Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

[FlippidyFlop]

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

I posted on a topic regarding wills. Our house will be 50/50 spilt with my half going solely to our son and my partners hand being spilt 4 ways (to our bio son and his 3 children) this didn't go down very well with some members of his family but it makes total sense to me.
Pensions etc are also spilt this way as they have a mother however due to her not working and having 3 other children so 6 in total it's been said they will get drastically less then my son inheritance wise

My partner has a daughter. We have been together for over 15 years and in that time I have always been proactive in getting to know her. I have been kind and generous and supportive. She has guilt tripped him for years into paying for things he could not afford and now she has cold shouldered me preventing me from being a part of the relationship.
I won't go into too much detail for obvious reasons. I have been incredibly hurt and bewildered as to why she is like this, and now I just can't be bloody bothered anymore wasting emotion on someone so stupid and selfish with an agenda that hurts not just me but him also. So no I would not be bothered.

I’m with you there! I think it’s to do with not wanting to invest too much time/energy in a relationship that is always going to be tenuous. I want to give the best of me to my DS, not allow the drama that surrounds DSD to suck it all away. So, wickedly, I have taken the decision to step back and leave them all to it in order to conserve my time/energy/emotional stamina for my actual child, who needs me in a way that DSD never will.

Spot on. You’re doing the right thing stepping back and preserving your time and energy for your own child. It’s not wicked, it’s being a good parent.

I couldn’t achieve the above though if I stayed with my ex. I always knew that if I stayed with him I’d always have the drama in my life whether I stepped back or not. My young children need my time/energy/emotional stamina, but I always felt like I couldn’t give it to them properly because of all the drama that came with teenage dsc.

Reading this thread I'm very glad I have a 'traditional' relationship, married, three kids together. I hope my kids will NEVER be anybody's step children and that I'll NEVER have step children myself. Much easier.
Oh @KenDodd, may it always stay so for you. BUT - I had a lovely 'traditional' set up just like yours & to my friends & family I had an adoring husband - so adoring that he was eventually revealed as a serial cheater!
I appreciate not all men are like this but honestly - don't be smug. Marriages are some of the greatest breeding grounds for well kept secrets & there's many an apparently happy & 'traditional' man who suddenly ups stakes & walks out to be with someone!

Oo wicked stepmothers how original!!

How many balls have you refused to allow your SC to attend recently ladies?

Be right back, I need to go and consult my mirror about being the fairest of them all or some shit.

Things are a lot more complicated than fairy tales, no one is wicked, just human and dealing with different, sometimes difficult, situations.

@KenDodd seriously smug comment

It’s in the same vein as other double standards such as love them like your own until it comes to wanting any rights to go with the responsibilities.

Absolutely, on the same thread, I was told that not only should I be contributing to the CMS but I had no say in suggesting we change the custody / contact days.

@TazMac why does that not make perfect sense? I hear “first wife” is a profession of its own.

@Songbird232018

I posted on a topic regarding wills. Our house will be 50/50 spilt with my half going solely to our son and my partners hand being spilt 4 ways (to our bio son and his 3 children) this didn't go down very well with some members of his family but it makes total sense to me. Pensions etc are also spilt this way as they have a mother however due to her not working and having 3 other children so 6 in total it's been said they will get drastically less then my son inheritance wise

This makes perfect sense to me too! I don't understand why some people get so confused about this subject. It's very simple surely, each child is left an equal amount by their parent. If said parent has more children to split it between then that is just life unfortunately.

I hear “first wife” is a profession of its own.

With a final salary pension from whatever age the marriage / partnership ends?

@TazMac

It’s in the same vein as other double standards such as love them like your own until it comes to wanting any rights to go with the responsibilities.

Absolutely, on the same thread, I was told that not only should I be contributing to the CMS but I had no say in suggesting we change the custody / contact days.

Whilst you must contribute towards CMS, treat then better than your own, put them in your will etc you must NEVER NEVER EVER discipline them. Even if they call you a twat and punch you in the face. They are "not your children to discipline"

@KenDodd another one here who had a lovely traditional set up, until I didn’t. I hope your set up continues, but I suggest more humility, gratitude and less judgement towards others whose families are no longer ‘traditional.’ I didn’t have a choice really and all myself (and many others are doing), is trying to figure life and parenting out.

