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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

624 replies

FlippidyFlop · 23/10/2020 13:39

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

OP posts:
sassbott · 25/10/2020 17:53

I don’t think the OP has at anytime dismissed anyone else’s experiences or feelings.

The only distinction the OP made (that I think is correct) is that these situations/ feelings can also occur when the tensions posters like me are talking about do not exist.

Original poster
FlippidyFlop · 25/10/2020 17:54

@sassbott

I don’t think the OP has at anytime dismissed anyone else’s experiences or feelings.

The only distinction the OP made (that I think is correct) is that these situations/ feelings can also occur when the tensions posters like me are talking about do not exist.

Thanks, that was exactly what I was trying to say.
OP posts:
BilboBercow · 25/10/2020 18:07

This makes me sad. I hope my lovely step mum doesn't feel this way about me and I hope if DD does end up with a SM, it's one who loves her.

Helpimfalling · 25/10/2020 18:11

@VanGoghsDog

Split with ex four years ago, having been with him seven years. I see my ex dss twice a year (his birthday and Christmas) and I keep in touch and send him weekly pocket money. He's 19.

I can't see me ever not being in touch with him. He's a beneficiary in my will too.

Not really in touch with the ex though.

So, yes.

I love this so much I really do
Helpimfalling · 25/10/2020 18:19

@Milkshake7489

I agree with FuckedyFuck, this is incredibly sad to read as someone who had a step parent.

There is a million miles between loving a child as much as your own and not caring if you ever see them again!

Honestly, I judge your partners for being with you if you are this disinterested in your step children.

Luckily for me, my parents only entertained relationships that saw us as a package deal.

Children shouldn't have to share their home (which their parents house should be, even if they only visit EOW) with someone who is polite but doesn't see them as family... they didn't ask for their parents to break up.

But thanks all, you've reminded me of how lucky I am. I'm going to go ring my mum to thank her for staying single rather than move in a man who only tolerated us.

Then I'm going to call my stepmum to thank her for making sure we felt secure and loved as children (something she still does now).

This this this
joeysapple · 25/10/2020 18:30

This is so sad Sad When I split up with DP last year (He is not DS' dad but had been in his life for a long time), DP came over still to come and see DS, take him out, still games with him online etc. I know 100% he loves him like his own.

Perhaps it is harder to forge a close bond being the non-resident step parent.

Itsallpointless · 25/10/2020 18:37
  • incredibly sad to read as someone who had a step parent.

There is a million miles between loving a child as much as your own and not caring if you ever see them again!

Honestly, I judge your partners for being with you if you are this disinterested in your step children.

Luckily for me, my parents only entertained relationships that saw us as a package deal.

Children shouldn't have to share their home (which their parents house should be, even if they only visit EOW) with someone who is polite but doesn't see them as family... they didn't ask for their parents to break up.

But thanks all, you've reminded me of how lucky I am. I'm going to go ring my mum to thank her for staying single rather than move in a man who only tolerated us.

Then I'm going to call my stepmum to thank her for making sure we felt secure and loved as children (something she still does now)

Don't think I ever made my SC feel insecure, or 'tolerated', they were certainly treated like part of the family, they were definitely part of the 'package' as were mine with him, but it works both ways, they have to want it too. When you split with their bio parent, they sometimes consciously or subconsciously make a choice of which the SP has no control over. This doesn't happen in bio families.

And btw, my DC don't keep in touch with their 'SF' because they weren't keen on him, NOT because he didn't tolerate them, or because they weren't part of his package/family.

MeridianB · 25/10/2020 18:38

Perhaps it is harder to forge a close bond being the non-resident step parent.

Yes, I think this is very pertinent here.

Nancydowns · 25/10/2020 18:46

Perhaps it is harder to forge a close bond being the non-resident step parent.

This is definitely true. For most men, they take on a woman with kids they take on a family unit. They live with the kids, they are there for all of the child raising.

For most step mums, it's eow. If there is some distance between the two houses, it could mean pretty much just Saturday spent with the kid/s as friday and Sunday are mostly spent travelling. Many step mums leave the dad too it and take the oppertunity to do their own thing during that Saturday.

You're not exactly going to form a family bond with that little time spent together. It's very different to living with a child.

Not all step mums get involved with a man with kid/s desperate to play mummy to those kids. My partner had a child from a previous relationship. I had no desire to be a mother to him, I wanted to be with dh and could accept that he had a son that we would see eow for the foreseeable future. Ss was there to see his dad and I wasn't going to get in the way of that and try and make it all about me. So we never bonded and I think we're both OK with that. He doesn't need another mum or someone taking him away from the little time he does have with his dad.

RamsayBoltonsConscience · 25/10/2020 18:59

Exdp and I split when my SC were 19 and 15, we had been together for 9 years and eldest SC had lived with us for about a year or so when she was 13. I worked hard to stay in touch with them because they were DS's half sisters and I felt like he needed them in his life. Probably without DS, it would never have seen them again but now 15 years on, we all have a pretty good relationship with each other. We don't see loads of them birthdays and Xmas mostly.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 25/10/2020 19:05

I met my ex husband when Ds1 was 2, and we were together for ten years. Initially when we separated he saw Ds1 at the same time as ds2, but over time it dwindled.. he already had his own dad to visit and the bond just wasn’t there any more (I mean it’s complex but that’s the simple version). I think step parents need to find a balance that is welcoming but not over involved. Neither extreme is necessarily helpful.

