Why did we look at the phone!

[Songbird232018]

I just need a vent...so my partner has just found text messages on my SDs (15) phone between her and her mother basically slagging me off and being quite nasty.

Both have had equal input it's not the mother forcing the daughter into her opinion from what I can read...which would probably make this easier if it were. I feel so angry I just want to throw all the xmas presents I have got for her in the bin and take a huge step back out her life.

I know I need to try and be a little more rational. I just feel a bloody mug right now!!

Shes not certain we have seen these but I think she has an inclination due to my change in attitude! Help!

If there is a discussion to have, it has to be between the Dsd and her DH. Not with the OP.

@Jellybeansincognito When I do a spot check it is literally that, no pre-planned, no can you bring your phone here simply 'lets do a check then' they are with me, they see what i'm doing and they don't have a chance to delete stuff prior.
They could of course delete as they go, but then they know they shouldn't really be writing that if they need to delete it!

@Trewser My sons Dad is mentally ill, hes taken overdoses (as I put in my original post) - my son does have a right to a relationship with him and that's why I haven't stopped a relationship like Jellybeansincognito suggested, but it would be neglectful of me to just leave him to it.
Life is not as simple as good or bad. See your kids or don't.
My son is 15, he's forming relationships himself and he needs to learn about good and bad behaviours and how to handle difficult situations. That will never happen if the minute there's something bad he's removed. Its all about age appropriate guidance.

You disagree about going through kids phones, i'm saying there's nothing wrong with it - but I do believe the OP needs to talk to her step daughter if this upsets her so much because the step daughter needs to see that her words do have consequences.
To me, you want to bury your head in the sand and instead blame the OP for looking at messages. That approach wouldnt work for me

Firstly, it serves you right for snooping. Secondly, though it hurts, you have to suck it up and let it go, and make sure your partner does the same. If you let him take a punitive approach, he will seriously damage the relationships between his daughter and the two of you.
No one at all is entitled to 'respect' if what you mean by that is absolute, abject gratitude and worship. Everyone gets exasperated by their family members from time to time and vents to friends or other family members.

The sort of parent who would impose any kind of punishment here is a bully, and the sort of parent who deserves every nasty thing their DC say about them in future.

If she really hated you she'd tell you to your face.
It's just blowing off steam.

If the only thing a 15 year old had to 'complain about' was you trying too hard, you're doing well! I really wouldn''t be giving that headspace, and your DH would be ridiculous to make a scene with your DSD over this.

HE was the one well out of order for snooping on the conversation between her and her mum. I think that's an awful thing to do, and there was no excuse for it. Checking a phone for cyber bullying is one thing. Checking a conversation between his daughter and her mum is plain nosiness, and if he brings it up with her, her relationship with him and with you will be ruined. And she'll tell her mum and goodness knows what else will ensue.

HE's in the wrong here, not her.

I bet your husband is loving this. Showing you all the horrible things his DD has said to you? Making sure you’re upset? Ensuring there’s now a rift between the two of you? If he was a decent man he would have said nothing about the messages and would have spoken to her in private. But now he can be sure that you’re upset and wanting to distance yourself from her, and he’s not going to tell her so he’s sure that she will continue to say the things she’s saying which may or may not apply, and remember, the screen does not convey emotion, so the way something is written in a text doesn’t necessarily mean it’s meant to come across that way.

My ex did this. My DS had some concerns about his new partner and spoke to him about it in confidence. My ex then went and told his partner word for word what he’d said and made sure he told DS how upset his DP was. Guess what, they now have no relationship.

Children say things about one another, about their parents, about their step parents all the time. It’s what they do, and as long as they’re not shouting it in your face then they have the right to do so, just as you have the right to now be complaining about your DSD on a public Internet forum.

But ask yourself what your DH has to gain here, because there is something. No-one tells someone he horrible things someone else has been saying about them without a motive.

Tbh you're dh had no right to read personal messages between her mother. Checking her phone for bullying between her friends for bullying maybe but at 15 I would say shes too old to have her phone checked at that age my parents respected my privacy that they never checked my phone. I think you're dh is in the wrong here. You're dsd is allowed to vent and should have a safe place to do so.

Whilst I agree there was a breech if privacy, the dsd is still a child.
I think there is a discussion to have with her about the OP.
I’m wondering if her dad isn’t trying too hard to show how amazing the OP is (see the comments about how lucky his children are to have the OP in their life.

Maybe what he needs to do is to have a conversation with his Dd to see what is and isnt working for her when she is staying at yours. Does she enjoy the ‘going out and buying clothes with the OP?’
And conversations about gossiping/bullying people too. I mean being grumpy because you think X is trying too hard/doing this and that is laughable is one thing. A discussion about whether the OP can have more children and laughing about it is an attack and vile imo. It’s not just airing feelings and finding a parent/step parent a pain.
What should NOT happen is ending up slagging the mother (who actually has an important and active part in that) because the OP/DH would only end up putting themselves at that level. But I know I would struggle to tolerate that sort of conversation about anyone from my own dcs.

How would your step-daughter feel if she discovered you’d been writing about her on a public forum? Is it better or worse than having a private conversation with her mother about you?

Exactly. She's venting. We all do it. There are any number of conversations I've had with people that I wouldn't have wanted the subject to overhear/read. And not because I'm a bitch, because I'm not. Sometimes it's just a bit of frustration with regard to someone we otherwise love.

As pp mentioned most apps are for over 16s. Fucking right I check my kids phones!

