Wedding Issues

[Star455]

Hi there. I'm after some advice regarding my step daughter's wedding. A little bit of background - my dh and I have been together for 20 years. We have three children together and he has two grown up daughters from his first marriage.

We have always been present in his daughters lives, they stayed with us every weekend, paid maintenance religiously etc. The eldest daughter and I have always had a fractious relationship. She has always resented her father remarrying and was horrified at us having our children.

Over the years she has made it quite obvious she doesn't see them as her siblings, she never bothers with their birthdays or takes an interest in their lives. She is obviously polite to them when she visits her dad but that's about as far as it goes.

Now to the current issue. She has just got engaged and is planning the wedding. She wants the full works - three course meal, top table etc. She plans to have her mother and father on the top table, along with the groom's parents and her step father. Also the groom's brother and her full sibling.

She wants to have a child free wedding but has extended the courtesy of inviting our three children (ages 5, 10 and 12). However, she does not want them to be part of the wedding party and I am not allowed on the top table.

This is obviously a very public slur towards us and I'm not sure how to approach it. My children and I are literally the only immediate family to not be involved in the wedding party. We are to be seated alone on a random table.

Her mother has many friends attending the wedding (rightly so), we are not allowed any. She also wants £3,500 pounds from us towards the cost of it all.

Would I be unreasonable to say thanks but no thanks- my children and I will not be attending?

Bullying because she doesn’t want to put a woman who she doesn’t consider close enough to be on her top table seriously get a grip. Afew of us said we know plenty who wouldn’t batter an eyelid with a sm being on a separate table,I would imagine she will be seated next to her husbands extended family so not isolated on her own. Atleast op got an invite to the full day and her children. I remember the other SM who had a good relationship with her step daughter but had been excluded from the full day and night, because of the ex’s bitterness.

I think the fact the step father is on the top table and the step mother is not it will be seen as a shun.
I also think shes unreasonable asking for money as well.
Neither me or my dh asked for a penny off our parents for our wedding, my Mum voluntary paid for the bridesmaid dresses, his family paid for nothing.
A gift should be voluntary not asked for.
I wouldnt go and I wouldnt put any money towards it.

Do not put your dh in an awkward position. Do not make your kids miss their sisters wedding

That. You say you'd be embarrassed, but I don't know why. People will assume that you're not at the top table because of your children - if they think about it at all, which I suspect they won't.
And I think it would be very much more embarrassing to be gossiped about because you weren't there. People will form their own opinions about whether or not you should have gone. And as many will be friends/family of the bride, you're not going to come out of it well.

Take the high road. Your DH and kids will appreciate it.

My children and I are literally the only immediate family to not be involved in the wedding party. We are to be seated alone on a random table

Ok it is not a table for 4 but it is clearly to be seen as a snub. The bride has said she wants it to be a snub. The SD is at the top table the SM is not.

It's like at school when you got to pick who was on your team.

She should be grateful she gets an invite for a meal she is fucking paying for? Are you serious? She is paying for the meal but should say thank you for the invite!

If I was stumping up £3,500 grand for a wedding I wouldn't be saying thank you for anything. If the bride wants to make the choices she pays for it. You say thank you when you are given something not when you pay for it.

I think the OP should go and smile and be kind just to make this nasty little madam look like the cow she is.

She should be grateful she gets an invite for a meal she is fucking paying for

Let’s get something straight here, the SM is NOT paying the £3500 on her own. I do think because the OP and the woman’s father was contributing to the wedding the OP wrongly though the children would be included in the wedding party and that she’d be sat at the top table.

Many SD’s are at the top table as they have been a huge part of a child’s life, in this case the OP has said she and the SD do not have a great relationship. Why should a bride have someone she doesn’t like at the top table? Just because parents contribute to a wedding it doesn’t give them any say over the day let alone ‘buying’ places at a top table or for their children to bridesmaids etc.

She actually asked for £3500 without any prompting?? Oh dear.

Is her father able to do that for his other three kids in the future? And are you going to be able to match it?

Look. I've passed over all bar OPs green posts. And will say the same.

Mt exMIL paid £500 towards our wedding. My parents paid £5k.
Neither got decisions about who came but I listenned n more to my Mum as she was being so helpful.

