Court orders stepchildren to live with me. Suffering with depression

[Quazzies]

Hi idk if this is the right place but it's worth a shot right?

I'll try and cut it short. I have 2 children of my own, a 2 yo girl and a 14 week old baby.
12 and a half weeks ago my partners children got removed from their mother for DV, drug and alcohol abuse and neglect. An interim child arrangement order got granted for the assessment period so SS can carry out and engage with their mother. The order expires in April.
So basically in the space of 2 and a half weeks I went from a mother of 1 to a mother of 4 and all children being under 4. The eldest has just turned 5 and the eldest isn't biologically my partners so we receive support for her.
SS have offered barely any support to help me parent these children which has led to me being severely depressed and unable to bond with my baby. I just feel so helpless and completely useless in this situation.
I'm scared to go and get help for my mental health because I'm scared that SS will take all of the children away as I don't really have a support network. I don't get any support from my family and my partner works full time. I am jist completely mentally exhausted all the time and find myself getting angry all the time. I don't drive and there isn't a bus service so I'm just constantly stuck in the house all the time.

I guess I really just need some help and no one seems to be offering it

Go to your nearest children's centre (or ring them) and explain the situation. They are usually staffed by kind people who will do their utmost to help you.

Bloody hell, hats off to you!
But you need to demand some support. It's just not fair for you to be in this position without help.
What about your health visitor? Have you been honest with your step Childrens social worker? As another poster suggested - Childrens centre?
Is your dh having any time off over Christmas? Can he take emergency parental leave?
Ideally you'd source some long term, regular help.
You've done an amazing thing by taking the children in. I hope you get acknowledgment for this and whatever help, support, respite, funding etc that is available.
You're an amazing person. Never forget that.

What an incredibly difficult situation . You have done such a good thing, preventing these children having to go into the care of strangers, but I'm not surprised it is taking its toll on your health. I was in a slightly similar position when my DSC came to live with me and DH full time because of similar reasons. SS withdrew as soon as the DSc came to live with us and were out of their mum's care.

Does the children's mother have any sensible family members who can support you by taking the children out now and again and helping with care? We got DSCs maternal grandmother involved and she occasionally took them out for meals and once or twice, to her house overnight.

There is a charity called Homestart who have been going for years, they offer support to families in a number of practical ways, have a look at their website to see if they have workers in your area. I've heard really good things about them. I also second visiting a children's centre and asking SS about support to access nursery places to allow you some time with your baby.

I really hope your partner is supporting you through all this and doing his share of the work.

Bloody hell. That’s a lot for anyone. Don’t worry about having your children taken away because you can’t cope with having two extra sprung on you - that’s not going to happen. Most people would struggle. You get on to social services and you lay it on thick/lie - tell them you can’t cope, the children will have to be placed elsewhere, whatever it takes to galvanise them. They’re leaving you to it because they can. You need to make it less of an easy ride for them. Aside from that, children’s centre and health visitors, but you need to present as someone not managing and get yourself on the radar as being a high priority.

My goodness. You have taken on such a lot - it's appalling that you are not getting more help. SS should be on their knees thanking you for providing a loving home for these children, as should your DH. I'm sure he's working hard but are there options for him to take extended paternity leave or family leave just while you all get on top of this huge change in your lives?

I have no idea but I wonder if the adoption board might be able to help also as they probably know more about working with SS than most of us.

Congratulations on the new baby, by the way. For most women a new baby would be enough to deal with and you are dealing with so much more. I take my hat off to you

Four under four?! You mean your partner had a one year old and a newish baby with somene else at the time you first got pregnant by him?

He sounds lovely Why can’t he care for his children?

Hang on. How can the eldest have just turned five if twelve weeks ago they were all under four?

I think that your partner needs to be home right now.

Oh no, slightly wrong again. So she has a newish baby by someone else at the time he impregnated her, and when THAT, joint, baby of theirs was still newish, he impregnated you. And then impregnated you again a year or so later?

So there is now a chain of four young half siblings, with two fathers and two mothers between them?

And for some reason YOU are the one who has to parent these children? Why are you shouldering the burden at the expense of your MH? Do you even want to?

