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Original poster

Wedding Issues

207 replies

Star455 · 21/04/2019 13:22

Hi there. I'm after some advice regarding my step daughter's wedding. A little bit of background - my dh and I have been together for 20 years. We have three children together and he has two grown up daughters from his first marriage.

We have always been present in his daughters lives, they stayed with us every weekend, paid maintenance religiously etc. The eldest daughter and I have always had a fractious relationship. She has always resented her father remarrying and was horrified at us having our children.

Over the years she has made it quite obvious she doesn't see them as her siblings, she never bothers with their birthdays or takes an interest in their lives. She is obviously polite to them when she visits her dad but that's about as far as it goes.

Now to the current issue. She has just got engaged and is planning the wedding. She wants the full works - three course meal, top table etc. She plans to have her mother and father on the top table, along with the groom's parents and her step father. Also the groom's brother and her full sibling.

She wants to have a child free wedding but has extended the courtesy of inviting our three children (ages 5, 10 and 12). However, she does not want them to be part of the wedding party and I am not allowed on the top table.

This is obviously a very public slur towards us and I'm not sure how to approach it. My children and I are literally the only immediate family to not be involved in the wedding party. We are to be seated alone on a random table.

Her mother has many friends attending the wedding (rightly so), we are not allowed any. She also wants £3,500 pounds from us towards the cost of it all.

Would I be unreasonable to say thanks but no thanks- my children and I will not be attending?

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Bleubelle · 21/04/2019 13:29

This could be my daughter you’re posting about, there’s many similarities. It’s your SD’s day and you really have no say in it, you either take up the invitation offered or decline it. As is often said on here it’s an invite not a summons.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/04/2019 13:34

Why would you want your friends to attend?

I think she's gone for a good middle ground and made the exception for the children to attend when no others aren't.

Given you don't get on I wouldn't expect to be sat at the top table. You can choose to attend or stay home. It's an invite not a summons.

As for a contribution, that's down to your husband. She's his daughter.

Not sure if the relevance of child support whatsoever. He's a parent so should support his children.

TheCraicDealer · 21/04/2019 13:43

I actually think she's being reasonable enough. Presumably there is a considerable age gap between her and your DC and they've never been close- it's fine that she doesn't want to include them in her wedding party in those circumstances. And whilst top tables can be big, you'd be asking her to add another four seats on to accommodate you and your children- assuming of course you'd want to sit with them during the actual meal. Sometimes it's just not practical.

It's up to your DH if he wants to contribute the funds, but I would try to appreciate that she's trying to tread a fine line and not offend her mum or dad whilst still having the day she wants. There's nothing in your OP to suggest she's being unfair.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 21/04/2019 13:45

Honestly who give a shit where you sit on the day? I’ve never understood why these things are a big deal. You and the kids are invited. Would you be going if you didn’t feel
Snubbed about this? Is it worth potentially creating more of a row about this? In the big scheme of things, does it really matter? By your own admission, this is a fractious relationship.

Money is a completely different ball game. Either you have the cash and want to give it to her or you don’t. However it is tradition for the bride’s family to contribute. It shouldn’t mean they get to make a claim on how anything is done or organised. It’s her and her fiancés day.

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/04/2019 13:46

I personally wouldn't go. And i wouldn't be contributing a penny either.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2019 13:49

What does your husband think? Does he want to sit with his ex? Does he want to contribute the amount she’s asked for (or anything)?

If you hadn’t said he paid child support you’d have been asked within a couple of posts if he had with the suggestion he owes her cash for her wedding, so I totally get that!

You don’t have to go, it sounds like the relationship has always been fractious. Have a chat with your husband and then make decisions on the various issues between you.

Drum2018 · 21/04/2019 13:50

You wouldn't be unreasonable not to attend. What does your Dh think? I wouldn't be paying towards a wedding where it's obvious you and your children are not really welcome. I would hope your dh would not give her £3500 of your family money. If she and her partner cannot afford to pay for their wedding then they should scale it right back to one they can afford.

Original poster
Star455 · 21/04/2019 13:59

Thanks for all the responses. It's always good to get other perspectives. My dh is obviously in a very tricky situation. He is very upset that he has to sit 'alone' and that all his children can't be directly involved. We had dreams of bridesmaids etc. It's a shame but as others have pointed out, it's her big day so she can have it however she likes. Can't say it doesn't hurt though!

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/04/2019 14:01

I think where one parent has been absent for most of their daily lives and only saw them EOW that they have been gracious including him in the top table.