That was first marriage and XHs mum has had to fork out for another big marriage and by all accounts will have to fork out for a third 😂😂
She knew her DS very well.

So, all I can say is, be kind and patienr, decide what you can or want to afford in terms of donating towards DSD's wedding and go to what you are invited to.

Ps. It's unlikely to be a once and forever thing. As that's not how it works out these days.

Why should a bride have someone she doesn’t like at the top table?

Why should a bride ask someone she doesnt like for 3.5k?

If I went to a wedding and saw a SM on a separate table while the SD was on the top table I would be appalled

So what happens to the children? Should the bride now dictate to someone else that they should be keeping an eye for the children whilst their parents are at the top table? Or do you think they too deserve a seat at the top table?

I don’t think anyone can really give meaningful advice because we’d need the entire 20+ years of backstory to really understand the relationships, characters and past events that have led to this situation. The thing that springs to my mind (because it’s a factor within one of our family branches) is how your DH managed his separation from SD’s mother and subsequent remarriage to you and more children? e.g. if he did little to address her likely feelings of insecurity, sadness, anxiety, grief, anger etc at the termination of her family unit, or if he rushed into a new relationship without giving SD time to process events, or if she felt sidelined or anxious due to the arrival of her half siblings, all of this will have impacted massively on her relationship with you and her half siblings, even despite efforts on your part. Alternatively, maybe her dad was single for an extended period of time after his split with her mum, allowing her to be his prime focus and ensuring that she was able to come to terms with the end of her parents marriage and her change in circumstance before he slowly introduced the idea of a new partner etc. and actually SD is just a difficult personally and is being awkward and rude. Depending on which of these scenarios - or the million other possibilities - is true, there is a very different spin on SD’s behaviour surrounding the wedding.

Who are doing speeches? That might make a difference who is on the top table. Sounds like difficult dynamics for all involved.

Just because parents contribute to a wedding it doesn’t give them any say over the day let alone ‘buying’ places at a top table or for their children to bridesmaids

Well it kind of does. If you go with your hand out asking for cash it comes with strings. Cash always comes with stings.

If you want your wedding your way, pay for it. Simples.

Are people really that entitled that you think you can ask for £3,500 and then be rude to the person who is contributing?

I am open mouthed that you would ask for (demand?) that amount of cash and then be rude to people. When people give you something you say 'thank you' and you are then nice to them. Well that's how I was brought up and it's what I'm teaching my children. Or you can say no to the gift.

Give me the cash I am entitled to so I can be mean to you cos it's MY wedding is just a temper tantrum in a white dress.

Top tables should be abolished. My parents are divorced, my dad remarried, at the weddings of my siblings the couple have sat with friends and mum hosted one table and my dad and SM another. Much easier.

Is your SD being “given away”? If so by whom?

To everyone defending SD asking for money, you can imagine the response if she posted here about how she expected and asked for that much (or in fact any) from her parents and step parents... She’d be handed her arse on a plate and told if she’s old enough to get married she’s old enough to bloody well pay for it herself. It’s incredibly childish and grabby to tell people what you expect them to give you.

Maybe your husband should tell his daughter that he wants you at the top table with him and for the DC to be seated with their GPS/aunts/uncles. Since the step father is at the top table, she doesn't have a leg to stand on. It's your husband's job to put a stop to his daughter's bad behaviour, to let her know he has seen it and won't tolerate it. She shouldn't get to demand money and at the same time insult the people who are giving it to her. It's not that money buys rights exactly, but it's a total piss take to treat people badly who have helped pay for your wedding. Your h really ought to put a stop to it.

I also think you should 'only' give £2k. Not fair that groom's parents contribute £4k but bride's pay £3.5k. Not that anyone is owed a financial contribution to their wedding anyway

I'm quite close to my SM, I've known her since I was 7 and her and my dad paid a significant amount towards our wedding. Unfortunately I don't get on with DM's (relatively new at the time) partner but SM told me not to put her on the top table, knowing that this would spare me having DM's asshole partner there. I was so grateful to her for helping sort that dilemma out, being a child of divorced parents really sucks on big occasions. Your SD is probably just trying to make the best of an awkward situation.

