Court orders stepchildren to live with me. Suffering with depression

[Quazzies]

Hi idk if this is the right place but it's worth a shot right?

I'll try and cut it short. I have 2 children of my own, a 2 yo girl and a 14 week old baby.
12 and a half weeks ago my partners children got removed from their mother for DV, drug and alcohol abuse and neglect. An interim child arrangement order got granted for the assessment period so SS can carry out and engage with their mother. The order expires in April.
So basically in the space of 2 and a half weeks I went from a mother of 1 to a mother of 4 and all children being under 4. The eldest has just turned 5 and the eldest isn't biologically my partners so we receive support for her.
SS have offered barely any support to help me parent these children which has led to me being severely depressed and unable to bond with my baby. I just feel so helpless and completely useless in this situation.
I'm scared to go and get help for my mental health because I'm scared that SS will take all of the children away as I don't really have a support network. I don't get any support from my family and my partner works full time. I am jist completely mentally exhausted all the time and find myself getting angry all the time. I don't drive and there isn't a bus service so I'm just constantly stuck in the house all the time.

I guess I really just need some help and no one seems to be offering it

I am so sorry you are in this situation. You are a strong woman and you are doing an awesome job. You have overcome a bad family background and you are working super hard so your stepchildren don't have to go through the same kind of thing. Call the Samaritans to talk to someone, church, or just go to the gp and say you would benefit from talking to someone. Ask for councelling if you need it. I think you are just exhausted and hormonal changes and a new set of obligations in very little time. Be gentle with yourself. Try to go out alone or call a friend whatever everyday even if it's for 5 minutes. Take the kids to the forest nature is a wonderful healer and kids will love it and will be tired when they get home hahaha. Ask social services for help. I would say this situation is impacting in your well-being. And that you would like councelling. They shouldn't reject it. Go will only give you medication if you get a diagnosis of depression strong enough to have to take medication. But if it isn't that bad could be things like cbt, exercise, meditation, councelling, talk groups etc. You are going to be ok. But you can't help any of the kids if you aren't alright. Send me a private message if you want to talk more. You aren't alone. Xxxxxxxxxx

anniehm I have already recommended to SW that the children need counselling for what they have been through. The incidents in the social care evidence report make me feel physically sick but SW has said because it is only a short term placement they do not need counselling. Fgs the children saw their mother hung from a 3 storey flat window by her DV partner. I think I'd need counselling if I saw that NVM the children.

The eldest is at school. The 3 year old should be eligible for the 15 hours funding?

Have you checked if your local authority has a family in need funding? Mine does.

Keep on at social services. Good luck!

You're doing so well, OP. I have no advice that hasn't already been given, but those poor children are lucky to have you and I hope you can look back in a year or two and be proud of what you are doing.

Get down to SW and don't leave until you have what you all need and deserve. You have been put in an impossible situation and they owe you every support possible.

Can your partner take some parental leave to support you?
Are you on maternity leave? If not, he could take shared parental leave which has some pay attached to it.

He needs to be home to help, can he work from home one day a week or anything like that?

Do see the GP.

What would your partner do if he wasn’t in a relationship with you? How would he look after the children?

I think I’d second the way you deal with SS is to escalate and in writing.

So email factual, short concise asking for more support. Saying it is vital for the placement. Ask for a response.

Copy in their manager.

No or inadequate response. Email again. Saying response inadequate. Use words like urgent. Critical to success to placement etc. copy this manager the one above.

If response inadequate, email again, with director of social services copied in.

Response inadequate. Look up their policies on complaints and officially start a complaint. Record everything. Every phone call.

And get your partner to pull his finger out and become wonder Dad or tell him you’ll kick him out and he can look after his kids himself!

I have no advice or solution for you. But only posting this to say how awesome and strong you appear to be! Wow.

When I had a 17 week old baby I also had 16 month old twins a 2.10 month old and a 4 1/2 year old all at home plus two older children at school.
Things that helped were a large play pen that had toys built in that covered half the room. A quad pram although that was only used at weekend as I am wheelchair user. In the week I would sometimes drive them to McDonald’s at nap time park up and have a coffee and read my kindle in peace for 45 minutes. That helped me feel like I had a break.
Really struc routine of feeds , being in the garden, naps etc.
Going to toddler groups three times a week and have an arrangement that people met me in the carpark to help carry dc.
I found church groups with elderly ladies the best as they wanted to actively help the children with crafts , hold babies etc whilst I slept.
If I had stayed at home with no strict routine it would have been overwhelming.
Homestart offered to help , I didn’t need it but have heard good things about them.
Definitely ask about two year funding for Nursery.

