Wedding Issues

[Star455]

Hi there. I'm after some advice regarding my step daughter's wedding. A little bit of background - my dh and I have been together for 20 years. We have three children together and he has two grown up daughters from his first marriage.

We have always been present in his daughters lives, they stayed with us every weekend, paid maintenance religiously etc. The eldest daughter and I have always had a fractious relationship. She has always resented her father remarrying and was horrified at us having our children.

Over the years she has made it quite obvious she doesn't see them as her siblings, she never bothers with their birthdays or takes an interest in their lives. She is obviously polite to them when she visits her dad but that's about as far as it goes.

Now to the current issue. She has just got engaged and is planning the wedding. She wants the full works - three course meal, top table etc. She plans to have her mother and father on the top table, along with the groom's parents and her step father. Also the groom's brother and her full sibling.

She wants to have a child free wedding but has extended the courtesy of inviting our three children (ages 5, 10 and 12). However, she does not want them to be part of the wedding party and I am not allowed on the top table.

This is obviously a very public slur towards us and I'm not sure how to approach it. My children and I are literally the only immediate family to not be involved in the wedding party. We are to be seated alone on a random table.

Her mother has many friends attending the wedding (rightly so), we are not allowed any. She also wants £3,500 pounds from us towards the cost of it all.

Would I be unreasonable to say thanks but no thanks- my children and I will not be attending?

It's family money. Of course the OP gets a say. Or have we gone back to Victorian times when men made all the decisions about money. It isn't his money, it's their money.

That very much depends on how this family run their finances

Not all couples operate a joint pool and it's nothing to do with Victorian times.

I work and I decide what I want to spend my hard earned money on.

If I wanted to give my sibling or parent money out of my earnings, I'll do exactly that.

The issue of finances is separate to where the OP is seated.

OP... there's nothing wrong in asking if you can be sat with your inlaws, but its possible they don't want to be on a table with little kids.

Separate a husband and wife?

What happens at wedding were a partner is in the bridal party? A best man or a bridesmaid. Does the other partner generally sit surgically attached on their knee?

I must of missed that at all the weddings I ve been.

My dh was party to a conversation between his daughter and her mother joking about putting me and the kids in our place at the wedding

This says a couple of things to me.

One is your SD has no respect or regard for her dad to talk about you and his other DC like this.

I can't imagine this is the very first time she's said something on the unpleasant side about you, in front of her dad. That she felt comfortable enough to say it in his presence speaks, knowing there would be no challenge speaks volumes.

My brother would flip if his DD said this about his wife.

The other thing that strikes me, is that your DH did not ask his DD what exactly meant by this.

I don't quite get where the snub is.

You and your children are invited to the full day.

If you're not close and she's not close to your children why would they be bridesmaids or part of the wedding party?

I think you should have managed your own expectations here. You may have wanted them to be bridesmaids but I don't think she's done anything wrong by not having them. It's not an automatic right.

Weddings turn reasonable people into unkind, petty nightmares.

No. They were always unreasonable. You don't go from being a sensible kind human being, to a nasty horrible person because you're getting married.

What can happen is a lot of pressure from various members of family to invite this person or that one...to not sit next to this person or that person. So in trying to please people, you do things you may not naturally want to do.

Brides can also be very loyal to their mums and if her mum doesn't want you on the high table, then she won't want to upset her. She may see you as competition and not want another woman in that role on the top table.

They sound awful. Rise above it and attend with big smiles. Then get drunk and loudly joke about her mum getting off with the best man AGAIN 😆

@Star455

The eldest daughter and I have always had a fractious relationship.

She has always resented her father remarrying and was horrified at us having our children.
Is there a big age gap between you and her dad?

Perhaps she thought he was old and done with babies. In addition to the fact that it probably took some attention away from her.

Over the years she has made it quite obvious she doesn't see them as her siblings, she never bothers with their birthdays or takes an interest in their lives.

As many have said, given she doesn't see them as siblings, why would they be in her bridal party. She can't even say happy birthday to them, yet you expected them to be bridesmaids!

She is obviously polite to them when she visits her dad but that's about as far as it goes.
That's showing some decency and is the least I'd expect. At least she doesn't ignore them.

Now to the current issue. She has just got engaged and is planning the wedding. She wants the full works - three course meal, top table etc. She plans to have her mother and father on the top table, along with the groom's parents and her step father. Also the groom's brother and her full sibling.

She wants to have a child free wedding but has extended the courtesy of inviting our three children (ages 5, 10 and 12). However, she does not want them to be part of the wedding party and I am not allowed on the top table.

This is obviously a very public slur towards us and I'm not sure how to approach it.

I wouldn't say your DC not being in the bridal party is a public slur.

You not being on the top table will probably be noticed more than that, but as you'll be sat with your kids, ppl will assume that's the reason why.

We are to be seated alone on a random table.

Do you know for sure that you're not sitting With anyone you know?

I've struggled with seating plans before and it might not have worked out to sit you with other family members and also to have your DC on the same table.

Do you get on well with the rest of the family? Your parents in law? Sister in law etc?

Her mother has many friends attending the wedding (rightly so), we are not allowed any.

I think this is wrong. Her dad should be allowed some friends.

Can I ask how you know all this though? Has she told your DH this?

She also wants £3,500 pounds from us towards the cost of it all.

She shouldn't be making demands and her dad needs to put her straight about this.

I can't understand what your DH thought would come from telling you about the conversation he was party to though. That was never going to help anything.

I don't quite get where the snub is.

The fact that she laughed about putting OP and her kids in their place. Petty.

Do your children want to go to the Wedding? If so I would go and be the bigger person. I would also ask DH for support and talk through with him what that looks like to you.

