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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Court orders stepchildren to live with me. Suffering with depression

208 replies

Quazzies · 17/12/2018 12:03

Hi idk if this is the right place but it's worth a shot right?

I'll try and cut it short. I have 2 children of my own, a 2 yo girl and a 14 week old baby.
12 and a half weeks ago my partners children got removed from their mother for DV, drug and alcohol abuse and neglect. An interim child arrangement order got granted for the assessment period so SS can carry out and engage with their mother. The order expires in April.
So basically in the space of 2 and a half weeks I went from a mother of 1 to a mother of 4 and all children being under 4. The eldest has just turned 5 and the eldest isn't biologically my partners so we receive support for her.
SS have offered barely any support to help me parent these children which has led to me being severely depressed and unable to bond with my baby. I just feel so helpless and completely useless in this situation.
I'm scared to go and get help for my mental health because I'm scared that SS will take all of the children away as I don't really have a support network. I don't get any support from my family and my partner works full time. I am jist completely mentally exhausted all the time and find myself getting angry all the time. I don't drive and there isn't a bus service so I'm just constantly stuck in the house all the time.

I guess I really just need some help and no one seems to be offering it

OP posts:
Harpingon · 19/12/2018 11:56

In this situation I just couldn't put two children into care in order to have another child.

CityWallandaTrampoline · 19/12/2018 12:55

Agree with pp, sorry - I don’t think I could stay with or respect any man (or woman) who put their existing children into care so that they could go on to have more. Actually, I don’t understand why it’s even seen as a viable option for your partner to voluntarily put some of his children into care when they have a parent able to look after them (not you, OP - your partner really needs to step up and make sure he’s meeting his responsibilities to all of his children, whether you are able to help or not!).

Original poster
Quazzies · 19/12/2018 13:42

@ThisMustBeMyDream he works full time in a family run business and does not get paid holiday or sickness pay meaning that if he doesn't work he doesn't generate income. We do not have any savings to live on so he can help me. He earns £2000pcm and we receive £520pcm fostering allowance for the eldest child. He is terrible at managing money.

He has come home from work earlier and my MIL came round earlier to help too so I've calmed down a little bit.

I do not want to put the children into care as a care about their welfare and it would be too much for them to handle if they had to live with strangers.

Regarding pregnancy, I know the most logical thing to do would be to have a termination but I genuinely think that I couldn't go through with it and if some miracle happened that did make me go through with having a termination it would cause massive issues possibly followed by a breakdown in my relationship.
I know it's the 'right' thing to do in this situation I know that 100%. Whether I can actually go through with it is a completely different story. I'm completely anti-abortion so now I'm just at a loss. It is something that I will most definitely not be able to heal from, who knows what will happen?

OP posts:
Original poster
Quazzies · 19/12/2018 13:43

I feel heartbroken that it is even entering my thought process.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/12/2018 13:52

Even in a family run business...there is a legal minimum of annual leave. Because you are there..he won't take time off.

If you left him tomorrow and took your 2 children he would not see his other child go in care.

In regards to the pregnancy...it looks like you're already struggling with your 2 kids.... mentally and financially....Nevermind the additional 2. One more may just be the final straw and it could kill your relationship.

I would terminate unless I desperately wanted third child...but I'm pro choice.

zzzzz · 19/12/2018 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Quazzies · 19/12/2018 13:58

@SandyY2K he would not quit work to care for my stepchildren. If I walk, it all goes down. He complains that he has to take the eldest to school and cannot get to work on time because of this. Maybe I'm underestimating him but I'm 95% sure if our relationship broke down and I left that he would not care for the children. Certainly not full time anyway.

OP posts:
Thespace · 19/12/2018 13:59

He could get childcare like other single parents have to.

Original poster
Quazzies · 19/12/2018 14:00

@zzzzz that's what my plan would be, to get my mental health under control and to generate more income work the weekend (my own hours as I'm an MUA) whilst my OH isn't at work

OP posts:
Original poster
Quazzies · 19/12/2018 14:01

@Thespace he wouldn't pay for additional childcare, that's why my 2yo doesn't go to nursery anymore

OP posts:
zzzzz · 19/12/2018 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ariela · 19/12/2018 14:12

Could you ask the HV if she knows any lonely older ladies with no family might be interested in being a surrogate grandparent? I'm sure there's a matching service locally to here for that kind of thing, someone who can come in and help around the house, entertain a child for a while, take one out for a walk to the swings etc.

zzzzz · 19/12/2018 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 19/12/2018 14:24

Thank you for replying. You've helped me clarify the deeper issues.

