Why did we look at the phone!

[Songbird232018]

I just need a vent...so my partner has just found text messages on my SDs (15) phone between her and her mother basically slagging me off and being quite nasty.

Both have had equal input it's not the mother forcing the daughter into her opinion from what I can read...which would probably make this easier if it were. I feel so angry I just want to throw all the xmas presents I have got for her in the bin and take a huge step back out her life.

I know I need to try and be a little more rational. I just feel a bloody mug right now!!

Shes not certain we have seen these but I think she has an inclination due to my change in attitude! Help!

Jesus. Can't some SMs handle the fact that a stepd is going to have a relationship with her mother? Of course she is. She might EVEN love her mother more than her stepmother. That doesn't mean the stepmum is allowed to have a sulky hissy fit! Just have a friendly, supportive relationship and don't expect to come first all the time!

Bertrand well for one thing, your own kids tend to love you beneath all the shite, step kids often don't. I have already explained how its very different than if this was OPs actual child, but I suppose you ignored that.

If my own child spoke about me like that I would be backing off them too, though actually. I certainly wouldn't be going out of my way to make their life easy, put it that way.

Teenagers need to learn that saying nasty things has consequences, whether you mean it or not. And ok, she didn't say it directly to op, but if she knows her phone gets checked she will have known her dad would see it.

Your h should not have told you about these messages and quite frankly should have left them well alone. He must have known what ex is likely to think about you.

As for dsd, she's realistically not going to be singing your praises 24/7. Even if she thought you were the bees knees she wasn't going to tell her mum that was she? The fact that plays games with you suggests that she likes you imo. My teen dd would have taken her phone upstairs with her.

Of course you're trying hard. You're not used to having a teen girl around and having a good relationship with her is directly linked to your relationship with your h. Teens tend to be quite solitary (spending time in their rooms) so maybe at times your enthusiasm for shopping and chick flicks may have come across as too much? (This is something my dd has said to me) I think it's great that you're making an effort with dsd btw but part of being a teen parent is never being seen as doing the right thing. My kids have accused me both of not caring and being too involved so I often wonder where that leaves me.

The second child thing is spiteful and ex should be embarrassed for being so nasty. Do not punish dsd for this because mum is to blame too and dsd expected the conversation to be private. Next time she'll decline playing with you or put extra security on the phone like the app that takes a photo of everyone who unlocks the phone.

trewser if you're reffering to me, that's not what I am saying at all. She can say what she likes to her mum, ofc they're going to have a better relationship than her and OP.

What I think isn't fair is that everyone is of the opinion that op should accept this graciously and carry on as normal - I don't think she should have to.

the daughter clearly doesn't like op being friendly and supportive, so whats the point in carrying on?

I would follow a police officer's advice over some sanctimonious irresponsible parents on an online forum

The communication concerned is with a PARENT. Not random AN Other from the Internet picked up as a friend on a dodgy forum. Or a classmate with a grudge. Do you monitor your child’s communication with their other parent?

I would hazard a guess that if I stated in this forum I was going to monitor my ex’s messages to our children, I would be labelled ‘controlling’ above all else but plenty would use words/phrases like snooping, angry, needs to get over it, vile....

Jesus. Can't some SMs handle the fact that a stepd is going to have a relationship with her mother? Of course she is. She might EVEN love her mother more than her stepmother. That doesn't mean the stepmum is allowed to have a sulky hissy fit! Just have a friendly, supportive relationship and don't expect to come first all the time!

Eh? You seem to be just making things up here. Who has said they want to come first above the child's own mother?

I don't check my DS' phone and I think parents who insist on checking their DC's phones are self-righteous bullies. You talk to your DC about boundaries, personal safety, respect for themselves and for others, and you let them know that you are there if they want to ask about anything or need any help, but you don't meddle and you don't punish over private conversations.
Your DC are not your possessions and they have every right to privacy. If you are a bully and a spy and refuse to let your DC have any autonomy, they are never going to come to you when they actually need help and support, because they know your response will be punitive and stupid. If you don't trust your DC, why should they trust you? And if you are the sort of cunt who insists on 'respect' and will impose all kinds of disproportionate cruelties on DC who offer any resistance to your demands, then you will only have yourself to blame when they leave home as soon as possible and cut contact with you.

wow reanimated that's a bit strong and an entirely unnecessary attack and I say that as someone who doesn't check anyones phone.

A bit strong but I agree with most of it.

She is 15 - she is just responding to her mum building a relationship with her.

I'd say that's normal teenage girl behaviour and you need to stop snooping through her phone.

Reanimatedsgb And there it is a bully bullying the OP in her post. She already said she shouldn't have looked. What more do you want from her?! A pint of blood.

Wow. C bomb. Excuse me whilst I really don’t listen to a word in your message. As soon as you have to resort to using stupid language like that on here, I’m afraid that everything else you typed becomes irrelevant.

Re the spot checking of phones?

I am open with my children about the spot checking on their devices. We have openly discussed my reasons for doing so. And our discussion was around my essentially steering them/ guiding them on behaviours/ what they put in writing/ showing them how simple ‘funny’ comments can get blown up (quite literally on Twitter) overnight. I talk to them extensively about how to use technology responsibly.
What to do if they’re in a group chat and someone in that chat is being rude/ aggressive. Do they say something? Do they say nothing? Do they leave the group?
I explain that they shouldn’t be writing anything to anyone that if pulled in front a headteacher/ police officer/ or someone of authority, they couldn’t explain or justify.
I explain about data privacy and what each provider is storing on you and why. And why they should be cognisant of it.