I'm assuming the OP meant they were 4 and under, give her a break! And if the other one is 3 then ages could work, or the OP's eldest might not be her partner's child. But lets not lose focus.

OP, SS will not take your children for getting MH support, in fact that is one of the first things they ask people to do if they struggling so that it doesn't reach the point of children being removed. Please get yourself some help. And tell the SW you are struggling, they will help if they know, unfortunately if you aren't saying anything then they will assume you are fine and be focusing their time on the families they are working with who aren't fine. The service is really stretched and you need to spell it out so that they can support you.

Homestart are great, I used to volunteer for them and it sounds like you could definitely do with an extra pair of hands occasionally and an ear to rant at, give them a call if they are in your area

Four under four?! You mean your partner had a one year old and a newish baby with somene else at the time you first got pregnant by him?

The OP says the eldest isn't biologically my partners so we receive support for her. so her partner only has one child with the other woman who he may not even have been in a relationship with. The OP doesn’t say the woman is his ex; just the mother.

Hang on. How can the eldest have just turned five if twelve weeks ago they were all under four?

The eldest has just turned 5 because children have birthdays and if the eldest has just turned five it stands to reason the birthday was in the last few weeks.

OP, this sounds really tough for you. What is your partner doing to help? Don’t worry about your children being taken away if you say to a HV or supper worker you are struggling. They want to keep the family together and at there to work with you to make it happen.

You mossed this bit ItIsChristmasTime. Do try to RTFT

Oh no, slightly wrong again. So she has a newish baby by someone else at the time he impregnated her, and when THAT, joint, baby of theirs was still newish, he impregnated you. And then impregnated you again a year or so later?

So there is now a chain of four young half siblings, with two fathers and two mothers between them?

And for some reason YOU are the one who has to parent these children? Why are you shouldering the burden at the expense of your MH? Do you even want to?

Please speak to the children's social worker/s. Explain what you've said on here about it affecting the bond with your baby. There are services that they will be able to refer to who can offer you support. Do you have any extended family who can provide some support?

Thank you everyone for all the recommendations of places that could possibly help me.

I have spoken to SS several times about it being hard work and that they need to put more of a support network in place and have also spoken to CAFCASS Too, they say they're trying but in the 12 and a half weeks they've been here nothing has changed on the support network front. I haven't mentioned my MH to them as I guess I'm just scared it is going to affect the situation badly.

There is no one from their mothers side of the family to help out as they're all the damn same and her mother (childrens mother)comes across as though she's completely okay with all her daughters actions and putting them in dangerous situations so she has been ruled out as a carer by the SS with an unsuccessful viability assessment.

My MIL and FIL help out the most but they're really old so I don't want to burden them with 4 young children where it can be avoided.

My own parents are completely useless, my father is a violent narcissist that isn't deemed fit around children and my mother is an alcoholic that's only interested in herself and her too alcoholic boyfriend.

I know I really need help with my MH and I've acknowledged that but idk how to put it into words at a Drs appointment, will they just give me tablets and send me on my way?

Just to clear it up for people getting confused the ages of the children are 5,3,2 and 17 weeks. The youngest are my own 2 children that I have with my partner.
My partner was with my stepchildrens mother for 10 years. In 2013 she cheated with another man and got pregnant. He left her and she tried to make a go of a family with the 5yo biological father, that broke down due to DV issues and SS involvement. I met my partner in 2014 where we were friends for 6 months then friends with benefit and so on. I then moved to Oxford to work which is where his ex became pregnant from a one night stand (yes my partner is an idiot). Discovering pregnancy with the 3yo my OH tried to make a go of things with his ex again for the sake of the children and again whilst she was pregnant she cheated on him multiple times so he broke up with her. Cue me coming back from Oxford (3 months before the 3yo was born) and obviously my partner and I became 'friend's again. Obviously now it's 2018 and we have 2 children together. Just thought I'd clear that up. Yes he's a moron for going back there but if he didn't he wouldn't have his daughter now who we both love.

My OH would absolutely love to leave work to stay at home with me and the kids but we are not in a great financial situation. Pur rent and bills alone are £1400pcm. He does really help a lot when he's not at work and does do night feeds too.

