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Original poster

Why did we look at the phone!

214 replies

Songbird232018 · 04/12/2019 21:05

I just need a vent...so my partner has just found text messages on my SDs (15) phone between her and her mother basically slagging me off and being quite nasty.

Both have had equal input it's not the mother forcing the daughter into her opinion from what I can read...which would probably make this easier if it were. I feel so angry I just want to throw all the xmas presents I have got for her in the bin and take a huge step back out her life.

I know I need to try and be a little more rational. I just feel a bloody mug right now!!

Shes not certain we have seen these but I think she has an inclination due to my change in attitude! Help!

OP posts:
NoraEphronsneck · 04/12/2019 21:17

I found a similar message from my SD to my DH's phone recently. Ranting about me, so many things - really unfair and unwarranted - she's having a hard time in her own life at moment and obviously needed someone to blame it all on.

I told my DH that she'll never know that I've read it as I wouldn't want to cause trouble. Ethernet them but I won't be doing anything for her in future and won't be traipsing round town buying Christmas presents for her.

Sotiredofthislife · 04/12/2019 21:19

Why are you searching the phone of a 15 year old? If you have read a series of messages you are going some from a privacy perspective.

CalleighDoodle · 04/12/2019 21:21

Not sure your dh should have told you

Wildorchidz · 04/12/2019 21:23

The child’s father was checking her phone. As is advisable and recommended by many people who have to deal with the fall out from cyber bullying, online predators, self harm websites etc etc etc

Fucket · 04/12/2019 21:24

She’s 15 and full of hormones, if gcse year she will have done or about to do mocks.

By all means back off a little but don’t hold this against her forever.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2019 21:25

Why did your husband show you these messages? How horrible of him. He should have handled this with his daughter privately.

ivykaty44 · 04/12/2019 21:26

So if the father checked the phone, surely the sd knows he’s seen the messages

Clymene · 04/12/2019 21:26

Yes I don't know why he felt the need to show you. This is something he could have dealt with

Orangerocks · 04/12/2019 21:27

I think a conversation between mother and daughter is quite personal and should be kept private. If the father was checking for predators or bullying then why the need to load up the messages to her mother? I would be livid as a 15 year old if my Dad’s wife read my text messages. What did it say and is there any reasoning for her dislike of you or is it just ‘bitchiness’?

beckyvardy · 04/12/2019 21:27

Was it a one off? I.e moaning about house rules or something similar or just for no reason?

I know my SS has slagged next off to his mum.
Unwarranted for the most part but he probably had some points. I'm not perfect.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 04/12/2019 21:30

I said some absolutely vile things about my dad when I was around 15. I really hated him and he was doing nothing other than trying to parent a teenage girl for the first time. Poor man. I know it’s hard for you to hear these things OP but I’d say she probably doesn’t actually mean them. She’s probably full of loads of stress and hormones and you’re a very convenient target, with the added “encouragement” of her mother who really should be discouraging talk like that.

RaymondStopThat · 04/12/2019 21:31

Why was he looking at her phone? Did he have good reason to? When you're 15, you can be cross with the world and everything is someone else's fault. Think about the long term, ignore what was said, and maybe try to remember what being 15 was like. She probably says similar stuff about her mum to her friends.

Ignore and move on.

Hopingtobeamum · 04/12/2019 21:31

As a woman who has a DH2B with two daughters I'd be absolutely devastated, as in totally lost to hear this.
I don't know what's worse, knowing or not knowing then finding out. Probably never knowing is best, so long as it's just kids venting as opposed to there being an actual problem

Zampa · 04/12/2019 21:33

A similar thing had happened to me but initiated by my DSD (13 at the time) and not encouraged by her mother. Initially, I was angry, upset and frustrated and the same why do I bother with this thoughts went through my head.

However, DH told DSD what he'd seen and DSD was so devastated when she found out I knew what she'd written that it enabled me get some perspective. I didn't judge or demand an apology, just gave her a hug and said it's ok.

