To not give my kids over 50/50

[FullTimeMummy1983]

Hi, name changed for this but regular on aibu etc. Dont know if this is the right place but will get moved if need too.
Me and exH separated 6 years ago, 4 kids 7-13. Since Corona and all that theyve been having 50 50 time with there dad and me, which was fine, I have a new partner etc. The kids started being upset when they came back here crying and stuff saying they wanted to stay at there dads more. So he spoke to me and said it was in the kids best interests moving forward to stick with 50/50. Before this it was about 40/50 with me.
Anyway so then he says he wont be paying me CMS anymore because of this and will go through CMS cos we'd just been doing it between ourselves until now. I didnt know that he shouldn't pay me anything if 50 50 is this true? I would really struggle without that money and he said I could think about getting a job, I've not worked since before DD13 was born, but i don't see how thats his business and i have some inheritance.
Then the kids have come back to mine and said they want 50 50 but I've told them that would be a bigger gap not seeing there dad cos 2 weeks straight. One of them said its cos he has an xbox at his dads which i just think is the real reason so ive bought him an xbox now for here. I dont want to not be available for my kids cos who would have them if there ill etc. We've gone back to 40/50 now and my ex is saying he'll go though mediation cos thats what the kids want??
Can my ex not pay if its 50 50?

Yes, since a certain point in time last night. Although the OPs have disappeared

I havent disappeared the kids have just been dropped of by there dad and hes text me saying theyve told him theyve been going on climbing frames in the park and been going in my sisters house so hes now saying im putting them at risk so dealing with that and the youngest one was crying again being dropped of here and hes got one of them still cos they didnt want to come back. I didnt work when we were together so dont see just cos we've split why that has to change. He chose to divorce not me

I think it’s very clear here that the only financially motivated party here is the OP, whose entire reason for wanting to deny 50-50 (which the kids want) is that she’ll need to get a job. And who doesn’t think it’s fair that her ex’s wife isn’t obliged to support her financially. It’s an OP who just doesn’t want to work and thinks it’s everyone else’s job to pay for her.

Seriously, you’d hope that people like this didn’t exist. Sadly they do (obviously they’re a minority though).

If you’re like you are on this thread in real life, @FullTimeMummy1983, I can see why he’d want to divorce you.

You’ve been taking the kids to play in (clearly closed) play parks and to visit your sister? I think your ex has a very good point. I’d be unhappy about leaving the kids in your care in the current circumstances too.

If you don't change now you will lose everything.
If you won't do it for your children.
Do it because you will have to pay him maintenance....

OP why do you call yourself FullTimeMummy when you're not?

Oh my. It just gets better

@AskingforaBaskin I suspect you’ve found the only real motivating factor here. Stepping up simply because you don’t want to pay maintenance is a pathetic motivation (whatever the sex of a parent).

It’s telling that one child has outright refused to go to their mum’s at this point. And another has gone but is clearly very unhappy about it. And still all the OP cares about is not getting a job.

He's right they shouldn't have been on climbing frames or in anyone else's house.

Your life has to change as you're no longer with him which means you're not entitled to his money except maintenance, which he has been paying. If you want to rely on some one else's money you need to find a partner willing to support you all.

Why can't you get a job to ease your financial concern?

You can't expect to live off your ex husband forever surely? He's been paying you maintenance although you have them 50/50? he clearly things you're a scrounger and pays you to shut you up and not cause issues for him

He chose to divorce not me

You don’t say

What were his reasons?

Do you want him to pay for his decision forever?

Bit of a blood bath this one!

I’ll bite op.

Don’t forget that if you only have them 50% of the time some of your outgoings will drop slightly. So food for 5 people may cost you £60 -£80 per week, but food for just you for the week may only end up being £20 for the week, same goes for things like your gas and electric, when the kids are at their dads you will probably find the cost of this goes down slightly, if your on a water meter again this should in theory drop slightly. Showers/baths for 5 people will be significantly more than you having a shower during the week. You need to take a proper look at your finances and get a grip on what you can cut back on.