Weddings can be a bloody nightmare, trying to consider and accommodate everyone's wishes (like inviting children to a child-free wedding), so any bit of understanding that family and guests can show is so appreciated. Plus, assuming you will be part of the bridal party and then getting pissed off when you aren't is real CFery IMO.

My Dsis had this situation when she got married. Because her DH was not having his SM on the top table (just his mum and dad), his SM refused to come.

Her DC came, as one was in the bridal party, but she thought it unreasonable she wasn't on the top table and that ppl would think her DH and his Ex were still together, if she wasn't next to him.

I don't think my BIL would have had an issue with his SM on the top table, but his DM objected, so that was that.

OP... kids don't sit on the top table. You as a parent are in the best position to control your kids if they start messing about and uncles, aunts and grandparents should not be made babysitters for the day.
Have you thought that the bride probably doesn't want to saddle her grandparents with the responsibility of your DC for the duration?

Given she takes little interest in their lives, wouldn't you have been suprised if they were on the bridal party?

If you decline the invite, your relationship will only get worse and you'll probably find you're not invited to events in the future. If that's not something you're worried about, then go ahead and decline the invite.

The bride is asking her dad for the money. She would ask him whether he was married to the OP or not. She doesn't see it as asking you for money. Not everyone sees income in a marriage as joint.

I think if her DM is allowed to invite a couple of friends, her dad should be allowed that too.... but you as the SM should not expect this. When your own DC get married, this will be your time to invite some friends.

I'm a stepmum. I'd go. If you don't you're putting your DH in a nightmare situation for when grandkids come along and you're furthering the divide between your children and their half sister. Never mind her, if you love them, go. Your kids will be the aunts and uncles to her children. They may want a relationship. No way would I be a part of closing that door for my kids.

I'm a little baffled that you expected them to have roles in the wedding if they aren't close. It won't be an embarrassment. It really won't.

What exactly did your DH say during this "putting in place" conversation? And why the fuck did he tell you. That was spectacularly unhelpful.

Go and be gracious and swallow your pride. You will not be "snubbed" you will be facilitating a relationship between your kids and their half-sister. It's the right thing to do.

Why do people feel entitled to what they want at someone's wedding? Why should the bride have her SM at the top table just because her SF is? That's not how it works and appearances has no place at a wedding. If she grew up to feel emotionally close to her SD but not to OP, then it is absolutely right that she choose to have one and not the other there it's her wedding.

As for the money, of course she shouldn't ask OP to pay, but did she? I expect she asked her dad so it is up to him to say he can't afford that amount because OP doesn't want to participate.

No one should be forced to do something they don't want because it will look bad otherwise. It's sad that people end up hurt, but choices have to be made. In this case, it sounds like the bride opted for a compromise that still meant to excluding OP and her siblings but not at the detriment of what matters to her. There might be others not showing up because they are upset their kids have been excluded, that's how it goes.

From an outsiders point of view, what has happened is what I would expect given the relationship you have with her. She has been conciliatory in inviting your children to a child free wedding. While it won't mean much, I suspect it was a big thing for her to do.

You can't repair a relationship like this, not after all this time. To her, you and your children will never be family. I suspect if she could have got away with not inviting you, she would.

Personally I wouldn't go, life is too short to waste time on someone who has little regard for me.

As for the money, of course she shouldn't ask OP to pay, but did she? I expect she asked her dad so it is up to him to say he can't afford that amount because OP doesn't want to participate.

It's family money. Of course the OP gets a say. Or have we gone back to Victorian times when men made all the decisions about money. It isn't his money, it's their money.

If you have a fractious relationship look on it as her being quite generous. You could have had no invite or just an evening invite! By not turning up looks so petty and embarrassing for her dad. Did you think you and the children belonged on the top table? If the relationship was good yes, but unfortunately it isn't. Are there any children as bridesmaids, attendants etc? I would expect her dad to be upset if his children were not asked if that was the case.

@windowsareforcheaters why does the OP need a support network ?( your post yesterday at 20.19) genuine question .
I wasn’t at the top table when my DSD was married and seemed to cope ok . And yes , DH and I made a hefty financial contribution.