Wedding Issues

[Star455]

Hi there. I'm after some advice regarding my step daughter's wedding. A little bit of background - my dh and I have been together for 20 years. We have three children together and he has two grown up daughters from his first marriage.

We have always been present in his daughters lives, they stayed with us every weekend, paid maintenance religiously etc. The eldest daughter and I have always had a fractious relationship. She has always resented her father remarrying and was horrified at us having our children.

Over the years she has made it quite obvious she doesn't see them as her siblings, she never bothers with their birthdays or takes an interest in their lives. She is obviously polite to them when she visits her dad but that's about as far as it goes.

Now to the current issue. She has just got engaged and is planning the wedding. She wants the full works - three course meal, top table etc. She plans to have her mother and father on the top table, along with the groom's parents and her step father. Also the groom's brother and her full sibling.

She wants to have a child free wedding but has extended the courtesy of inviting our three children (ages 5, 10 and 12). However, she does not want them to be part of the wedding party and I am not allowed on the top table.

This is obviously a very public slur towards us and I'm not sure how to approach it. My children and I are literally the only immediate family to not be involved in the wedding party. We are to be seated alone on a random table.

Her mother has many friends attending the wedding (rightly so), we are not allowed any. She also wants £3,500 pounds from us towards the cost of it all.

Would I be unreasonable to say thanks but no thanks- my children and I will not be attending?

To use your wedding, a time of joy and love, to publicly humiliate someone else reflects very, very badly on those who would allow it

Absolutely.

You don't get on and she doesn't feel her half siblings are siblings. Why would you be top table? You are an important part of her life but top tables often do not include step parents, even when everyone gets on well.

If she wanted to be really mean she could have excluded the children altogether. They are invited which shows they aren't "regular guests" being in the wedding party is a bit much to expect.

Either she isn't snubbing you and you are imagining it so try and get over it. Or she is in which case the best thing to do is rise above it. There is nothing more irritating than trying to annoy someone and they dont even notice.

@Oldbutstillgotit

'Support network' or someone to talk to, people who like her.

Going to an event where you are disliked must be hard work. We can assume the dsd and her mother have gossiped unkindly about the OP. Sitting somewhere with people staring and gossiping is not a pleasant way to spend an afternoon. I was suggesting she needs to be placed with people she knows and she can talk to. The OP implied the dsd meant to isolate her.

The whole discussion appals me. Weddings should be about love but the entitlement of brides 'my day my way' is breathtakingly rude. Using a wedding to settle scores is even worse.

I'm not married btw and this thread and the discussions surrounding it is one of the reasons. Weddings turn reasonable people into unkind, petty nightmares.

The more I think about this, the more I feel she is including you, especially your dc. It’s a no child wedding and you dc are the exception. I’d take that as a positive sign that she is actually trying to include you and her half sisters. Tbh I’d not want to sit on the top table anyway. If you end up on a table with Uncle Knob Head it might be seen as a snub

Those of you who think child free weddings are a reasonable option, is it usual for half siblings to be included in this?

I would just assume, no matter what, siblings went to a wedding.

Should the OP and her DH be grateful their children and the brides siblings have been invited?

I live in a different world to people who think banning siblings because they are children is ok. I'm baffled as to how this is not rude.

The only think SD has done wrong here is ask her father for a specific amount of money. Whilst you may see it as family money, to her he is her father and him helping her out shouldn’t be contingent on whether or not you and she get on well.

Blended families are tough at the best of times but weddings seem to bring out the absolute worst. Nobody, even full siblings, should expect the be bridesmaids so you were setting the bar way too high in the first place with that. And, with the best will in the world, with a big age gap and having never spent much time with them of course it is highly unlikely SD will see her half-siblings in the same way as those she grew up with. That isn’t unusual and is nothing to be annoyed about.

Even the worlds best step-parents are on an unequal footing because they NRP’s spouse has never lived with the child. You cannot expect to build the same kind of relationship that a resident step-parent can. She is treating you and her step-dad differently because your relationship is different.

I think you need to accept that you feel hurt, but realise that this is a symptom of the fact you don’t have a great relationship with your SD. It seems to have come as a shock, which is surprising given the (relatively) small role you’ve played in her life. If you don’t go and you prevent your DC from going (presumably their father wants them there) it will be very poor behaviour on your part.

@windowsareforcheaters but the SM isn’t going to be seated on her own! She will have her DC and other guests - possibly in laws - to talk to . I honestly am not aware of anyone staring or gossiping about me when I wasn’t at the top table. I do think the OP is being hypersensitive about this . If she can’t sit in a church or through a meal without herDH beside her then she needs to get a grip .

My dh was party to a conversation between his daughter and her mother joking about putting me and the kids in our place at the wedding

I think this says that the bride is going to go out of her way to make life difficult for the OP.

Using your wedding to put someone In their place is disgraceful.

No one should be forced to do something they don't want because it will look bad otherwise.

Swing...I bet that step mother has done PLENTY for that step daughter even when she didn't particularly want to. If a step parent wanted to exclude a step child from a wedding party they would have been eaten alive here.

