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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

624 replies

FlippidyFlop · 23/10/2020 13:39

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlippidyFlop · 25/10/2020 20:05

So it wouldn't 'bother' me not to see him, but he would always be welcome .. in the same way an old friend would always be welcome, but we don't necessarily talk anymore IYKWIM

I get you. I feel much the same. It would bother me but I'd stay in touch if they wanted to.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlippidyFlop · 25/10/2020 20:06

Wouldn't *

OP posts:
Original poster
FlippidyFlop · 25/10/2020 20:07

@KylieKoKo

Also *@ReneeRol*

What does on par even mean in this case? Would mothers like their ex's partner to be on par with regards to decision making and disciplining? I highly doubt that it would go down well if most step mothers considered themselves on par.

I imagine it was supposed to mean something about mother's being better people than SMs or something like that 🤷 which is why it makes no sense considering most SMs here are also mothers.
OP posts:
DownThePlath · 25/10/2020 20:09

@ReneeRol

This thread should be mandatory reading every time someone tries to pretend that stepmothers are in any way on par with mothers. It just proves most women don't care in the slightest about their husbands children. Not surprising at all tbh.
What a twat
Nailgirl · 25/10/2020 20:21

15 years ago I left ex and my step children x2. They were 7 and 14 at the time and I was married to their father. I was primary care giver and they were left with me 24/7 whilst their mother lived with her new husband and my husband worked away from home. They were bloody hard work. Coupled with an abusive marriage and leaving under difficult circumstances the ‘love’ I thought was so deep and ingrained in being step mummy evaporated in the coming days and weeks. Honestly and as horrible as it sounds I wouldn’t want a relationship with either. I loved them out of guilt - feeling like no one else did. Knowing my own DC now the feeling is not and will never be the same

GlummyMcGlummerson · 25/10/2020 20:23

I think we should all take a collective moment to realise that MN is not real life, and that the expectations of stepmothers on MN are nothing short of comical. Step parents are expected to treat their SC the same, if not better, than their own life in every way - from the number and size of bedrooms to Christmas and birthday presents from your relatives and holiday invitations. even if those SC are only round EOW, are 17yo and are absolutely vile to you.

LyingDogsLie1 · 25/10/2020 20:27

I don’t think my step mother wickedness is halved with me also being a mother, rather I think it’s doubled Grin

TazMac · 25/10/2020 20:27

I think we should all take a collective moment to realise that MN is not real life, and that the expectations of stepmothers on MN are nothing short of comical. Step parents are expected to treat their SC the same, if not better, than their own life in every way - from the number and size of bedrooms to Christmas and birthday presents from your relatives and holiday invitations. even if those SC are only round EOW, are 17yo and are absolutely vile to you.

Well said but you forgot taking the SM’s salary into account for CMS.

Original poster
FlippidyFlop · 25/10/2020 20:29

And leaving our assets to SC equally to our own DC in our wills which I've seen on here before!

Did anyone see that thread where the mother had some compensation and spent most of it on a holiday for everyone, including her SC, and wanted to spend the small amount remaining on a girly day out with her DD? Some posters acted like she was awful for not splitting the small amount remaining between all children. Absolute madness.

OP posts:
GlummyMcGlummerson · 25/10/2020 20:29

Oh of course @TazMac Grin silly me!

GlummyMcGlummerson · 25/10/2020 20:35

@FlippidyFlop

And leaving our assets to SC equally to our own DC in our wills which I've seen on here before!

Did anyone see that thread where the mother had some compensation and spent most of it on a holiday for everyone, including her SC, and wanted to spend the small amount remaining on a girly day out with her DD? Some posters acted like she was awful for not splitting the small amount remaining between all children. Absolute madness.

It really is. 90% of comments on SM threads on here should be ignored. I've seen people actually suggest that the 2 resident girls should give up their rooms and bunk together so that the 2 step sons can have their own room - stepsons who live at the other end of the country and visit every other month for a weekend! Madness!
Giespeace · 25/10/2020 20:42

I don’t think my step mother wickedness is halved with me also being a mother, rather I think it’s doubled
I’m with you there! I think it’s to do with not wanting to invest too much time/energy in a relationship that is always going to be tenuous. I want to give the best of me to my DS, not allow the drama that surrounds DSD to suck it all away. So, wickedly, I have taken the decision to step back and leave them all to it in order to conserve my time/energy/emotional stamina for my actual child, who needs me in a way that DSD never will.