Does that mean they shouldn’t have a phone? Don’t be stupid. They should have a phone but be taught how to use technology respectfully.
And that from time to time involves guard rails. Because I’d far rather be the one seeing something inappropriate on their phone and having that conversation.

Would I ever go into the chats they have with their dad? I’ve occasionally picked up their phone and replied to his messages if they’ve gone to bed, saying they’ve gone to bed. If I saw a message with him talking about my partner would I look? Probably. But then I operate on the basis that he can also check our DC’s phones and if I found out he was looking at my messages between my DC and me, would I get upset?

No not really to be honest. There’s nothing in there that I wouldn’t want him to see. I have nothing to hide.

This thread reminds me a little of when people are caught having affairs when their partner ‘snoops’ on their phone. A whole tide of outrage follows ‘how dare you check my phone! It’s a violation of my privacy’. If my partner checked my phone I’d be more worried about asking what was going that they felt the need to. Was something worrying them? Because there’s nothing on my phone that they can’t see.

I have all tthose conversations without checking their phones. Replying to a 15 year olds messages when they've gone to bed is weird. Or are your children much younger?

Oh I should add. Expulsions are on the increase in schools due to tech/ phone related issues.
Police involvement/ warnings are also on the increase.
Look up metal health/ bullying/ suicide risks associated with the step change/ accessibility in tech.
Tech has bought a lot of amazing innovations to this world (especially in healthcare) but as a society we are way behind teaching our children how to use it responsibly and safely. Regulators are woefully behind.

If you all think at 15 that your CHILD doesn’t need that from you as parents and that that is NOT your role. Wow. I’d go to some more research and perhaps think again.

Mine are younger and I’ve only done it when I can see he’s asked a question and looking for a response. My ex and I are super amicable. If that ever becomes a problem then I’d expect him: my children to say, it’s weird, please don’t do that. And I’d respect it.

But if I’m sat there and their phones are pinging away then yeah I may take two secs to say. Hey, its sass, they’ve gone to bed. You’ve missed them.

My own teenage daughter once sent me a message criticising me - she thought she had sent it to her best friend :) She nearly died when she realised. We had a chat about it and no, unlike a previous poster suggested, I didn't change my behaviour to her or stop giving her lifts or whatever.

I really wouldn't take this too seriously. A teenager said some stuff in a private conversation - there usually are no consequences for that because it is private. Let's face it, even if you have a policy of checking phones, your dh shouldn't have read messages between her and her mother. And even if he did, he shouldn't have shown them to you - out of consideration for you as well as his dd. I suppose you could look at it as your dh realising there are consequences for looking a private messages that are clearly none of his business.

How long have you been her step mum? Could it be that this was a dynamic between mother and daughter that started a while ago and just stuck?

Have you and your h ever slagged off dsd or her mum? I bet you probably have but it was done out of earshot or in anger straight after they pissed you off but there was no repression's as they don't know.

sass mine are older and we've had lots of conversations about tech over the years and as I've said before they've occasionally shown me or told me things and we've discussed it. I wouldn't dream of reading their messages.

I have to ask, if you feel this worried aboit it, why on earth do your dcs have phones?

Don’t worry, op. It’s only SGB. She has form.

If I’m worried about my children getting hit with a car, do I never allow them to leave the house? Or do I teach them vital road safety rules (including actually not having noise cancelling headphones in).

Technology is an intrinsic part of our lives and will be more so for future generations. I’m not worried enough that they need to not have phones. But I’m certainly healthily aware enough to have front of mind that it’s intrinsic on me to teach them responsible use of tech.

The reason I check? Because I have seen messages sent (by other children in the groups) that are quite offensive. And I think it’s incumbent on me to point it out and say, hey, you read this, what did you think?

Let me tell you, more parents should be checking their kids phones. Because if I ever found any of my children sending messages like the ones I have seen some kids send, they would categorically be disciplined. But these are also the parents letting their kids take their devices to bed in complete opposition to every bit of advice telling parents to ban devices from bedrooms.

I would hope by 15 that I’m hardly doing it because by that point They’ve sort of got it. But who knows?

But I am with @Trewser. You can and should have all the conversations without reading private messages.

Some of you should really have a think about whether you are doing your DC any favours by ordering them to submit to 'authority' when 'authority tries to invade their privacy. Part of bringing up sensible, resilient DC, especially these days, involves making them aware of their rights - and when to co-operate and when to inform some petty bully or other that they are exceeding their powers and can jog on, because you're not going to give them the information they are demanding.
The slow creep of absolutely unwarranted surveillance and monitoring over the past couple of decades is a fairly major factor in the rising rate of MH issues. We are not the property of the government, nor of our employers, nor are children the property of their parents. Constant spying on your DC, which can include excessive policing of their social media, is abusive.

For instance - no adult can take their phone from them by force. A teacher can demand a kid hand over their phone but if the kid refuses to do so (shove it inside your clothes, kids!) the teacher can't seize it. Yes they can impose sanctions such as detention, calling your parents etc, but if they physically restrain you and take the phone by force, you can press charges. It's useful to know this.