Why did we look at the phone!

[Songbird232018]

I just need a vent...so my partner has just found text messages on my SDs (15) phone between her and her mother basically slagging me off and being quite nasty.

Both have had equal input it's not the mother forcing the daughter into her opinion from what I can read...which would probably make this easier if it were. I feel so angry I just want to throw all the xmas presents I have got for her in the bin and take a huge step back out her life.

I know I need to try and be a little more rational. I just feel a bloody mug right now!!

Shes not certain we have seen these but I think she has an inclination due to my change in attitude! Help!

Let’s get real here. Your stepdaughter is unlikely to be messaging her mum saying ‘I quite like Songbird, she’s so easygoing compared with you and she makes a much better spag bol’. Even if those things are true she’s not going to say it to her mum!

We all say/write/think bitchy horrible, things about other people in private. we see it all the time in this site, it’s called venting. They are the worst things we think about those people not everything we think and feel about those people. If they stay private no harm is done.

I understand why your partner checked his daughters phone but once he had ascertained she was safe he should have respected her privacy and kept her messages to himself. What possible good did he think telling you would do? You have the opportunity to come in here and vent privately about your annoyance and dislike but your SD has had the right taken from her.

If you are serious about your partner this young woman is going to be part of your life forever. Don’t let something she wrote that was never meant to get back to you destroy your relationship at this early stage. Be the adult here, put this behind you and move on with a positive attitude.

Do people really believe that being Draconian about spot checking your children's phones really works?

Especially with the ability to delete browser history and apps like Snapchat not storing messages.

For all those saying you shouldn't check messages between a parent and child - I do. I have bloody good reason to, my ex is an unstable twat and awful influence. We've had everything from him texting our son being racist about the nurses whilst he was in hospital (overdose) calling my husband a cunt, and the latest threatening to return my son's Christmas presents if he didn't go visit.
None of which is ok for a child to hear, all of which we've discussed in a suitable way with my now 15 year old.
I have addressed issues with my ex as well, but my son needs to know there are consequences and certain behaviour is unacceptable.

It's not always wrong to monitor the relationship between a child and parent. I'd think myself a neglectful parent if I didn't under the circumstances.

For what it's worth OP, my son has called me names as has my daughter in messages to friends. I leave it a day or so until everyone's calm then ask what I did to make them feel that way. Most of the time I get a reasonable answer (in teen logic) eg you made me do homework that wasn't due for a week before I went out with my mates. I say, oh, well this is it from my point of view and it's dropped.
It's a way of them knowing I see what's going on, they don't get punished but do reflect on things said in the heat of the moment.
Perhaps in a day or two ask what you've done to make her feel this way?

Of course it doesn't work. Parents do it because they are nosy. It's the same as reading someone's diary.

AmIAWeed
at 15 your son should tell you about the messages if he finds them upsetting. There is nothing to be achieved by reading messages behind his back.

@AmIAWeed it is still wrong in that scenario 100%.
If you can’t trust a texting relationship with your ex and your child, they probably shouldn’t be in your child’s life at all.
You are trying to control a relationship and that is wrong.

At 15, your dcs should have a phone lock on. To stop nosy parents with nothing better to do people compromising the security of their phones.

You are bang out of order and intrusive. She is entitled to privacy.

Please, please don't confront her about it. There is absolutely no shame in "trying hard" in your relationship with a stepchild, especially with a new baby around, that's what you should be doing so good on you! You should feel proud of the efforts you make!

Some people will always deal with feelings like jealousy and insecurity, by bitching about others who are setting a good example, and try to drag them down. Maybe this girl's mother is one of them.

Your stepdaughter is still young and impressionable and luckily she has you as an alternative role model so please boot this crap out of your mind and keep on doing what you are doing. Rise above and ignore and focus on all the good things.

I have a 15yr old DD. They are very emotional and easily swept along with things. I am sure she is just appeasing her mum and trying to make her feel better and is actually nothing against you-from your description it sounds like you get on well and have a great relationship.

The person in the wrong there is her mother for using her like this as an emotional crutch and for behaving like a teenager herself IMO.

Please don’t ask her about this. There isnMt a good outcome. If she’s just venting to her mum and doesn't really mean it she will be so guilty and upset that you’ve read it and are hurt. If she does mean it, it’ll just make it worse. Try and carry on as normal. Remember you’re the grown up here. Sometimes that means absorbing the crap and moving on.

Your partner is out of order for checking personal messages between a mother and a daughter. The messages clearly have 'mum' or whatever at the top so why not just scroll and check things like ones from friends and random spot checks. Highly instructive, a breach of trust. She can think what she likes and say what she likes in trust and confidence to her own mum.