If the kids do clubs etc arrange for him to pay for when he has the kids and you pay for the days when the kids are at yours (again drops your expenses slightly). If you don’t already arrange for him to pay half for school uniform, so he pays for the shoes and school bags, you buy the trousers and tops etc.

If you haven’t worked for 13/14 years it WILL be hard getting back into the work force so you will probably end up with something very much entry level, but the longer you leave it the harder it will be. If the oldest is 13 then your ex won’t be liable to pay you anything for them in 5 years so your money will drop whatever you do. You can’t expect him to keep on paying for your lifestyle.

If you can’t afford to loose 250 per month then don’t buy your kids an Xbox to score points against your ex, and throwing out comments like you can keep them 100% because I don’t get money for them is an awful thing to say, all those kids will understand is that they are some form of financial transaction. I think if you work less than 16 hrs a week your benefits wouldn’t be affected. You could look for something like waitressing work on zero contracts and say you’d be available to work any hours week 1, but week 2 you can only work school times. It’s not ideal but could help you in the long run. If your ex lost his job tomorrow you would get fuck all.

You comment about the kids going for 2 weeks away from their dad is daft, most kids would do 1 week at yours then 1 week at their dads.

Op you aren't with your ex so regardless if he decided to end the marriage etc, you can't decide that your life should be just as it was before.

Did you have a mortgaged house when you were with your ex? Did you get anything in the divorce? Obviously with not working for those years raising kids you have been unable to work yourself which has put you at a disadvantage now.

Looking to the future op, if you are getting benefits now because the children are young, you do realise that eventually the benefits will stop. When they finish college I think. When each turns 18 maybe. So you need to get a job. You won't be able to support yourself otherwise. Ok you don't have any experience, but there are still options for you. You can even do training courses supported by the government that could help you. Simple fact is, your ex is not responsible for funding you. You now have to take responsibility for yourself and sort your future out.

I didnt work when we were together so dont see just cos we've split why that has to change. He chose to divorce not me

You are not his responsibility any more. His only responsibly is to the children which is he obviously upholding.

So you've got a 7 year old who's actually 5, but you split up 6 years ago. Righto

Wtf. What. The. Fuck.

You are outrageous OP. Get a job like a Normal functioning human being.

What do you propose to live on when your children reach 18 and you no longer receive child benefit or maintenance?

OP, I feel for you because after 13+ years the prospect of returning to work must be horrifying. I was nervous after a year out on maternity leave.

But seriously, you need to read back through your posts and try and see how you are painting yourself. It's not in a positive light.

if you were one of my friends I'd be telling you to get yourself on Google and look at creating a CV, applying for jobs online and going down the job centre at the first opportunity.

Your ex has no responsibility to you, only the children, his new partner, like yours has no responsibility for your children, so only you and ex should be funding them. If your youngest is 5 they would have started school or at least been at pre school before lockdown. What did you do when they were all out of the house?

Also, please don't go down the route of buying the children off, it will end badly all round.

So do you ever plan on getting a job? What are you going to do when the kids are all old enough to get themselves to and from school, what will be your excuse?

We had a mortgage but he didnt take anything from that cos it's the kids home so now its just in my name. Im not point scoring by buying him an xbox it was something he said he had at dads so I got him one here.

@LunchBoxPolice they wont be able to get themselves to and from school cos its two villages away so i will always have to take them and drop them off

Is it paid off op or is he still paying the mortgage?

We had a mortgage but he didnt take anything from that cos it's the kids home so now its just in my name

So he walked away with nothing? And you STILL think he owes you something?

Why?

Op, as you got the house you have already got a good deal. Most of the time it would be split 50/50. So appreciate that you have already done well out of this.

You do need to start taking responsibility for yourself now though. Being out of work for many years is not a valid excuse. Even if your ex paid until you kids had all turned 18, you would still need to find a solution to support yourself eventually. Also not contributing to tax and ni means that you wouldn't get much pension when you retire. Is that what you want for your life? To alway be poor and just getting by?

You can't have a mortgage in your name if you've got no income.