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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Court orders stepchildren to live with me. Suffering with depression

208 replies

Quazzies · 17/12/2018 12:03

Hi idk if this is the right place but it's worth a shot right?

I'll try and cut it short. I have 2 children of my own, a 2 yo girl and a 14 week old baby.
12 and a half weeks ago my partners children got removed from their mother for DV, drug and alcohol abuse and neglect. An interim child arrangement order got granted for the assessment period so SS can carry out and engage with their mother. The order expires in April.
So basically in the space of 2 and a half weeks I went from a mother of 1 to a mother of 4 and all children being under 4. The eldest has just turned 5 and the eldest isn't biologically my partners so we receive support for her.
SS have offered barely any support to help me parent these children which has led to me being severely depressed and unable to bond with my baby. I just feel so helpless and completely useless in this situation.
I'm scared to go and get help for my mental health because I'm scared that SS will take all of the children away as I don't really have a support network. I don't get any support from my family and my partner works full time. I am jist completely mentally exhausted all the time and find myself getting angry all the time. I don't drive and there isn't a bus service so I'm just constantly stuck in the house all the time.

I guess I really just need some help and no one seems to be offering it

OP posts:
vuripadexo · 17/12/2018 15:49

Your partner sounds useless. I would do whatever I can to get back into work and have him be the main carer. I would not make yourself financially dependent on him in the long term.

GhostSauce · 17/12/2018 15:51

Out of curiosity, what would happen to the eldest if you said you were unable to continue to have them? What about their own father?

Am I right in thinking the eldest child is the child of the man she cheated on your partner with? If so why are you obligated to take in this child?

It's very sad and would be ideal for the siblings to be together, but I do not see how you are officially obligated to raise the child of another man that is not related to wither of you.

Are you receiving adequate funds for this child?

What does your partner want to happen? Does he want them both to stay with you?

Thespace · 17/12/2018 15:57

I think you should tell social services that you can only look after the children with appropriate support in place. And don’t agree or sign anything until that support is up and running. I find they jump a bit quicker if you put it in writing to the social worker, the manager and the head of children’s services.

Thespace · 17/12/2018 15:57

I would also make the point that your two children are suffering.

schopenhauer · 17/12/2018 16:05

Totally agree this is a really tough situation and I feel sorry for both you and the two older kids. You are doing a great thing to help the poor things but it must be so hard. You need to make them listen, kick up a big fuss. Your two year old should certainly be eligible for the nursery hours in your situation. I would be bugging them on the phone constantly. Who cares if the think you’re a nusiance! You’re saving the state a huge amount by not letting these kids go in to care.

In practical terms get yourself a double buggy, I always see the joie one on Facebook selling and I thought it was great. Force yourself to go out every day, wind or shine and let the two and get the older kids running around and the baby having some fresh air. Do you have a park similar nearby? You will he helped by the exercise and it will tide the kids out a bit. Good luck op!

combatbarbie · 17/12/2018 19:52

Surely in that situation you'd be eligible for the 15/30hrs for the 2 & 3 yr old?

HerondaleDucks · 17/12/2018 20:21

You are a wonder woman.
From my experience of social services... you have to kick and scream and fight for everything. I wouldn't worry about discussing your mental health you just say you need help and you need it now.

We had to involve the mp in the end to get respite back for our family as dss has complex needs.

We have been approached twice by my dp ex social worker to care for her new baby with her partner for very similar reasons to what you are going through. I was not as amazing as you though and said no. I already care for two step children, I couldn't take in another that was no relation to my partner.

I would look into any groups to offer support and definitely demand more support from social services, you have made their lives a lot easier. Foster placements across the country are thin on the ground...

Your dp needs to help you with a long term plan, the onus should not be solely on you. That's unfair.

Original poster
Quazzies · 17/12/2018 21:18

Thank you everyone for your advice, support and kind words! It's helped me a lot to come to terms what I'm dealing with and what action I now need to take.

@GhostSauce the eldest child would go into care as no one on her side of the family is compatible to care for her. She has no idea who her biological father is and he too is a bum with no job, DV history and abuses drugs and alcohol.

@HerondaleDucks their mother is currently pregnant with her 3rd child, I too can already see the SW asking me to care for the baby when it's born which will definitely be a firm NO.

I've been trying to contact the SW for over a week now with no luck. It's like she is purposely ignoring me because she already knows that I'm finding it difficult and has said that there are going to be changes and I've not seen anything improve as of yet.

She contacted me two weeks ago saying that she was going to give us £200 towards Christmas and £150 for some drawers for the girls as I'm currently still putting their stuff back into a suitcase which is really annoying. She also said that they were going to reimburse me for school uniform. Since then I've been trying to contact her regarding this and haven't heard anything.

The last thing I want is for the girls to go into care, it's almost like they're setting me up to fail.

Sorry about the ranting, I'm just so overwhelmed by all of this. Thanks again for everyone offering advice and support.

