Am I an evil stepmother

[brownsugarbabe]

I hvae a seven year old stepdaughter, who we have been seeing for a just a year now on and off. DH was out of contact because his of his ex's behaviour since SD was one year old.

DH and I have one DS aged 3.5.
The first few visits were OK, with SD being relatively affectionate, but sometimes moody. The main reason is that I don't like the way she soemtimes ignores DS when he is talking to her. Sometimes she plays with him really well, then she will jsut suddenly switch off and go into one of her moods. I know she does it to get attention but I really don't want to reward that behaviour, and DH and I have agreed that unless she can try and communicate what is bothering her, we will not reinforce her sulky behaviour.
I worry about DS and the effect all this has on him. He is an affectionate and communicative child. SD is not affectionate with him at all and does not hug or cuddle him or even hold his hand - but she seems to want to court affection from me or DS.
I am on the verge of telling DH not to let her come here again, and we will meet with her and take her on trips instead. However on the last trip, she spoilt the whole thing with one big long sulk, all the way down the Thames, round Greenwich Market and back!
Lately I have found her sulks and the way she treats DS intolerable and I just find it hard to want to be around her or even speak to her. Which is why I am up here typing this.
When DH phones her, she tells her mum she is busy and won't come to the phone - which is disappointing for DS who is really excited to talk to SD.
My reasoning is that when she is here it is like a family unit, whereas her mum is a single parent. Perhaps she feels a bit sad about this - but her moods are almost like she doesn't want to try and enjoy the time she has with DH and us.
SD has the benefits of my husband's extended family, who are all estranged from us because he left his ex to be with me. WHich means DS has no contact with any of them.

Ah yes yeay for BSB, good luck,

Big fat second YAY!!!!!!!!!!! for brownsugarbabe!

I am a step parent to three dds who are older than my 2 dds and we all live together. I am lucky that my sdds seems fine with me and we have no real issues. But my dds are very shy and quiet with my dh even thought I know they love him. They are just like you nogoes and it was good to hear that from a grown up perspective.

My dh is wonderful about it and there really is nothing more he could do. They live with him and never see their own father but after 2.5 years still barely speak to him because as nogoes described they just don't know what to say to the poor bloke!! They are 9 and 7 btw!

I was a step-parent previously to young girls when I had no kids and it was hard work and I had to bite my tongue many times!

It is just not easy and you just have to keep working at it and try and see it from a 7 year old's perspective as much as you can. You don't have to tolerate rudeness but you have to be patient.

Byw my 2 often can't be bothered to speak to me on the phone if they are at my mum's or whatever so don't think this should be taken personally.

Also siblings ignore each other and fight and say they hate each other all the time. It'll do you ds good to see how the sibling thing works! It's always a love/hate thing!

Keep trying and rising above the sulks etc - ignore that kind of behaviour as much as possible!

And yes try and make her feel it's her home too and not like she's a guest. We have worked really hard to give all the dds a room of their own even though one of them is only there half the time. They are expected to do certain things but not thank me for doing what I do for my own dds.

Don't they always say that it takes between 2 and 10 years for step-families to settle down - it's just not an easy situation and especially for the children involved.

Mindles, don't be cross. I value your comments and they have been helpful. It is all part of a process of getting my head straight and you have helped.

I'm going to go in a minute because we're all going to lunch soon and then DH is taking SD back home. I have been away upstairs for long enough anyway so thanks to you all. I do feel much better about the future now.

I'll have a peek at this thread a bit later to see if there are any fresh posts.

Have a nice lunch BSB.

Enjoy your family lunch.

I am so glad this thread has moved on to a much more positive area.

I think its a shame that people have jumped on BSB, its bloody hard being a step parent.

I agree don't treat her as a guest, step back a bit and let her spend one on one time with her daddy, even if you need to disappear now and again with your ds....it will help all round.

Things are difficult but if you continue to be a constant presence who neither judges or rules the situation you can't go far wrong

BSB I'm sure you are doing a great job, you are however allowed to have thoughts like these ... its human nature but you will work through them

oh and you are not an evil stepmother don't you just hate how books always have one in them, doesn't help our cause much!

Please KerryMum don't start all that up again. This is a confusing time and thoughts and feelings are confused. This thread is really positive and helpful now, so don't spoil it. I am aware that I have a lot of thinking to do, with regards to my perception of this situation.

We are off to have a lovely lunch now.

Thanks for all your posts.

I really must go and sort out all the damp camping stuff but ........

this is absolutely dsd's home. I've always said this is her home too, she just isn't here all the time. I would hate for her to feel like a guest here, a visitor here, like she wasn't part of this family.

and yes, yes yes, you must sort her out her own room, with a chest of drawers or something to have her stuff in. Take her out, on her own, to choose a duvet cover and a few things for it.

BSB it must be really hard to be a step-mum, and i think it's fantastic that you've started this thread and are willing to take on board what people are saying and make some changes to help you all adjust and be happier - well done

I have a step mum, and as a child i often did that sulking thing. At the time i don't think i knew why, i was just angry and sad.

The things that made me sad were seeing my dad with other children who he now lived with and not me. Being around my stepmum and comparing the way she interacted with her children (loving) and the way she was with me (not loving). Not having any of my own space so feeling out of place and often bored. I wanted them to see that i was unhappy, and do something to make me feel better. Instead, my stepmother labelled me as miserable, surly, impossible to be around, and things got worse - and are no better now.

Giving your sd a room is a great idea, letting her know it's her home too.

With the sulking, i understand that you don't want to acknowledge this behaviour as you think you may encourage it, but i think that what she needs is for you both to give her the time to find out what might make her feel happier - say 'i see you seem sad today, what's making you feel like this? What would you like us to do to make you feel better? Give her a cuddle, say something nice. Believe me, she feels confused and torn between different people and it's a miserable feeling.

Good luck, she's lucky that she has a stepmum so willing to try and make it work.

Anniemac - bad day, taking things too personally. Thank you.

Crikey - this has moved on! FWIW, my dsc have their own rooms in our house. They had to be very flexible about sleeping arrangements whilst we had building work done, but I think it is very important that they feel that they have their own area which is their permanent place in the house. So just agreeing with what everyone else has said about your house being your dsd's home as well.

Re: guest's, thank you's, etc., it bugs me if my dsc don't say hello when they arrive, good morning in the morning and thank you for things, but I am conscious that my sister and I have been brought up to say all that kind of stuff whereas they haven't, so I generally bite my tongue. You have to choose your battles wisely and not sweat the small things when you're in a long-term relationship with dsc, imo!

Oh my god Boco - your situation sounds just like what SD could be experiencing.

We had lunch during which she was for the most part quiet - probably because she knew she was going home afterwards.

I take your point about watching how me/DH interact with DS, and thinking about the way I am with her (I have pulled back on being affectionate with her recently - more because I felt she was not used to it).

And Mumpbump - re the thank you thing - I guess it really is just a matter of how you were brought up. I know SD's mum tries because I have heard her - but I also know that SD's mum is also a bit of an insular person and this will obviously have influenced SD.

Oh God ! Just read all threads....

My husband has just called time on our marriage and all I can think of is that our dd (4.5) may be the little girl in this scenario.

Feel very sorry for you brownsugababe x

Sadly thats part of my husbands problem .... finds it hard to put others before himself !!

I don't think you are an Evil Stepmother BSB, you are probably thinking too deeply about your SC.

Isn't blinkin life hard !

just thought of something else .... do you think it is harder for a girl than a boy when spending time with father and new family ??