Birthdays and visits

[Lovelife12345]

So my partner has been going up to see his children Every other Friday now since about July, as Saturdays wasn't working with trains etc. We had to miss a Friday the other week as our baby was admitted into hospital overnight but then the following visit we stayed overnight and saw them for two days and bought them a gift from their baby brother to apologise and the ex wife although annoyed at first because he choose a sick baby over seeing the girls but soon apologised and realised he would be worried and not leave his side as it brought back memories of his youngest daughter hospital. But fast forward to his visit next Friday. Next Friday is my eldest son (his stepsons) birthday and I am not dragging him on a 4 hour round trip where he wouldn't see any of my family as they work until 5 otherwise plus he's 4 it wouldn't be fair. Also my son seems him as his dad, choose to call him daddy and their bond is amazing. We both felt if my partner went to visit the girls and he wasn't there for his birthday he would feel massively rejected and wonder what he's done wrong. So we have spoken to the ex wife who has no flew of the handle. My partner has said he would travel up the Saturday instead via train with our baby to see them but she is kicking off and saying it's unreasonable. And because for my birthday today and my sons birthday we are off to see a musical show instead of doing a party for my son she reckoned it shouldn't matter. What would your opinions and suggestions be?

We have just been informed we aren't allowed them down to stay over Christmas. We have been evicted as landlord is selling house and the only property we found was a two bedroom, which is less than ideal because our youngest keeps waking the eldest as he still wakes durn the night. But for a 3 bedroom we would be looking at £825 a month (the evicted one we paid £700) and council said we would only be entitled to two so housing benefit wouldn't cover it. So girls would have the lounge with their blown up ready beds. He is now seeking legal advice for w court order because it's getting silly. We get phone calls at 10 at night as the eldest kicks off having her tablet taken of her and she expects us to drive up at sort it out. How long do court orders usually take?? We have got the money together as he's done some extra hours and I've contributed some of my birthday money to the cause.

No mum, we can't do that - we can't afford it and X has two girls we need to consider. Thanks for the offer, but no thanks.

Easy. That's what you should have done.

@HiHoToffee no we are booked to go to Greece. We looked at Disney for Christmas next year but have decided against it as we couldn't take the girls. The ex wife understandably wanted them for Christmas. So we are using the money we would have had for Disney for Butlin's in October as we will be going half term so it will be a lot more expensive.

However if we had w court order then it would never be a issue having them on our set Friday. Because we would have picked them up and brought them back to our house in time for our son to have finished nursery: overnights will actually be easier than going up for a few hours every other Friday

@Innocentconglomeration so I should deny the boys a treat because my mum won't pay for the girls too. It's not the boys decision to have step/half sisters. I can't stand how people expect resident kids to give up everything just because they have step siblings. That's not fair

Yes, for something like a holiday abroad, that's EXACTLY what you should have done.

you're a disgrace.

Yes, for a big ticket treat like a holiday abroad that should be a whole family experience that's exactly what you should have done. You are literally playing Cinderella with those girls.

Sorry - didn't post the first time, the page hung so I re typed.

But absolutely you should have told your mother no. A holiday abroad isn't an extra ice cream from the shop level of treat.

Oh my goodness - just stumbled across this thread. As a SM and a BM (hate that term!) I'm gobsmacked.

The girls should come equal first (some would say first). You are relegating them to the bottom of the pile.

You have to decide if you are a family. If so - then everyone gets a holiday. If not - then fine, but don't pretend you are.

Blow up beds in the living room? Complaining that they eat adult portions?! That's not a home you're creating.

Sounds like his ex wife, and the girls mum has her work cut out. I'd be gutted if my kids were spending time in a situation like the one you describe.

I don't even believe Friday is about you DS spending his birthday with your OH. I think you don't want the hassle that comes with him visiting, the money spent on travelling and d'est god having to go and pick him up at the station when he is back. It really about what suits you, that's why you are willing to pay for him to go to court, nit because you care one bit about him having better access to his girls but because having them overnight means less travel and cost for you.

You certainly are a very entitled and spoiled girl with you oh wrapped around your fingers and too weak to stand against you hence your oh's mother having very little time for you. That's the man that only a few weeks ago you were going to dump because he'd become toouch a liability for you but is now back to bring Mr Perfect - because he is back to doing all you demand, including giving up his job so you can go for your perfect career whilst still making sure your boys get the best. Your only - limited - efforts towards your SDs is not out of sense of responsibility let alone care, only to ease your conscience when occasionally you can't deny any longer that you are a very selfish person.

Every year we have always gone abroad and she didn't want us tk miss out again next year

God you are so spoilt. Do you know that there are many families with 4 kids who don't go abroad every year! But it had to be abroad and it had to be 2 weeks? There are plenty of ways you could have included the girls with that budget.

Also the digs at your MIL are tiresome. On a previous thread you were praising her for paying for the girls school shoes on behalf of your partner. She also helps with his daughters in his absence but you consider that helping the ex so it probably doesn't count. You are an adult who expects your own parents and your partner's to do everything for you, but for some reason don't apply that same sentiment to your boyfriend. It's fine for him to do fuck all for his kids who are young enough to actually need him.

And really, you had no time to pop in and see the girls for 30 minutes? I guess you stamped your feet because mummy promised you an extra turn on the rides instead.

I can't stand how people expect resident kids to give up everything just because they have step siblings.

Come on now OP. You’re son’s had castle beds and ball pits and special snack drawers and the girls had a cupboard to sleep in.

