Why did we look at the phone!

[Songbird232018]

I just need a vent...so my partner has just found text messages on my SDs (15) phone between her and her mother basically slagging me off and being quite nasty.

Both have had equal input it's not the mother forcing the daughter into her opinion from what I can read...which would probably make this easier if it were. I feel so angry I just want to throw all the xmas presents I have got for her in the bin and take a huge step back out her life.

I know I need to try and be a little more rational. I just feel a bloody mug right now!!

Shes not certain we have seen these but I think she has an inclination due to my change in attitude! Help!

The child’s father was checking her phone. As is advisable and recommended by many people who have to deal with the fall out from cyber bullying, online predators, self harm websites etc etc etc

Not the case, is it? I teach for a living. Have seen the impact of cyber bullying. Totally get it. But at 15, if I were to check my son’s messages between him and my ex, I am pretty sure I wouldn’t like what I saw. Both ex and my son are entitled to privacy in their relationship.

If the father was checking for predators or bullying then why the need to load up the messages to her mother?

Exactly. Very deliberate. You kind of get what you deserved really. It was never going to end well.

The fact that the messages are to/from the mother are the key thing here.

It could be an element of trying to make the mother feel better. Feeling guilty of enjoying herself at yours, so somehow counteracting that by messaging her mother to the contrary.

Teens message nasty things about their own parents to each other. They think they look cool.

I know it's so easy to say, but I look back at teen me, and I'd slate people on the TV with my mother, "look at the state"..."oh she's too old/short/tall/young to wear that"...and I actually had no idea what I was talking about or remotely thought those things at all, I was just mimicking my mother.

You will of course take this personally. You'd have to be pretty wooden not too. Honestly, I'd really urge you not too.

Honestly if my mum or dad had read messages between me and someone else when I was 15 they wouldn't have liked what they saw either. It's just the way 15 year olds are. Plus she feels loyalty to her mum so even if she loves you completely she'd be unlikely to be singing your praises to her mum. Please try and put it out of your mind and don't let it change your relationship with her. And don't ever let her know you looked at her phone because that really WOULD destroy your relationship with her.

Oh dear.

My DD is about that age and has a stepmother and I do not even really ever discuss her with DD. I also do not go through DD’s phone and I would be absolutely furious if her dad or stepmother read her texts with me. That is seriously overstepping.

So I can see that the conversation between DSD and her mum was hurtful and out of order but I think the fact that you and her dad read it, not only one text but four weeks, is way worse. That was not accidental but snooping, and nothing good comes of that.

I agree with @Orangerocks and @Sotiredofthislife.

You should not be looking at a private conversation between a mother and daughter, even if you did see your name. No good was ever going to come of that.

I believe you should treat your SC in the same way you woukd treat your own kids. I wouldn’t be making a huge effort for my own teen if I found him having such low opinions about me.

I used to feel that I had to ally with my very insecure mum by slagging my dads new wife off. It got me attention from my mum and made us feel like a team.
I doubt she means much of it. You’d be superwoman not to take it personally, but try not to. Neither of them have converted themselves in glory, but the mum should be showing the v way here, and she’s obviously not.

I think you were both really really out of order reading her messages and have no right to punish her because of your snooping. Even the conversation with her friend is tenuous to be honest.

Obviously she's not going to defend you to her mum, who is also in the wrong here. All three of you parents need to grow the duxk
fuck up.

Sometimes I think there is an underworld of lies and deceit that exists free and unchallenged because it doesn’t matter if your partner is cheating, your child is in drugs or your SC is slagging you with someone else, nothing of that is important

... nothing of that is important, but that you dared to have a look at their phone.

Looking bath phone monitoring toxic friendships. Ok

Looking at convos between her and her mum. Bad bad bad.

It’s complicated, she most likely meant 1%. I used to slag off my SIL with my mum cos she loved it! She hates SIL and we would have a mega moan about her.

Didn’t mean much if it though! Said it to keep on with my mum.

Don’t think about it.

I’m sorry
That must be so hurtful

Wow. There is a (I feel) a fair level of full blown ignorance on this thread. Let me spell a few things out.

1. At 15, most applications (including Whatsapp and most social media apps) are actually not allowed before 16/18. And yet most children have these apps way before the legally permissable ages.

2. until such time that a young adult can operate / take legal liability for the apps on the phone (read the permissions you sign up to parents when you allow your children family permissions), it would be actively neglectful to not check your children’s messages / interactions from time to time. (Are all of you telling me you have never spot checked your child’s phone???!).

3. I pay for my children’s phone. I pay for my childrens phone bill. My children benefit from my spotify family subscribtion/ Amazon prime/ Netflix. Until such time I pay for those I have every right (and will) actively and randomly check my children’s phones. If they have an issue, tough luck.