I know that her mum doesn't like me and I can't expect my DSD to show any loyalty to me over and above her mother. As long as she's polite in person, I can deal with it. We're not close but she dotes on her little sisters (my DSC with her Dad).

DH has since had a conversation with her, whereby DSD revealed that her mother is quite volatile and DSD says a lot of things to placate her. Whether the insults about me were part of that, I won't know but again, it helps with perspective.

Original poster
Songbird232018 · 04/12/2019 21:39

Thanks for replying, sorry I definitely should of gave background context. So 5 of us were playing game of phone ( you have to text people and see who gets a reply first, show people the 13th pic for example) the game ended and her phone was left on the table while she went in the bath. A text came through and popped up from a girl there has been toxic friendship problems with so my DP opened it as we have been concerned for a few weeks that things may be going south again. Turns out it was harmless however then as he had it a message reply came through from her mum that had my name in it so he showed me and yes we opened the full message and read back about 4 weeks. I know this isn't great but it's done now. They were saying that I try overly hard and seem desperate which hurt and they were discussing whether DP and I would have another child together ( we have a son 22 months) I've already told my DSD that we won't be as I'm happy with one but to read them joking that maybe I cant have any more ( mum has had 6) just seems cruel. Completely untrue but still. We put the phone back but I cant get it out my head

OP posts:
MaderiaCycle · 04/12/2019 21:42

She's 15. she wants to please mum. emotions. hormones. 15 is a really difficult age. especially with a new family and new sibling. Take it easy on her. she's just a kid.

Original poster
Songbird232018 · 04/12/2019 21:43

We get on really well and I'll admit I maybe do try hard because shes the only girl in our lives so I try to do clothes shopping and chat and chick flicks etc but maybe everyones right and I'll just cool it off. I'd never want to out it as I think it may end in something being said that's hard to retract. My DP is very angry with her and wants to talk in out as hes always said his children ( there are 2 boys also) have been so lucky to end up with me and the effort I go to for them. I just dont know whether its worth it

OP posts:
baubled · 04/12/2019 21:45

I loved my step mum at that age, she treated me as her own but I was still jealous that it felt like my dad preferred her to me (immature I know). I often slagged her off to my mum thinking it would make her feel better too. I didn't mean any of it, that's not to say she doesn't but I would try and take at least some of it with a pinch of salt.

Blindingpeaky · 04/12/2019 21:45

I think you could consider whether your dsd was saying it to please her mum. It doesn't mean she meant it or wanted to hurt you but wanted to be loyal to her mum.

Pityparty4one · 04/12/2019 21:46

Sorry but that's what you get for snooping.
The excuse you have given for looking at the phone is flimsy and you know it.

That aside I can understand how hurtful and awkward this is for you know.
As hard as it is you need to draw a line under it because if you don't the relationship between you, her dad and dsd will breakdown.
If you discuss it with her all she will focus on is the invasion if her privacy and she will not trust either of you again.

There is no quick fix I am afraid.
Both dad and her mum are cruel to talk about you behind your back but does it really matter to your every day life?

Original poster
Songbird232018 · 04/12/2019 21:46

@hopingtobeamum thank you to be honest I wish we had just bloody put the damn thing down

OP posts:
Pityparty4one · 04/12/2019 21:46

Both dad and her mum

Sorry both dsd and her mum

Original poster
Songbird232018 · 04/12/2019 21:48

@baubles that's very interesting because it may well be the case really thinking about it... did you manage to get over this or did it follow you?

OP posts:
Hopingtobeamum · 04/12/2019 21:53

@Songbird232018 I'm sure this will happen to me at some point. I'm now dreading it tbh, I give the 2 children my all; time, affection, care, a lovely home and always think of them and their needs but I'm sure it won't always be plain sailing. Sending thoughts and hugs x

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 04/12/2019 21:55

Wow, her mum sounds immature, bitching about you like she's also 15. How nasty. If her Dad wants to talk to her about it, that's up to him, but I would try not to take it to heart.

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