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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Why did we look at the phone!

214 replies

Songbird232018 · 04/12/2019 21:05

I just need a vent...so my partner has just found text messages on my SDs (15) phone between her and her mother basically slagging me off and being quite nasty.

Both have had equal input it's not the mother forcing the daughter into her opinion from what I can read...which would probably make this easier if it were. I feel so angry I just want to throw all the xmas presents I have got for her in the bin and take a huge step back out her life.

I know I need to try and be a little more rational. I just feel a bloody mug right now!!

Shes not certain we have seen these but I think she has an inclination due to my change in attitude! Help!

OP posts:
Onesnowballshort · 05/12/2019 06:54

Being her sm doesn't make you immune to the anger of a teenage girl! I'm sure she has said at least as bad things to her mum on occasion.
You really can't tell her you've seen and all sorts will kick off - particularly from the mother wondering why her ex is checking up on her. But you could have a chat with her about your relationship in general. Basically you need to be the bigger person here.

Polkagirls · 05/12/2019 07:03

I agree with what custardbear wrote.
She is still a child. I also think her mother is the reprehensible one here. Whatever her thoughts about you, she should be encouraging harmony for her daughter’s sake.

chamenanged · 05/12/2019 07:07

2) until such time that a young adult can operate / take legal liability for the apps on the phone (read the permissions you sign up to parents when you allow your children family permissions), it would be actively neglectful to not check your children’s messages / interactions from time to time. (Are all of you telling me you have never spot checked your child’s phone???!).

That really does not apply to reading your boyfriend's daughter's text conversation with her other parent.

Trewser · 05/12/2019 07:10

Eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves.

Trewser · 05/12/2019 07:12

I have never spot checked my dds phones. What a weird concept. Don't let your dcs have phones if you feel the need to be nosy eavesdrop.

Stooshie8 · 05/12/2019 07:12

The DH is probably the guiltiest here. he shouldn't have read the txtx - if he did read them he should have mentioned them to DD or Dex in a I'm disappointed to read way. He would get put firmly in his place by ex I should think for 'spying'. And a quiet word with DD might have got an apology or an explanation.
Bad form to show it to you.

Trewser · 05/12/2019 07:12

And remind your dd to set a lock screen.

Tigger001 · 05/12/2019 07:14

Read that back to yourself. And imagine that you're 15 and dealing with being in a step family. And imagine your dad wants you to be grateful and happy about it

I have to agree with this.

TisTheSeasonToBeJollyFaLaLa · 05/12/2019 07:17

Sorry but why exactly was your husband reading messages between a 15 year old girl and her mother? Not going to find many predators under the conversation named “mum” now is he? He was snooping on private conversations, no sympathy I’m afraid.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/12/2019 07:19

I would be taking a massive step back op. She doesnt have to like you but equally you owe her nothing. 15 is old enough to know that you dont say nasty things about someone else to make mummy happy.

I think there is an awful lot of hypocrisy on this thread and all the posters saying its fine probably wouldn't like it either, but because youre a step mum and not a "real mum" your feelings dont matter.

BalloonSlayer · 05/12/2019 07:22

I expect it is a way of bonding with her Mum, who is worried about losing the love of her DD to the new stepmother.

Even the things she said were telling - you "try too hard." In other words you do lots of nice things with DSD that her Mum can't what with having 6 kids, and so her Mum doesn't worry, she says to her Mum: "oh yeah, Songbird took me shopping and bought me this < eyeroll > she's soooo tryhard."

Give her a break, she's trying to please everyone and, may I say it, actually sounds like a bit of a diplomat.

The thing about having more DCs, well some women are competitive about the number of children they have. Mum might be one of those "ooh I'm so fertile, me" sorts what with her 6 DCs, so wants to think you're having problems. And SD doesn't want to say you are only having one DC out of choice, as it could seem like a judgement to someone with a lot of kids, so she implies you can't have any more. As I say, quite the diplomat, till you found the messages and read them. Sad Not judging that BTW, I expect I would have done the same.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/12/2019 07:27

Shes not being diplomatic at all. Shes being awful. Being diplomatic would be saying nothing.

