Am I an evil stepmother

[brownsugarbabe]

I hvae a seven year old stepdaughter, who we have been seeing for a just a year now on and off. DH was out of contact because his of his ex's behaviour since SD was one year old.

DH and I have one DS aged 3.5.
The first few visits were OK, with SD being relatively affectionate, but sometimes moody. The main reason is that I don't like the way she soemtimes ignores DS when he is talking to her. Sometimes she plays with him really well, then she will jsut suddenly switch off and go into one of her moods. I know she does it to get attention but I really don't want to reward that behaviour, and DH and I have agreed that unless she can try and communicate what is bothering her, we will not reinforce her sulky behaviour.
I worry about DS and the effect all this has on him. He is an affectionate and communicative child. SD is not affectionate with him at all and does not hug or cuddle him or even hold his hand - but she seems to want to court affection from me or DS.
I am on the verge of telling DH not to let her come here again, and we will meet with her and take her on trips instead. However on the last trip, she spoilt the whole thing with one big long sulk, all the way down the Thames, round Greenwich Market and back!
Lately I have found her sulks and the way she treats DS intolerable and I just find it hard to want to be around her or even speak to her. Which is why I am up here typing this.
When DH phones her, she tells her mum she is busy and won't come to the phone - which is disappointing for DS who is really excited to talk to SD.
My reasoning is that when she is here it is like a family unit, whereas her mum is a single parent. Perhaps she feels a bit sad about this - but her moods are almost like she doesn't want to try and enjoy the time she has with DH and us.
SD has the benefits of my husband's extended family, who are all estranged from us because he left his ex to be with me. WHich means DS has no contact with any of them.

What is the point of posting: "carry on doing what you're doing"?

It won't solve the problem. The problem here is massive and it is very, very obvious that it is coming from the OP and her DH.

That may be brutal, but it is true. Pretending it's partly the 7 year old's fault is dishonest, unkind and bloody bad parenting imo. If you can't cope with that, you can go on one of those genuine wicked stepmother sites, where stepmothers who behave much worse than the OP, with much less genuine will to make their situations work, are told they are doing a fine job. They don't help create happy families though, which I think every single person who has posted here genuinely wants of the OP.

Sorry it cross posted, it wasn't aimed at you anniemac

bsb ... I am constantly reminding my DS to say thank you ... but DD ALWAYS says it ...
It is hard for you, I can see that ... if I inherited say a 10/11 year old I would struggle as to how they are 'supposed' to be ...

Where has anyone been 'personal and insulting'?

The OP has made it clear that she wishes to continue to treat her DS as a little emperor and as long as that continues then , IMO there is little chance of improving the happiness of a 7yo child.

That being the case - I ahve no wish to add any further comments.

Giant Squirrel Spotter you are right - no matter how long she spends here I think she needs her own space tbh. I would love to go round the shops with her getting bits for her room.

And this line: "OK, I don't like the thought of you feeling upset, but if you don't want to tell me what it is just yet that's fine" is great Surfermum. Thank you for that.

And whilst I always expect a thank you from the children for gifts and nice days out. I would not expect a thank you for having me, if my DD came to stay with her father.

That is for guests to say, not a child of the family, imo.

Yes, you'll never be able to control your sc's thoughts, feelings, behaviour.
but you can (and i'm not blaming you, i think it is human nature)....you can take a huge step back and think honestly about your negative feelings....try to wipe the slate clean. Then open up and give, give, give...you musn't treat yor ds any differently than you do, you just have to spread your love about more ..without any expectations.

God, i sound like an old hippy.
but it works for me.

My parents split up when I was 7 and I had a new stepdad 6 months later. I liked my stepdad from the outset and I knew even at such a young age that my parents were not meant to be together but for the first 2 years my stepdad probably thought I hated him, I was embrassed about the new set up, I didn't have any friends who were part of a step family and thought that I stood out because of that. I was incredibly moody because I thought that they might put me into a childrens home, I didn't speak to my stepdad for nearly 2 years because I just didn't know what to say to him even though I could tell that he was a nice person and was trying hard with me. The bigger deal people made of it the worse I became.

Two years later my stepdad was involved in a car accident and I decided then that I would start speaking to him, I wasn't being a little bitch I had actually grown to love him I just didn't know how to behave and I felt like the spotlight was on me all the time. Sorry for the essay but you never really know what is going on in a child's mind and the more you force the issue the worse she will become.

No one said it was SD's fault btw. And I think that is where a lot of the criticism has come from. She did not ask to be in this situation and it is not her fault. I do feel the need to defend her now because apart from her sulks - she is a bright, funny girl. She is also very creative and artistic and is a great big sister for my DS.
I did not say I did not like SD I do, very much. I just don;t like her behaviour.

Soapbox the point is that when you are a step-child, you are a guest to a certain extent. No matter how old you are, you have to appreciate that this house is run by someone else, the rules are different, and you should generally have some respect for the people in it and their needs/wants.

I'm not suggesting the OP give up on her SD, I'm just saying that I understand how difficult it can be because my SB behaves in a very similar manner, and this has been going on for the best part of ten years now. I do think it's behaviour that needs to be cracked down on before it causes a worse situation, where e.g the OP and her DP break up because they just can't cope with it anymore. (Worst-case scenario, not meant to scare).

I agree that taking her out to buy stuff to furnish her own room could be a really good bonding activity, and ditto for setting the room up after.

Hmm I wonder about the "guest" status.

Is that true? All the SM's on MN seem not to see their SK's as guests, but as part of the family, albeit one who is not there all the time.

Sorry if I seemed harsh BS, I think what I picked up on was your unwillingness to drop the "my DS is my little emperor and sod it, everyone has to accept that" outlook.

I just don't see how you can think that holding on to that, will benefit your SD or address your problems with her.

BSB - that was a nice post

I think with all children in a family, you have to take the rought with the smooth.

Several people have posted saying that this is exactly how full siblings behave.

I think it is a case of managing your own expectations of her, downwards - and accepting that all children behave like this and that usually it is a phase that will pass.

Mindles - I really feel that treating your own child as a guest in their home (even it if is a part-time home) is not a very positive statement to make to a child.

Anniemac I said all the SM's seem not to see their SK's as guests

I was questioning Mindle's categorisation of a SK as a guest. I thought they were part of the family

You are right Mindles. I say "thank you for having me" when I go stay at my sister's house. ANd let's keep it real SD doesn't live with us and she is a guest, albeit a super-special one while she is here. And I know for a fact her mum, as I have said, would be so embarassed to learn that SD is not remembering her manners, because I have heard her say to SD - "say thank you to your daddy" on lots of occasions and even chide SD for being rude when she doesn't come to the phone.