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Original poster

Birthdays and visits

635 replies

Lovelife12345 · 25/11/2018 08:05

So my partner has been going up to see his children Every other Friday now since about July, as Saturdays wasn't working with trains etc. We had to miss a Friday the other week as our baby was admitted into hospital overnight but then the following visit we stayed overnight and saw them for two days and bought them a gift from their baby brother to apologise and the ex wife although annoyed at first because he choose a sick baby over seeing the girls but soon apologised and realised he would be worried and not leave his side as it brought back memories of his youngest daughter hospital. But fast forward to his visit next Friday. Next Friday is my eldest son (his stepsons) birthday and I am not dragging him on a 4 hour round trip where he wouldn't see any of my family as they work until 5 otherwise plus he's 4 it wouldn't be fair. Also my son seems him as his dad, choose to call him daddy and their bond is amazing. We both felt if my partner went to visit the girls and he wasn't there for his birthday he would feel massively rejected and wonder what he's done wrong. So we have spoken to the ex wife who has no flew of the handle. My partner has said he would travel up the Saturday instead via train with our baby to see them but she is kicking off and saying it's unreasonable. And because for my birthday today and my sons birthday we are off to see a musical show instead of doing a party for my son she reckoned it shouldn't matter. What would your opinions and suggestions be?

We have just been informed we aren't allowed them down to stay over Christmas. We have been evicted as landlord is selling house and the only property we found was a two bedroom, which is less than ideal because our youngest keeps waking the eldest as he still wakes durn the night. But for a 3 bedroom we would be looking at £825 a month (the evicted one we paid £700) and council said we would only be entitled to two so housing benefit wouldn't cover it. So girls would have the lounge with their blown up ready beds. He is now seeking legal advice for w court order because it's getting silly. We get phone calls at 10 at night as the eldest kicks off having her tablet taken of her and she expects us to drive up at sort it out. How long do court orders usually take?? We have got the money together as he's done some extra hours and I've contributed some of my birthday money to the cause.

OP posts:
fredleighton · 26/11/2018 13:51

You seem to interpret things how you wish to see them. I don't necessarily think that biological children come first, but your little boy gets to see your DP every day. His girls only get to see him once a fortnight, so he shouldn't change it for your little boy's benefit. It isn't fair on them. Don't you see that?

funinthesun18 · 26/11/2018 13:55

I think Haven is all self catering tbh.
Just do a little shop before you go and it won’t cost a lot for a food at all. Make picnics for lunch and make teas in the caravan, or maybe have a couple of meals out at the restaurant.
All entertainment is paid for in the price eg shows and swimming, and there are loads of free activities and a few activities you do have to pay for for a small price.
There will be a seaside near by and other nice places to venture out to.

Saves all the faffing about getting a plane when they’re little! We always go in July when they finish school.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 26/11/2018 13:59

"But actually the rest of the time the boys have less. Our family pot has nearly £400 a month less taking in csa and travel and food."

With that logic you could say your eldest boy gets less because there's less in the family pot because of your youngest. Or indeed that the girls get less because your DP's family pot has less because of you and the boys.

(Btw you made a typo in your username, I'm assuming the VE should be a W.)

Cherries101 · 26/11/2018 13:59

I think your DP should prioritize his biological kids. If you want to take your son on a trip for his birthday, fine, but that shouldn’t impact your DP seeing his kids in any way shape or form. I actually think he should be going by himself every Friday without you and your other kids. This time on contact days should be just for him and his biological non-resident kids.

Halloweenallyearround · 26/11/2018 14:00


That was so amazing!!!
@ACatsNoHelpWithThat

TwistedStitch · 26/11/2018 14:01

Btw you made a typo in your username, I'm assuming the VE should be a W.

This is a very clever burn.

Cherries101 · 26/11/2018 14:02

He should have one holiday per year just him and his biological non-resident kids of the same quality that you take the joint family on. If he can’t afford this and you, as a family, can’t afford holidays. End of.

flintfoxy · 26/11/2018 14:05

God what a disgrace you are. This was a"loving father"who put his love of fizzy drinks over paying for his own children and from what you have said you are passing on your own despicable behaviours to your son. Appalling and I don't know why I'm biting as as I've said previously you must enjoy this.

Halloweenallyearround · 26/11/2018 14:05

Their behaviour?... what the ....
You are beyond help.
You do realise that these girls will grow up one day and so will your boys and learn how much you lie.
And what are you going to do when your boys start dating crazy women like you?
What a bubble you live in

TwistedStitch · 26/11/2018 14:06

God I forgot the fizzy drinks that cost more than his maintenance. And there was a gambling addiction too I believe.

