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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Court orders stepchildren to live with me. Suffering with depression

208 replies

Quazzies · 17/12/2018 12:03

Hi idk if this is the right place but it's worth a shot right?

I'll try and cut it short. I have 2 children of my own, a 2 yo girl and a 14 week old baby.
12 and a half weeks ago my partners children got removed from their mother for DV, drug and alcohol abuse and neglect. An interim child arrangement order got granted for the assessment period so SS can carry out and engage with their mother. The order expires in April.
So basically in the space of 2 and a half weeks I went from a mother of 1 to a mother of 4 and all children being under 4. The eldest has just turned 5 and the eldest isn't biologically my partners so we receive support for her.
SS have offered barely any support to help me parent these children which has led to me being severely depressed and unable to bond with my baby. I just feel so helpless and completely useless in this situation.
I'm scared to go and get help for my mental health because I'm scared that SS will take all of the children away as I don't really have a support network. I don't get any support from my family and my partner works full time. I am jist completely mentally exhausted all the time and find myself getting angry all the time. I don't drive and there isn't a bus service so I'm just constantly stuck in the house all the time.

I guess I really just need some help and no one seems to be offering it

OP posts:
BlueJay1 · 20/12/2018 14:31

Their daddy should be helping.
He should take emergency leave for a couple of weeks until the SS arrange for additional support.
You can't be expected to cope with this on your own, with a newborn. But you won't get help unless you ask for it. & keep asking until you get.

Original poster
Quazzies · 20/12/2018 14:43

SW and I have had a long chat this morning about my MH and what they can do now to offer more support. Issues raised were nursery funding for my 2yo, more financial support so DP can cut his hours down. More support in terms with the children and learning how to manage their behaviour with courses etc. School move for 5yo (her current school is around17 miles away) funding the costs of a house move.

I honestly feel like since I've left everyone know I'm struggling I'm being offered loads more support. I've been referred to a MH team and been prescribed ADs. Doctor and HV knows I'm pregnant but haven't notified SS yet.

I feel like I'm getting somewhere to make life easier

OP posts:
Harpingon · 20/12/2018 16:02

Feeling very uneasy about this thread..

lazymare · 20/12/2018 16:48

If you're not married then they're not your stepchildren, they're your boyfriends child and the child's sibling.

Oh just piss off with that ridiculous view.

Branleuse · 20/12/2018 17:57

You will not get your children taken away. They couldnt find anyone else to take the ones you took on already, let alone two more. They bloody need you, and dont you forget that. You can demand more help. You can ask for support in getting into more affordable housing maybe, and nursery places. Your partner may also need to reduce his hours

VanGoghsDog · 20/12/2018 18:12

Whether she is a step parent or not is irrelevant because the one child has been placed with its father and the other placed with that child to keep the siblings together.
It is court ordered and SS are recognising the OP as a de facto foster carer for the older child and awarded her the foster carer payment.

For her own protection, and that of her own children, it would be better if she were married to the dp, but that's a different issue.

The "you're not really a step parent" comment sounded snide.

rightreckoner · 20/12/2018 19:30

I think it’s relevant because she’s de facto all sorts of things but legally not much. DP moves on and then what? Financially? Emotionally? I’m sure the OP intends to be a stepmother emotionally (this is all very recent I think) but the whole thing could change again tomorrow either because DP flakes out, Birth mum reappears, OP finds she can’t manage...

I don’t think it does OP any favours to gloss over the legalities and her (lack of) financial rights while she is unmarried and caring for children, one of whom neither she nor DP is related to, because she just happened to be there.

CommanderDaisy · 20/12/2018 19:46

zzzzz get over yourself.
It must be difficult twitching with angst every time someones phrasing upsets your social justice radar.
There's a time and place for politically correct faux outrage. This wasn't it.
Vile would be me stating that a disabled individual should be sterilised against their wishes.
The OP had no issue with the comment and like she said - it was her husbands idea.
Have a lovely day policing the evils of language.

zzzzz · 20/12/2018 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willow1992 · 20/12/2018 21:49

rightreckoner As a PP pointed out, you have no automatic rights to your partner's children whether you are married or not. You don't get PR for a child by marrying their parent, it has to be granted by a court.

OP has PR of the children, which is much more than 99% of married step parents have! Being married wouldn't make a jot of difference r.e. your 'emotionally' point.

Agree finances might be different depending on their situation.

rightreckoner · 20/12/2018 22:00

My point was that she may wish to be a stepmother to these children but in reality it’s more like a potential adoption since DP is not related either. And if he changes his mind and moves out OP is left on the hook for all the children morally because she feels she should and yet without having chosen this and without having any family ties to these children. She didn’t apply to adopt yet she is the only remaining adult stepping up.

I know how sensitive the stepmother issue is but insisting on the stepmother name doesn’t help all that much. That’s why I suggested the adoption board.

rightreckoner · 20/12/2018 22:01

And being married would alter the finances which is massive.