Also this thread made me wander what I would do if something like that was to happen. And I wouldn't go.

Yeah but she isnt being excluded. She has been invited.Her children the brides half siblings have been invited.

I'm not surprised to see a number of posters saying they wouldn't go. It the underlying battle of control and the "who is more important" game that plays out time and time again in blended families.

Funny enough it's so much more prevalent on these boards with a SM/SD relationship.

How will you explain to your children OP that they cant go to the wedding despite being invited?

In my opinion, having a SM and being a SM. I think the children being included at an otherwise childfree event and the seating plan is not a snub, I think of all the options available to the bride and given the ages of her step siblings and if she wants her dad at top table, her compromise is good. If the mother had been the resident parent then the friend thing is rude but understandable assuming bride and groom have had some choice.

The money aspect is rude and grabby and the bride should budget within her means and then add additional bits where money is offered. No one is obliged in this day and age to contribute to anything if it is not possible for them to do so, but given we don't know your finances that is not clear .

Even if you were sat at the top table, who would sit with your children? There would be no room for them at the top table.

I think your sd is being reasonable here.

I'm not surprised to see a number of posters saying they wouldn't go. It the underlying battle of control and the "who is more important" game that plays out time and time again in blended families.

Yes. SO much of the time, it would be infinitely better to take the high road and be the better person. Yet revenge/getting your own back and cuttting off your nose to spite your face, is generally the advice that the mumsnet keyboard warriors want to give. And of course they don't have to live with the consequences.

What's the saying..? "The best revenge is to live well"? If the bride really thinks she's putting you down, then you not going will let her know she's won, OP. The best thing you can do is show up and have a great timeat your table with your kids and other relatives. Seeing you totally unaffected by her move and having a high old time, can be your revenge (if revenge is what you actually want)

Honestly..why would the OP bother with playing this game? She can't be "totally unaffected" she clearly is affected and won't be able to hide it..or if she can hide it it will be at a personal cost. What's the point?
Her SD has hurt her and the best thing would be to protect herself and not bother with this spectacle.
If SD is so bothered about her half siblings attending(and OP tells us she doesn't see them as siblings so I doubt that) their DF can take them for few hours.

For me personally I wouldn't go not to "prove" who is more important- and that's what the SD is doing by the way- I wouldn't go as I have enough of drama and toxic family.

My dh was party to a conversation between his daughter and her mother joking about putting me and the kids in our place at the wedding And he didn't immediately tell them both to go fuck themselves? If he's prepared to tolerate that kind of disrespect for you and your children I'd solve the problem by dumping him so he can attend the wedding alone.

My dh was party to a conversation between his daughter and her mother joking about putting me and the kids in our place at the wedding

Your step daughter sounds like a petty bitch. I would not be going and nor would my children. I wouldn’t subject them to being part of your step daughter’s nasty plan. Who else has she laughed about putting them in their place? She clearly doesn’t like them at all.

If we hadn’t separate savings and my DH had £3.5k of his own money then he could spend it on whatever he wanted, but I wouldn’t contribute a penny to someone who would be so nasty about my children so if it was joint money she could whilstle for it.

If we had separate savings I’d be using mine to take my kids on lovely holiday/weekend away etc.

Fuck her and her pettiness.

Its drama because the OP is creating it into one!

If she wasn't invited or her children were not invited it would be totally different.

They are! Sometimes in life primary relationships come to the fore. Weddings are generally one of those times. The OP says she isnt close to her SD so why would that suddenly change just because she is getting married.

Did you miss the part about it being a calculated snub?

it would be infinitely better to take the high road and be the better person

Yep and when youve done that continuously for god knows how many years of your life and it's got you nowhere except walked all over, maybe youd think differently.

Maybe its a little satisfying being able to say you took the moral high ground, but actually doing that just allows people to treat you like shit with no consequence while you stand around being all fake gracious about it.

One member of a family always having to be the better person whilst everyone is a shit to them does not make for a good dynamic let me tell ya.

I don't think inviting your child half-siblings to a child free wedding and a stepmother you don't like is "treating someone like shit".

The only consequence felt by refusing to go to the wedding will be felt by the DH and all the children. For what? A perceived social snub? That isn't one? The stepdaughter hasn't made a drama of this but the stepmother is...and I say that as a long suffering stepmother!

SD has put her mother and stepfather at the top table recognizing them as a couple and close family and added her dad but put the stepmother separately to "put her in her place" and prove a point. It's a stepmother of 20years who is contributing financially to the wedding.
SD IS creating a drama. Not giving the OP place in a family and OP knows and feels it. Her reacting to this is not creating drama at all..Most SP would feel bed if treated like that.
For me the insult it that husband and wife are being separated at a bloody wedding no less just so SD can prove some point.

I do not understand why children demand money off their parents for their wedding. They should pay for it themselves like we did. Of course different if the parents offer. I wouldn’t give her that much money tho cf. however I wouldn’t be bothered about not sitting at top table.

I don't know why the OP wants to shoot at the top table with her husband's ex and other people who don't like her. I'd far rather be at a normal table with my kids and other relatives.

*shoot= sit