Wedding Issues

[Star455]

Hi there. I'm after some advice regarding my step daughter's wedding. A little bit of background - my dh and I have been together for 20 years. We have three children together and he has two grown up daughters from his first marriage.

We have always been present in his daughters lives, they stayed with us every weekend, paid maintenance religiously etc. The eldest daughter and I have always had a fractious relationship. She has always resented her father remarrying and was horrified at us having our children.

Over the years she has made it quite obvious she doesn't see them as her siblings, she never bothers with their birthdays or takes an interest in their lives. She is obviously polite to them when she visits her dad but that's about as far as it goes.

Now to the current issue. She has just got engaged and is planning the wedding. She wants the full works - three course meal, top table etc. She plans to have her mother and father on the top table, along with the groom's parents and her step father. Also the groom's brother and her full sibling.

She wants to have a child free wedding but has extended the courtesy of inviting our three children (ages 5, 10 and 12). However, she does not want them to be part of the wedding party and I am not allowed on the top table.

This is obviously a very public slur towards us and I'm not sure how to approach it. My children and I are literally the only immediate family to not be involved in the wedding party. We are to be seated alone on a random table.

Her mother has many friends attending the wedding (rightly so), we are not allowed any. She also wants £3,500 pounds from us towards the cost of it all.

Would I be unreasonable to say thanks but no thanks- my children and I will not be attending?

icecream what thread are you reading?

I think YABU. Most people don't have kids at the top table - presuming the one sibling of each there is an adult then it's quite balanced. So given that, one of their parents will presumably need to look after them on another table and the bride wants her dad with her it makes sense for you to be sat with them.

I was alright with most of that until it got up the £3,500 bit. It's very double standard with her step dad on the top table but not you. I'm not a massive fan of children at wedding / flower girls etc. But then to demand £3,500 is a joke. I'm a big fan of your day / your way but not getting others to pay for it!! As others say she should have the wedding she can actually afford. Also why are the brides parents meant to be paying twice and his parents once?

carol why was it wishful thinking? Bonkers!

What would I have to gain, I was just guest?

You cannot change others: you can only change yourself. You have been gracious and supportive. She struggles with you clearly (this is nothing to do with you, but the situation) but has recognised your graciousness as much as she is able and included you and your children. You should go and continue to be gracious as you have been. Not to be there would deprive your children of the chance of seeing their half sister married and being part of the whole family. Be low key, but be there. It will continue the work you have put in over the last 20 years.

This is not the time to take offence and undo what you have done.

I have a friend whose parents where both married before and had two children each from a previous marriage- they divorced, met each other and had DFriend and her DSis, so six DC in total.

Despite some significant age gaps DFriend is close to all her half siblings in different ways, and her DMum is very close to her step daughters due to their fractious relationship with their own mother. But out of the three sibling weddings to date DF has never been a bridesmaid, involved in the wedding party or sat on the top table, and neither has the step parent in question. There has never been an expectation this would happen despite relations being very good.

As she's inviting your children to an otherwise child-free event it's unfair to see the seating plan as a deliberate snub. I think you and your DH had high expectations and anything unlike the picture you had in your head was going to be a disappointment.

Step-parent of resident parent is usually more of a parent than the step-parent of the NRP. She was very nice to invite you at all. But yes I agree with you OP don’t take her up on it. She probably will enjoy it better without you guys there. However, when the time comes, the courtesy should be extended; don’t include her in any big family events for your kids.

One guest didn’t come. It was the “talk of the day” it gave the whole event a sour, bitter flavour.

Now that is bonkers . Maybe your table sat around gossiping and cats bum facing about it for the entire nine or ten hours of the wedding but I do not believe an entire wedding was ruined over it. Nonsensical claim.

carol stop getting fixated on me! 😂😂

I think what she has done is absolutely fine. I would never expect for me to sit at the top table of my stepdaughters wedding, I imagine that her step dad will as he’s in her life very day. This will not bother me in the slightest. (We do have a good few years before this becomes an issue anyway)
I would anticipate that our 2 dcs would be included in the wedding party somehow as they adore each other (at the moment!) but equally there is an age difference and they don’t see that much of each other in relation to the half siblings she lives with so again if she gave them more of a role that’s not an issue at all.
She wanted a child free wedding and has agreed to let your children come so I reckon that’s being pretty accommodating to be honest if she’s not particularly close to them.

@CarolDanvers @Amongstthetallgrass can you stop bickering and hijacking the thread? Or do I need to put of you on the naughty step

Sorry but I think your being ridiculous, and not going is very petty.

I'm a step mother I wouldn't expect to be at the top table I'm not ss mother.

I also wouldn't expect our dd to in the wedding party. If he wanted it great if not so what.

You have been invited as have your children despite it being a child free wedding. If you sat at the top table were would she put the children?

I think your expectation are way too high to be honest.

I wouldn't go and I definitely wouldn't be happy for DH to contribute 3.5k towards it.
Mind you, I don't think parents should contribute financially towards a fancy wedding, I'd rather money be put towards education or driving lessons. Things to help your children become independent.

