To not give my kids over 50/50

[FullTimeMummy1983]

Hi, name changed for this but regular on aibu etc. Dont know if this is the right place but will get moved if need too.
Me and exH separated 6 years ago, 4 kids 7-13. Since Corona and all that theyve been having 50 50 time with there dad and me, which was fine, I have a new partner etc. The kids started being upset when they came back here crying and stuff saying they wanted to stay at there dads more. So he spoke to me and said it was in the kids best interests moving forward to stick with 50/50. Before this it was about 40/50 with me.
Anyway so then he says he wont be paying me CMS anymore because of this and will go through CMS cos we'd just been doing it between ourselves until now. I didnt know that he shouldn't pay me anything if 50 50 is this true? I would really struggle without that money and he said I could think about getting a job, I've not worked since before DD13 was born, but i don't see how thats his business and i have some inheritance.
Then the kids have come back to mine and said they want 50 50 but I've told them that would be a bigger gap not seeing there dad cos 2 weeks straight. One of them said its cos he has an xbox at his dads which i just think is the real reason so ive bought him an xbox now for here. I dont want to not be available for my kids cos who would have them if there ill etc. We've gone back to 40/50 now and my ex is saying he'll go though mediation cos thats what the kids want??
Can my ex not pay if its 50 50?

Ive already said i can't get a job as i told my ex it doesn't work for the kids. I wouldn't even know how to get one (have asked him to help)
You should be doing what is right for the children not what gives you the most money.
50/50 sounds like it is best for the kids and you can get a job. It is not your exs responsibility to help you get work.

MN generally doesn’t “support” BS like this, as you’d know as a regular poster, so you’ll just have to take your medicine as it comes OP.

It’s not your ex’s job to wipe your arse for you and help you get a job. There are services on job sites which will write your CVs and cover letters for you. Sign up with an employment agency and do flexible temping and see where it leads you. You might develop some self respect.

It’s not anyones job to provide for your children other than the two people who made them. If you wouldn’t be happy for your ex’s DW to take over your full role and title as “mother” you have zero right to expect her to take on the financial burden that’s rightfully yours.

If you harm or obstruct your children’s relationship with their father it’s going to cost you a lot more than money.

Try to engage your rational brain.

You need to substitute the drop in income if you cannot afford it by trying find employment.

Good lord.

Unfortunately women like this do exist. My db had a habit of getting with women who had no kids and zero desire to work. There would literally sit on their arse and he would go to work full time and support them. He should have been out enjoying himself especially as he didnt have dc but he didnt have the spare money. Finally he met someone who had some work ethic and he regularly enjoys nights out holidays etc something he couldn't do before. Theres no excuse not work you're just work shy, people weren't being rude asking if you had a learning disability it could have been a genuine reason why it would make it harder to obtain employment. Surely you want to set an example for your dc that you go out to work and support you're dc, they won't be you're meal ticket forever op having dc isnt an excuse not to work.

So you wont give your ex 50 50 because you'll be down money, even though it's what the kids want.

You expect another woman to be financially responsible for your kids, even though you wont get a job to do the same.

And if you were to get a job, you would give your ex the kids full time.

Frankly I think the definition is that the OP stated that if he pushed her to get a job he may as well have them fulltime.

Let's put it this way , it will be a cold day in hell before I walk away from my DC, ever or give up my custody time willingly. You would have to drag me kicking and screaming and hanging onto door frames. Because guess what, I love my DC and want to be around them.

But hey op , be asked to get a job , threaten to give up your DC to another household. That's true parenting right there .

I was actually sympathetic until then , fear of going back into the workforce must be terrifying , fear of loss of money , again terrifying. Then you said that......

OP, reverse means that you're pretending to be the other side (as in, you're actually the husband, or perhaps the step-mom, posing as yourself). People tend to do this when they want some sort of objective opinion--but it's often quite annoying, as it tends to be a kind of strawman.

Anyway, assuming you're being genuine, perhaps you can mull over these questions:

--What kinds of jobs would suit in terms of distance/hours/etc.
--What are you qualified to do right now?
--What would you do if you could do anything?
--How can you gain the experience/qualifications for a job that you could stand?
--How about for a job you would love?

Again, there are ways forward, but I do think that employment is going to have to be part of it. If nothing else, it will set you up well for things changing as your children age.

People are being very unfair to the op.
I think she has been a frog in the hot water for the last decade. And now is in the situation where transitioning back to the workforce will be difficult for her and the dc.

Having been a working mother from when my dc were 1 year a olds I have to say working was the best contraceptive for our family as getting the dc ready and juggling work schedules became so much harder when we had the 2nd dc, that the idea of a 3rd child is terrifying so we stopped at 2 dc.

Op has 4 dc and I can well imagine how overwhelming it must feel to become a jobseeker and then a working mum all of a sudden.

And yes I do think her ex should help her transition.