Chardeemacdennis1 · 26/11/2018 14:15

I don't know why you don't just admit that you don't like his girls.
You make all these excuses but the truth comes out in the way you talk about them. In this thread alone you have said they are spoilt, badly behaved and dirty.

It's ok to not like all kids. Lots of sm don't like their sc.

Why not just stop getting involved and leave it to your dp to manage his relationship with them.

Winterishere2018 · 26/11/2018 14:30

Maybe you’re dp should take his own advice and start treating his girls the same as his boy I hope to god his mother hands him arse he’s got a bloody cheek having a go at her for treating them all the same!

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 26/11/2018 14:34

It isn’t so much about ‘putting biological children first’, but honoring pre- existing commitments and being a reliable consistent parent. Asking to swap isn’t an issue, but she has said no so you have to live with the arrangement as it is. As other posters have said, there certainly hasn’t been enough good will generated to expect her to be sympathetic to you.

Just an example of how responsible parents treat their commitments- my husband gets on pretty well with his ex and has always maintained a consistent contact pattern.

You mention that you feel some of the logic used here gives you the right to put the boys first and not change arrangements to make it equal. I really wouldn’t worry about that, you are absolutely in no danger of approaching anything close to equality.

HiHoToffee · 26/11/2018 14:36

Their behaviour?
Oh yes I forgot, they are supposed to show gratitude for the crumbs they receive, didn't your mum tell them that with your agreement.

Yeah the dad spent more on Fizzy drinks, gambling, xbox games etc per week than on maintenance for his daughters. .

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 26/11/2018 14:36

I accidentally deleted the actual example- one year, he asked his ex if he could return the children two days early from a three week holiday contact so we could go on holiday with my family for a week. It’s the only dates everyone could do. She had about six months notice, but still said no. So we went for five days. It’s wasn’t a proper break, but that’s life.

HeckyPeck · 26/11/2018 14:46

From ex's point of view he moved away and didn't see them for several months, started a new family, didn't have appropriate sleeping arrangements, treats them like second class citizens, lied to them to go on holiday, faked injury to get out of contact, cancels contact regularly for various reasons, doesn't include them in family holidays.

Quoting this in the hope OP might read it.

HeckyPeck · 26/11/2018 14:47

Also no one is saying the first kids should be treated better all the time. Everyone is saying all the kids should be treated equally. It’s not bloody rocket science and no one is speaking in code.

LASH38 · 26/11/2018 15:55

so he is going to speak to her about treating them all the same

He wants the kids treated the same? So the girls will be going abroad with you? You will be spending the same amount of monthly money on them? You will be taking all the children on day trips or sometimes leaving the boys at home so the girls get a day trip without them?

And assuming his stepchild is included in this ‘the same’, will your mother be treating all of the kids (I.e, also the girls) ‘the same’.

Or is treating them ‘the same’ only relevant when the boys are missing out on something?

Oswin · 26/11/2018 15:58

Yes I would like to see the answer to that. If she must treat grandchildren the same then why don't you? Here is the problem. Op expects her children, both of them, to be treated like prince's by everyone. I mean the girls are just yet another girl don't you all realise these are special boys.

bumbother · 26/11/2018 16:07

his mum is doing them dinner apparently so he is going to speak to her about treating them all the same.

And this is the mum you claim you get no help from. I hope she tells him in no uncertain terms what an embarrassing hypocrite he is.

if everyone's behaviour changes and attitudes etc.

starting with yours and his, I assume?

HiHoToffee · 26/11/2018 16:08

Is that to guilt trip her into babysitting the boys?

ghostsandghoulies · 26/11/2018 17:15

His mum is clearly making up for the fact that her son doesn't treat his 3 kids the same.

If you want his mum to treat the. The same then your mum, him and you need to do the same.

Original poster
Lovelife12345 · 26/11/2018 17:32

I'm not expecting her to treat my son the same just our joint son. As my mum would have my son and then she would have our joint son.. but when she is taking the curls to chessington, and a carnival and light festival and down on a big trip to the beach yet never asks for our son to go it's not fair. I know she is also excluding her other sons step kids and two daughters. So it's not just our kids. She's cooking them tea Friday as a belated birthday for her and my partner as they didn't see each other.

OP posts:
Oswin · 26/11/2018 17:40

You live two hours away. This is what happens. She can't spend time with them like you can't with the girls.
How can you not see the hypocrisy of what you are saying.

Bluebell36 · 26/11/2018 17:42

In a previous post you have said

His mum is retiring next week and sounds like we will be having dinner with her the Fridays as she wants the company and means we spend more time with her when we only go up EOW. Plus what we save on macdonalds can go into the pot to occasionally drive up extra.

So how is that her not helping or it being a one-off due to a birthday? As usual your posts contradict each other all the time.

I really feel for those girls, they must feel so unwanted.

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