Birthdays and visits

[Lovelife12345]

So my partner has been going up to see his children Every other Friday now since about July, as Saturdays wasn't working with trains etc. We had to miss a Friday the other week as our baby was admitted into hospital overnight but then the following visit we stayed overnight and saw them for two days and bought them a gift from their baby brother to apologise and the ex wife although annoyed at first because he choose a sick baby over seeing the girls but soon apologised and realised he would be worried and not leave his side as it brought back memories of his youngest daughter hospital. But fast forward to his visit next Friday. Next Friday is my eldest son (his stepsons) birthday and I am not dragging him on a 4 hour round trip where he wouldn't see any of my family as they work until 5 otherwise plus he's 4 it wouldn't be fair. Also my son seems him as his dad, choose to call him daddy and their bond is amazing. We both felt if my partner went to visit the girls and he wasn't there for his birthday he would feel massively rejected and wonder what he's done wrong. So we have spoken to the ex wife who has no flew of the handle. My partner has said he would travel up the Saturday instead via train with our baby to see them but she is kicking off and saying it's unreasonable. And because for my birthday today and my sons birthday we are off to see a musical show instead of doing a party for my son she reckoned it shouldn't matter. What would your opinions and suggestions be?

We have just been informed we aren't allowed them down to stay over Christmas. We have been evicted as landlord is selling house and the only property we found was a two bedroom, which is less than ideal because our youngest keeps waking the eldest as he still wakes durn the night. But for a 3 bedroom we would be looking at £825 a month (the evicted one we paid £700) and council said we would only be entitled to two so housing benefit wouldn't cover it. So girls would have the lounge with their blown up ready beds. He is now seeking legal advice for w court order because it's getting silly. We get phone calls at 10 at night as the eldest kicks off having her tablet taken of her and she expects us to drive up at sort it out. How long do court orders usually take?? We have got the money together as he's done some extra hours and I've contributed some of my birthday money to the cause.

If you didn’t constantly bugger about with contact and their father wasn’t so horribly unreliable then as a one off, leaving earlier as the baby is sick and you have to work the next day wouldn’t be a huge issue. But you seem to find constant small problems, everything to do with them is an inconvenience. Literally everything. All of the small pieces form to paint a very unflattering picture in which you consistently prioritize your needs and the needs of your sons. That’s the problem. Everyone tells you this over and over. What part are you struggling to understand? How many more people need to tell you? I imagine a real life conversation is like talking to Vicky Pollard.

I agree it is that the ex might be getting a kick from messing him about but that's sadly what he gets from having messed with her for all those years. Of course, if he hadn't moved where you are now to accommodate you, there wouldn't be an issue with all that pain travelling up.

Still at least he is doing it and hopefully some good quality time with the girls because that's what it is all about. What you don't seem to appreciate is that it won't be long until the court will have little power because it will be up for the girls to decide whether they want to come or not.

They would be ok to share a room, I said theybwouldnt be able to share a bed because of bickering.. but then in the lounge they would be seperate ends anyways.

I do think she probably just gets a kick out of it. And it was me yesterday having to console my upset son because my partner wasn't there for his birthday evening. It's so sad but hopefully it'll sort out.

I think we will have issues with the youngest staying as she never wants to stay all weekend she likes daddy just going up to visit so she then can see her friend on the weekend too:: the eldest I don't think we will ever have issues with as she's always kicking off to stay at daddy's

OP genuine question- how many times do you think the ex has had to console the girls when their Dad has let them down yet again? And not just an evening when he saw them that morning and lives with them full time like with your son, but for months on end.

I can imagine 'consoling' involved agreeing how unfair it was that 'Daddy' couldn't be there but it was all the nasty ex's fault. The same level of communication that makes a 4year old comment on nits and say he doesn't want the girls to come because they upset poor Daddy. Hope your financial situation is better by the time your kids grow up though because if you continue to raise them with your warped values they'll soon be demanding their 200 a month bailout.

I have noticed that you seem to answer some questions and ignore others. I asked about your DP staying at his mum's and you answered that but you didn't answer the question about whether he could have taken buses home from the station.

If there is no bus service then you really need to think hard about where you live as living somewhere your DP cannot visit his daughters by public transport isn't right when he doesn't drive. You need to move to somewhere public transport is available and I can't believe you didn't consider that when moving to the property you've just rented. You need to do this before your son starts school.