OP posts:
rightreckoner · 17/12/2018 21:27

This is so wrong Quazzies. They should be queuing up to help you out, not throwing you bits and bobs to keep you quiet. I think other posters are right - tell them you cannot go on. They need an emergency meeting about your family’s needs - this week.

liqorice · 17/12/2018 21:28

Speak honestly to the health visitor

To the children's centre

And to the school/nursery

You may be able to request a TAC (team around a child) it's NOT social services involvement... but it can get you help from early intervention

If you go under they'll be paying a lot more money to sort things out and they'll be keen to prevent that and buffer you

liqorice · 17/12/2018 21:31

Sorry somehow missed SS already involved and fobbing you off. Speak to the manager and go right over the social workers head.

Request a meeting with them urgently via the school if need be. Schools tend to get people to jump faster than parents

RobinHobb · 17/12/2018 21:36

@quazzies
Wtaf? I am filled with rage on your behalf that Ss isn’t bending over backwards to help you. You sound very calm, but I struggle with two under two and I’m not sure how you manage your lot with a newborn as well. I think MH issues aside, anyone in that situation would struggle - I know that the sleepless nights with my newborn left me so tired and depressed. Everyone was quick to mention PND but all help to let me have just one night of sleep after months of broken sleep...(single mother).
Anyway it sounds appallingly difficult. Amazing of you to take them in, but I agree with PP about having a strop with Ss and an ultimatum and they might focus on you. The last time a GP receptionist said the GP couldn’t see my baby (40 degree temp, history of febrile convulsions) I said I’d go to a&e and wait there. They saw her that same day. It’s not great but in these situations throwing a tantrum does achieve something. I can’t imagine how you are coping.... well done

Original poster
Quazzies · 17/12/2018 21:36

@rightreckoner I had a full blown panic attack around 3 weeks ago, it was the most horrific experience of my life and I almost ended it all, my OH and I both told SW what had gone off and it's still exactly the same. I had all the girls clothes packed and everything waiting for SW to come and get them but luckily it was a Friday when it happened so they just forgot about us again. I know I wouldn't have it in me to send the girls into care and I think they know that too and I think that's why they seem to be ignoring all my requests. Famous quote "I don't want the placement to break down" but yet are doing nothing to prevent that from happening. It's bloody ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quazzies · 17/12/2018 21:39

Just to add for a PP, we receive REG 24 payments for the eldest child. (Gov allowance for fostering)

OP posts:
Original poster
Quazzies · 17/12/2018 21:41

@RobinHobb I'm far from calm, I literally feel like I'm melting into the ground, everyday is a struggle just battling my own thoughts NVM the having the responsibility for four children 😭

OP posts:
rightreckoner · 17/12/2018 21:50

This is terrible Quazzies

Can you go to your GO with all four and say you cannot go on? You have a SW who seems to be ignoring you but can they ignore the GP? Don’t know as I have no experience.

What is your DP suggesting ? If he is not on the phone 24/7 to SS then he needs to be.

rightreckoner · 17/12/2018 21:51

GP

Evenstar · 17/12/2018 21:53

Link here to information about funding for disadvantaged two year olds, speak to SS about whether you could access help for the toddlers www.workingfamilies.org.uk/articles/free-childcare-for-children-aged-two-three-and-four/

RandomMess · 17/12/2018 21:57

ThanksThanksThanksThanks

Four all of a sudden is overwhelming and you are doing amazingly to hold it together as much as you are.

Please make a nuisance of yourself to SS to get the support you need.

It will get better, hang in there!

Hopefully you have applied/updated a housing benefit claim etc?

Original poster
Quazzies · 17/12/2018 22:01

RandomMess we do not meet the eligibility criteria for any benefit as my DP earns too much

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/12/2018 22:04

Even with 4 DC?

I understand if you don't but always worth checking!!

I got help via the local college students studying as nursery nurses.

Original poster
Quazzies · 17/12/2018 22:04

rightreckoner I'm going to contact my GP tomorrow and get help. I need to for the children.

My partner is at his wits end with seeing me like this, I spend 75% of each day in tears or just angry at everything, I also hate being like this and I try to remain positive but there is only so much I can take before I have a meltdown

OP posts:
Original poster
Quazzies · 17/12/2018 22:05

RandomMess he earns other the annual threshold for us to qualify for any benefits

OP posts:
anniehm · 17/12/2018 22:22

You need to speak to social services about proper financial support for the non biological child (they cannot help you with the other but the amount they can pay for the eldest is quite a wide band), you also need social services to get you support for the children from cahms because of what they have been through, sooner it happens the better the outcome. Homestart could help and possibly council could help with discretionary funding for your 2 year old at nursery part time

anniehm · 17/12/2018 22:23

Ps as a foster parent (which you are as took in non biological child) there's probably benefits you become eligible for,

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