The girls are treated so disgracefully and the holiday is yet another example of this.

If your partner was a halfway decent father & he treated his kids equally then a separate term time holiday wouldn’t be a big deal.

But he’s taking the boys abroad for an all inclusive holiday and then palming his daughters off with butlins. He also goes on loads of trips/days out with the boys but begrudges his daughter a McDonalds. He doesn’t even care if his daughters have a room in his home.

He’s a shit dad to those girls.

You moan about his mum prioritising the girls, but he clearly prioritises the boys in every way. Wake up and smell the coffee.

You’re typing all this from your point of view so it’ll automatically be biased in your favour but we all still think you’re in the wrong. Doesn’t that make you examine what you’re doing?

Oh and Peppa Pig world recently too, as a reward for your son potty training. Girls again not invited but you made sure they knew you were going and then complained that they were jealous.

Resident kids don’t have to miss out. I don’t let mine miss out but still manage to not leave my dsc out.
Is there any reason why the girls can’t go abroad with you?

I don’t think a holiday with resident children and without NRC is the end of the world, although I appreciate this is going against the MN grain. But it depends on all the surrounding circumstances. If your partner was doing everything he was supposed to do and was a great engaged father then in certain circumstances, a holiday alone could be justified. It sounds like you resent everything (well the limited amount of things) he does for them and seem to think your children should take priority.

You should consider all contact arrangements non-negotiable. Failing serious injury or genuine emergency, he should stick to them. Holidays should be planned around them. Any other activities should be also. If your partner can do that for even six months, it might be time to look at overnight contact. Then you would need to provide them with a proper sleeping place. You sleep in the living room while they are there. Again, having them sleep on blow up beds in the living room might be acceptable if that was the only aggravating factor in an otherwise dedicated father daughter relationship, but it isn’t.

Put the girls first for once and stop all your whining and hand wringing. All these pieces of the puzzle form a very unflattering picture. Stop looking for ways to get out of obligations and do the right thing. If you spent the time and energy you invest in posting about this on the internet into being a decent person, things would go a lot better with these girls.

I can’t even begin to tell you how childish and pathetic you sound, you post time and time again under different names hoping you’ll catch someone that is as nasty and vindictive as you are and that will agree with your treatment of those two poor girls.

@swingofthings actually having them overnight will be twice the travelling and twice the amount of fuel that just busting every other Friday.
At the moment we spend about £30 on fuel, money for food, and travel 200 miles.
If we have them overnight for weekend it will be £60 in fuel and 400 miles travelling. So it will come at a cost us having them overnight not a gain.

How is it more in travel to have them Fri - Sun as opposed to just a Fri night for Eg? the amount of travel is the same.

The holidays are not even about the boys, they're at an age they couldn't care less to be in Greece. Its nothing more then indulging OP in pretending she lives the perfect middle class dream of mummy and daddy taking their kids on an all inclusive holiday abroad just like her mum and dad did with her.

How nice it is to live in fantasy world and deny anything that clouds the illusion!

It's all about cost - both financially and in terms of time.

Do you see them as anything other than just a massive inconvenience?

And honest to god, before you take on a management post, would you ever go and learn how to type in coherent sentences. "twice the amount of fuel that just busting every other Friday" doesn't make any sense.

@dinosaurglitterrepublic unfortunately any holiday abroad for 2 weeks would have resulted in missing a contact Friday and to be honest o don't see the point going away for a week. Bu the time you get there and unpack it's time to come home again. I can't help that my parents always worked hard and we had family holidays every year.

We never told them about peppa Pig world, their mum did. It's as if she wants to turn them against him. But he didn't even go it was just me and the boys and my mum. He was at work. But actually the rest of the time
The boys have less. Our family pot has nearly £400 a month less taking in csa and travel and food.

He will be reducing hours but we will still pay the same in maintenance as we are now. So I will pay the extra maintenance to her. He's going to see the girls Friday instead of stay for sons birthday, we are taking them away next year to Butlin's, we have got rid of my sons bed as had no room for it and when it's sold will split the money between all 4 kids.

Is there any reason why the girls can’t go abroad with you?

She doesn't want them to.
For £1200 you can book a holiday abroad for 6 during school holidays, especially to countries like Greece.

@Innocentconglomeration because the girls live 100 miles away.. when we visit on a Friday we drive up Friday to see them which is 100 miles and 100 miles back all in same day and using £30 fuel. If we have them overnight we would travel Friday to collect them which is 200 miles there and back £30 fuel... to then have to drive them back up and us drive home which is another 200 mile round trip at £30. When we visit them Fridays we stay in their home town. If we had them overnight then we would bring them back down to our house.

It's a 2 hour drive to their house

we have got rid of my sons bed as had no room for it and when it's sold

Have you or haven't you got rid of the castle bed? That sentence is contradictory.

Ah I thought they came to you on a Friday and you went up and got them. That's even worse that you only visit.

And who moved the 100 miles? Oh yes, that would be your peach of a partner who can't drive wouldn't it?

@HiHoToffee depends on where you stay and board basis etc. We have got a hotel with a water park attached for free, all inclusive; kids clubs etc for £600 each for two weeks.. (as both boys free.) we don't have to pay for anything whilst there.
If we went for a cheaper hotel it would cost us more in the long run for days out and food etc. We couldn't afford the £1000 to add them on. Plus £300 health insurance for youngest and £100 in passports. Where's Butlin's will cost £600 with all our food included! Which is more doable and we have until next October