Wedding Issues

[Star455]

Hi there. I'm after some advice regarding my step daughter's wedding. A little bit of background - my dh and I have been together for 20 years. We have three children together and he has two grown up daughters from his first marriage.

We have always been present in his daughters lives, they stayed with us every weekend, paid maintenance religiously etc. The eldest daughter and I have always had a fractious relationship. She has always resented her father remarrying and was horrified at us having our children.

Over the years she has made it quite obvious she doesn't see them as her siblings, she never bothers with their birthdays or takes an interest in their lives. She is obviously polite to them when she visits her dad but that's about as far as it goes.

Now to the current issue. She has just got engaged and is planning the wedding. She wants the full works - three course meal, top table etc. She plans to have her mother and father on the top table, along with the groom's parents and her step father. Also the groom's brother and her full sibling.

She wants to have a child free wedding but has extended the courtesy of inviting our three children (ages 5, 10 and 12). However, she does not want them to be part of the wedding party and I am not allowed on the top table.

This is obviously a very public slur towards us and I'm not sure how to approach it. My children and I are literally the only immediate family to not be involved in the wedding party. We are to be seated alone on a random table.

Her mother has many friends attending the wedding (rightly so), we are not allowed any. She also wants £3,500 pounds from us towards the cost of it all.

Would I be unreasonable to say thanks but no thanks- my children and I will not be attending?

And I would also go and take the moral high ground as support for dh as much as anything else (unless you felt it would be too awkward for everyone)

My dh was party to a conversation between his daughter and her mother joking about putting me and the kids in our place at the wedding

And he obviously passed this on to you.

Why?

I wouldn’t go, SD sounds like she wants to humiliate you and her half brothers and sisters

You'll only know if there is a massive snub when you see an actual seating plan (or dad does). If you are sat at the very back with 4 old work colleagues say that is an obvious snub compared to bear the front with husbands family.
You won't know the seating plan for a while so assume its okay until husband can check it out and get you moved if am obvious snub there.

The fact she's invited your children to her child free wedding does actually say something.

Tbh, given your relationship and the child free thing she could have not invited the children and that would likely have meant you couldn't go.

What does your DH's ex think of you and his children? With her step-father on the top table, little in jokes between mother and daughter I'd actually wonder how much of it was her mother's doing.

The fact she invited you and the kids shows she does care about her Dad. I'd go. Take the potential olive branch and if it's a snub on the day then you know, but at least no-one can ever have a go at you for not going as you've done right by her.

Pretty much same thing happened to my brother at the weddings of both his 'lovely 🙄' stepdaughters he'd brought up and supported for years. Sat at the back then husband 1 waxes all lyrical bout their deceased father who did fa for them period. Brothers view was wife should have refused to sit top table and sat with him n daughter, she ignored it, split them up in the end he was so hurt. I'd be inclined to say and do same

She can do whatever she wants with regards to invites....however she does NOT get to stipulate what money (if any) you get to contribute!!tell her to go jump!!

@Notsurewhat1981

Not sure I follow.
Was husband no1, not their bio father?

split them up in the end he was so hurt. I'd be inclined to say and do same
Split up over this? The relstionsbip couldn't have been that healthy in the first place if they decided to split over this.

Bet when she has dc she expects free child care... I would be staying home or taking dc on a nice trip. Your dh should be cringing he raised such a cow..
My older dc adore their half siblings. And no parenting differences are EVER mentioned with any relevance.

Why have you resurrected a thread that is well over three years old, just to insult someone?

I think your being a bit unreasonable if I'm being honest. It's her wedding day and bridesmaids are for her to chose. You've already said she doesn't pay them much attention. She probably wants her friends as bridesmaids. Not everyone wants little kids.
As for the top table, come on, she's not going to want her step mum on there also, it's a bit insulting to her mum. Mum and dad on the top table as usual is normal. Therefore you and your children do belong on a normal table.
As for the money, im sure you've already agreed to contribute. It's your husband's daughter's big day. Don't make it all about you. Just go along, enjoy yourself and be grateful you got an invite.

After reading your update about being put in your place I'd be inclined to let the kids go but I wouldn't go. I would book a lovely and very expensive treat day out for myself.

She's not being gracious allowing her siblings to attend.

To be honest I could picture this exact scenario with my DSDs except I've happily disentangled from the lot of them.

I think she sounds unbearable & rude. I would understand her only having her mum & dad on top table. But if she's having step dad, she should have you also.

As for her siblings, Well she's not unreasonable there unless she's having other bridesmaids that are their age.

I wouldn't give her a brass farthing & I would expect my husband to support me.
Strong words to her & a massive attitude adjustment or she wouldn't be having any of us at her show wedding.

I don't think you are being unreasonable not to go but I think it would be a shame if you didn't (she is also not being unreasonable). She's making an exception so your DC can attend, I see that as almost an olive branch on her side - she could have easily said they weren't allowed. This stuck out to me though
My children and I are literally the only immediate family to not be involved in the wedding party
I'm sorry but you are not her immediate family, her parents are.

I'm sorry but you are not her immediate family, her parents are.

its funny how ‘they’re your family now’ only applies when the SM is supposed to give up things and put herself out for the SC.

And ‘your children’s siblings’ is a guilt trip for SM’s but somehow they aren’t really siblings in this kind of situation.

@Star455 I’d just not go. Do something nice with your children instead. And leave the SC to have the first family wedding she wants.

ZOMBIE ALERT!!

Argh.

I wish MN would just automatically close threads after a year. It would prevent this.

I feel like your disappointment is really on you here (not that I dont feel sad for you) but you say you always had a "fractious" relationship. Why would she have a step mum she doesn't get on with at the top table? Why would she have her half siblings in the wedding party when she doesn't even acknowledge their birthdays? And talks to them "politely but distantly". It makes absolutely no sense and I really feel you should have been expecting it to be like this given what you've written about the relationship dynamics among you all.

SHIT I cant believe I got bitten by a zombie :(

I bet the SD has had a baby by now and op was upset yo find out she won't be called grandma.

Op I can totally understand why you are upset but you aren't her mother, you feel upset as if she is your child and that's demonstrates your love for her.

You have been invited to her wedding as guest and that's absolutely fine. Your children aren't part of the wedding part it doesn't matter. They will be none of the wiser:

What I would be challenging is the money aspect who is paying the 3.5K? As she is assuming that you are all equally parent which clearly you are not. If your hubby is paying it out of his own account/ saving whatever that absolutely none of your business. If however, it's coming out it a joint account id be informing hubby that he can pay his £1750 if he chooses but yoo will be giving her a gift like any other wedding guest.

What you really need to look forward to is your own children weddings and how special they will be.

Think the issue is here she is expecting you to contribute as a parent but then is treating you like a guest. She can't have it both ways, she clearly doesn't want you at the top table and her reasoning is absolutely acceptable.

If you can afford it book a week away and go.

This is such a good post with good advice.

I think you’re incredibly selfish to make her wedding all about you. It confirms why she has a poor relationship with you.

I understand why you would have liked your daughters to be bridesmaids. However, it is a child free wedding and they are invited. How big do you think a top table is? I’m guessing you’re sat at another table due to the age of your dc. This way you can watch them and her father can be with her. She wants her mum and dad there with her on her big day.

You are also the one putting your husband in this situation, not his daughter. You’re guilting him for his daughters decisions which isn’t fair at all.