Why did we look at the phone!

[Songbird232018]

I just need a vent...so my partner has just found text messages on my SDs (15) phone between her and her mother basically slagging me off and being quite nasty.

Both have had equal input it's not the mother forcing the daughter into her opinion from what I can read...which would probably make this easier if it were. I feel so angry I just want to throw all the xmas presents I have got for her in the bin and take a huge step back out her life.

I know I need to try and be a little more rational. I just feel a bloody mug right now!!

Shes not certain we have seen these but I think she has an inclination due to my change in attitude! Help!

I rest my case.

bertrand 🤣

I’ll let me children know and I’ll give them the number to child line.
I’ll report back as to what levels of warnings I get for my abusive parenting

Sorry OP, I understand why you wouldn't like to hear this but it's one of those situations where the bad behaviour (completely unwarranted snooping - at least on the 4 weeks of messages between her and her mother(!)) is its own punishment.

That old phrase "eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves" applies here and I don't think you've any business punishing her, subtly or overtly, for things she said to her own mother privately.

My mum and I have always said things to one another about people that we wouldn't dream of saying to anyone else because we share a sense of humour and absolutely trust one another a) not to pass it on and b) not to think badly of each other for our most mean-spirited thoughts. It's a good release valve for both of us that allows us to be our usual charming selves in public!

Just take it as a lesson learned and if you do think you've actually been trying too hard, maybe back off a bit without being cold.

Wow, SGB, you would rather your child stuffed their phone down their shirt than accepted the consequences of using it in a classroom where, for the most part, their use is prohibited? I suppose you are one of those parents who will also complain when your darling fails everything because they spend half of their class time sat surfing the net to make some kind of point? Crazy.

I wonder how many teenagers put the name of their bf/gf as something like "mum" though?

It's extremely easy to check that it's mum's number linked to the name, without seeing their conversation.

I would prefer my DC to pay attention in class, of course (and he is a good kid who likes school, on the whole). However, it is important to teach children when and how to stand up for themselves rather than allowing officious pricks to bully them. Don't respect authority that has no respect for you, remember.

I just can’t see any situation where its ever justifiable for you to bypass the toxic friend’s message and then read pages of private messages between SD and mum.

Jesus. Can't some SMs handle the fact that a stepd is going to have a relationship with her mother? Of course she is. She might EVEN love her mother more than her stepmother. That doesn't mean the stepmum is allowed to have a sulky hissy fit! Just have a friendly, supportive relationship and don't expect to come first all the time!

Good god. Do not flatter yourself or all the mums on here who agree with you. 🤢

@funinthesun19 I'm not even sure why these women who think they are the golden ones just because they've given birth are even reading a stepmum forum? Possibly because they want to goad? I'm with you on this.

Thing is, there are plenty of posts on these boards where children express their view of their step parent to the posting parent in a face to face conversation. The only reason why this is considered a mortal sin now is because it’s been done via text message, text messages which the father had no right to read in the first place.

Would it be ok to put a listening device in the other parent’s house to hear what the child was saying about them? Because this amounts to the same thing. It was very clear the messages were between her and her mum. What they said is none of anyone else’s business but theirs.

suchamass its the same posters every time, they just come here to stick the boot in. I expect its like a day out for them.

@funinthesun19 I'm not even sure why these women who think they are the golden ones just because they've given birth are even reading a stepmum forum? Possibly because they want to goad? I'm with you on this.

I could honestly understand if the stepmum was being horrible and she was turning to her mum for support. But these are messages ripping in to the op for making an effort and trying to go out of her way.

Op, my advice would be to step back and stop doing the things you do for your sd. Give the pair of them something to actually moan about.

Then you get the comments on here saying she’s bonding with her mum over these messages fucks sake get a grip. You all sound like teenagers yourselves.

"Op, my advice would be to step back and stop doing the things you do for your sd. Give the pair of them something to actually moan about."

This. They can't have it both ways. My SD was incredibly rude, demanding and horrible to me when she was younger and her mum was increasingly rude, demanding and horrible to my husband as soon as I came on the scene. Apparently it was ok for me to cook nice dinners, shop for their favourite foods, give them lifts, decorate their rooms in our new house, give them pocket money, clean up after them and book expensive holidays on my wage. They even demanded more maintenance to come out of my wages because I have a relatively good job and no kids of my own.