4. I operate on this basis. OpenlY. Both myself and my exh will spot check out Dc’s phones with zero notice. Every app, browsing history, the works.

The rest? Well it’s not rocket science is it?

Don’t blame the child but be the adult. Her mum has been childish and unkind - especially the comments about how many children you may or may not want. But the daughter is just being a typical teenager stuck between a super-kind step mum who can be nice because she’s not there all the time and a jealous mum who may feel threatened by your positive and kind attitude.

Step back a bit in terms of doing special stuff but don’t be cold to her. Model forgiveness. Forgive her the words you read; she is a child. However - I’d be quietly wary and cautious where her mother is concerned.

(Are all of you telling me you have never spot checked your child’s phone???!)

All the time. I don’t feel the need to check on the relationship between my son and ex.

I also pay for his phone. I pay for everything, actually. I still don’t think that gives me a right to interfere in their relationship.

My DP is very angry with her and wants to talk in out as hes always said his children ( there are 2 boys also) have been so lucky to end up with me and the effort I go to for them.

Read that back to yourself. And imagine that you're 15 and dealing with being in a step family. And imagine your dad wants you to be grateful and happy about it.

I mean seriously.

"Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves".

It’s one thing for a parent to openly check their child’s phone. But to sneak through it because she left it unlocked is disgusting. She probably won’t trust you again. Quite rightly.

The dynamics of step/blended families is fraught!
She's a child, her parents and her family life have stopped and fractured, you've come in and now have a relationship with her dad, her mum probably stirs the pot, but she's a kid! Don't be unkind, relate to her, she loves her dad and mum I'm sure so she won't want to go against them hence the messages to her mum, but you never really know what's going on in her head - you're an adult, you've actively put yourself into her life so now try to support her, if there are private discussions about you and you don't like it, then either ask her if you're causing her pain or upset, and what you can do to help
She's stuck in the middle with no get out til she's grown up, support her, it's part of your job after accepting her dad as your partner- he comes with baggage you need to help support

I personally wouldn't take stuff about you trying too hard as an insult!! How can you get offended at that? It doesn't sound a mean thing to me. I'd be quite chuffed if my SD texted her mum to say that. I'd be far more upset about seeing her say I couldn't be arsed, didn't care etc. That would be pointing out a far nastier trait than trying hard to please!

I think you're also reading too much into the bit about not being able to have children. I can't have children, and would prefer someone realise that is in fact a possibility, rather than it just being a choice. It sounds more empathetic to me than judgemental.

Kids are pleasers and in a separated family situation often tell each parent what they think will make them happy. Most kids won't stick up for a step parent to a parent however much they like them and are happy to spend time with them. When parents encourage or collude with this you really can't blame the kid. Of course you are hurt but I really would try not to let it destroy what sounds like a good relationship between you and your stepdaughter.

We get on really well and I'll admit I maybe do try hard because shes the only girl in our lives so I try to do clothes shopping and chat and chick flicks etc I bet she bloody loves you! If her mum has six kids, does she do these things with her mum? Her mum could be jealous and the poor 15 year old has to keep everyone happy.
Put it out of your mind. You both shouldn’t have read the messages between mother and daughter - that really was snooping.
Forgive yourself but forgive SD too 🙂

Kids slag their parents off never mind their step parents at that age. When dd was a teen we got along ok most of the time but I’m sure she slagged me off to her mates. She certainly slagged me off to my face sometimes!

Please don’t punish her and look at her differently. She’s very young still, and we all do different levels of limited bitching about people we love behind their backs (well, I do!). In your head, pretend the messages never happened and that she loves you. Otherwise she will sense your coolness and it will be downhill going forwards.

I said dreadful things about my step mother. Even though she was always kind and caring and made a huge effort with me.
Honestly, take it with a huge pinch of salt. You don't deserve the nasty things she wrote. But its silly kid stuff and dredging it up and making her explain herself will create a bigger barrier.
Rise above it and move on

Have you never privately said something mean about someone you actually loved? Not even to your mum?

Her mum sounds childish and insecure, and your SD sounds like she is trying to placate her mum. I really think it is a terrible breach of trust to read private messages between a mum and a daughter. I also don't think your SD said anything very bad, though I understand that the tone must be extremely hurtful. Please don't let this ruin, or even affect, your good relationship with her.

On another note, my friend read her 15 year old son's diary once and found he was writing all kinds of terrible things about her, including saying she had hit him (completely untrue) and lots of other terrible stuff. She never told him she had seen it and 10 years later they have a very close and loving relationship.