Birthdays and visits

[Lovelife12345]

So my partner has been going up to see his children Every other Friday now since about July, as Saturdays wasn't working with trains etc. We had to miss a Friday the other week as our baby was admitted into hospital overnight but then the following visit we stayed overnight and saw them for two days and bought them a gift from their baby brother to apologise and the ex wife although annoyed at first because he choose a sick baby over seeing the girls but soon apologised and realised he would be worried and not leave his side as it brought back memories of his youngest daughter hospital. But fast forward to his visit next Friday. Next Friday is my eldest son (his stepsons) birthday and I am not dragging him on a 4 hour round trip where he wouldn't see any of my family as they work until 5 otherwise plus he's 4 it wouldn't be fair. Also my son seems him as his dad, choose to call him daddy and their bond is amazing. We both felt if my partner went to visit the girls and he wasn't there for his birthday he would feel massively rejected and wonder what he's done wrong. So we have spoken to the ex wife who has no flew of the handle. My partner has said he would travel up the Saturday instead via train with our baby to see them but she is kicking off and saying it's unreasonable. And because for my birthday today and my sons birthday we are off to see a musical show instead of doing a party for my son she reckoned it shouldn't matter. What would your opinions and suggestions be?

We have just been informed we aren't allowed them down to stay over Christmas. We have been evicted as landlord is selling house and the only property we found was a two bedroom, which is less than ideal because our youngest keeps waking the eldest as he still wakes durn the night. But for a 3 bedroom we would be looking at £825 a month (the evicted one we paid £700) and council said we would only be entitled to two so housing benefit wouldn't cover it. So girls would have the lounge with their blown up ready beds. He is now seeking legal advice for w court order because it's getting silly. We get phone calls at 10 at night as the eldest kicks off having her tablet taken of her and she expects us to drive up at sort it out. How long do court orders usually take?? We have got the money together as he's done some extra hours and I've contributed some of my birthday money to the cause.

I wonder how you would react to her wanting to take just her bio gc on holiday. And your dp. You can come too. Just not your eldest.

Hang on OP. It's fine for your partner to go on trips and holidays with your boys and not his girls, but it's not okay for his mother to take the girls on outings without your son? Can you explain that please??

@Oswin we have offered to pay her train fare down, or to bring her back with us after visiting the girls and she stays over. She likes the area we live as use to always visit it a lot on holiday, she's retired so not working and previously had been looking to move down here. But to do the same to her other grandkids who live her area as well I think is sad

@Bluebell36 it's a one off, she doesn't want the pressure of having to be in every other Friday to cook dinner anymore since making the suggestion which is her every right to.

And if she invited us in holiday and not my eldest I would either pay for his place myself or I wouldn't go but accept it's one of those things. I just don't want my youngest feeling he is resented by his nan because she won't do for him what she does for the girls.

Presumably the other grandkids have 2 involved parents? These girls only have one. She's picking up your partner's slack and supporting their mother who is unable to rely on him.

Where will she sleep when she stays over?

I just don't want my youngest feeling he is resented by his nan because she won't do for him what she does for the girls.

Now imagine his ex saying this about her girls, expect replace grandmother with father. Get it yet?

You’re joint son is a baby for starters maybe she’s makes an extra effort because of the disgrace that is you two. Tbh you sound utter poisonious against those girls and I wouldn’t be having anything to do with you

I wouldn’t want you in my house if you treated my gdds the way you have I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to host you.

You don’t get it it’s you she doesn’t have time for op. I wouldn’t be visiting you’re house to babysit either whilst you move.

And if she invited us in holiday and not my eldest I would either pay for his place myself or I wouldn't go but accept it's one of those things.

But you don’t apply this exact same standard to your DP? Surely no one could be this dim/unaware/hypocritical?

I notice you didn’t answer my question re your objectives when posting your tales of woe?

But your son is just a baby! I took 2 of my Dgc to a theme park this year but not the younger ones. It doesn't mean I love them more or the others less. Different things with different gc at different times.

I dont know the background to this (and it seems there is a lot!), but OP you are clearly known on here, so I suppose what I am asking is what do you want to gain from posting? Is it advice? Is it just to rant? Is it to see if someone is in the same position as you? I'm sorry if I've missed this but I can't work it out.

I'm trying to work out what gone on, but I would say that there is nothing wrong with the holiday without your DSC especially if your mom has paid for it BUT that would depend on their general relationship. I also do think you should have cut the holiday to ensure he didn t miss contact time, surely it could have been 10 days? It seems as if your DP and his DD's have a really poor relationship- that's the first thing that needs to change, he needs to be consistent and spend 1-2-1 time with them, could they have a short break together? Or a couple of days out alone? Could you have 1 weekend were he just sees them and the next you all go?

In terms of their behaviour, we all now kids can behave awfully at times, even your own child said something that's nasty and upsetting. Maybe a bit of sympathy and understanding would help them behave better?

With the sleeping arrangements, I really think you need to rethink this, could you go in with your son and your OH shares with his DC (I'm not sure of their ages?). I would also start being really positive about his DC in front of your son- you may not have meant it but it clear your son has picked up on your feelings towards them. So what if they have nits, all kids have had them at some point, use the shampoo to treat the kids, imagine how uncomfortable it is for them.

