Why did we look at the phone!

[Songbird232018]

I just need a vent...so my partner has just found text messages on my SDs (15) phone between her and her mother basically slagging me off and being quite nasty.

Both have had equal input it's not the mother forcing the daughter into her opinion from what I can read...which would probably make this easier if it were. I feel so angry I just want to throw all the xmas presents I have got for her in the bin and take a huge step back out her life.

I know I need to try and be a little more rational. I just feel a bloody mug right now!!

Shes not certain we have seen these but I think she has an inclination due to my change in attitude! Help!

I think you need to be the adult and let it go.
She's 15, you scooped on her private conversation with her mother, and if you bring it up with her that will just teach her that she cant have privacy at your house, it wont stop her thinking badly of you.
I'm not sure how long you've been her stepmum for, but it took me a while to come around to my stepdad- and now I'm closer to him than I am to my real dad.
At the end of the day shes a teenager acting like a teenager, I think you and your DP need to take the high road and not snoop on her conversations with her mother any more.

@Chucklecheeks1 - referring to your comment, 'we're all aware' what are you now, a mind reader? If I'd meant that I'd have said it. Clearly your step situation

As I quite clearly said, my post was aimed at those women who are mothers and are posting on here with the clear intention of vilifying step mothers, not aimed at all mothers! The intelligence comment would indicate this. That part must have passed you by.

Oh and it's 'have' not 'of'!

@chucklecheeks1
Actually having read your posts, I doubt very much if you are step mother at all.

@Chucklecheeks1
Yes you were a single mum on October 9th, so unless you've worked pretty quickly, you're not a step mum! Just on here to argue and cause unpleasantness, why not find a forum better suited to you and leave genuine step mums who are trying their very best in what can be a difficult situation to talk about that, without being belittled and criticised by those who nothing of their situation.

Your biological child will more than likely say just as worse about you to friends etc when older

Anyone with any ounce of intelligence will see that that example it is not the same as a stepchild saying how much they dislike you to their mum.

When a teenager moans about their parent to their friends, it’s all empty words. They don’t actually hate their parent because they didn’t let them have another tenner. If I discovered one of my children had called me a bitch to one of their friends, I’d think “Yes I am... but you still love me”

I couldn't agree more @funinthesun19 it is an entirely different dynamic. The biological bond trumps all others, that's why step parenting is some damn hard (sometimes). I have to be honest, my DSC are a billion per cent more engaging, loving, thoughtful, and inclusive than they were in the first 2-3 years of our relationship, which in turn allows me to love them much more. I had times I would happily have walked away from them, but now we're a family, alongside the family they have with their mum and step dad.

You scrolled through and read 4 weeks of messaging between a teenage girl and her mother. This is so intrusive and wrong. Serves you bloody right that you're upset, I have no sympathy.

Really hard for you to read. I think her Mum is in the one at fault her. She’s probably relishing in it and her daughter just trying to please. If Mum is so bitter and wrapped up in you imagine how difficult things would be for DSD if she didn’t play along.

Wow! Thanks for all the advice.. what's debate. Well I do appreciate the snooping is bad police I wont apologise for my DP reading the friend message. If I though my own son was having embroiled in a unhealthy friendship I'd snoop because I feel that's a parents duty to SOME degree. Anyway I think time has solved the issue I am a lot calmer and have pretty much forgotten it... it was very heat of the moment. We arent smart enough to make the message we read 'unread' so pretty sure the teen knows we saw something at least but we are all just letting it go. I have slightly adjusted manor to be less involved in terms of lots and lots of activities to just see where the chips fall. Thanks for the support 👍 for the record I wont he checking the SCs phones again but dad is free too without telling me anything!

Well done OP. Don’t be too cross with her. It sounds like you’ve got a good relationship with her really and I’m sure she appreciates you - I think she’s managing the dynamics of her reformed family situation.

Glad you've decided to let it go, it's the right thing to do.

@Beau2019 She never even encouraged my father to treat me right you don't see what is wrong with this statement?

You are absolutely right to let it go. Any distress you feel about what you read basically serves you right for snooping. And you know you were snooping, not 'safeguarding'.
Have you managed to convince your H that he did a nasty, intrusive thing, though? Or is he going to maintain that he has 'every right' to pry, and share the results of his prying with you? Because if he doesn't realise that what he did was thoroughly wrong, then you are going to have further upsets in future.

Well done Songbird - good decisions.

@Songbird232018 maybe the fact she knows you knows will make her have a rethink. I personally don't think are are being unreasonable in the slightest.