Given how hard the situation is, your mental health, your dh’s work commitments and the needs of all the individual children, I think you do need to consider if it is right for the children to be placed with you. Sorry to raise that but you do need to be honest and realistic.

I say that as someone who has fostered siblings who in hindsight would have fared better if they had been raised singly because of the impact of their needs on the whole family. Different situation I know but sometimes keeping everyone together has a cost.

IIRC, free hours for 2 year-olds are discretionary, so even if you’re above the income threshold to qualify automatically your social worker should be able to qualify you through the route for children/families who require the support for other reasons. If your social worker is being useless then demand to speak to their manager.

@MyDcAreMarvel you are a marvel!

You are entitled to payment as foster carer for oldest. Shout loudly for it.

SS are able to get subsidised child care places (via vouchers?) for kids who need it. So insist that you get that for the nursery aged on, so that you can put your own child in nursery too for a day or so.

@steppemum

She said she is getting the foster carer money.

I honestly can't thank you all enough with how much the reassurance and kind words has boosted my confidence.

My DP and I just spoke and thinks that we should bypass SS and go to CAFCASS as they are the ones who listen.
He agrees that I have MY issues although he didn't want to admit it as he thought that it would upset me but we need to be realistic and address the issues rather than avoid them or tread on eggshells. I think pushing for nursery funding and addressing my MH is the first hurdle to tackle.

I have found out so much more on this thread today than I have in almost 13 weeks and it's really reassuring to know that some of you have been in a similar situation and had it dealt with appropriately. I think I do need to throw a tantrum and be more assertive with the SS so they actually start listening because I do not enjoy and i hate myself for feeling as low as I do.

Thank you all, you've been lovely!

Ok good luck OP
I also second advise a pp has given. Try sending an official letter of complaint; They will have an official complaints policy and the way you have been side lined and dismissed is something to complain about .i have had to do this and it works....it messes up their performance statistics and gets attention from senior management so they tend to address it more urgently so the person withdraws complaint.
However you choose to progress - well done. You’re doing really well; applaud your strength in taking in the DC.

Good luck 💐

@bumbother We planned one more baby which was twins, and then apparently exclusively breastfeeding twins is not an affective contraception.
I don’t know why I typed “ while I slept” I meant whilst I had a hot drink! Maybe I did sleep and it was my subconscious memory I was pretty knackered.

Op I am glad you have a plan in place to get more support. I grew up in care , you are doing an amazing thing for these children.

Well done OP. You are doing amazing things for these children. Really push for those nursery hours and then try to get at least a few mornings a week on your own with the baby. That should give you more of a break. Have you seen if there is a local playschool for the 3 year old? You could use the hours to get them in every morning and try to get the two year old in for a few mornings at nursery as well. That means you should be able to sleep/ do a few baby groups with the little one.
Good luck!

@MyDcAreMarvel i too am a care leaver so i guess thats why im so against them going into care.

Got an update for you all. I'm being awarded a settling in Grant, Xmas money and being reimbursed for the cost of the school uniform.
3yo is starting nursery full time in Jan well almost full time.
Still nothing for my 2yo but going to speak to CAFCASS again as they're the ones that helped with nursery for 3yo.
Going to push for house move
CB is being chased up by SW as mother is withholding it.
Can't get an appointment with my GP so going to try HV instead.
Unfortunately homestart do not cover my area which is not surprising as I live in the middle of nowhere surrounded by sheep.

All in all a better more productive day so far and remained positive throughout.

Any tips on how to get housework done as it's really getting me down.. constant screaming baby that drink 9oz every 2 hours (hungry baby formula, gutted as milk dried up when she was 4 weeks old)
At 2yo that likes to wipe poo everywhere. Fml 😂

I know money might be tight just now, but I'd do all I could to get a cleaner in, just a couple of hours per week until you get the wee ones I'm nursery. Or even just a one time clean to help you get on top of things.

So glad you're getting some help.

The more I read about you and @MyDcAreMarvel, the more in awe I am!

@Quazzies Well done. You're amazing. It will get better. Keep shouting !!

I'm so pleased that you've taken some steps forward.
Now you need to get practical help with housework and getting you and the DC out of the house for some running around/playing/someone make me a cup of coffee time!
Can you ask your HV if she can suggest ways this could happen?

I've just got off the phone to my HV and she's coming to see me tomorrow. Tried GP again but they only issue appointments on the day so they've asked me to call a 8am. Pretty much just sobbed my heart out to the HV but she's lovely and really helpful anyway, she already knew but because wasn't saying anything and asking for help she couldn't do anything about it.

She's going to set up therapy sessions with myself and her and also refer me to the MH team. It's already a huge weight and she says it's not going to jeopardise my position with caring for the children