You said they wouldn't be able to share a room. But surely even if they can't share a bed, the answer is to put them in the boys room with the bunk beds, and put the boys in your bed and you have the sofa?

If you can't afford £125 a month extra for rent, how are you going to afford to put your partner on your car insurance? How are you going to afford to feed those girls if they stay? How are you going to afford to transport them every other weekend?

How can you afford to GET to all the fancy days out and holidays that are paid for by the magic money fairy stepdad when you have 53p on the Friday before tax credit monday?

Your priorities are seriously screwed up.

Why wasn't your son with his own father last night for his birthday?

Sorry son, but x has his girls to see because he's their daddy - you get to see your daddy, and the girls have to get to see their daddy too. Now, lets play with x thing you got for your birthday.

How are you going to afford all this shit if you can't afford a taxi for him the once in a while he's home really late? Can't he walk from the station or get a bus? Or bicycle?

she's always kicking off to stay at daddy's

Even the way you talk about them is unnecessarily unkind.

Good point. OP's poor son is upset, sad, needs consoling if he misses this man (who he lives with full time). His daughters missing him is 'kicking off.'

Absolutely agree with those last two posts.

You console your son because he's so upset at missing the man who isn't his daddy, but that man's own daughter being upset and missing him is "kicking off".

Says it all really.

I didn't mean kicking off as in being nasty, she will scream and cry at her mum about how she is being unfair not letting them stay overnight and when we use to drop her home after staying the weekend she would cry for hours for her mum as she wanted to stay at her dads That's how I meant it.

The last bus to our home town is at 6pm so he couldn't have got a bus... and we can't move out of my home town as kids are settled in nursery there, school place applied for there, and both our work is there and as he doesn't drive and starts at 3am then we need to be in walking distance.

He wasn't with his own dad as his own dad was working but his dad has never seen him
On his birthday due to work and he knows when he visits daddy Tuesdays that he gets a whole new birthday day.

Finances will be sorted when I get my first pay check from this job which is due in 3 weeks, plus we are not relying on UC as we are entitled to £180 so we aren't relying on it at all and that will be spre money for saving for driving and for more treats when visiting the girls so we can take them to other places than macdonalds to eat.

We are going out today with my son as a birthday treat with my partner once I finish work. Going to use the last of my birthday money so that he can have some quality time today which he was excited about and cheered him up last night when I said we would do that instead. I am not selfish I would always use my birthday money etc on the kidsx.

You have an answer for everything and an answer for none.

Kicking off is a horrible way to describe a child missing her dad. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Can't he bike from the train station?

OP- please answer how often you think the ex has had to console her girls when your partner has let them down?

Your son had the morning with him yesterday, lives with him full time and is going out for a treat with him today. But you begrudge his girls their one visit a fortnight because it means your 4 year old can't get everything he wants.

One afternoon a fortnight and he can't even reliably manage that. Again, says it all.

And actually, if you parented appropriately your son probably wouldn't have batted an eyelid that he wasn't there last night. You say 'You are going to have a lovely morning together, then it is his time to visit the girls whilst we have a nice evening/ see Granny whatever. Then we'll have a lovely day tomorrow'. I bet you are the one who made a big deal about him not being there this upsetting your son.

*thus upsetting your son

Finances will be sorted when I get my first pay check from this job which is due in 3 weeks, plus we are not relying on UC as we are entitled to £180 so we aren't relying on it at all and that will be spre money for saving for driving and for more treats when visiting the girls so we can take them to other places than macdonalds to eat.

why don't you use that £180 to top up your rent so you can have a 3 bed place?

Its not that but if she asked us to change things to benefit girls for a birthday we would, as birthdays to kids are special.

No he couldn't ride back as it's 7 miles.

I couldn't answer how many times she would have had to console them. But since they don't stay overnight and we only visit them she said they don't get upset about being dropped home after having a fun weekend with daddy.

Kicking off is a expression i use: I used it about my son when he was whinging because he couldn't get his own way on Thursday in the shop. It's just a expression not meant in any way.

Because UC is not reliable Income source and if we don't get the £180 that month for whatever reason they we aren't panicking trying to find it.. I don't like to rely on the tax credits as Uc etc as they are so unpredictable

You can explain all you like, OP. But the truth is, your resentment of those girls is so deep, that you automatically use phrases like "kicking off". You haven't a kind or empathetic word to say about them.