If you can’t be supportive, then I suggest staying silent.

I think (not a step parent, my children have one though) that step parents come in all different shapes.
My kids.. Step mother was childless and did everything to win them over, decorated rooms, spent time and money on them. My 4 year old came home saying she was his girlfriend...
And then when she had her own child.. She Isolates from mine because they go to school.. No relationship with them. Much confusion from my youngest.

My friend, best step parent. Never tried to hard but was there if needed. Still has relationships with her adult step children and grand children.

My stepchildren are all adults now and siblings to my DS ( we don’t say half) . I am in the middle of an acrimonious split with their father. They have all made it clear they want to stay in touch , which is nice . Soon to be ex’s daughter does not speak to him but keeps in contact with me and DS.

Absolutely no one here has said that they in any way treat their step children with the utmost respect and care yet still the wicked term is brandished about. So new children entire your life and you have to love them with all your heart, despite the fact that there may be many issues, arguments, turmoil and possible negative effects to your own children not to mention your mental health...you stay calm and patient and show nothing but kindness in return, but you are STILL wicked for feeling (feeling, not showing) indifference.

Sounds like more sexist bull to me.

*OTHER than with the utmost care

@whodofthunk it is sexist bull.

One of my step-mothers treated exactly like my aunts. If she saw me or even looked after me she treated me well, if she didn't she didn't weep and put her life on hold. This is exactly what most of the step-mothers on here are saying they are doing or have done.

And all children should get disciplined by an adult who does any childcare for them otherwise people are saying it is ok to allow a child to injure themselves and other people including vulnerable ones due to their poor behaviour in their presence. Also any step-mother who is told not to set any boundaries or allowed to discipline for any step-child in their care, should leave that relationship as the father is an arse.

@Itsallpointless
@sassbott

I'm not being smug or judgmental, I'm sorry if I appear that way. I know that even with the best will in the world, life happens. I'm just very glad that (so far) it hasn't happened to me. When I was young, i wouldn't date a man who had children. I knew that, if he was any sort of decent man, his children would always come before me and that his attention/time/money would always be split between his older children and any that we might have. I didn't want that. If I split with my husband, or he dies, I'm going to stick with my 'no children' dating, at least until my children are adults. I admit though, it's easy to say but I was never tested on it by falling for a man with children.

One thing this thread has opened my eyes to though is that I was definitely naive in thinking all children in a family would/should be treated equally and that step parents would love step children as their own.

Bloody hell there's some real life wicked stepmothers on here! You shouldn't date or marry men with kids if you're going to be so indifferent to them. Just Goddamn.

A. Love isn't that simple. Why don't I get to be with the man I love just because he had a child already?
B. You don't always know how you're going to bond/feel about the children until you're already invested in the relationship.
C. Many sc don't want a 2nd mother giving love and affection. Especially eow and less kids. They want to spend time with their dad. Some kids actively reject the sm affection.
D. I don't think anyone has said they are mean or horrible to their sm. Just that they don't love them and woulndt miss them if they were gone. Much like any other child that's not your blood relative that's part of you're life. I don't love and wouldn't miss my dh neices and nephews either nor my non blood aunts and uncles.

For what it's worth, @KenDodd, I didn't read your post that way. Very hard sometimes without tone of voice on the page, so am sure your clarification will be appreciated!

I know exactly what you mean. As a mother, I would feel just as you do. As a SM, I've learnt the complexities and dynamics are never that simple. No one wishes their SC ill but there is such a huge spectrum of potential relationships before one gets to 'love them like my own'.

It's not always about a Disney Dad or nasty ex, either. I know I would feel very different (more attached) if my DSC lived here full time or if I had been in their lives since they were toddlers.

I was definitely naive in thinking all children in a family would/should be treated equally
I think it’s fair to say that most people, SMs included, would say it’s fair for children to be treated equally by their parents. The trouble is when step parents are expected to do the same -then some children are treated more equally than others.
Example. I have £50 per month to save for my son. Some, on this thread and others, would have me give him £25 and the other £25 for DSD. I know her mum saves for her. Say it’s another £50 to spare. So now my son has £25 and DSD has £75 in total, in the name of being equal!
Nah, I think I’ll save my £50 for my son, and what DH does about his two children is up to him. Currently they get an equal share of £0 each from him, but he is now in a position to change that, is looking into options and will be treating his children equally, as he should.

