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Original poster

Wedding Issues

207 replies

Star455 · 21/04/2019 13:22

Hi there. I'm after some advice regarding my step daughter's wedding. A little bit of background - my dh and I have been together for 20 years. We have three children together and he has two grown up daughters from his first marriage.

We have always been present in his daughters lives, they stayed with us every weekend, paid maintenance religiously etc. The eldest daughter and I have always had a fractious relationship. She has always resented her father remarrying and was horrified at us having our children.

Over the years she has made it quite obvious she doesn't see them as her siblings, she never bothers with their birthdays or takes an interest in their lives. She is obviously polite to them when she visits her dad but that's about as far as it goes.

Now to the current issue. She has just got engaged and is planning the wedding. She wants the full works - three course meal, top table etc. She plans to have her mother and father on the top table, along with the groom's parents and her step father. Also the groom's brother and her full sibling.

She wants to have a child free wedding but has extended the courtesy of inviting our three children (ages 5, 10 and 12). However, she does not want them to be part of the wedding party and I am not allowed on the top table.

This is obviously a very public slur towards us and I'm not sure how to approach it. My children and I are literally the only immediate family to not be involved in the wedding party. We are to be seated alone on a random table.

Her mother has many friends attending the wedding (rightly so), we are not allowed any. She also wants £3,500 pounds from us towards the cost of it all.

Would I be unreasonable to say thanks but no thanks- my children and I will not be attending?

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winterisstillcoming · 21/04/2019 17:42

I would go - just think of the long term. She's setting the precedence here.

It means you or your daughters don't have to involve them fully at your daughters' weddings. Just sit back, enjoy the day, take silent credit for your share of parenting. If you don't go, it will play in your dsd'd favour.

Bleubelle · 21/04/2019 17:43

If she expects cash from your DH then he gets a say.

If the OP’s DH gifted the money they have no say. I really don’t understand why people think they have ‘a say’ when gifting money to their children. The SD doesn’t like her SM. The op herself has admitted their relationship is fractious. Just because her father gave her money towards the wedding doesn’t mean she needs to have someone she doesn’t like at her top table and doesn’t mean their children need to be in the wedding party.

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/04/2019 17:44

None of that is unreasonable? She asked for 3.5k for her wedding. She asked she wasn't offered it. Its in really bad taste and is really grabby imo.

Bleubelle · 21/04/2019 17:47

None of that is unreasonable? She asked for 3.5k for her wedding. She asked she wasn't offered it. Its in really bad taste and is really grabby imo.

According to MN no is a complete sentence. Op’s DH could have refused.

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/04/2019 17:51

He could have (and should have imo) but that doesnt negate the fact that she was rude and entitled to even ask.

And lets face it, how many fathers have ever said no to their "first family" when it comes to unreasonable demands?

Windowsareforcheaters · 21/04/2019 17:56

The OP has not ignored her DSD

We have always been present in his daughters lives, they stayed with us every weekend, paid maintenance religiously etc

If I went to a wedding and saw a SM on a separate table while the SD was on the top table I would be appalled. Not at the SM but at the bride and groom.

To use your wedding, a time of joy and love, to publicly humiliate someone else reflects very, very badly on those who would allow it.

And to all those who say "your wedding your choice" yes it is but those choices reflect on you and this type of unpleasant point scoring is childish and slightly pathetic. Very nasty.

I would go, smile and be gracious and show her up for the little cow she is.

Bleubelle · 21/04/2019 17:56

I don’t think it was unreasonable of her to ask tbh. As a SM I’ve never looked at DH’s children as being his ‘first’ family, he had a life before he met me and we had children - that life just doesn’t fade into insignificance. As I said earlier I would never assume our children would be in a wedding party nor expect to be on the top table, especially given the fractious relationship between the OP and her SD.

Windowsareforcheaters · 21/04/2019 18:00

None if that is unreasonable

Asking for £3,500 from a family with young dc is not unreasonable?

Yes it is. You wait to be offered, you don't ask!

Massively grabby.

Newmumma83 · 21/04/2019 18:04

I think speak to dh he may need your understanding and support.

I was blessed with a generous father for mine but I never demanded what he would contribute to the wedding or even suggested that he should.

That but makes me feel she is a little entitled

FinallyHere · 21/04/2019 18:04

Another vote for sucking it up, putting on a brave face and being the bigger person.

Your DH would, I am sure, rather you were there, too. Maybe don't stay all that late, using your DC as an excuse, but be there and smile. Don't look for any slights and make sure you don't notice any regardless.

Takes all the sting out of it.

Living well is the best revenge.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/04/2019 18:09

If you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed by attending then don’t. Your SD is an adult, it’s her wedding and her decisions, but if she makes decisions that make people uncomfortable then she has to deal woth the outcome of that decision.