TazMac · 25/10/2020 19:22

My DP has a child with his ex (my DSD). His ex also has an older child to another man (DSD’s half brother). DP was this little boy’s (at the time, he’s mid teens now) step father and was really involved, taking him to the football, playing sport with him, so they spent a lot of time together independent of DPs daughter and ex. When DP and his ex split (because she had an affair), his ex said that DP couldn’t see her son anymore, unless he paid child maintenance for him, as well as for his daughter.

ReneeRol · 25/10/2020 19:37

This thread should be mandatory reading every time someone tries to pretend that stepmothers are in any way on par with mothers. It just proves most women don't care in the slightest about their husbands children. Not surprising at all tbh.

sassbott · 25/10/2020 19:42

Renee. That’s a thoroughly nasty comment.

I am more than on par with the mother of my DP’s children. In fact, she’s nothing next to me.
Any woman who interferes with her children bonding with another woman as a result of her own deep seated insecurities is no worthwhile mother. That’s a mother who is actively damaging her own children.

And the fact that I have not moved in with my partner and have in fact taken a huge step back to allow his children to get what they need? Again, I in far exceed their own mother.

I don’t put my needs ahead of my partners children. Maybe some of the smug mothers posting on this board should think about that.

TazMac · 25/10/2020 19:44

This thread should be mandatory reading every time someone tries to pretend that stepmothers are in any way on par with mothers. It just proves most women don't care in the slightest about their husbands children. Not surprising at all tbh.

It’s usually because of the mother’s relationship with her ex and SM though. Read through the threads on mumsnet and mothers are absolutely adamant that SM’s should have very little involvement with their DSDs. Until it comes to money of course and a lot think that the SM’s salary should be taken into account for child maintenance and the SM should be contributing financially towards their DSDs.

OhCaptain · 25/10/2020 19:48

@ReneeRol

This thread should be mandatory reading every time someone tries to pretend that stepmothers are in any way on par with mothers. It just proves most women don't care in the slightest about their husbands children. Not surprising at all tbh.
Nah, it doesn’t.

But don’t let truth get in the way of your projection. Wink

SBTLove · 25/10/2020 19:52

@BilboBercow
Hoping your DD has SM who loves her, if that situation occurs is a wee bit naive.
Nobody will love your child like you, be kind, inclusive, supportive but you can’t just love a child because they are your partners child.
The main thing that hampers a good relationship is the mother, the majority who make everything as difficult as possible.

Original poster
FlippidyFlop · 25/10/2020 19:56

@ReneeRol

This thread should be mandatory reading every time someone tries to pretend that stepmothers are in any way on par with mothers. It just proves most women don't care in the slightest about their husbands children. Not surprising at all tbh.
What do you mean by 'on par with mothers'?

I don't pretend to be 'on par' with my husband's ex when it comes to her children? What do you mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
FlippidyFlop · 25/10/2020 19:57

I mean I understand it was intended to be some kind of insult but I'm just not sure what you were going for.

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 25/10/2020 20:00

I wouldn't be bothered not seeing DSS again, but then again I came into his life when he was 15, so way past the stage where he's cute and cuddly and willing to please Daddy's new friend. We get on, he lives with us as DP has full custody, I help him with whatever he needs, offer advice etc - but I don't 'love' him, and I'm not his mum.

If it bothered him, however, that he was no longer seeing me, he would absolutely always be welcome, I'd happily have him round to mine for tea, or take him out, or go on a day out somewhere. I'd make it clear to him that he could stay in touch if he wanted, and that I was always there, but given the fact he's so very nearly an adult, I doubt he would need me, and though we get on, we get on because we both live here, and I don't think it would extend to keeping in touch purposefully with effort when we live apart ..

.. if any of that makes sense!!

So it wouldn't 'bother' me not to see him, but he would always be welcome .. in the same way an old friend would always be welcome, but we don't necessarily talk anymore IYKWIM.

KylieKoKo · 25/10/2020 20:01

@ReneeRol

This thread should be mandatory reading every time someone tries to pretend that stepmothers are in any way on par with mothers. It just proves most women don't care in the slightest about their husbands children. Not surprising at all tbh.
@reneerol

I agree. Perhaps then mothers can see the damage that being jealous of the bond a child makes with partners off their dad and constantly telling step mums to back off can do.

I know that the good relationship I have with my step children is largely down to the fact that their mother hasn't made them feel guilty for liking me.

Original poster
FlippidyFlop · 25/10/2020 20:03

It's an odd insult really because 'mothers' is a huge range of people. Half the SMs posting on here are also 'mothers' themselves, in fact who's to say my SCs mother doesn't also feel this way about her partner's children? As far as I know from our brief conversations about it, she has it quite difficult with her partner's ex. She very well could feel this way about her SC for all I know.

Did you mean to say first wives by any chance?

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 25/10/2020 20:04

Also @ReneeRol

What does on par even mean in this case? Would mothers like their ex's partner to be on par with regards to decision making and disciplining? I highly doubt that it would go down well if most step mothers considered themselves on par.

KylieKoKo · 25/10/2020 20:05

Good point @FlippidyFlop

If a step mother is also a mother is her wickedness halved?

refusetobeasheep · 25/10/2020 20:05

Wow surprised by this. my friend was a SM to two boys from when they were 4 and 6, and split with their dad when they were 20 and 22. They visit her more than their dad, they both came to her wedding to her now husband(involved literally flying from the other side of the world for one).