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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Court orders stepchildren to live with me. Suffering with depression

208 replies

Quazzies · 17/12/2018 12:03

Hi idk if this is the right place but it's worth a shot right?

I'll try and cut it short. I have 2 children of my own, a 2 yo girl and a 14 week old baby.
12 and a half weeks ago my partners children got removed from their mother for DV, drug and alcohol abuse and neglect. An interim child arrangement order got granted for the assessment period so SS can carry out and engage with their mother. The order expires in April.
So basically in the space of 2 and a half weeks I went from a mother of 1 to a mother of 4 and all children being under 4. The eldest has just turned 5 and the eldest isn't biologically my partners so we receive support for her.
SS have offered barely any support to help me parent these children which has led to me being severely depressed and unable to bond with my baby. I just feel so helpless and completely useless in this situation.
I'm scared to go and get help for my mental health because I'm scared that SS will take all of the children away as I don't really have a support network. I don't get any support from my family and my partner works full time. I am jist completely mentally exhausted all the time and find myself getting angry all the time. I don't drive and there isn't a bus service so I'm just constantly stuck in the house all the time.

I guess I really just need some help and no one seems to be offering it

OP posts:
freshfoodpeople · 20/12/2018 05:02

I think if you abort your own child for this one and the other, you will both never forgive yourself , your partner and come to resent these children immensely . And what if they get returned to their mother next year and you've had an abortion based on a maybe?. Unlike a previous poster, I would not sacrifice my own child for the other two. Sorry, just would not especially if the concept of an abortion was throwing me for such a loop and I was unstable mentally already

I've seen your update where you've decided not to abort, but just wanted to say that I agreed with the above. There isn't any way in hell I'd ever sacrifice my own child/ren for any one else.

Good luck! It may be tough going in the beginning, but once all the help is in place, it'll hopefully get easier. Flowers

MintyT · 20/12/2018 05:34

I did wonder how old you are, you sound much older than 23. I think you should keep the baby it will work it's self out, yes you will be very busy, but goodness me it will be lovely a few years down the line - I wish you every happiness

lazymare · 20/12/2018 05:49

Don't have another child with this man. He's not exactly dad of the year as it is.

lazymare · 20/12/2018 05:55

Oops sorry I've seen your update.

Original poster
Quazzies · 20/12/2018 08:20

Called the Drs again this morning and all the appts have already gone. My Dr is going to give me a call back though so at least that something.

OP posts:
vuripadexo · 20/12/2018 09:48

Can you get on more secure birth control after this? you sound like you can cope just about with another child but six is probably too much, no?

Original poster
Quazzies · 20/12/2018 09:55

Sending OH for a vasectomy tbh. I had an appt on29th for coil fitting

OP posts:
CommanderDaisy · 20/12/2018 10:13

Now that I am happy to hear about he definitely needs snipping!

zzzzz · 20/12/2018 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkyredrose · 20/12/2018 10:45

Well he keeps creating children with no intention of looking after them so the snip is probably the best idea.

pinkyredrose · 20/12/2018 10:49

OP how old is your partner? You're not married are you? I'd be tempted to leave just with your own children, you've got way too much to deal with.

CommanderDaisy · 20/12/2018 11:31

zzzzz . No.......reallly? Gee, I had no idea.
Thank you for sharing such radical news.

Context is often everything.

zzzzz · 20/12/2018 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ViragoKnows · 20/12/2018 11:46

that's what I think too, I love all of my children with all my heart, how can I not take the opportunity to give more love. It'll be bloody hard work but every smile, laugh, cuddle and kiss is all worth it.

That sounds like a sentiment from a greetings card or a fridge magnet.

You apparently started the thread because your MH wasnt holdingup inder the strain of four young children.

If that is the case, you need some definite plans, support & strategies.

A schmaltzy idea that you can now add another newborn into the mix and it will all be great, because smiles, is, frankly, odd.

ViragoKnows · 20/12/2018 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CommanderDaisy · 20/12/2018 12:11

zzzzz , considering that the Op's partner has been involved in a couple of whoops pregnancies, the OP is buckling under the weight of her kindness to his ex's children and her MH problems, is pregnant again, he is not pulling his weight to sort this and is skittish about the Op's current pregnancy and seems to be agreeing about the vasectomy ...I don't think a tiny bit of "Yay vasectomy" levity is even vaguely out of line in that...... context.

Not necessary at all to charge in as a champion of choice but nice use of the word vile.

zzzzz · 20/12/2018 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Quazzies · 20/12/2018 12:20

@CommanderDaisy pretty much got it in one.

I've spoken to the Dr over the phone this morning and she's prescribed me an anti-depressant called fluoxitine? Any experiences?

Just to clarify that vasectomy was actually DP idea and not mine

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 20/12/2018 12:33

If you're not married then they're not your stepchildren, they're your boyfriends child and the child's sibling. You shouldn't have responsibility for them.

Are you planning in staying with this man?

VanGoghsDog · 20/12/2018 12:56

If you're not married then they're not your stepchildren

Maybe focus on the important stuff?

pinkyredrose · 20/12/2018 13:41

That is important stuff! It means a hell of a lot!

Original poster
Quazzies · 20/12/2018 13:47

@pinkyredrose I've been awarded PR by the courts as well as my OH. It's a child arrangement order that we have

OP posts:
makingmiracles · 20/12/2018 14:10

if you’re not married they’re not your stepchildren ODFOD what a ridiculous thing to say, in a legal sense no, but in a practical sense, most definitely they are her stepchildren.

I think you’re doing well under the circumstances, priority number one needs to be your mental health, glad to hear the dr has prescribed ADs-I take it she knows you are pregnant?

You need to shout loud when it comes to SS, as another poster says, request a TAC meeting in regards to the oldest child, it’s in SS best interest to keep that child out of care, it costs them a shed load of money for them to accommodate the child so complain enough and they will end up pulling out the stops to make your life easier, trust me, I’ve had holidays and days out money offered and all sorts. A funded nursery place for the 2yr old would be a starting point and maybe they can get a mentoring charity or something involved, someone to come in and take the older child out and do stuff with them.

I cannot reliterate enough how hard you have to shout to get heard and things get done, keep ringing, keep emailing, keep complaining, be a nuisance to them.

rightreckoner · 20/12/2018 14:23

ODFOD what a ridiculous thing to say, in a legal sense no, but in a practical sense, most definitely they are her stepchildren

Not at all ridiculous to point this out. The legal sense could end up being very important. The OP has taken on a huge amount of responsibility - emotionally and financially - for children for whom she may end up making major sacrifices. Even considering terminating a pregnancy for their sakes. If those children are not legally hers, it's highly relevant. Birth mum could get her act together and get them back and whilst that would solve some of OP's problems, she needs to know this is the situation before she makes decisions about her own body and her own future.

From what the OP says subsequently, she does seem to have PR. But earlier intimated that the birth mother could get her act together and take control again. Honestly, it's very important to understand exactly where you stand, legally. Since this arrangement seems to have come about by default, it may be that there hasn't been all that much legal clarity. There certainly hasn't been much official help.

Phuquocdreams · 20/12/2018 14:27

Being an “official” (married) stepmother doesn’t give you any additional legal rights over children over being an “unofficial” (unmarried) stepmother. So not sure what is the point of outlining how she is not a stepmother in your eyes?