Wedding Issues

[Star455]

Hi there. I'm after some advice regarding my step daughter's wedding. A little bit of background - my dh and I have been together for 20 years. We have three children together and he has two grown up daughters from his first marriage.

We have always been present in his daughters lives, they stayed with us every weekend, paid maintenance religiously etc. The eldest daughter and I have always had a fractious relationship. She has always resented her father remarrying and was horrified at us having our children.

Over the years she has made it quite obvious she doesn't see them as her siblings, she never bothers with their birthdays or takes an interest in their lives. She is obviously polite to them when she visits her dad but that's about as far as it goes.

Now to the current issue. She has just got engaged and is planning the wedding. She wants the full works - three course meal, top table etc. She plans to have her mother and father on the top table, along with the groom's parents and her step father. Also the groom's brother and her full sibling.

She wants to have a child free wedding but has extended the courtesy of inviting our three children (ages 5, 10 and 12). However, she does not want them to be part of the wedding party and I am not allowed on the top table.

This is obviously a very public slur towards us and I'm not sure how to approach it. My children and I are literally the only immediate family to not be involved in the wedding party. We are to be seated alone on a random table.

Her mother has many friends attending the wedding (rightly so), we are not allowed any. She also wants £3,500 pounds from us towards the cost of it all.

Would I be unreasonable to say thanks but no thanks- my children and I will not be attending?

Oh, hold on. I've misread. Shes invited you and DSSiblings to the church, the wedding meal and the day but just not onto the top table or as bridesmaids. That's fair enough. I think she's been very fair. Scrap what I said earlier, I thought you meant just to wedding evening.

Thanks everyone. I'm not a horrible person as some posters are trying to suggest. I genuinely want her to have the best day. In answer to the question 'who would the children sit with?' - their grandparents, aunt or uncle are all possibilities.

I don't think my sd is being unreasonable and it seems I'm coming across as demanding - I'm really not. I just know for a fact that my children and I are being snubbed and wondered if it would be reasonable for me to not attend to save myself from embarrassment.

I've taken all your comments on board. Thanks again.

You aren’t her mother though you didn’t raise her you saw her on the weekend. Raising a child is being in there life regularly not just a weekend visit. She entitled to have who she feels closest to on the top table and that’s her step father so be it, it’s not a snub at all and you have no right to feel snubbed because you’re precious darling haven’t been asked to be bridesmaids and you cannot invite you’re friends. You know you have a poor relationship with her so what you given is a lot considering. Where you the ow by any chance?

I would tell her that's it's her wedding so she needs to pay! She thinks it's acceptable to demand money and not include you fully???? Ridiculous she needs to grow up. It's perfectly reasonable to have you, the children and her step father seated adjacent to to the top table (there's only so much room) but the kids should be included as flower girls, page boys or ushers

This is one of those threads where by it would be interesting to hear the brides POV.

I have been nothing but polite and respectful but some posters are insisting on being rude.

I was absolutely not the other woman- my sd's mum was actually having an affair with my husband's best friend (sd's god father). I've tried not to get personal with mud slinging but some people seem intent on villifying me into the wicked step mother!

My dh was party to a conversation between his daughter and her mother joking about putting me and the kids in our place at the wedding- there are other things I could mention but I don't want to get into a slanging match.

It's actually really hurtful and I just want to save myself the embarrassment.

OP

being a step mum is shit!

It may feel hurtful but I think it’s best to rise above the hurt & be as gracious as you can. It is only for one day & you can be with your DH for all of it accept the meal.

I'm not feeling your posts as unreasonable OP , but that your expectations of your DSD's wedding and your close involvement are a tad too presumptious. Of course it would be nice if
DC and you were more involved but it doesn't sound like that's the history of their and your relationship with DSD.

Be the lovely SM you have been so far and attend, as you'll regret it otherwise. Be kind and happy for your DSD and that she invited you despite the challenges. That's a HUGE deal and you'll be there to share an amazing day with her!! Whilst her Dad gets a big role and top table!!

