Why did we look at the phone!

[Songbird232018]

I just need a vent...so my partner has just found text messages on my SDs (15) phone between her and her mother basically slagging me off and being quite nasty.

Both have had equal input it's not the mother forcing the daughter into her opinion from what I can read...which would probably make this easier if it were. I feel so angry I just want to throw all the xmas presents I have got for her in the bin and take a huge step back out her life.

I know I need to try and be a little more rational. I just feel a bloody mug right now!!

Shes not certain we have seen these but I think she has an inclination due to my change in attitude! Help!

I don't really think either you or your dh can let her know you've seen the messages. I do think that would make it worse. If you only see her at weekends etc could you do less one to one stuff with her for a bit and do more family stuff? At this time of year lots of people will be doing that so it won't seem odd and it might give you a bit of breathing space whilst not leaving her out. Still give her the presents etc.

I've had this. My DSS arrived at ours one day upset because his mum and Sister (DSD) had been slagging me off in a car journey. He was 11 at the time, she was 14.

This was just before I was about to sell my house, move 2 counties and buy a bigger home for everyone to live in.

I ignored whilst levelling up a major bit of disappointment and jealousy on the part of the mother

goldenchild well her DH did, not her. She is allowed to be upset.

Also many parents check their CHILD's phone.

I do check my child's phone. I will randomly ask for it and tell them why. What I would not do is proceed to read private messages between my child and their father without the childs consent

What do you do then? What do you check?

@Bollykecks

as he had it a message reply came through from her mum that had my name in it so he showed me and yes we opened the full message and read back about 4 weeks. I know this isn't great but it's done now.

They both read the messages

The OP is minimising what they did

The OP is not the parent and reading FOUR WEEKS WORTH of messages is not checking your child's phone

Give your head a wobble ffs

goldenchild

she can minimise all she wants, because nothing will change whats happened.

the op isn't the parent, no, so in my opinion if I was her I would step right back and stop making any effort, because shes not the parent and she isn't appreciated.

Do you read private messages generally? What are you expecting to find?

I was vile to my parents at that age, I dread to think how horrid I'd have been if there was a step parent involved. She's probably trying to be 'friends' with her mum by choosing to talk about something they both know about 'you'. The ex is the vile one here, she should know better and the fact she's having these conversations with her 15 yr old daughter tells me she's not a very nice person and is putting her own feelings before her dd. Is it any wonder why your sd is being like this with her dm as her first female role model.

By the way, I check my dd phone, I think it's a sensible parent thing to do

the op isn't the parent, no, so in my opinion if I was her I would step right back and stop making any effort, because shes not the parent and she isn't appreciated.

And imo that is childish beyond belief

Crash a child's privacy and then punish the child without understanding the background to the messages which you shouldn't have read in the first place

Pathetic

What do you do then? What do you check?

I check their internet history/social media accounts and messages between friends.
I don't read private messages between them and their father.

Oh poor you. That is horrible. I hope you manage to come to terms with it without it causing a rift. She's only 15, she probably feels stuck in between you and her mother and her mother is the one to blame. Her mother may feel threatened by your presence in her dd's life as you sound like a fantastic SM.

As the police officer in charge of child internet and media safety for our region said at the safety talk at our school, it is a parent's responsibility and duty to ensure the safety of their child over and above the child's perceived demands for privacy. A child does not get to keep their phone hidden, and a 15 year old is still a child. The officer had three teenagers of her own. She also told of of some of the horrors she has been called in to deal with in terms of things found on teenagers and children's phones and media accounts.

I would follow a police officer's advice over some sanctimonious irresponsible parents on an online forum.

@Goldenchildsmum

It's only punishing her if she confronts her or tells her off somehow.

I wouldn't punish her for this because the messages were private but I WOULD step back, in the same way that if I happened to see the content of a message from anyone I knew complaining about or mocking a behaviour of mine, I would probably stop doing it in front of them. Partly because that's what they clearly want me to do, and partly because I would feel too humiliated to keep doing it.

OP should not have seen this message, but since she has and the message says she is trying too hard and comes across as desperate, how is it punishing the child to try a bit less hard?

You say you get on very well. This is a good thing that would be a shame to lose because your dp searched through 4 weeks of messages.

She will not say something positive about you to her mother. It’s the two people who use to be together making this worse for the dd.

@YouJustDoYou

Did the police officer suggest reading private messages between the child and parent when no safeguarding issues have been flagged?

goldenchild you think its childish to back off considering the child finds op too "try hard"?

what do you think she should do, carry on smothering her? that's going to make things better isn't it.

you don't have a bloody clue do you

A child’s messages to her mother do not need to be monitored. There’s no good way to spin it.

marsha I wonder how many teenagers put the name of their bf/gf as something like "mum" though?

hmmm.

not as a defence for op, but in general.

My dcs know to tell me if they've received anything on their phone that makes them feel uncomfortable and they have shown me bitchy messages from friends in the past.

If the police officer believes that all teens have dodgy stuff on their phones, but still lets her teens have a phone then shes idiotic.

Also, teens know how to delete and hide stuff. Any parent thinking a 15 year old doesn't do this is a fool.

If they want to message in a certain way that they know you won’t like and you will check they deleting is easy.

Much better to get them to be open and tell you if they feel bad or uncomfortable.

Then deleting is easy

“ goldenchild you think its childish to back off considering the child finds op too "try hard"?”

I think it’s worth the OP looking at her relationship with her sd in the light of the messages. But taking what a teenager says in a private message to her mother as gospel and what she actually wants to happen would be a big mistake. The OP has to be the grown up here.

yep Bertrand im not suggesting she does anything which is not "grown up" but I wouldn't be pouring my heart and soul into a teenager who felt that way about me.

There are loads of step parents on here who have given their absolute ALL to their step kids, and had it thrown back in their face. I wouldn't suggest op goes down that road because its a particularly unpleasant one.

“ but I wouldn't be pouring my heart and soul into a teenager who felt that way about me.“

Let’s hope your own kids never do, then.

There's a lot of downplaying of this though by the OP. There's no sugar coating shit and the fact is after the first message they went on to read four pages. If the SD has any sense now she'll pick up on the further animosity and just start deleting all her messages to her mum when they've chatted etc. Massive breach and your partner is a massive idiot for then scrolling through and letting you see them/telling you. My messages to my mum about my dad and his wife when I had to see them were sacred- at times they were my outlet. If he'd have read them and told his wife the that says more about him and her than about me safely out letting to my own mum.