But on the other SD slagged me off with her mum whenever the opportunity arose. So I backed off then.

I'm amused that all of the judgement here is on the OP, when the adult having the conversation should be setting a better example. The mum: but mums are rarely called into question on this forum

It’s not about bonding with her mum, it’s a fifteen year old navigating the dynamics of a family set up like this. The SD probably loves the effort the OP makes, but also wants to reassure her mum she’s number one. She’s just a teen, and she’s dealing with a tough situation (the break down of a family is tough, even if it’s often the best course of action).

OP I don’t blame you for being hurt but the SD is between a rock and a hard place I think. Her mum isn’t being appropriate in encouraging her to criticise you but, on the other hand, we all have negative feelings about the people we love, and we all vent those feelings sometimes.

The SD probably loves the effort the OP makes, but also wants to reassure her mum she’s number one.

If the sd feels like that then she has a mum problem, not a stepmum problem. She can reassure her mum in plenty of other ways without resorting bitchy texts to try and boost mum’s ego.

Yes I agree it’s inappropriate of the mum. But remember these texts were intended to be private.

And that's why you shouldn't read other people's messages. She's just making her mum feel better. Her mums probably insecure about your relationship and her DD is trying to make her feel better. Don't take it personally x

Yes I agree it’s inappropriate of the mum. But remember these texts were intended to be private.

Yeah I know. That’s kind of what makes it worse to be honest. Making fun about someone behind their back and being nice to their face is sly and two faced. Especially when that person is trying to help you and do their best for you.

And I don’t think the husband did anything wrong in telling the op what he saw. I’d want to know what people are saying about me in secret too, especially if I thought the person making the comments likes me. Knowledge is everything.

I don’t think the SD said anything that harsh. She re-contextualised the OP’s kindness is a way that wouldn’t make her mum feel threatened.

It’s wrong that her mum needs/encourages this, but SD is just a kid trying to navigate her broken up, reformed family, with all the emotional complexity that involves.

Im a step mum and a mum. Am i deemed ok to be on a step mum thread if im a golden one too?

There are rubbish mums and rubbish step mums. Everyone has a right to an opinion and calling a group of women golden ones makes you no better.

The mum was wrong to engage with your SD. You and your DH were wrong to read private messages between SD and her mum.

If you're going to call put your SD out on the messages remember to fall on your own sword for reading private messages and propey apologise.

You're no better, but you are older and should know better than a child stuck between two homes.

@chucklecheeks1 I would hope that anyone with any grain of intelligence would understand my comments are aimed at the vitriol being poured here by mums, with no step mum experience, sticking the knife into step mums trying to do their best. There's really no need for your kind of comment which 'makes you no better' either! If you're lucky enough to have a trouble free blended family, then congratulations, you're in the minority. Most of us have a daily struggle balancing the difficult path and trying to keep everyone happy.

She’s 15 and dealing with a baby arriving within the last couple of years as well as all sorts of other things to do with her parents not being together and hormones/school.

I agree you should not have looked at the messages. Your reasoning was poor but even if your DP was worried about cyber bullying, which is a perfectly legitimate reason to check messages, those between the other parent should not be looked at. Messages between the parents are private and not for the other parent to view, let alone allow someone else to see. The consequences of this are now apparent and if you carry on with the way you feel, the two of you will never have a decent relationship and all because you crosses a line that as an adult you shouldn’t have done.

@suchamess123 I'm not the one who has given a name to a whole group of women... the golden ones. We are all aware you're referring to the other derogatory term given to mothers 'golden uterus'. You've resorted to name calling.

You have no idea about my blended situation. It doesnt matter. Im able to differentiate between an individuals behaviour and a whole group of women. Even if their opinion is different to mine.

They shouldn't of read their SD messages with her mother. There is no getting around that fact. The mother shouldn't of engaged with her daughter when she was being derogatory about the OP.

My DD says things about her dad and step mum. I dont engage. Im very aware she probably does the same to her dad about me and my partner. She's a teen who loves me to death one minute and hates my guts the next.

And to the posters saying distance yourself... she is a child in a blended family she didnt ask for. Your biological child will more than likely say just as worse about you to friends etc when older. Will you distance youself in that situation?

Your biological child will more than likely say just as worse about you to friends etc when older

that's totally different IMO.