Maybe you need to step back slightly and consider that they are all children and do not have the emotional maturity to manage their feelings, so as adults we need to try to understand why they are acting in a particular way, if it is just bad behaviour there needs to be discipline with the same rules for all the children.

It sounds as if you have had some bad luck (eviction, poorly child) but his DC are not to blame. If you feel stressed by it, imagine how they feel they have no control to change the situation. Sometimes money pressures can make us behaviour unusual, or cause us to resent the wrong people- it's up to you to recognise that and change the way you approach things. If I'm honest there's seems to be a lot to blaming going on, rather than stopping and taking some responsibility for some of the situation.

Like I said if you could be clearer why you are posting it may help.

Why are you booking his train ticket? Why isn't he booking his own?

Because he can't see the website from under OP's thumb.

And if she invited us in holiday and not my eldest I would either pay for his place myself or I wouldn't go but accept it's one of those things.

So, why isn't your partner paying for his girls to go on holiday with you all, or not going?

@Dillydallyingthrough yes I just felt
I need a good rant, because although things happen and past actions may not have been great we have really been trying and I have been doing a lot behind the scenes and still feel it's never enough. I am just angry that the ex wife goes on at how her children adore their step dad and it's lovley and he's there for everything, yet when I am wanting the same for my son and his birthday she is telling us that we have to make my son aware he should always be second best and should never be a priority and that he basically doesn't matter. When he does.
My partner could go up on his own but by me driving it stops then spending a hour of their visit with their dad walking to and from
Places. But perhaps I could drive him up and go off somewhere on my own for the 5 hours.

The holiday dates were badly booked, and yes that is my fault I simply found the cheapest week for us to fly and booked it, and completely forgot about contact days. But I was just trying to get the most for our money and somewhere good for the kids. It wasn't intentional and now it would cost us a lot to amend the booking as I have enquired.

I have spoken to my son and I do try and speak and ask about them to my partner in front of my son. The headlice it's everytime we see them, it's become apparent their mum doesn't like buying the shampoo etc and she isn't checking them often as the eldest did mention it to my partner. And he has spoken to the ex wife, because last time we visited them we were going to see their cousins but couldn't as they don't want us to visit if the girls have headlice anymore which is sad but it's becoming such a strain for everyone.

Sleeping wise the rooms are not big enough for us to have him and then in one room and me and boys the other. We have a king size bed but it wouldn't fit dad; 10 year old and 7 year old and there would be no floor room. I just feel so frustrated at times, because I do drive him up to see them, I am the one on cashback sites and trying to save as much as possible to make his visits every fortnight happen; I have bought all the Christmas presents, I am the one who does all the planning, and the week the we're allowed to stay in summer I did all the cooking and getting up early with them; and took them
To the carnival on my own as my partner was struggling with their behaviour that day. I can see that he copes so much better with the boys and I do feel bad and confused as to why, and when I have spoken to his ex wife previous she has said he does struggle with the girls and their behaviour and how demanding they are and she's admitted they both gave in too much, bought them stuff everytime they went out and they made a rod for their own back and now they are having to deal with it.

@Innocentconglomeration all his wage aget paid into my account for bills so that's why I booked it: although the doesn't gamble anymore it just takes away any chance too and I doing that to protect me the boys and the girls.

@fredleighton My family has always been now if she takes one of my boys out she will either buy the other a treat or put money into their account so they are treated fairly. I found out all my Mil has bought when the other were first born and she didn't do anything to help us out and just feeling hurt.

Jesus when he finally got the chance to spend time with them in the summer he didn't. Nice little dig about your boys being better too.

Oh god it’s you

atm he has it made doesn’t he? Sadly he’s on aldi’s own brand pop not pepsi but still, he gets to loaf about working the bare minimum he has to, having you ferry him about for the handful of hours he can spare for his girls, holidays and days out paid for, free babysitting from your mum etc. But it’s still not enough is it? You two have a huge sense of entitlement in common don’t you, and you bring out the worst in one another. I’d beware of that if i were you. Atm it’s fine while he’s trying to guilt his mother into doing babysitting so he can see even less of all the children he’s fathered, but it will backfire on you one day. When you’re working your arse off in your ‘management’ job (btw i thought it came with free accommodation or was that yet more bullshit) and too knackered to service the mighty peen, he and his huuuuge sense of entitlement will think nothing of parking the boys in front of paw patrol while he goes at it like knives with chantel from playgroup, after all it’s only fair that people get to do exactly what they want exactly when they want right?

You’re hurt over you’re mils treatment what on earth do you think his girls feel they like their stepfather because he likely treats them decently and with respect however you’re just a bitch to them. Stop blaming the ex wife I bet she must be beyond frustrating mortified the story’s they tell her when they come back. I don’t blame the mil wanting as little to do with you, I would be the same.

He lets you think you call all the shots, when in reality he's treating you like a complete mug.

He'll be your karma.

Wait while op’s having to pay him cm, after all he is the primary carer for their youngest. Let’s just hope he doesn’t move another 200 miles away eh

Well there’s one thing for sure. He won’t be wanting primary custody.

Oh he might, if it means he gets to play x box and drink pop all day on the op’s dime while The First Grandson entertains himself on youtube. Or you’re right he might prefer being fancy free, all the better to find the next single mother with ridiculously low standards to impress by being ‘so great’ with her kids and subsequently cocklodge off

The op will be living it up on her £28 a month maintenance.