@KenDodd

1. I didn’t date a man with children when I was younger either. Because I didn’t have them. I dated a man with children when I too found myself single with children.
2. good for you deciding (despite not being in that position) to not date until your children are adults. It’s very easy to say what you will/ won’t do until you’re in that situation. But fair play on you for having that adult and forward looking view.
3. I have absolutely zero issue with my partners time, money and attention going to his children first. It’s as it should be. I also don’t recollect any poster on here saying that they resent any of those things either. I believe I have now written multiple times that it’s because of him needing to do what he’s doing (for his Children) that my relationship with him is on its last legs. Nothing to do with me and everything to do with the exwife not wanting me near her children. I’m having to be the grown up and make the decisions that are best for everyone. As opposed to thrusting my needs front an center and causing even more chaos and drama.

You know, when I met my partner. I met his family long before I met his children. His mother is a lovely (blunt) woman. And after a few drinks she confided in me that she found spending time with his children intensely hard. She found bonding with them hard. And she would come away exhausted. In her words ‘she had never come across children so closed, guarded and hard work.’ At the time the exwife was sadly fighting all contact and the child at one point told her ‘my mummy says you’re not a nice person.’

Let me make it clear, that’s the children’s paternal grandmother (who adores her other grandchildren saying that). To this day, that woman does her absolute best but she still finds being around the children intensely hard work. Why? Because they are. My partners siblings find it equally exhausting. But they stay silent and do their absolute best to help my partner.

These issues are wider than simply SM’s. When children are not given full permission to enjoy their time with their father the ramifications to the wider families are immense. Yet somehow. SM’s get it in the neck for children not being treated ‘equally.’

As someone not in this situation or having lived it, why are you even commenting on this board?
It’s like someone who has never had a baby commenting on breastfeeding boards/ postnatal depression threads. Could you imagine a scenario where someone comes along and says ‘well I haven’t had a baby but if I did I would only breastfeed them.’

These are intensely complex emotionally charged situations a lot of times. And actually trying to make everyone ‘equal’ is not the answer. As professionals who work in this field will tell anyone who cares to actually listen.

Sounds like more sexist bull to me.

Absolutely a man is viewed as a hero for taking another mans child on.

One thing this thread has opened my eyes to though is that I was definitely naive in thinking all children in a family would/should be treated equally and that step parents would love step children as their own.

You were only naive on the topic of love. Otherwise you’re still naive - often first children are treated better and prioritised. My son is bottom of the list for childcare and attention from his paternal grandparents. Each household is so conscious that he isn’t left out that he spoilt totally rotten by everyone around him.

One thing this thread has opened my eyes to though is that I was definitely naive in thinking all children in a family would/should be treated equally and that step parents would love step children as their own

I think it's probably a common misconception when you've not experienced it first hand.

There are situations where fair treatment is right and situations where completely equal treatment is wrong. You have to make a judgement. For example with wills, it's not fair imo that any inheritance from me should be split between my child and my SC as they have two parents to inherit from themselves. However, day to day treatment in the home when we are all together is fair.

The loving as your own is definitely a misconception in most cases I believe. I think most people who've never been a step parent don't appreciate what a big ask that is of another person. I could never love my husband's child like my own, if circumstances were different perhaps, but not in our set up.

People will falsely compare it to adoption and say 'you don't have to be biologically related' but it's not about that to me. My step children have a mother, I have never been needed in that way by them and as such, that maternal bond and instinct is not there in the same way it would be with an adopted child. An adopted child is still your child who you have parental responsibility for. Step children are not, especially when they have two involved parents.

It is not the same as your own children the majority of the time imo. And I think most step parents don't love them like their own if they were being honest (again, certain circumstances aside).

I think it depends on the age they are when you enter their life too and whether you ever formed a relationship.

SS was 30 when I met him, was and is still living with his mother 6 years later. He has very difficult behaviours which mean he is under the care of a psychiatrist. We have never shared a home. He has told others, never me, that he doesnt' like me (because he wants his parents to get back together, even though they are both in relationships). In any case, he only ever contacts his father when he needs help with the police or bailiffs.

Difficult to get attached in the circumstances so no, it wouldn't bother me