Don't distance yourself from her. There'll be a way DH can let it be know he's seen the messages and you are hurt by them. You can be the bigger person by letting her know you won't let it affect your relationship.

As a previous poster has said, you don't know how it feels to be jealous that you think your dad loves someone more than you. It's a tough square to circle. She is allowed a safe space to vent and who better than to her mother.

She sounds a nice girl, as she matures she'll appreciate you being a good step mum to her.

What a great attitude Zampa, your DSD must feel very conflicted sometimes.

Absolutely no way should you or your dp ever let her know that you’ve seen them. It’s the sort of thing that’s very hard to forgive. Oscar winning acting from both of you until you’ve got over it. And you will. It’s not very nice- but it happens.

I'll bet she's prob said vile things about her mum to others and her dad too. She obv off loading and it is sensitive that she's chosen her mum to offload about you and be mean. Par for the course for 15 year olds I'm afraid.

Not sure what your hubby hoped to achieve showing you these.

Now you do know though, what is the next step? I am not sure. Of course, you are bound to have hurt feelings but also frustratingly dont have the luxury of flouncing around like a 15 year old.

I am not sure whether you could take her out for a you and her activity that you enjoy and discuss that you have heard about the text messages and hope that she feels she can come to you with issues and together move forward. Try to keep on the higher ground and coach her into better things ... which is easier said than done.

"Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves".

This. ^

@Trewser @Jellybeansincognito My son is well aware I go through his phone, I do it with him. Same with my daughter.
Nothing secret or underhand about it - often my son gives me his phone and asks what he should do about messages. The one about my husband for example he didn't show me as he thought i'd be upset. Again we talked it through.
It was the opposite, his Dad has said something vile, He hadn't responded, totally ignored the comment which under the circumstances was the best thing to do and I told him this.

My kids drive me insane, 13 year old daughter especially - but I am incredibly proud that we can talk about issues regardless of how uncomfortable I feel about it.

Or we can stay silent, let resentment build up and come out in ways that aren't appropriate - like ignoring a step child and leave them guessing what the might have done wrong

Is it seperated parents that do this more because they are mistrustful and resentful of the child's relationship with the ex partner?

At 15, your son should have the chance to develop his own relationship with his father, whether you like it or not. If he comes to you and shows you then that's a different matter.

Unless you’re doing it in private, at times they least expect there’s absolutely no point in looking at their phones. They’ll just keep deleting things that they want to remain private.

If you trust your kids so much OP and value that they talk to you, why are you still looking at their phones?
Your 2 stories are written differently and even with the second.. it’s still not ok.

I think step parents are easy scapegoats for teenage tempers and if there aren't step parents the parents get it. I know my own DDs slagged me off a lot to their pals - one said when she came round she was really surprised that I was so normal! I know I thought my parents were mean, unfair, moody, unreasonable.

But it must be so much tougher for SPs to hear it all because I guess it's more difficult to react or deal with it directly.

Sorry you saw this OP

I complained about my parents and step-parents all the time to each other, to my friends, to my diary. And I talked about how great they were all the time to each other, to my friends, to my diary. That's part of being a teen and living life. You love someone one moment, want to strangle them the next.

Be the adult in the relationship. Punishing her for her private thoughts will just make it a lot worse.

I remember my own DD used to complain to her friends about me and DH a lot when she was a teenager. It's what teenagers do. They can be very cruel it's not just a stepchild thing. Of course there is the added complication that she may also still want her parents to be together do she may see you as the person stopping that, whatever the reality, teenagers are not always rational..You shouldn't have seen it and now you have to be the adult and just brush it off. It wasn't meant for you to see anyway. And you do not know that she really means it.

You’re husband shouldn’t have read the messages but I think most people if they saw their partners name in a text would have a look.
You can’t unsee the messages now that’s the point so you have to decide what to do.
If it was me I would probably find an opportunity to praise sd for something and say how well her dm and df have brought her up.
Carry on being the kind and loving sm it will pay dividends in the future.
But don’t be a pushover, there’s a difference and when someone tries too hard it can be irritating.
The mischief maker in me would also be tempted to joke that you’re having twins and won’t it be great because you didn’t think you could have any more.

How would your step-daughter feel if she discovered you’d been writing about her on a public forum? Is it better or worse than having a private conversation with her mother about you?

We’re all entitled to feel how we feel and to have some privacy to express those feelings, particularly to our own parents. You and your husband have seriously - and intentionally - betrayed that privacy.