I guess it just helps having someone to talk to about everything. Thanks again

It’s just not right that you have to take the full responsibilty for a situation because you're the most responsible of the four parents.

I think you have to mention stress and depression to SS to pressure them into putting a package together for you. It'll be far cheaper than foster care for two children.

They won’t remove them just because you're getting depressed in an unbearable situation.

How many of the children are in nursery? Presumably the eldest is at school?

Eldest at school and 3yo in nursery 1 and a half days. Cannot afford to send my daughter anymore because of all the extra expense with the other 2 children.

I'll try to get in touch with the SW again, surely she's got to get back in touch soon enough after all the messages I've left lol.

No, it's certainly not right that I'm having to do this but I have to for the sake of the children, they didnt ask to be put into this situation but obviously their mother just cares about drugs, drink and men. Oh btw she's pregnant again too to the man that SS deemed unfit to be around her children after numerous risk assessments due to DV in his past relationships and drug abuse.

SS are openly talking about the children staying with us long term because the children's mother doesn't seem to be redeeming herself and is still testing positive for cocaine and high intake of alcohol use. Some people just aren't fit to parent.

Look, you are clearly an EXCELLENT parent, and you really could be their rescuer, but you have to start making more fuss about what the authorities are doing to you.

One of those kids isn't at all related to either you OR your partner. By rights, the child should be with a foster carer they have to pay, but it's cheaper to make you do it for free! Demand free preschool for both toddlers. Tell them if they don't, they can take the older one away and pay someone several hundred a week to care for them, as their presence is impacting hugely on your own children.

You're a good person but you aren't obligated to let people shit on you. Have a massive tantrum.

Have a massive tantrum.

I agree with this. Sometimes you need to shout.

Totally different situation but my DB has disabilities. After 14 years of struggling on her own, my mother asked for help. Got nowhere. Only by shouting and threatening to abandon him (she was desperate, no sleep for 3 years, etc) and reminding SS how much it would cost to look after him themselves, did she get help.

Firstly social services will not judge you for getting support for your mental health. They will see people with mental health difficulties every day and what is important is that the person is getting support, which can include medication, talking/counselling support or referral on to specialist services depending on individual needs. First port of call your GP. I would also be honest about this when you speak to the social worker.

I can see that what has happened is that they've placed the children with their father but he needs to work so the brunt of caring has fallen to you. Yes you should receive some funding for the child who is not biologically related and you should be getting child benefit for both children.

In some circumstances Social Care can provide discretionary funding for additional furniture you may need and they may also be able to help with nursery funding and even though your older child isn't under the SS themselves I would still see if you can get this, given the extra work in looking after two more children when you've had a new baby yourself.

In some areas The social worker can arrange a family group conference where they pull all available family members who may be able to offer support together to come up with support plan. Although I'll admit there doesn't seem much support available, but do you or your partner, or the children's mother have siblings who may be able to help at all.

I think that you and your partner need to speak to the social worker together.

Ask for a funded part time placement for the 2 year old, either via the 15hr vouchers for 2 year olds or as a special arrangement.

SS are openly talking about the children staying with us long term

Then theyre going to have to help. The elder two arent your children, if they want you be the main carer they have to step up. Get a bit assertive.

I honestly don’t think I could do this-it’s just not feasible if your mental health. I would be telling my partner that I couldn’t do it.

I do think you might need to get over your fear that as soon as you mention your mh it jeopardizes everything. That’s stopping you from causing a big fuss. You may not need to say anything about you mh anyway, you could put the focus on ‘ what extra support can you give and what other options are there ‘ and as others have said, cause a massive tantrum. Insist on meetings and visits.

They will have to respond.

The onus is on SS to tell you what they can do to make it work. Not on you to say why it is so stressful.

I wonder if you can talk to parents charities, any support networks, and foster agencies? To sound them all out? Get more advice.

For what it’s worth, although not half as stressful, I had two kids, one a baby, and had a period of being given one step child full time and two others sent to me all the time and it’s massively stressful, massively. I too had a hard time with my mh and bonding with the baby wasn’t easy whilst 5 of them were needing feeding, but also stropping around waking the baby up and leaving stair gates open. Nightmare. I’d never take it on again but their mother was totally capable just lazy so I was in a different situation.