Am I an evil stepmother

[brownsugarbabe]

I hvae a seven year old stepdaughter, who we have been seeing for a just a year now on and off. DH was out of contact because his of his ex's behaviour since SD was one year old.

DH and I have one DS aged 3.5.
The first few visits were OK, with SD being relatively affectionate, but sometimes moody. The main reason is that I don't like the way she soemtimes ignores DS when he is talking to her. Sometimes she plays with him really well, then she will jsut suddenly switch off and go into one of her moods. I know she does it to get attention but I really don't want to reward that behaviour, and DH and I have agreed that unless she can try and communicate what is bothering her, we will not reinforce her sulky behaviour.
I worry about DS and the effect all this has on him. He is an affectionate and communicative child. SD is not affectionate with him at all and does not hug or cuddle him or even hold his hand - but she seems to want to court affection from me or DS.
I am on the verge of telling DH not to let her come here again, and we will meet with her and take her on trips instead. However on the last trip, she spoilt the whole thing with one big long sulk, all the way down the Thames, round Greenwich Market and back!
Lately I have found her sulks and the way she treats DS intolerable and I just find it hard to want to be around her or even speak to her. Which is why I am up here typing this.
When DH phones her, she tells her mum she is busy and won't come to the phone - which is disappointing for DS who is really excited to talk to SD.
My reasoning is that when she is here it is like a family unit, whereas her mum is a single parent. Perhaps she feels a bit sad about this - but her moods are almost like she doesn't want to try and enjoy the time she has with DH and us.
SD has the benefits of my husband's extended family, who are all estranged from us because he left his ex to be with me. WHich means DS has no contact with any of them.

Just read a bit more of this thread and want to add that I'm shocked by some of the judgemental comments! The people that talk about 'wrecking her home' etc - get real FGS!! Thats not how the world works.

Brownsugar - she needs her own room, you need to tell your DH that if he wants to integrate his DD into his new family she needs to feel that she is wanted and she belongs -not just as a guest.

BTW - you'll be fine, even though it is incredibly hard being a SM, its also very rewarding.

And I hadn't realised how old the OP was...
Why was it at the top of the list??

Wow this is quite a conversational thread loads of opinons and thoughts which on a whole is what forums are all about I guess.

I would love to hear how your getting along now.Myself its kind of a reversal where as it is my 9 year old daughter who can at one moment play and laugh with lil miss 6(SD) then the next be cold distant and yes rude.
I find myself being overly protective of dd putting her behavior down to frustration and grief even thou its been 2 years now since I left my ex for dp.

Who is the judge or the most able to calculate how long it can take a child to adjust to a new family surrounding? Its frustrating and infuriating at times, but if we are still living the situation there must be a bloody good reason why we all still struggle on trying to put the best foot forward and all.

Just one other thought I dont see anything wrong with high expectation as long as its balanced and not 24/7 strict.Thank me for making a particularly nice meal or that fun filled weekend, Leave it to me to tell you i am very impressed with your manners although there really is no need to thank me I do appreciate it and so would anyone else who had the plesure.