My DC right now are adamant that even though I have no partner they want a male.friend of mine to ealk.them.doen the aisel or me.rather than their Dad, as he's never been a reliable Dad and has been pretty shit sometimes, much as I've tried to hide it. I will leave it all up to them (as they may change their minds in time and won't get dragged into anyone fixing on views before it's needed. So he has 10ish years to pull his shit together!)

This type of stuff is the exact reason I fucked off to a registry office.

My brothers wedding was just a ball of anxiety and stress. My Dad warmed my brother before hand that he'd be angry if my Mam was in more photos than my stepmam, that my stepmam better be sat closer to them than my Mam.

That if one of my mama siblings went to the wedding then they have the let one of my stepmams siblings go too. That they should bump friends they're close to off the list to include stepmams parents who we've seen three times during their whole marriage.

Stepmam wouldn't accept our half sister not being part of the wedding party and deliberately put them in dresses to match the wedding party.

My Dad made a lot of demands all for fear of including our own mother in her own child's wedding more than his third wife.

Dad also threw a tantrum when I sat closer to my mam than stepmam. When my brother said my Dad is not making a speech that only sils dad will be making one, dad called it favouritism and sils Dad ended up being pressured to not to father of the bride to cut his speech very short so dad could do one.

What does your DH think?

Is it not possible for him to sit with you and your children for the meal and just go up to the top table for speeches?

I have step parents both of whom I am fond of. We decided not to have a top table at our wedding precisely to avoid this situation.

My dh was party to a conversation between his daughter and her mother joking about putting me and the kids in our place at the wedding

What you can’t see is they haven’t done anything to ‘put you in your place’. You have been invited (as have your children) to a CHILD FREE wedding. You’re annoyed at not being sat at the top table and have said you may not go simply because you’re not getting your own way and your children aren’t part often bridal party. I’m beginning to wonder what the bride’s side of the story is tbh.

I think you're being very honest here OP. You admit your relationship was difficult but that you've still hurt, and hurt you are entitled to be.

You accept though that it is her choice and that you'll be better not going. Sadly, what might seem like just a bit of friction on one side of a relationship can be much more strained on the other.

As for the money, it's really down to your oh to decide what to give. That should take into consideration what he can and want to pay ensuring it doesn't affect you and your children directly.

Is everybody missing the point that the three kids aren't just the OP's? They are also her dh's & therefore they are this young woman's half siblings! Therefore she is NOT being gracious making an exception to the no children rule for them - she's doing exactly what she should be doing - inviting all her siblings to her wedding (if it's a traditional wedding that's she's chosen & it seems like she has) - even if she's doing it with bad grace.
@Star455 she sounds like a right brat in my opinion & while I can fully understand her not wanting kids at the top table I do think that if she's not including you at the top table she should also not include her sf. In fact she's going to look a right diva on the day as it will be glaringly obvious to everyone what she's done & she will be putting her both her father & her stepdad in an awful position - not to mention you because despite what people will say on here I too have been at weddings where this type of stuff went on & yes people do notice & people do comment.
I think you can either suck it up for the sake of your dh & your kids or you can decline. In your position I'd take my dh's pulse on this but I myself would probably decline as I think she has some nerve asking you & dh for money & then deciding all family will not be put on a level pegging, & in this case you ARE immediate family as you're the mother of her siblings.

I can see why you're hurt bc from your perspective you've done everything you can to try and build a relationship with her and include her as part of the new family that you and her dad built. The problem has always been and will always be that she won't ever feel like that is 'her' family. Some people can make it work, but some just can't. It doesn't mean that you did anything wrong. As divorce is so common, the unintended consequence (sometimes trauma) of it on children is often overlooked or ignored.

Your sd's family unit of mum, dad, siblings is gone, while your children's is in tact, and that can be hard to stomach - even as an adult.

I have a friend who married a man who was a child of his dad's 2nd marriage. His half siblings (all grown - in their 40s) always spent holidays with their mum but recently she died and now they want to spend holidays with their dad. This has put out her husband and his brother as they don't mind seeing their half siblings on Boxing Day,
Easter Monday, etc but they have always had just 'their' family (mum, dad, brothers) and now feel intruded on to have dad's children from his first marriage there. It makes me feel really sad for the children from his first marriage - they aren't really welcome as they aren't really family. Not saying this is the case for you.