CarolDanvers · 21/04/2019 14:01

It’s fine not to go. I wouldn’t. However I don’t really see that she’s done anything wrong. She doesn’t see you as immediate family and wants her wedding day to be focussed on her and got her parents to play a role but not you.

CarolDanvers · 21/04/2019 14:03

Also did she tell you and your DH she was “expecting” that amount of a contribution or is that just how much the wedding has turned out to be costing and your DH wants to pay it?

whiteroseredrose · 21/04/2019 14:04

So her step father is on the top table but not her step mother?

LikeDolphinsCanSwim · 21/04/2019 14:04

It’s fine to not go, and fine to not pay. It’s her day, she can pay for it. Or if she wants the money, she needs to be more inclusive. Her choice.

Drum2018 · 21/04/2019 14:07

To add, I do think YABU expecting that your kids would form part of the wedding party. If she just about acknowledges them then she's hardly going to want them as bridesmaids over people who she has a good relationship/bond with.

lifebegins50 · 21/04/2019 14:07

I think your disappointment is a result of expectations, my oldest didn't want young bridesmaids, her choice. I had thought she would include family but I had made assumptions.

I actually think you sitting with the children is what often happens at weddings anyway.
I really don't think it will be seen as a slur by anyone so don't worry about that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2019 14:07

And that’s not what OP said is it IceCreamAndCandyfloss, she and her DH had the DC every weekend. But don’t let reading the full post get in the way of having a pop.

Original poster
Star455 · 21/04/2019 14:11

It's true she doesn't see us as family and I suppose I always knew that really. I suppose it's a bit more confronting when it's there in black and white for all to see.
I have spent the last twenty years helping to bring her up, paying for her, taking her on holidays etc etc. It's a shame we couldn't all be more bonded after all that effort.

Anyway, I think I'll bow out and leave them all to have a lovely day. The invitation was obviously just a courtesy to appease her father but in reality she'll have a much better day without us there.

And yes she did tell us what she wanted before we offered. She wants £3500 from us, the same from her mum and step dad and £4000 from the groom's parents. This is what she has budgeted and this is what she will get.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/04/2019 14:12

So her step father is on the top table but not her step mother

Presumably her step father has been in her life a lot more, likely has provided financial support etc. Very different circumstances.

As for the dreaming of bridesmaids, who does that when they have a poor relationship with the bride.

Amongstthetallgrass · 21/04/2019 14:14

I wouldn’t go. And I know my Dh would be furious especially that the kids were being snubbed too.

I’ve actually been to a wedding where some thing similar happened. The daughters mother still couldn’t get past her ex making a life for himself and encouraged to ban her from the top table. It was a small triumph for the brides mother! Sad really. The SM didn’t didn’t actually go and went away for the weekend. However - every one was commenting it, her not being there was actually the talk of day. It left a really sour bitter taste to the event.

OP it’s really unfair when members of your family choose to make horrible points on special occasions but I think it says more about their immaturity and state of mind than you.

I wouldn’t bother going and I wouldn’t let your kids be snubbed either. She clearly thinks very little of her dad.

No way would I be giving her a penny either so. Fuck her.

CarolDanvers · 21/04/2019 14:16

The SM didn’t didn’t actually go and went away for the weekend. However - every one was commenting it, her not being there was actually the talk of day. It left a really sour bitter taste to the event.

Because the SM wasn’t there? Sure it did Hmm. I bet no one gave two hoots after a glass of Prosecco or two.

PrimrosePhantasm · 21/04/2019 14:16

But how are you her “immediate family”. You married her Dad. That doesn’t give you any rights. Clearly her stepfather has been a lot more involved in her life than you have.
You reap what you sow op.

Amongstthetallgrass · 21/04/2019 14:16

In fact my Dh would not go if he couldn’t sit as a family with his kids. No one would dictate to him where his kids sat - especially if he was paying towards it

Amongstthetallgrass · 21/04/2019 14:19

carol actually they did. Especially when the drink started. How odd your saying something g never happened when you wasn’t even there 😂😂

Hollowvictory · 21/04/2019 14:20

I didn't have step parents on my top table.
In your position I would not expect to be on the top table, you aren't her parent. She's invited your children even though it's a child free wedding. I can't see why they have to be part of the wedding party. 8 think you're unreasonable sorry

CarolDanvers · 21/04/2019 14:21

I just don’t believe that an entire wedding was soured for an entire day because one guest didn’t turn up. I think it’s wishful thinking on your part.