I feel sorry for the kids who's parents don't check them. Have you not read the thread about the 14 year old girl whose bf wanted to wank in her face then slap her? Think all parents of teenagers should read it!! Some very innocent, naive parents out there.

Anyway I digress, the OP isn't interested in people's thoughts about checking phones, it's how to deal with the hurt!

Teenagers say horrendous things OP, my daughters can be vile. Genuinely heartbreaking stuff. But I know they love me. That's what teenagers do.

Don't spoil your lovely relationship by stepping back. You will regret it.

There is a massive lack of support for step mums on here. So many replies are against OP blaming her for snooping. Mumsnet can be great, but there is too much discrimination against step mums for my liking.

You have a valid reason for being hurt OP. I had a very similar situation, but in my case the mother is the driving force with DSD being a passenger in her hurt train. It's made me back-off quite a lot from the whole relationship, but not in a nasty way, I just disengage and leave DH and DSD to do their own thing mostly. I do occasionally tag along but it's usually quite awkward. You'll find your own way of dealing with it, it's not easy. Disengagement is the only way I could deal with it.

You are really minimising the fact that you and her dad read her messages to and from her mum

And you're concentrating on how you feel

I think reading her private messages to her mum is bang out of order. Horrible of you to do that imo

How would your step-daughter feel if she discovered you’d been writing about her on a public forum? Is it better or worse than having a private conversation with her mother about you?

And this ^

And you're concentrating on how you feel

sorry, why shouldn't op be concentrating on how she feels? or does it not matter how op feels?

a child bitching about their step mother is very different to a child bitching about their parents. They (mostly) have a love for their parents and its most probably lashing out, its generally not like that with step parents, is it?

I think you're all very naïve saying "oh she doesn't mean it just be niiiiiiiice to her"

she may well mean it.

OP - do not be the 'awful step-mum' (I'm not saying you are) but by distancing yourself after seeing these messages you are only going to prove both her and her mother right (depending on the content of the messages that is).

Treat her like you would your own daughter, do not take a step back, act as though you know nothing and don't change a thing (if anything try and improve).

I had an AWFUL step mother as a child, she was my step mum from the age of being 2 years and 26 years later still is. I never saw her as a mother figure, she never treated me like a daughter or even close to how she treated her other daughters. I was always an inconvenience in her life, never felt cared for loved or welcome in my fathers home with her. She never even encouraged my father to treat me right. It was awful. Don't be that step mum. Love her and care for her like she was your own, prove her and her mother wrong.

This is the only and best advice I can give, without knowing the content of the messages or how your currently treat her etc

Just take a step back. It was a private conversation and she didn't actually say anything particularly bad. The mother sounds insecure about your relationship with her and the fact you may have more kids with her ex. She is stuck in the middle and probably knows her mother doesn't want to hear good things about you.

Don't make this more than it needs to be. Don't tell her you saw it and don't change your behaviour. Leave things as they are.

I wouldn't enjoy being married to the kind of man who did this. I like men with dignity and class. Trying to play three women off against each other is yick.

I can't believe the amount of parents here who don't check their CHILD'S phone but yet think they're superior parents for not doing so. Crazy.

My DP is very angry with her and wants to talk in out as hes always said his children ( there are 2 boys also) have been so lucky to end up with me and the effort I go to for them.

They're not lucky though are they? They've been through the break up of their parents presumably and now have to fit into a blended family. She's 15, I would be really hurt by reading that too so I sympathise with you but he's her dad and needs to be a bit more understanding

ITrying to play three women off against each other is yick

how exactly is he playing off 2 women and a girl off against eachother?

sorry, why shouldn't op be concentrating on how she feels? or does it not matter how op feels?

She can concentrate on how she feels, yes

But imo reading a child's private messages to her own mother is wrong and the OP seems to want to brush that horrible transgression under the carpet to concentrate on her 'poor me' chat.

I think that's one sided and self serving

This is not “checking a phone”. I don’t, but I understand why people do. This is reading 4 weeks of messages between a girl and her mother. Two completely different things.

And yes of courSe the OP is hurt and upset and has a perfect right to feel like that. It must be awful. But as a grown up she needs to deal with those feelings without involving her sd.

*OP - do not be the 'awful step-mum' (I'm not saying you are) but by distancing yourself after seeing these messages you are only going to prove both her and her mother right (depending on the content of the messages that is).

Treat her like you would your own daughter, do not take a step back, act as though you know nothing and don't change a thing (if anything try and improve)*

The messages said she was trying too hard, so no she would not be proving the SD and mother right by backing off. She shouldn't need to "improve", her only crime has been to put in apparently too much effort already. She shouldn't have to break her back to put in even more work when it isn't appreciated.

OP it would of course have been ideal if your DH hadn't opened this message given that there was no safeguarding risk with them, and chances are she didn't mean it and was going along with her mum, but if I were you I would take a step back. It's not nice to mock people for trying hard for you and if that's the level of gratitude she has then why bother so much. If she notices you're not doing as much as you used to and seems to miss that from you then win win, you have had some respect for yourself and she has learned not to be scornful of people who are kind to her.

What they were saying about you possibly not being able to have children was very unkind, too, and it would put me off making a large amount of effort.

I can't believe the amount of parents here who don't check their CHILD'S phone but yet think they're superior parents for not doing so. Crazy.

I do check my child's phone. I will randomly ask for it and tell them why.
What I would not do is proceed to read private messages between my child and their father without the childs consent unless I had avery good reason to.