I personally can understand your concern OP, especially in light of the comment about being "put in your place".

I see why you'd be tempted not to go.

Aside from the nasty comment, I don't think your SD has done anything wrong per se other than being inconsistent wrt to seating arrangements you and her SF.

The problem as I see it, is if you don't go you'll be the person left looking petty as the background of context won't be known.

It's easy enough on the day to say you wanted to sit with your children to anyone who might mention it and how lucky you are that DSD anticipated this wrt the seating plan. Easy way to neutralise any comments on the day and if DSD or her DM respond further they will just come across as inappropriately nasty.

Once the diner is done you and DH can sit together and enjoy the rest of the day/evening.

As such I'd try and be the better person here and attend.

As for the money it sounds somewhat cheeky and demanding to me but I'd let your DH deal with that.

For context.

If my brother had stepparents on top table then that would be and extra four seats as bother parents on both sides are divorced and re married. Including step siblings and half siblings there's another ten or so across all the blended families.

Add some of our parents have been married three times and the second blended lot are still around so not including step siblings from my dads second marriage would have been seen as a snub to them.

My adult stepson will be married next year and it wouldn't enter my head to expect to sat on top table. I wouldn't expect them to include my dd as bridesmaids so it wouldn't be seen as a snub. But then I know from experience what a nightmare it is planning around people's egos when there's several step parents and step siblings.

I hope I haven't upset OP by my post about being presumptious to anticipate more involvement for half siblings. It isn't meant horribly. But it is a fact of life in blended families and DSD has a right to.choose. She's invited halfsiblings but doesn't want them as bridesmaids. And steum is invited too. But not too table that is burgeoning already.

I don't think any of that is offensive. It's a day and they are all invited to the wedding. I'd take that, if I was in her position, as a huge win!! Showing you are important XXX 😍😎

I wish you all the best and hope that you do go. And enjoy the moment. Your DC can decide on who they invite and what to, and whether Half sisters DCs once they come along are bridesmaids/page boys or not.

*step mum not steum😃🙄

If she expects cash from your DH then he gets a say. If you aren't happy with what she wants tell her to pay for it herself.

The drip feed that she wants to put you in your place at her wedding does put a different perspective on things why did you not put that in your op?

Even though you were not part of the reason for their break-up it seems that as her Dad's "new wife" you will be resented and damned if you do and damned if you don't. Even though her mum was the one to cheat and wreck the marriage, you are competition to her mum and your DH's daughter. It's no different to a competitive and jealous relationship that DIL's, SIL's and MIL's have IMO. In fact it is worth.

You seem to have been a very reasonable StepM and tried to be harmonious. However, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. StepD is probably not allowed to be nice to you, even if she wanted to, as her mum probably has it in for you.

Personally I would suck it up and go to the wedding and not mention the money to your DH. However, I would now be telling myself that this is it now. Leave DH to his own devices when it comes to her and let him be tour leader (arranging visits, doing the shop and cooking, buying presents). Don't waste another moment on her. Be n ice, be pleasant and be polished but don't invest any more emotion into it.

How much time do you have till the wedding? I'd be going on a massive diet, having a total makeover and buying a fantastic dress and rocking up looking like a million dollars just to piss off her mum.

I didn't think brothers and sisters were part of top table anyway unless they have a job such as best man or bridesmaid. None of my brothers and sisters or dhs sat on the top table as theirs too many of them so I don't think she has slighted them at all. I sort of get your position but practically it makes more sense to sit with your kids surely than leave them on their own. Or maybe she doesn't see you as a main part of her family. It's hard to hear that I imagine but she has invited you so does see you as important.

In summary
She already has 10 people on the "top table"
She had invited you and kids to the whole thing. Yours are the only kids.
She has asked for 3.5k towards the costs.
None if that is unreasonable. Do not put your dh in an awkward position. Do not make your kids miss their sisters wedding