I'm going to go right for the kill. I say this as a mum of 3 and "stepmum" to one. Your partner is the person responsible for your decline in mental health. He has brought this situation to you, and placed all responsibility over to you. A good man would not do this. He just wouldn't. No matter what the situation, he would find alternatives to make it work. He simply doesn't want to.

It is INCREDIBLY hard to care for stepchildren along side your own, as you are effectively handed 2 relatively unknown (to you) children and are expected to treat them the same as your own children, when nature does not make that an easy job. How can you love them equally, when love takes time to nurture and grow? When are you getting chance to nurture and grow this love in the set up you are in? All that will grow is resentment, and anger. That is not conducive to building a loving relationship with these children. That doesn't even touch on the impact to your own children. Your children are having their time cut drastically with their primary care giver. It isnt the stepsiblings fault. It is the fault of their father, who is as responsible as their mother for ensuring the best upbringing possible for them.

Please consider your options very carefully. You are the only one making sacrifices. And the one who is sufferingfor them. Your children (and his) are also suffering. Thisis not a tenable situation.

Should he decide to step up and parent (and be a loving partner) you would be entitled to financial assistance for your children. I will try and find out some specifics to your situation. Do you rent? If so, how much is your rent? Does anyone recieve any disability related payments (DLA for children, PIP for adults?). I assume your partner earns around 30k from what you posted?

Who's family run the business? His? Or another family? Is he classed as employed?

SleepWarrior · 19/12/2018 14:40

You can manage with 5 children, it just won't be easy. It's all very well saying you should have a termination because an extra baby will be too hard, but if having a termination brings you to your knees it really doesn't solve anything at all.

There are (often religious) charities that offer support in various forms as an alternative to abortion. I wonder if they might be something to look into? Lifecharity is one but I don't know exactly what sort of support they offer.

Original poster
Quazzies · 19/12/2018 16:11

@ThisMustBeMyDream we rent at £700pcm which is expensive for the area (north sheffield) but then again it is a lovely setting where we live so it's worth it in that aspect

@SleepWarrior every time I read up on anything regarding termination I just start uncontrollably sobbing. It's not a straightforward process not an enjoyable one by the sounds of things. I've worked out that I'm around 7 weeks. There's a heartbeat at this stage already. How can I willingly end that? How can I not give this baby a chance at life?

It's a situation that no one deserves to be in and I am so angry at myself and everyone involved but I somehow need to make it work if the SS and courts Grant that the children do not return to their mother (Which apparently is the plan, depending on whether the mother stops with alcohol and drugs and also stops seeing her partner which so far she has not done any of) then we're just going to have to prepare appropriately.

I've just had a good long chat with my HV which already seems like a stepping stone back to positivity. I just really hope I can do it.

Regarding my partner I 100% agree that he needs to step up, quit his job and stay at home with me. I'd much rather have the pay cut and get more support from him.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 19/12/2018 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ViragoKnows · 19/12/2018 16:25

Regarding my partner I 100% agree that he needs to step up, quit his job and stay at home with me. I'd much rather have the pay cut and get more support from him.

Or maybe go part time?

Original poster
Quazzies · 19/12/2018 16:26

@ViagroKnows as in cut down days or hours in the day?

OP posts:
ViragoKnows · 19/12/2018 16:28

Either. He could give you some child free hours. Plus you’d be better off in terms of TCs or UC if he doesn't quit completely.

Thespace · 19/12/2018 17:00

I don’t think he should quit his job either. Pay for childcare yes.

SandyY2K · 19/12/2018 17:18

He doesn't need to quit his job. Two unemployed people is no good.

He needs more flexible working in order to share in parenting his DC during the day.

he would not quit work to care for my stepchildren. If I walk, it all goes down.

Are you actually saying he would have his DD go into the care system rather than step up and if you were not around?

That's very sad indeed. I feel sorry for your stepchildren.

Original poster
Quazzies · 19/12/2018 17:58

@SandyY2K I am 100% saying that. So do I because they didn't ask for any of this so that's why I'm doing the best I can to make this work. Even if we split I would 100% stay for the kids and act as normal as possible for their sake because none of the children deserve to suffer.

Call me a sucker but I just care way too much, they get treat like my own because it feels like they Are, I'm their full time carer and whilst I am doing this they need all the love and attention that children deserve

OP posts:
colditz · 19/12/2018 18:46

Quazzies, scream your head off for support. You deserve it.

VanGoghsDog · 19/12/2018 19:19

Yes he gets paid holiday. He's stringing you along.
He also can get paid shared parental leave if you are not on maternity leave.

If he's bad with money he hands it all to you, keeps say £50 pocket money and you do what you need to.

If he takes home £2k then you're not over the child benefit threshold and should be claiming that.

It sounds to me like he likes the kids being with you so he doesn't have to pay child support.

Get his income and get a cleaner/home help.