B0bbin · 05/12/2019 07:29

Some of the things I wrote (in a diary in those days) about my parents when I was that age are just awful. I now have a lovely relationship with them and would hate for them to ever see those hormone- induced rants. I feel for you. It's a shame you can't unsee those messages. I hope you can all get past it, with time... Flowers

thegreylady · 05/12/2019 07:30

It sounds as though she is trying to please her mum by agreeing with whatever her mum says. Trying too hard is better than not trying at all and mum is obviously jealous of your relationship.
Sadly my dsd and I have been estranged for 13 years after 17 years of a good relationship. Yours is only 15 and it sounds as though you are building a solid and loving relationship with her, don’t spoil it now.

Sparklybaublefest · 05/12/2019 07:32

I would have never spoken kindly about my sm to my dm. It is a positive that you are on their mind perhaps.

thekaiserswife · 05/12/2019 07:37

My 15DD and her friends slag off their real mums to each other all the time (in a very nasty way) - teen girls can have a very 'love/hate' relationship with their female role models. So not unusual to be venting about you.

It's shitty it was with her DM, and very childish of the DM to try to drive a wedge in your relationship, she sounds insecure and threatened by you.

Just carry on 'doing you' OP, she will mature from a teen one day and finally appreciate you for all you have done for her.

MarshaBradyo · 05/12/2019 07:40

The messages are nasty and I can see why you’d feel hurt. But he shouldn’t have looked, even for the reasons he did. It’s sad as I can see why you’d feel like backing off but maybe see if you can find a way to repair in some way.

nameymcnamechangeagain · 05/12/2019 07:41

It’s not nice of course, but I remember what I was like at 15!! I think as step parents we probably have to expect it sometimes Confused

PenelopeFlintstone · 05/12/2019 07:42

In your head, pretend the messages never happened and that she loves you. Otherwise she will sense your coolness and it will be downhill going forwards. This.
Some OPs are ignoring the pressure that DSD may be under and expecting too much from a 15 year old whose loyalties are torn. And she did think this was a private conversation and didn’t know you would hear it for her words to hurt you.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 05/12/2019 07:42

I think you have to be the bigger person about this. She is only 15 and probably really appreciates your support and try hard attitude. The mother doesn't sound very nice and that is a difficult dynamic to manage as a teenager.

Jellybeansincognito · 05/12/2019 07:45

Why are you/ her dad reading her private text messages to her own mother? So out of order.

Trewser · 05/12/2019 07:47

I am sure if I'd read my dds messages over the years I would have seen something I didn't like! That's partly why I've never done it. I agree with the posters who have said be the bigger person, put the messages out of your head and carry on as normal.

MarshaBradyo · 05/12/2019 07:48

Your dp must have known nothing good would come from sharing the messages with you or were you next to him when he looked or decide to look together. She does deserve privacy at 15.

Agree with pp about moving on now and remember the bitter feeling is most likely driven by the mother.

Shodan · 05/12/2019 07:50

I can't believe you and your husband (and some posters) are trying to excuse your snooping through your stepdaughter's private messages between her and her mother.

Shameful.

Quartz2208 · 05/12/2019 07:52

The problem is that as PP have said spot checking messages from friends is her but between her and her mother is not on at all. Those do not need checking and are private. You snooped
Also am I right in thinking she said she found you tried to hard is there any truth in that because if that is all she said it maybe at 15 she is struggling with the parameters of your relationship and that is ok

The other bit about having more children yes it’s hurtful but it was between mother and daughter who can honestly say they haven’t gossiped with their mum because of the expectation that it would go no further

Tread very carefully here you have both crossed privacy boundaries (because a conversation with a parent never needs checking) and what she has said about trying too hard may well be how she feels and that is fine

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