I don't think she needed to put the kids in the wedding party, but she should definitely have you on the top table!

Step family family dynamics are tricky. I am not close to my step kids. We like each other well enough, we are always polite and chatty, but we're not close. So I can't imagine they would ask me to sit at the top table. I can also imagine they would be a bit stressed about what the right thing to do would be, they wouldn't want to offend me or upset their dad, they also won't want to upset their mum who doesn't like me. It's not easy for anyone. I actually hope I don't get asked at all when the time comes, that would save difficulty all round.

ok - from what I understand its not the fact that OP and her children are not at the top table, but that OP has been made aware of jokes regarding their placement by DSD and her DM.

I think OP is withholding specifics, not asking whether this should be seen as a snub. She knows that the bride is intending to publicly snub her via a seating arrangement.

I think OP it just comes down to whether you want to care or not. It will be a fun day out, with your family - a 3 course meal, dancing, photos etc. And a chance for you and your kids to have a good giggle by yourselves. Since your DP has agreed to contribute, you might as well make the most of it and attend. Considering its a child-free wedding, take that as a concession/gesture to you and don't worry about the rest.

I can also imagine they would be a bit stressed about what the right thing to do would be, they wouldn't want to offend me or upset their dad

I get this.

Mt Dniece would have this issue. She would want both parents on top table. She wouldn't want to upset her DM who would probably not want her SM there. She wouldn't want to upset my DB...her dad who would probably would want his wife next to him.

It's very stressful for the adult DC from these step families.

I suspect the snub she was "joking" about didn't involve inviting you and your kids to the wedding. She was probably joking about a far worse snub that she didn't carry out.

Personally I don't think that your kids were snubbed. If you were on top table and your kids were looked after by another relative, the bride would be criticized by many for assuming 1) the relatives sat with the kids were happy to babysit 2) that the kids and you were happy to be separated.

When my sil married, her flower girls and page boys were all from the groom's side of the family. She was close to those kids and not to mine so I was fine and nobody commented. I think stepdads tens to be closer to kids because they have been around more and tend to parent less than stepmums. You're not close so I wouldn't expect you to be on top table.

I think that the demands for cash is very presumptuous and rude. She will see the request as asking her dad rather than Dad and his wife but I understand why it would annoy OP.

Has your h told his dd not to demand money ? Did he stand up for you when she joked about the snub?

Call this on your terms, I say, and reflect your SD's pettiness back to her, while still maintaining your own integrity:

Go to the wedding, but don't stay for the reception - citing the need to look after your kids. Send her a note saying that you wish her all the best, but that it has been made clear to you that you are not really welcome, and you have heard that the bride feels negativity towards you: and so while you are sending your good wishes for her married life together you have made the decision you have.

AND refuse to pay any money towards this. Make it clear to your OH that if his daughter wants any money towards this it has to come from his OWN purse. Then, it's up to him.

Personally I think the SD is behaving really poorly, and if you give in this time, then there will be an expectation of more money when grandchildren come along... but little love in return.

Love the people you want to love. Manage the others.

Good luck.

Send her a note saying that you wish her all the best, but that it has been made clear to you that you are not really welcome, and you have heard that the bride feels negativity towards you: and so while you are sending your good wishes for her married life together you have made the decision you have.

Don't, for goodness' sake, follow this advice, OP.

Omg! The drama, accept the invite, eat your meal at the other table with your kids and get over yourself - what's the big deal? So weird - the fact she has even invited your kids to a child free wedding is a nice enough gesture!

Sulking and saying ohh clearly I'm not wanted - seriously ! So childish!

Send her a note saying that you wish her all the best, but that it has been made clear to you that you are not really welcome, and you have heard that the bride feels negativity towards you: and so while you are sending your good wishes for her married life together you have made the decision you have.

Don't, for goodness' sake, follow this advice, OP.

Exactly. How absolutely ridiculous it would be to create such drama. Talk about killing the relationship for good.

I'd accept the invitation and enjoy the day for what it is; definitely don't send any notes or create any drama that will spoil what relationship you do have.

I think if stepdad wasn't included on top table it wouldn't sting as much. At my SD wedding only her bio parents were part of the bridal party and I sat with my children and brides GP (her dads parents) on another table. All fine.

Do you plan on contributing to your joint DCs weddings in the future .

I think the answer will be yes and if so why is it so wrong that she might expect a contribution from her father. Personally, would not ask for an amount but everyone is different.

You are involved and she has included your DCs but as a general rule kids are not on the top table and the other parent sits with them. Am struggling to see your issues.

You seem to resent her a great deal

I think I would go and smile graciously all whilst looking fabulous (in a non bridal coloured outfit obviously lol ) 😁😉

OK I understand your hurt in this. However, be the bigger person. Go to the wedding. Sit wherever you are seated. Be a better person than your SD. If you don't Go, you'll forever be the wicked stepmother who refused to go to the wedding because of a seating plan.

PS I am a SM too, to adult SDCs, and DH's exW is challenging. I have been where you are and I took the high road. It is a good place to be and people do notice.

Tricky tricky tricky. Would you say you and step-dad have v different relationships with her? If so, I think it’s fair she’s treated you differently.

It is nice that she’s invited your kids when it’s child free.

The money is a bit grabby but she’s not really asking you, she’s asking her dad. Do you expect to put towards your kids weddings? This is the same. Naming a figure is crass but hardly unusual.

If he can’t afford £3.5k then he should say what he can pay.

I’m on the fence.

Poor you. I have to say there is not a chance in hell that my dcs would have a wedding and not invite exh's girlfriend

As much as they may not get on with her brilliantly, she makes their father happy and there is no way she wouldn't be invited (and I have to be honest, if they asked me, I would also reiterate that).

Is it possible his exw has contributed to this decision?