As for the £3500. I think asking for it is CF at its best, but it’s a decision that you and your dh have to make as to if, or how much you decide to give, if you give anything at all, it will be family money after all

Order654 · 21/04/2019 18:14

Why are you giving her 3.5k when she’s treating you and your children like shit.

Give her £500 and tell her you have decided not to go but her siblings will be going with there dad.

Nonnymum · 21/04/2019 18:16

I can see why you are upset, it does seem unfair that her stepfather will be on the top table but not her stepmother. Is it maybe because the tope table won't be large enough for your children too and she thinks you will want to sit with them. Or is it an actual sub. What does your husband think?

Windowsareforcheaters · 21/04/2019 18:19

My dh was party to a conversation between his daughter and her mother joking about putting me and the kids in our place at the wedding

They will have told other people. People will judge and they will notice but it will be her and her mum who people think badly of.

The nicer you are the worse they look.

This could blow up in her face in a big way.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/04/2019 18:26

If I went to a wedding and saw a SM on a separate table while the SD was on the top table I would be appalled. Not at the SM but at the bride and groom

I've seen it at several weddings and no one battered an eyelid at it. You have the people closest to you on the top table and the OP and the step children don't have a good relationship.

The two step parents aren't comparable in this situation. The step dad is in her life daily and appears to have no children of his own. The step mum has three own children and only there at the weekends. Her children naturally will be her focus. Other children dramatically change the dynamics.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 21/04/2019 18:32

If I went to a wedding and saw a SM on a separate table while the SD was on the top table I would be appalled. Not at the SM but at the bride and groom

No one in my circle would batter an eyelid it’s a personal choice and she picked someone close to her, she’s very much entitled to not have someone she dislikes on her top table.

Maybe83 · 21/04/2019 18:53

No one I know would bat an eye lid either.

Sure with the make up of families these days you could end up with half the wedding at the top table!

ByeClaire · 21/04/2019 19:12

I agree with PPs that you going and being gracious will mean that if anyone is judging the situation, they will be judging the bride & groom & mother of the bride.

If you don’t go, people may wonder why. Particularly if the bride says “well it’s not because of the no-child rule because I made an exception for my half-siblings.”

woolduvet · 21/04/2019 19:27

I'd be hurt more with her attitude I think. As others have said the seating isn't the biggest issue.
But if she's putting you in your place, that's awful. What did your dh say.
What has he said about the money, is he finding it all?
Tbh, if you don't feel welcome and wouldn't enjoy yourself I wouldn't go either.

StillNotMe · 21/04/2019 19:57

Wow, stepmothers are getting shit time on MN!
I wouldn't go if I were you, OP. I would veto giving her any money and actually I would be polite and nothing more going forward.

WhiteCat1704 · 21/04/2019 20:17

YANBU

I wouldn't go either.

Windowsareforcheaters · 21/04/2019 20:19

No one in my circle would batter an eyelid it’s a personal choice and she picked someone close to her

So she chooses to publicly humiliate the woman who helped to pay for the wedding and you wouldn't bat an eyelid?

The bride puts her SM on a separate table, on her own with her children and you think "well that's her choice".

It's not about the 'top table' it's about putting her on her own with no friends or support network - and no children don't count. It is mean girl bullying of the worst kind. Just because you are a bride does not mean you get a pass from being a nasty bully.

Weddings are about love, sharing and kindness and what kind of life you want to live and who you are. If you are starting off your married life settling scores with someone who has done nothing but marry you dad after you mum had an affair then what kind of person are you?

Good grief - do we live in the same country?

Bullying is bullying even if you are wearing a white dress.

Windowsareforcheaters · 21/04/2019 20:21

she’s very much entitled to not have someone she dislikes on her top table

So put her on a table with other people don't isolate and humiliate the woman.

Can't you see bullying or don't you care?

Bleubelle · 21/04/2019 20:39

So put her on a table with other people don't isolate and humiliate the woman

The OP said the woman had just got engaged. I very much doubt she’s actually done any seating plans fgs. The OP is pissed off she’s not on the top table and her children aren’t in the wedding party.

My daughter is getting married in August, her SM is not at the top table (daughters choice), her half siblings are not in the bridal party, her SM is at a table with 4 other people and the children.

My DSS got married last year, I was not at the top table, I sat at a table with our children, they were not part of the wedding party.

I very much doubt the bride and groom would insist on a table for 4 🙄.

TheCraicDealer · 21/04/2019 20:44

OP said that the kids' grandparents, aunt and uncle will also be there, so it's not a case where OP will be on her own with the children in a room full of strangers. There's still plenty of time to make a seating plan where she could be sitting with the in-laws she was happy to leave the kids with whilst she sat at the top table in her preferred scenario. OP would only be apart from her DH for the length of the meal.

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