TazMac · 25/10/2020 20:45

Oh yes @GlummyMcGlummerson

Allocating accommodation to the SC that stays EOW, so 2/14 nights, usually goes something like this:

  • SC must have the biggest room (s)
  • Must always be bigger than the resident children’s room
  • RC must share the smallest room and leave bigger room (s) so that SC can have their own rooms
  • Said room(s) must be left empty for the other 12/14 nights, it definitely can’t be used as a spare room or office on the other 12 out of 14 nights
  • If there is no spare room then father and SM must move out of their room and live in lounge (even on the 12/14 nights the biggest room in the house is empty).

Did I miss anything?

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 25/10/2020 21:02

@TazMac

Grin
KylieKoKo · 25/10/2020 21:12

Also @TazMac

If I step child is being nasty to the step mother or her children they should be love bombed, which involves the entire household pandering to their every whim.

SBTLove · 25/10/2020 21:44

@TazMac
You’re spot on there. 🤣
There was a thread where the adult DD22ish, wanted to move back in with her dad and SM, house was small and it was suggested they buy a new house or build a garden cabin to accommodate her!!
Surely to feck nobody would seriously dot hear things.

GoodbyeToCare · 25/10/2020 22:08

My mum married my step father when I was 8 and My brother was born when I was 10.

My SF resented me from the beginning and very much saw me as a cuckoo in the nest. When mum and SF divorced when I was in my 20's I wondered if he'd keep in touch, especially as my children saw him as a grandfather.

He hasn't and he's not missed by any of us.

I have bumped into him a few times in the years since and he'll stop and say hello but that's it and to me that sums up our whole relationship.

KenDodd · 25/10/2020 22:23

Reading this thread I'm very glad I have a 'traditional' relationship, married, three kids together. I hope my kids will NEVER be anybody's step children and that I'll NEVER have step children myself. Much easier.

Has anyone mentioned wills yet?

SBTLove · 25/10/2020 22:49

@KenDodd
Why come on here to make such a smug comment? Who knows what the future holds eh?

Ibizafun · 25/10/2020 22:58

I wouldn’t expect my ex’s wife to love my children- why would she? I’d hope she would be fond of them, but love? They don’t need that, they have me for that. Having said they’ve never lived with her/them, so perhaps I’d feel differently if they did/had.

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 25/10/2020 23:06

@KenDodd Good for you. But seeing that the traditional nuclear family is on the decline and blended families are rapidly becoming the norm, your kids may (god forbid) find themselves in a position where they become step parents themselves in the future and consequently have to deal with all of these complicated issues you’ve read about. Then you can come back to this thread and hopefully add something a bit more useful than your previous comment.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 25/10/2020 23:29

Step parents are told time and again that if we want a relationship with someone who has kids then their DC come as part of the “package”. So by that logic if they’re all part of a package deal if I split with the parent then I should be able to split from their DC too without judgement. But funnily enough all of a sudden the package deal attitude is wrong. It’s in the same vein as other double standards such as love them like your own until it comes to wanting any rights to go with the responsibilities.

It’s all part of the pick and choose bullshit applied to step parents where our feelings are at the bottom of the pile by default. I prefer to treat people as individuals and if my DSC and I build a relationship together in our own right, great. I’d hope that would carry on after a separation. But I don’t think it’s uncaring or heartless to know you’ll not miss someone if they’re not the kind of person you’d click with in any other situation.

shamalidacdak · 25/10/2020 23:34

Bloody hell there's some real life wicked stepmothers on here! You shouldn't date or marry men with kids if you're going to be so indifferent to them. Just Goddamn.

SBTLove · 25/10/2020 23:36

@MyCatHatesEverybody
And time and again, MN shouts at any new partner/wife to step back and shut up, they have no say, they are NOT a parent but how dare we not love the little darlings.
Fuck sake, there’s no winning.

SBTLove · 25/10/2020 23:38

@shamalidacdak
Nobody wicked, just honest and any treated like shit by first wives and kids and
expected to take it with a smile.
RTFT about how some of us have been treated and you might rethink the wicked comment.