parents house should be, even if they only visit EOW) with someone who is polite but doesn't see them as family... they didn't ask for their parents to break up.

But thanks all, you've reminded me of how lucky I am. I'm going to go ring my mum to thank her for staying single rather than move in a man who only tolerated us.

Then I'm going to call my stepmum to thank her for making sure we felt secure and loved as children (something she still does now).

I became my SD's primary carer when me and her dad divorced. She was at an age when her views were taken into account and it was her choice to stay with me and her half sister. I don't regret a thing and would do it again if I had to.

Then I'm going to call my stepmum to thank her for making sure we felt secure and loved as children (something she still does now).

You have no idea how anyone on the thread makes their stepchildren feel, in fairness. How could you?

[quote SBTLove]@Stantons
At least you got to suggest a day out!
I handed them a chocolate bar, DP then had 6 hrs of ranting msgs about how I had forced myself into their company(20 seconds) & they were upset and scared! This was 12/14 year olds. It’s not improved 🙄[/quote]
That's just crazy to me!

I've fortunately never had this problem so I can't blame it on a difficult ex in my case!

I guess the best way I could describe it is there doesn't seem to have ever been 'room' for another parent? Not that I've ever particularly wanted to be either. But they have two very involved parents, who co parent well and do all the parenting that is needed, there just aren't any gaps that I need to plug in that sense 🤷

@sbtlove I only suggested it to OH not SC, just imagine how traumatic that would have been for them

Can't believe you would be so wicked those poor poor children

Luckily for me, my parents only entertained relationships that saw us as a package deal

Not sure which part has indicated that I don't see them as a package deal? Was it the bit where I said repeatedly that I'd never stand in the way of their relationship with their dad and wouldn't ever discourage contact. Or maybe the part where I said I got on well with them, was kind and welcoming? 😂

My step children seem perfectly happy to me. So far as I am aware, they don't want nor need another mother. I'm a friendly adult and we're all fine with that.

So long as me and DH are together, I'm perfectly happy they are in our lives. But if we split, no I wouldn't feel any burning desire to carry on a separate relationship.

I find some of these replies so sad, I'd be heartbroken if I didn't get to see my partners children again, I love them like my own and they are my children's half brothers, we briefly split up for around 2 weeks a few years ago and not seeing them for that two weeks was bad enough

@Juniperandrage you're not in a place to comment then.
Just like I'm not in a place to comment about other families.
I'm committed to my own child. My SC also has 2 parents committed to them. SC don't always want a second 'mum' or 'dad'. They just want someone who is kind. That's what I offer and for us, that works.

@Stantons
I know, evil!
Yet she’s no shame in expecting me to rearrange work (DP &I run a business) to facilitate her child care. I just have nothing to do with them, it’s not worth the bother, the mother is unhinged.

@Burrit
I think it’s entirely different if there is shared kids as obviously they are related.

Pretty sure I didn't say anything about being a second mum or dad but carrying making shit up about what you thought I said.

[quote SBTLove]@Burrit
I think it’s entirely different if there is shared kids as obviously they are related.[/quote]
Possibly different in the sense that you would likely see them still due to the sibling bond.

But I still don't think having a shared child would make me love my SC like my own children.

I think its great if people can, but I don't see why it means you're terrible if you're unable. It's natural to love our own children more than others. It doesn't mean I'd lock them in the cellar or anything! I'm still perfectly nice and I'd definitely treat them all the same. But love? No.

This is enlightening and food for thought. My dad (widower) remarried when I was an adult. I never expected his wife to be a step parent to me, but when I had DC, she declared herself as grandma to them as much as she was to her own DC. I took her at her word and have since struggled with it not playing out that way. But perhaps this is just natural and I should adjust my expectations. She is just my dad's wife rather than my dc's grandmother.

@StarUtopia
Do you have step children? Guessing not? I don't either but no judgement from me.

I imagine if I did I'd love them and miss them but who knows?

@Schoolchoicesucks

This is enlightening and food for thought. My dad (widower) remarried when I was an adult. I never expected his wife to be a step parent to me, but when I had DC, she declared herself as grandma to them as much as she was to her own DC. I took her at her word and have since struggled with it not playing out that way. But perhaps this is just natural and I should adjust my expectations. She is just my dad's wife rather than my dc's grandmother.

Well evidently from this thread there are step parents who feel differently to me! So I don't think you're unreasonable to struggle with that if that's what you expected.

Sorry but if you would honestly be fine with never seeing them again I don't agree that you see them as a package deal. If you did, you'd have gone into the relationship wanting a relationship with them, surely?

I can't imagine how sharing your home with someone who doesn't care deeply about you can be good for any child, no matter how happy they seem. Home should be their safe space and there is a huge difference between being kind and being family (my friends parents were kind and welcoming... that doesn't mean I would have been OK living with them). In fact, I still wouldn't want to share my home with someone like that now, no matter how welcoming they were.

[quote IdblowJonSnow]@StarUtopia
Do you have step children? Guessing not? I don't either but no judgement from me.

I imagine if I did I'd love them and miss them but who knows?[/quote]
Yes I think of you'd asked me when I was younger, before all this I'd have probably said the same.

I'd have probably thought 'how could you live with and influence children for half of the week and not love them' but in reality when you're not really needed in any way, it's quite different.

You don't know how you'd step parent though, this is my point, because you've never done it 😂
It's like a childfree person trying to tell you how much better they'd parent than you.

This with fucking massive bells on

Part of the reason why stepmums get such a hard time is that so many people who've never been in that situation assume cause = effect and that if your DSC aren't nice or loving towards you or they don't want to stay in touch when they grow up then it must be because of something you have or haven't done. It's not enough that we're friendly and welcoming... oh no we're supposed to love them like our own (until it comes to decision making of course).

Funny how that logic never applies to any other kind of relationship. Your MIL hates you? MUST be your fault. Your sibling's not close to you? MUST be your fault. DP wants to separate? MUST be your fault.

It's bullshit pressure put on step parents which does nothing more than set them up to fail.

If you did, you'd have gone into the relationship wanting a relationship with them, surely?

You're assuming I don't have any relationship at all with them. I do, I have a positive one where we get along. I think anyone who sees someone for a large amount of time is going to have a relationship with that person in some way.

But my relationship with them exists because I'm married to their father, like my relationship with my friends children (an example other PPs have used) is based on the fact I'm friends with their parents.

We will have to agree to disagree on the package deal thing as I believe encouraging, facilitating and not coming between a relationship with their parent is definitely accepting the 'package'. I don't see why me being another parent figure has to come into it personally but I appreciate you feel differently.