Are you not at the top table because of the age of your children and the fact that they would be the only children there so for someone such as yourself sitting with them would make sense?

Just read @maybe post, that is what I was thinking, it makes sense.

You're right of course @MyGastIsFlabbered I just can't help but react when my nonsensical bullshit radar goes off but I will leave it there

OP I wouldn't go mostly because I couldn't be bothered and it's true that she'd probably prefer it if you did bow out. Go and have a lovely day with your children doing something else.

I think you’re being unreasonable not to go to her wedding

• she’s invited your children who she ‘doesn’t see as siblings’
• she’s invited your children to a child-free wedding - well you only have to hang around the AIBU threads for a day or 2 before seeing a thread about how unreasonable this is seen

That’s 2 enormous points to her - she’s giving a lot for 3 people she doesn’t see as close to her.

Have never been to a wedding where children of any age are included on the Top table - and that includes small bridesmaids etc. They sit with their parents.
I think you’re taking offence where none has been offered - in fact the very opposite. So accept the invitation graciously and go. You will cause more long term fallout by not going.

I have spent the last twenty years helping to bring her up, paying for her, taking her on holidays etc etc. It's a shame we couldn't all be more bonded after all that effort.

No, this is wrong. Her dad and you did this, not just you.

I have married stepchildren, I would never have expected to be sat at the top table nor for our children to be part of the wedding party. That was what you wanted and are now disappointed it’s not happened. As others have said your SD has invited your children although her wedding is child free - she didn’t need to do that. As others have also said if you were at the top table with her father who would look after your children?

Simply because a contribution is being made to the wedding it doesn’t entitle you to anything. Of course we contributed to my stepchildren’s weddings but we never attached any demands to that contribution.

I think it’s really petty of you don’t go tbh just because you never got to sit at a top table. As for not inviting your friends, does the bride or groom know your friends? It wouldn’t have crossed my mind to have our friends invited to our children’s weddings unless they were very close to them and they chose to invite them.

I agree with @Maybe83. I'm a SM too, no way would I want or expect to sit on the top table. Think how your DH will feel if you don't go, stop being a bloody matyr. Go smile then get on with your life.

And yes she did tell us what she wanted before we offered. She wants £3500 from us, the same from her mum and step dad and £4000 from the groom's parents. This is what she has budgeted and this is what she will get

Well more fools ye for giving it to her. How are his parents only expected to give £4000 but her parents are expected to give £7000?

I was about to say you’re being unreasonable until you said the step father would be at the table. I think that’s unfair. Imo you’ve stated you’ve also brought her up too. Objectively, I feel she should let you on the table but maybe because you have young DC she has not.

How would your DH feel about you all not going?

I have literally no experience in the situation but I think the best course would be for you to go and do the dutiful thing as step mother, sit where she wants you to sit, take the kids to see their sister get married. It puts you in a very respectful light I would say, even if she can't be respectful. Would be being the bigger person. Also she might not see your kids as siblings but how do your kids feel? They might want to go?

I actually have no issue with parents contributing to a wedding. I think the asking for an amount is pretty rude. You dont ask for a gift. However if it was affordable to your DH I would give it to her and whilst he is giving her the cheque have a quiet word, father to daughter to say how is unimpressed by her behaviour and how disrespectful she has been. Then leave it to her. I'm sure nothing will change but I get the feeling the way decisions she has made may have been encouraged in some part by her mother. Perhaps theres a lot more to it that I'm missing but going out your way to not have people left out/acting bitter towards them is not a nice way to be.

If you were to sit at the top table who would look after your young children? I think if she's invited your children, who she doesn't particularly think of as family, to a non child wedding then she's actually done it because she DOES think of you all as family and important at the wedding..

The slight snub is having her stepdad on the top table, but it could be down to you having children there. I know people are saying that the step dad may have been around more than the dad when it comes to physical time (the real dad often doesn't get a choice in how little time he gets to spend with his kids, it's often all in the mother's favour. Doesn't mean he isn't there for her or providing financial support, despite what people like Ice Cream say. He is being expected to pay as much as her mother is..).

Personally I'd go. Suck it up, give her the benefit of the doubt. If you don't, that really is a nail in the coffin when it comes to your relationship, and that can only hurt your husband in the long run. I'm a stepmum. I'm not expecting to be on the top table when my DSS gets married, I hope to be on a table with my sister in law and her family, somewhere where I can proudly watch.

It never entered my head to be sitting at the top table when my DSD got married . Her SD wasn’t there either. I am always surprised that some people are so offended when they aren’t included at the top table.
Anyway I was much more relaxed sitting with friends.

Errrrr.... She won't get £3,500 from your family as you're not invited to the wedding. She'll get £500 and be happy with that.

The other stuff, well that's as she wants it.

But certainly don't let her dictate that you have to pay a 1/3!! And I say that as the Mum not as a stepmum. No way would I let my DD demand money from her dad and then not invite his spouse or children to the day. And I don't like my XH at all. But the money demand despite that, is outrageous.