Yohooo · 20/12/2018 22:50

.

CommanderDaisy · 20/12/2018 23:08

zzzzz no sorries here.
It's not sexist in the slightest. Might want to revise your definition of that.
Sexism and other "isms' to relate to power.
The man in this case has the power to make a smart choice, and the intelligence to realise his wang has got him and his family into a difficult situation and that he needs a snip to avoid more trouble especially if he doesn't want more children . It's excellent news he has made this choice. So "yay , smart choice dude - you need a snip yesterday" doesn't classify as sexism in the slightest.

And the Op's situation doesn't horrify me - I feel for her, and think she's doing the best she can.

VanGoghsDog · 21/12/2018 01:40

rightreckoner

*she may wish to be a stepmother to these children but in reality it’s more like a potential adoption since DP is not related either. And if he changes his mind and moves out OP is left on the hook for all the children morally because she feels she should and yet without having chosen this and without having any family ties to these children. She didn’t apply to adopt yet she is the only remaining adult stepping up.

None of what you have said there alters with marriage (i.e. becoming a 'real' stepmother), except the potential to share finances.

And the DP is related to one of the kids, and the other is their sibling. We don't know (I don't think?) if he is mentioned on the birth cert of the one he is now told he is not the father of.

I'm afraid I am not a fan of this guy, he seems a bit slopey shouldered to me. Not taking responsibility for his kids, not taking responsibility for his sperm...not paying his way, not supporting his dp, getting out of stuff by using the 'work' card but clearly lying about that, saying he was worried but not actually doing anything to help.

rightreckoner · 21/12/2018 08:39

That’s my point van. Being a stepmother rather depends having a relationship with the DP. It doesn’t really have any status to it otherwise. So I wouldnt be pressing the OP to think of herself as a stepmother when DP hasn’t shown that he’s father or husband material. That’s why it’s closer to being asked to adopt imho.

Sorry if this is harsh OP and I hope your DP is stepping up and you do get this sorted.

VanGoghsDog · 21/12/2018 10:05

No-one is 'pressing her' to think of herself as a stepmother.
I actually can't understand what point you're trying to make at all.

rightreckoner · 21/12/2018 10:20

Someone said early on words to the effect of - you’re not really a stepmother. And someone else took exception to that.

I’m just trying to help the OP understand what she’s really looking at - without labels that don’t quite apply or may not apply.

I’m sure I’m not helping at all - but this is a big mess for the OP. I’m not sure the step parenting board is necessarily the right place for this since there’s so much else going on.

jessstan2 · 21/12/2018 11:06

Just want to say I am very glad you are being offered some real help. I read your op when you started the thread, several people had responded and I couldn't think of anything to add but the words, "This girl cannot do it all alone, especially with a young baby", were going through my head. I know you wanted to look after the children but were already fully stretched.

I hope it works out for you all, you've a good heart.
Flowers

HeebieJeebies456 · 25/12/2018 19:50

5 DC 5 and under at the age of 23, I must be mad
Mug, martyr, doormat.....they all sound apt too.

You already know that he won't step up and take responsibility for his kids - and you keep choosing to have more with him!
Cos that's such a good idea!

more financial support so DP can cut his hours down.
Or get a job that allows him time off for paid holidays as well?
He's bullshitting you about not being able to have paid holidays at his current job and you swallow it all.

Original poster
Quazzies · 09/01/2019 00:08

Hi guys, I know I haven't updated for quite a while. I miscarried yesterday morning and still ongoing. I'm literally in bits. Things were looking up and now I'm sad and heartbroken. Idk who I can turn to. My OH is being really supportive but now I just feel empty.

OP posts:
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 09/01/2019 00:41

I'm sorry about your miscarriage. I'm still struggling to get over mine but I'm getting there. I still get deeply sad every so often but it is easier now.

The first few days are hard after the numbness wears off. I think it takes a while for your hormones to settle back to normal.

SleepWarrior · 09/01/2019 01:00

Oh I'm so sorry Flowers It's such a terribly sad thing to go through, especially once you've got your head around being pregnant. Part of the awful empty feeling is the hormonal rollercoaster of the miscarriage so hopefully it won't stay feeling quite this bad. Glad your oh is being supportive. Have you told anyone else?

BackAwayFatty · 09/01/2019 01:13

I'm sorry about your miscarriage.

I went through one last month & it's hard going losing a much wanted baby.

I tell myself my time will come and it'll happen when it's meant to. We need a bigger house/car/ideally pay off credit card but got swept up in the pregnancy.

Next time round gives more time to be prepared.

OkPedro · 09/01/2019 01:13

One less stress for you op You're 23? You have two children and two step children? Those children have a mother who is an addict?
Is this how you saw your life panning out?
If you were my daughter I'd know I had failed at being a mother.
Honestly get yourself on proper contraception. Dump your "dp" and work on your self esteem