Maybe for a few months he could take on the children for the majority of the time and the op could have them every second weekend and then once the op is more confident and stable in her job and able to coordinate school runs and childcare the op could translation back to 50 50.

And that is if op can find a job in the current economic situation.

OP depending where you live, jobs are available even to peopl with no experience. Round here the supermarkets are crying out for workers. You can ask for shifts that work for you.

However you sound as though you care more about money than you do about your children.

The maintenance issue comes down to who claims child benefit for the children, it is always the parent who receives CB who receives maintenance. If he has the kids 50/50 then he could apply for child benefit and they would have to decide who to pay it to.

Maintenance would be worked out on income, then there is a deduction of 1/7 for every night they stay with NRP so if he has them 50% of the time he would pay half.

I don't understand why he would need to take them if you get a job, surely you want to have your kids at least half of the time no matter what else is happening in your life.

If you are on Universal Credit do you not have to do jobsearch anyway?

If you separated 6 years ago and the youngest is 5 do they have a different dad?

You say you don't have a CV. Why is that a good excuse not to have found work? A lot of places don't even request a CV and you apply on their website. For the ones that do, knock up a CV on word, there are guides online how to create one. The job centre can also help you. But I'm guessing you won't do that.
Yes this is a place of support, but sometimes support means in order to help you, you need to be told some things that you don't want to hear.

If you wanted a job you would have managed to get one. You can't expect your exes wife to fund your lifestyle. They aren't her children and are not her responsibility. If you really wanted to make some changes here, this is what I suggest.

1. Allow your children the 50/50 time with their father. This isn't your call, its theirs. They are old enough to decide what they want and have just as much right to time with him as they do with you.
2. Go to the job centre, apply for jobs online. Basically try to get a job and stop using excuses as to why you can't. Its evident by your posts that you haven't even tried. So start with that.

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but supporting others isn't just by agreeing with you and telling you that your right and "how dare he want 50/50".
The best support I've ever had is someone telling me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.

For those of you saying made up this is what my dh ex wife was like.

Op if you send them to live FT with him he will be able to claim all benefits AND request child maintenance from you.

You are obviously in a tizz about money. The move to 50/50 probably is financially motivated by him.

His wife's money is not taken into account.
You are unlikely to get anything if it moves to 50/50.
Is there a reason you can't get a job? Is it confidence because it's been so long?

@Infinitesheldon and our current ex wife. The minute I arrived she told him she was asking the CSA for an assessment based on our joint income.

She still tells the children to this day that "we"
Don't give them enough

Dear God.
What did you do when you left school?

The move to 50/50 probably is financially motivated by him.

Come on, even OP says it’s what the children have asked for.

He’s been having them 50% of the time throughout lockdown and hasn’t tried to reduce what he gives her while it’s costing him and his wife more to have them.

Don’t make things up.

You're a cheeky fucker, there is no way I would hand over any of my wage to my DHs ex, she too has basically never worked in her entire life whereas I've busted my arse to get where I am. However I do buy DSC as much as I buy my own DC, she has the same quality of life here has my own do, because frankly, I adore her.

My ex has been furloughed and he now has our DC 50/50, rather than EOW (his jobs hours are horrendous or he would see them more often), we discussed child maintenance and he insisted on keeping it at the same level. I would NEVER expect his partners wage to be taken into account (hes single currently), that is beyond grabby.

For those of you saying made up this is what my dh ex wife was like.

It’s just so hard to believe someone could actually commit all this nonsense to type on a public forum and not realise how much of a Cheeky bastard they are coming across as I think

It’s just so hard to believe someone could actually commit all this nonsense to type on a public forum and not realise how much of a Cheeky bastard they are coming across as I think

Some people honestly think this is normal. Dps ex was brought up this way. Her mother never worked when she was younger she's been married something like 4 times and taken whatever she could get from each one so it's hardly surprising her daughter didn't want to work or didn't think she had to! Her siblings have never worked either. Though she was forced into getting a job when it was either that or she lost her house.

50/50 would allow you to hunt down a job with flexible shifts. You could work the 50% of time the children are with their father.
You need to accept the fact you are going to have to work sooner or later. Your children will grow up, you will be expected to work. The longer you are unemployed, the harder you will find it to get back into work. It's honestly in your best interests to start now rather than wait.

"The move to 50/50 probably is financially motivated by him." Doesn't look like this at all from where I'm standing.

The Op herself has said the kids want to see him more and that if she's forced to get a job then he can have them full time! She'd give her kids away 100% of the time rather than do what everyone else does and juggle work and home life.

This has got to be a wind up? OP thinks her ex should pay CM despite a proposed 50/50 split. OP thinks her exH wife should contribute to her CM. OP is happy to sit at home and not get a job while exH and his DW pay her to do it.

No one can be that entitled?

FFS, every other thread at the moment is a name changing, froth inducing goadfest! 🙄